Episode 35
How many minutes had passed, staring up at the pure white ceiling?
Today was Saturday.
Maybe it was lucky it landed on a day off.
I hadn’t opened the curtains, so the room was completely dark. I checked my phone screen and found messages from Yudzuki and Hinata sent late last night: Happy birthday.
I needed to reply, but my body felt heavy.
Still, not replying wasn’t an option, so I made my stiff fingers move, opened the messages, and sent something back.
They’ve been wishing me a happy birthday for years now.
I’m grateful to the two of them, always at my side, but sometimes it gets to be a lot.
No matter how close people are, expectations creep in, and there are things that become hard to say.
Maybe I’m overthinking it, but being with the two of them sometimes leaves me a little breathless. Especially with Yudzuki, since people started comparing us, something close to envy has crept into how I feel about her.
Hinata had offered to throw a birthday party at my place today, but I’d turned that down too.
Being celebrated means having to think about what to give back afterward, and more than that, it becomes a day that tires me out from worrying about everyone else instead.
Of course, my father wasn’t coming home either, so it was shaping up to be another day spent entirely alone.
I should probably wash my face soon and take a walk to clear my head.
When I went out to the living room, a dripping sound was coming from the kitchen.
The tap apparently hadn’t been turned off properly. Not that there’s anyone here to remind me of things like that.
I twisted the tap shut, put bread in the toaster, and spread butter and jam on it.
The moment I took a bite of the crisp crust, the intercom rang.
I was just about to get to the good part, I thought, with a small flicker of irritation.
I checked the intercom screen without thinking much of it, and an unbelievable person was standing there. I sprinted down the hallway.
I flung the front door open with too much force and heard a solid thud.
“That hurt.”
“S, sorry…”
Morishita was glaring at me, holding her nose.
It was my fault too, but I think it was also her fault for standing so close to the door. And having opened it with that much force without thinking, I felt suddenly, intensely embarrassed about my own state right now.
I’d just woken up, hair a mess, still in house clothes.
We’ve stayed over at my place before, so maybe it shouldn’t matter at this point, but embarrassing is embarrassing regardless.
I couldn’t exactly close the door on her, so I decided to just hear what she wanted and shut it again quickly.
“What’s wrong?”
There’d been no message from Morishita on my phone.
She had never once come to my place without contacting me first.
Completely unable to make sense of the situation, I kept staring at her, and she was looking down with a difficult expression.
Just as I was about to take a breath, a bag was suddenly thrust in front of me.
It was a bag from the game arcade.
“What is this…?”
“It’s for the gloves. Bye.”
Morishita handed me the bag just like that and turned her back to leave.
I should have just let her go.
That should have been fine.
But instead I ran out barefoot across the corridor, without even putting on shoes, and hugged her from behind.
Her scent drifted up softly, and my heart began pounding hard.
“What?”
“…Lonely.”
What was I even saying.
There was no taking it back now, so I just tightened my arms around her instead.
My bare feet, out in the cold, had gone numb.
“Let go.”
“Will you come to my place?”
“Let go.”
“I want Morishita to come to my place…”
“Haah… fine, just let go.”
“O, okay.”
Her words were sharp enough to make my chest ache, but hearing her say fine gave me enough relief to let her go.
I brought her inside and rushed to wash my feet in the bath.
I hadn’t run the hot water yet, so the cold water against my already chilled feet made them colder still. And yet, in contrast, the rest of my body was running hot.
I wanted to see what was in the bag as soon as possible.
I felt a kind of giddiness I hadn’t felt since primary school.
I hurried out of the bath and into my room, and Morishita was sitting neatly on the floor. I sat down on the bed, right beside the bag I’d left there.
“Come sit up here too, Morishita.”
“I’m fine here.”
I’d invited her up onto the bed, but she refused.
Then, for some reason, she suddenly reached out and touched my bare foot. The surprise of it made my whole body go stiff.
“Why did you come out barefoot? That’s stupid.”
“Because you were about to just leave.”
“Don’t act on impulse like that, like some one-track-minded idiot.”
“Wha—”
It’s true I tend to act without thinking ahead. Because of that I make plenty of mistakes too, get hurt, end up suffering for it.
But I can’t bring myself to admit that what I do is wrong.
I ignored her and kept going.
“Can I look at this?”
“Do what you like.”
Morishita was as cold as ever.
I looked at the bag. Sure enough, it really was just a plain arcade bag.
The fact that she hadn’t bothered wrapping it, just shoved it in as-is and handed it over, felt exactly like her, and something in me warmed at that.
The cosy little moment passed, and when I opened the bag, what was inside left me speechless.
“This…”
It was the dog plushie I’d thought was cute at the arcade.
And out of the three colours, it was the ivory one I’d liked best of all.
Without meaning to, I hugged the plushie tight against myself.
After doing that, I worried Morishita might make fun of me, but she said nothing, just stared at the wall.
Would Morishita be disappointed in me for liking something this childish?
Wouldn’t she expect someone like me to like something more grown-up?
Actually, had she gone back there alone to get this for me?
Had she known it was my birthday, and given me this as a present?
There were so many things I wanted to ask her.
But even from behind, Morishita’s whole bearing said clearly: don’t talk to me right now.
I looked at the plushie’s face again, and its cute expression made my mouth soften into a smile despite myself.
A little listless-looking, but with its own charm. Watching it, I thought, it’s just like Morishita.
As I kept staring intently at the plushie, I noticed something on it that hadn’t been there when I’d seen it at the arcade.
“What’s this…?”
I held the plushie out toward her, and she said “let me see” and took the dog from me.
A black cord was pulled gently from around its neck, slowly coming loose. At both ends of the cord were small round metal clasps; aside from that it was just plain black cord.
While I was still tilting my head over it, Morishita suddenly reached around toward the back of my neck, and my heart nearly stopped.
I tensed my whole body, and felt a ticklish sensation pass across my throat.
Morishita pulled back immediately.
Not understanding why, I grabbed a hand mirror. In it was a pretty little accessory that didn’t really match my pyjamas at all. The black cord wrapped around twice, tied into a small, cute ribbon knot near my collarbone.
“Morishita got me something this stylish, a choker…”
“Quiet.”
“I’m happy.”
“Quiet.”
Whatever she said to me, I think I just kept repeating that I was happy, staring at the mirror the whole time.
Cute.
I hadn’t known there was a way to dress up like this.
This accessory would probably go well with the kind of clothes I actually like.
But I couldn’t quite understand why she’d chosen this particular thing.
I’d never once talked to her about what I wanted, or what I liked. What had she been thinking when she picked this out for me?
“Why a choker?”
When I asked, Morishita’s expression turned difficult, and she came closer.
Her hand reached out, fingers touching the choker. She pulled it slightly, and my throat tightened, my breath catching.
“You always say ‘strangle me,’ so I thought this would suit you.”
At those words, my heart began racing, thudding hard.
What Morishita was thinking is unhinged.
But I think the fact that I was happy about it makes me even more unhinged.
“You’re a pervert.”
“You’re saying that with the happiest face I’ve ever seen, you absolute weirdo.”
“That’s incredibly rude. Hey, Morishita… this, is it because today is—”
“It’s for the gloves.”
Morishita cut off what I was saying, talking over me. Her hand had already left my throat at some point, and she was no longer close to me. And yet the sensation of her fingers on my throat lingered, as though she were still touching me.
I’d thought it would be fine if no one celebrated me.
That’s what I’d believed.
And yet some part of me wished that Morishita’s present was a way of celebrating my birthday after all.
As if to dash that small hope without effort, Morishita didn’t say “happy birthday.” Just that it was a thank-you for the gloves.
Even so, having Morishita beside me on this particular day made me happy.
“Morishita, thank you.”
There was no answer to that.
She went home shortly after. But with the choker she’d given me around my neck, and the plushie held tight in my arms, that day didn’t feel nearly as lonely as it usually would.