#74: Lighthouse / ep.1
“Oh dear. It seems psychological warfare was a little beyond Rinko-san.”
The Yes and No Game had ended in spectacular disaster.
It was late April, on a summer-like day when the temperature happened to be higher than the seasonal average, and Rinko had run five kilometres.
Shirai Rinko was twenty-seven this year. She was reaching the age where the first signs of youth beginning to fade were starting to show. The stamina that had seemed virtually limitless back when she was a student was no longer quite so inexhaustible now that she had one foot edging into her thirties.
And as soon as she got home, Rinko had entered into an unspoken drinking contest with Shandy, competing over how much alcohol they could put away. Exhausted from exercise and mildly dehydrated, repeatedly clinking glasses with a blonde woman who could drink like a boa constrictor, the outcome awaiting someone who was merely somewhat good at holding their liquor was only too easy to predict.
“Well, you did pretty well just by managing not to throw up, right? You really held out.”
In the passenger seat on the way back to Yokohama, Rinko was groaning faintly, breathing shallowly. The breath coming from her raw, scratchy throat was damp and lukewarm. There was also a sharp, acrid smell pricking at her nose.
“Seriously, Shandy-nee. If she was that worried about me, she shouldn’t have competed with me over alcohol in the first place. That woman can really drink.”
“A lifetime’s disgrace…”
Only a few hours earlier, in the love nest in Kyōdō belonging to her former love and the infuriating woman who was now her fiancée, Rinko had exposed her bluish-black skin and desperately tried to endure the ordeal.
Through her pounding headache and swimming vision, she had seen the infuriating woman herself, Charlotte Gabriel, wearing an expression of such concern that she could have been mistaken for an angel in a white coat or a devout nun.
“If I’d made a mess in that house… my life would have been over…”
“Because Sis was there? Or because you didn’t want your oshi to see you in such an embarrassing state?”
“Neither…”
Being seen by her current employer and oshi, Kotone, or her former love, Mikoto, was practically irrelevant compared with her.
Of all people, she had managed to show her most pathetic side in front of the one person she least wanted to see it.
The sense of defeat was devastating.
“She saw me. I want to die…”
“Ahahaha. You hate her that much?”
“I hate her more than I hate you!”
“Why? Shandy-nee only pretends to be nasty. She’s actually ridiculously sweet.”
“Are your eyes clouded over? Go see an ophthalmologist.”
“Unaided vision 2.0.”
“Are you Masai or something? Anyway, someone who’s normally a pain in the arse but only gives you a kind face when you’re weak, whether they’re a man or a woman, is never any good—urp.”
And so divine punishment was about to descend upon the person who had badmouthed the angel in a white coat or the devout nun.
More precisely, the divine punishment was about to rise up from below.
“Wait, it’s still a new car! If you’re going to throw up, don’t you have a bag or something!?”
“…Your Birkin is about the right size…”
“Hey, hey, hey, give me a break! I’m pulling over… Wait, there are hardly any parking areas on the Shuto Expressway!”
“Sorry… I can’t…”
“Don’t say you can’t—!”
And so, on that day, Kotone’s ¥2 million personal Birkin became such an aromatic premium product that even pawnshops would have trembled in fear and politely declined to purchase it.
＊
“Oh dear. Even the inside of my wallet’s got a lovely fragrance now…”
After carrying Rinko up to her flat and giving her some water to revive her, Kotone headed straight for the bathroom.
It was a salvage operation.
She succeeded in rescuing the pitifully soiled wallet and make-up pouch, but the Birkin itself was a noble sacrifice. Perhaps having her throw up in the passenger seat would actually have been preferable.
Thankful for the phone’s water-resistant function, Kotone rinsed it under the tap.
Notifications from her sister, worried about Rinko, danced across the home screen.
Her sister was unemployed and currently looking for work. Kotone couldn’t help being exasperated that she was worrying about someone else when she had her own problems to deal with.
But that was simply who Kurosu Mikoto was.
She always put other people before herself.
“Honestly, what a troublesome sister.”
She said it with exasperation, but happiness seeped through her words.
Mikoto had changed.
The vain streak she had possessed since childhood seemed to have receded for the time being. What remained was her appearance, along with the somewhat self-sacrificing, adult-like capacity to accept and embrace others that had developed from years of habitual vanity.
Kotone did not know whether that was a good change or a bad one for Mikoto.
More accurately, it was not for Kotone to judge.
In any case, her sister had met her wife and realised that she no longer needed to put on airs unnecessarily.
No.
Perhaps she had simply made peace with herself.
“Made peace…”
To make peace with something.
In other words, to give something up.
Mikoto’s habit of putting on airs had been a shell that protected her from the resentment directed at her for being beautiful. People’s attitudes changed simply because someone was beautiful.
The more she tried to avoid being disliked by other women, the less appealing she became to men.
If she wanted to be pursued by men, she had to sacrifice her popularity with women.
Then what about homosexual people?
How did you become appealing to someone of the same sex, especially someone who was attracted to women?
Kotone thought about it, then stopped herself.
If she knew the answer, she wouldn’t have had so much trouble in the first place.
Mikoto was attracted to women and men.
She was different.
In any case, Mikoto had broken through her shell thanks to Shandy.
She had given up putting on more of that excessive, people-pleasing façade than necessary.
She had made peace with herself.
But what about Kotone?
“No. I’m going round in circles.”
She decided to forget about it.
As she wiped down the Birkin, resigned to trying her luck by sending it to a cleaner, her hand suddenly stopped.
“It’s not fair. Sis found her lighthouse and I didn’t.”
A lighthouse was proof that you were yourself.
If an actor was a ship, then a lighthouse was what an actor needed to have.
The difficult old actor had said it could be a person or an object, but what he meant was somewhere one’s identity resided.
Something to stand upon.
For the late veteran actor, for example, it might have been something that allowed him to introduce himself as, “I’m a person who loves fishing, cruisers, and sea fishing.”
For Mikoto, it was something like saying, “I’m a person who loves Shandy,” and making another person part of the foundation of her own existence.
But for Kotone—
“Hardly anyone even sees the me who isn’t public me.”
—Kurosu Kotone’s private life existed only inside her Minato Mirai flat in Yokohama.
Recently, even that privacy had begun to be invaded now that she had started doing Instagram Live.
The moment she stepped outside her flat, she became a public actress.
She could not have the kind of grand romance her sister had, out in the open.
The tragedy of being a celebrity.
But if she complained, the answer would simply be:
Don’t be so spoiled.
You chose this path yourself.
Everyone wants to stand where you are.
It’s the price of fame. Put up with it.
Every time people struck her with words like those, the public me inside her grew stronger.
The pure, virtuous woman beloved by everyone, always smiling serenely.
The woman who could perform any role, handle any job, without ever putting a foot wrong.
The woman who existed as everyone’s ideal.
“God, this is messing with my head. Is this what they call self-isolation depression? Hahaha.”
Even when she tried to laugh it away, the worries just kept bubbling up.
Kotone hurried back into the living room.
She was worried about Rinko, and about the expensive sofa Rinko was sleeping on. She had intended to deduct the cost from Rinko’s salary if she vomited in her sleep, but fortunately that concern proved unfounded.
“Rinko-chan, you okay?”
There was no answer.
Rinko lay motionless, sleeping peacefully. Perhaps because she had thrown up after drinking so much, her complexion had improved somewhat.
Even so, the fatigue and alcohol were clearly still lingering. Her mouth hung half-open, and every so often it produced a wet snore.
“Move over a little, sofa.”
Kotone lifted Rinko’s head and settled it onto her lap.
If Rinko vomited in her sleep, there was a risk of choking. Kotone knew from something she’d once heard at a wrap party that keeping the airway clear was the most important thing.
But that wasn’t why she did it.
She simply wanted to.
A moment later, she heard a hoarse voice, presumably scraped raw by stomach acid.
“I’m getting a lap pillow from my oshi… I can’t…”
“You were awake?”
“I just woke up.”
“You were snoring. Like, ngrrr.”
“…Forget that.”
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Not after the Birkin and everything.”
Rinko fell silent.
Was she sleepy?
Exhausted?
Already feeling the heavy lethargy of an early hangover?
Blaming herself for being so pathetic?
Or all of the above?
Kotone waited for her next move.
When the answer finally came, it was far more meek than she expected.
“…Sorry. I’ll pay for it…”
“Don’t casually say you’ll reimburse me. Do you have any idea how much that thing costs?”
“…Then never mind.”
The tension left Kotone’s shoulders.
Rinko was stubborn and obstinate to the point of absurdity when it came to Kotone, but at times like this, she would allow herself to rely on her.
And that was proof that she had not changed.
Rinko would never do anything beyond her means, nor could she.
She drew a clear boundary between herself and other people.
Perhaps that was the compromise Rinko had made with herself.
“Ahaha. So this is what you’re like when you drink yourself unconscious.”
“I was stubborn for no reason, blew myself up, and even caused trouble for my oshi. I’m the worst…”
“It’s fine. I’ll try getting the Birkin cleaned.”
Rinko let out a faint sigh.
Probably one of relief.
“You’re disappointed in me, aren’t you…? If you want to fire me, go ahead…”
“Why? I’m actually happy I got to see a side of Rinko-chan I don’t normally get to see.”
“That makes no sense… And while we’re at it, I still refuse to be recognised by you.”
“Ah, right. How should I put this…?”
Kotone searched for an analogy that Rinko would understand.
Just as she did when preparing for a role, she reached back into her past experiences and summoned up the feelings attached to them.
“You know LEGO? The stuff that hurts when you step on it.”
“You’re not supposed to step on it…”
“Mhm. It’s like… the happiness you feel when someone buys you a new set? When you get a piece you didn’t have before, it’s exciting, right? Like those glittery crystal blocks, or the crowns you can put on their heads. You’ve never done that, Rinko-chan?”
“I swallowed one when I was little and got told off for it… I hate them…”
“You’re not supposed to eat them.”
“I was little. What did you expect…? I’ve been stupid since I was a kid…”
“That’s funny. I like that side of you, Rinko-chan.”
“…Don’t bother with someone like me.”
“But you’re the one I want.”
Something about Rinko’s words caught Kotone’s attention.
For a brief moment, Kotone could see something Rinko normally kept carefully hidden.
She knew, rationally, that you shouldn’t intrude into another person’s heart.
But as an actress who wanted to understand people—
No.
Her profession had nothing to do with it.
She simply wanted to know Rinko.
If she pushed too far, she would almost certainly make Rinko hate her.
Rather than becoming a lighthouse, she might drive her away entirely.
But there was no other way to move their frozen relationship forward.
“Hey, Rinko-chan. Want to continue Yes and No?”
In the end, she decided almost immediately, without agonising over it for long.
Rinko’s answer was exactly what she expected.
“No.”
“Even after you covered my Birkin in vomit?”
That was precisely why Kotone resorted to a dirty trick.
There was a brief silence.
While waiting for Rinko’s answer, she idly stroked the head resting on her lap.
Rinko must have been far too lethargic to resist, because she didn’t brush the hand away.
Kotone slowly stroked her glossy black hair.
The long strands slipping between her fingers were proof of how meticulously she cared for it.
Why did she put so much time and effort into making herself beautiful?
Kotone wanted to know.
Was it simply for her own satisfaction?
Or did she want someone to accept her?
What if there were someone else Rinko had feelings for?
The instant Kotone imagined it, a haze descended over her heart.
“…I’ll humour you for one question.”
“Two million yen per question. That’s expensive.”
“That’s how much that costs…?”
“It’s one of the cheaper Birkins. Limited editions and antiques are effectively priceless.”
“…I suppose I can give you two questions.”
Kotone couldn’t help laughing.
Even after making the greatest concession she could, one question still cost Kotone a million yen.
That was so very Rinko.
And Kotone loved that stubbornness, that refusal to bend herself to anyone else, even if it sometimes meant driving a knife into other people.
“Then you’ll answer me?”
Silence was silent affirmation.
Taking it as agreement, Kotone gathered herself.
At last, she asked the question she had been unable to bring herself to ask before.
“Rinko-chan. Do you think you’re not worthy of being loved by Kurosu Kotone?”
“……”
The answer was silence.
Which meant silent affirmation.
Rinko-san really wasn’t ready for psychological warfare.
Kotone remembered what Shandy had said immediately after Rinko had drunk herself unconscious.
In other words, abstract language simply did not work on Rinko.
If Kotone wanted her to open her heart, she would have to go deeper.
She would have to tear into her true feelings and trample them underfoot.
“I’ve been thinking, but I don’t really understand.”
“Understand… what…?”
“I mean, Rinko-chan absolutely loves my exterior, right? And because of that, you like the me I play, the one that matches my exterior, right? Well, that’s exactly why you hate the real me when she doesn’t match your ideal image.”
Rinko remained silent and gave a small nod on Kotone’s lap.
As expected, Rinko wasn’t really seeing her.
That hurt.
But if that was the case, Kotone swore to herself that she would change it.
“Then, question two. If I were actually the perfectly pure and virtuous me you imagine, would you date me?”
“…You’re my oshi, so no.”
“That’s the thing. I still don’t understand this oshi business.”
“An oshi is a favourite. You have actors or film directors you admire too, don’t you…? But that’s admiration. It doesn’t mean you’d date them or marry them…”
“I know that.”
Kotone had understood the feelings surrounding an oshi from the beginning.
Even the single word love could contain as many meanings as there were emotions.
Kotone felt romantic attraction and curiosity towards Rinko.
Rinko, on the other hand, was simply directing respect and admiration towards her.
At first, that was what Kotone had thought.
“But I don’t think that’s all there is to it. So, can I have one more question as a bonus?”
“…No.”
Until now, Rinko had answered with silence whenever she meant yes.
This was the first time she had actually spoken.
It was probably the wall standing in the way of the hidden feelings she kept buried inside.
And Kotone already had the weapon she needed to smash through it.
“Why?”
“I refuse to answer.”
“Hm?”
Kotone took a deep breath.
She swallowed both the curiosity burning inside her and the guilt of knowing that she might hurt Rinko by going too far.
Then, slowly, she asked the third question.
“Does the fact that you’re a sex worker mean that dating an actress like me isn’t appropriate?”
Rinko froze.