Episode 8: The Yellow Handkerchief

I wished to live strongly, even alone.

I wanted to live a life I could be proud of before my father and mother in heaven, so that when I met them someday, I could share countless memories.

I wanted to be a child they could be proud of.
With that thought, every day was a desperate struggle.

To avoid being disliked by others. To maintain excellent grades. To be able to handle all household chores alone. I believed I had to be perfect to stand tall before them.

　＊＊＊

Today I skipped school. The reason was the sleepover the day before yesterday. I adore my friends, regardless of gender, and want to cherish them.
Being alone is lonely; having someone at home fills the hollow emptiness in my heart.

I can’t recall hearing anyone’s voice in this house for a long time. It was my naive heart that led to such a situation.

　The scene before me was unbearable to watch. My spine froze at the sight of boys and girls touching each other out of curiosity.

It even made me feel sick.

Could someone I’d just been talking to as a friend touch another person so easily?

“I like you, Hina.”

The last thing I ever wanted to hear from a friend. If a friend said something like that to me, I wouldn’t know what to do.

　I’m fine just as I am.

As long as everyone else is happy.

That’s what I’ve always thought, what I’ve acted on. I’ve been careful, always smiling, living my life holding my breath.

Was I wrong in how I acted…?

“Let’s make Hina’s place our sleepover spot! No one’ll bother us no matter what we do!”

What does that mean?

“Hold on, that’s going a bit far.”

“It’s fine. I’m a bit jealous of you, Hina. My parents are always nagging me about this and that. I just want to be free soon.”

Hearing that from someone I believed was my friend, my consciousness gradually drifted away from the moment. The faces of my father and mother, placed on the Buddhist altar at the back of the bedroom, seemed clouded over.

　I couldn’t sleep that night, and the next day I ended up skipping school like this. What happened in this house yesterday might be something quite ordinary for boys and girls around secondary school age.

But even though I blamed myself for doing something that defiled this house my father and mother had protected, it didn’t make me feel any better.

Every day I greet my father and mother, but today my legs felt heavy and I couldn’t bring myself to go and say hello.

　I don’t want to go to school tomorrow…

Up until now, I could endure most things. Often, if I just endured it, I could get by. But it seems impossible to endure any more.

I’d decided to live with my head held high before them, yet I loathed myself for acting in the exact opposite way.

Yes, no matter how hard I try, I can never be perfect.

　A failure, a defective product.

Those words suit me best.

I want to see Mum and Dad.

I might as well…

I spent the whole day thinking about it, and before I knew it, night had fallen. Sitting on the sofa with not a single light on, I’d gone outside as if fleeing the stabbing pain in my chest.

　It was the dead of winter, the night temperature well below freezing, bitterly cold. I regretted coming out so lightly dressed, without a second thought.

But right now, I didn’t want to go back home.

I sat on a bench in a nearby park, waiting for time to pass for no reason.

　――It was cold.

The sensation in my fingers and toes was fading.

The warmth I’d felt in my body just moments ago seemed to have vanished entirely. I felt nothing. The sensation in my body was fading away too.

Probably, if this continued, I would die.

Die?

“If I die here, will I be able to see Mum and Dad again…?”

I closed my eyes.

　God, I’m not a good child, nor a perfect one, but please take me to Father and Mother.

………………

“Um, that’s my usual spot, you see…”

I snapped my eyes open, and a little sensation returned to my body. I forced my frozen facial muscles to move and spoke.

“Ah, I’m terribly sorry…”

　Lifting my head, I saw a girl illuminated by the dim park lamp standing before me. It was a cloudless night, and the stars shining behind her as I looked up were beautiful.

Her hair was a lovely colour, blending into the night sky, almost navy blue.

She looked utterly puzzled.
I hadn’t seen her around here before.
I didn’t think we went to the same secondary school either.

“—Use this.”

A handkerchief with yellow embroidery was handed to me without further ado.

Why a handkerchief? I wondered.

The cold had numbed my face, so I hadn’t noticed. Tears had fallen from my eyes and landed on my thigh.

I tried to wipe them away hurriedly, but the handkerchief was thrust forward, blocking my attempt. I had no choice but to take it.

“I don’t need that, so I’ll give it to you.”

A rather lovely handkerchief was placed in my hand.

“It’s like I’ve done something wrong. Haa…”

Mumbling such complaints, she walked away.

I wiped my tears with the handkerchief I’d been given.

The sensation that had been fading from my body gradually returned, and I felt a warmth seeping deep into my chest.

“The stars were so beautiful tonight. I wish I could have seen them with Mum and Dad.”

I heaved myself up from the bench and headed home.

If things had stayed as they were, I might have met Mum and Dad. But if that black-haired girl, whose name I didn’t even know, hadn’t spoken to me, I wouldn’t have seen such a beautiful starry sky, nor would I have wished to share it with Mum and Dad.

It was surely a feeling I couldn’t have known if I hadn’t been alive.

　I’ll go to school tomorrow.

It doesn’t have to be perfect.

No matter how awkward it feels, I’ll struggle and fight my way through life.

Clutching the handkerchief given to me by the black-haired girl, I swore to the starry sky.