Episode 43: I Always Thought I Shouldn’t Have Picked Her Up. Even Now.
How much time had passed.
I’d been wandering outside, still holding the shopping bag, when it started to drizzle.
No umbrella. Nowhere to go. In the end, there was no choice but to go home.
I opened the door, and Yuno peeked her face out from the sofa.
“You’re late. Where’d you go?”
That voice, exactly as always.
That face, exactly as always.
It was unbearably dear to me, and it hurt unbearably too.
It felt like my heart was being crushed in a fist, hard enough that I couldn’t breathe.
“…Why are you… here.”
“Eh?”
“Why are you still here.”
The soft smile that had been on Yuno’s face a moment ago disappeared.
“…What do you mean?”
“Saeko.”
“Saeko-san… already left? She said she’d brought you some sweets.”
She pointed at the box of donuts on the table.
I see.
So she’s not going to mention the embrace, the kiss.
How long had they stayed like that, after I turned away.
What feeling had been behind it, when their lips met.
If only I hadn’t come home — was that the thought.
So the two of them could have had more time, alone, together.
Had the sensation of that night, tangled together, their bodies overlapping in this same room — had that surfaced in her mind too, as they held each other tight, tongues winding deep, again and again.
My chest closed up. Nausea rose.
“…What are you doing here. Go back to Saeko’s, quickly. You remember the way, don’t you.”
My voice came out flatter than I expected.
Quiet enough to surprise even myself.
“Eh? Why would you say something like that? I was——”
“I’ve known the whole time.”
I felt Yuno catch her breath.
“That the place you used to live was Saeko’s home. That even now, you’re still—”
“That’s not true…! It’s not true, Reina.”
“It’s fine now. I knew everything, and I still got in the way. Pathetic, isn’t it.”
I turned my back on Yuno and spat the words out, self-mocking.
My own voice sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away.
“Saeko said she regrets it. That she wants you to come back. That she’s always liked you.”
“………..Reina.”
Yuno’s voice trembled, slightly.
“What about you, Reina?”
Silence fell over the room.
I —
I’d planned to say it, once Yuno’s fever went down.
That I liked her.
That I wanted to stay by her side, always, as her lover.
To end this ambiguous relationship, so we could stay together for good.
But it’s too late now.
What good would telling her my feelings do, at this point.
“…I don’t like you.”
What came out of my mouth was that.
“I always thought I shouldn’t have picked you up. Even now.”
A lie.
All of it, a lie.
A made-up lie to hide how pathetic I am.
Yuno’s hand gripped tight at my sleeve.
“…Hey. Do you really mean that…?”
“…………”
“If you do, look me in the eye when you say it…? You won’t even meet my eyes at all, like that other time.”
“…!”
Yuno gripped both my arms, tight.
I could feel her steady, burning gaze on me.
That grip, that gaze — too strong, and it crushed my chest.
Even so, I couldn’t meet her eyes.
I could only look down and press my lips shut.
“Saeko’s kind, unlike me. She’s made mistakes, but this time, she’ll treasure you properly.”
“I——”
“…The only reason you’re here is because I have money. That’s all it ever was.”
“Hey, that’s so cruel, Reina… Why would you say something like that?”
“You should be glad. You got to see Saeko again.”
I glanced sideways at Yuno.
Brows drooping, eyes wet, a face that looked like it might cry at any moment.
My chest tore, like something being gouged out. I never wanted to put that face on her.
I rested a hand on Yuno’s head, pat, and stroked it slowly.
Then bent slightly, bringing my eyes level with hers.
“Yuno.”
I narrowed my eyes, lifted the corner of my mouth, smiled at her, and said:
“…You shouldn’t come back to a place like this anymore.”
It was, I think, the softest smile, the gentlest voice I’d ever given her since we met.
It was the only way I could hold myself together.
“…Eh.”
Yuno’s eyes went wide. Tears welling, thick, at the rims.
In those eyes — no light at all.
“See you.”
I turned my back on Yuno, stepped into the hallway, and locked the door to my study.
The click of the lock rang out, unreasonably loud.
Bang, bang, bang — knocking at the door.
Rattle, rattle — the doorknob being shaken.
From the other side of the door, Yuno’s voice.
It was trembling.
Wait a second.
Reina, listen to me.
Come out, let’s talk.
Reina, I—
Through the door, that voice kept coming, without end.
But then the voice cut off.
— You said you wouldn’t throw me away. That I wouldn’t be alone.
— You’re a liar, Reina.
My heart gave one heavy, violent beat.
That was all I heard, and then a long silence followed.
In that silence, no words would come.
Outside, the sound of the rain grew heavier still.
“…Never mind.”
A small, muffled voice came from the other side of the door.
“You hated me, didn’t you. I was in the way, wasn’t I. The whole time. …Sorry.”
After a while, footsteps receded, and then the sound of the front door closing.
A sound so quiet it was almost too quiet.
I stayed there for a while, leaning against the door, unable to move.
Then, as if something inside me had given way, I bolted into the hallway and threw open the front door.
Outside, it had become a torrential downpour.
Yuno was already nowhere to be seen.
“Yu… no…”
I couldn’t tell if my voice had actually come out.
I sank down slowly, right there. Knelt on the cold floor of the hallway, listening to the roar of the rain.
This was for the best.
The bill has come due, for what I did.
Making Yuno dependent on me, locking her away.
Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be happy.
Go back to where you belong, and let Saeko treasure you properly this time.
It was only ever temporary, after all.
One less complication. That’s all this is.
Back to my old life, alone. That’s all.
Every time I told myself that, a knife seemed to drive deeper into my chest.
It wouldn’t come out.
The more I tried to pull it free, the deeper it gouged at the wound in my heart.
The wound widened, throbbing, a dull and constant ache.
The rain kept falling, hard, without end.
— End of Chapter Five —