Episode 36: I’ll Be Waiting Forever

The morning of the graduation ceremony.
After tying my tie tightly around the collar, which felt tighter than usual, I slipped my arms into my navy blazer.

Is today the last time I’ll wear this uniform? The thought filled me with a sense of poignancy as I gazed at my reflection in the full-length mirror in my room.

　At the entrance ceremony, I felt as though the uniform was wearing me; I hadn’t settled into it at all.
I couldn’t tie my tie properly either, and I remember having Mum tie it for me several times that morning.

Over the past three years, there have been plenty of happy moments and plenty of difficult ones.
I wonder if, as time goes on, today’s events and my memories of Mitsuki will fade to sepia, just like old photographs.

I stare into my own eyes in the mirror and ask myself.

　Nana, are you really okay with this?

‘Right, I’m off then.’

As I slipped my feet into my loafers at the front door and turned around, my mum, dressed a little more smartly than usual, smiled at me with a twinkle in her eyes.

‘Yes, well done for the last three years. You’ve worked so hard. Off you go. Take care.’

‘……Yeah.’

　Once I left the house, I walked whilst gazing at the scenery on the way to school, scenery I’d never even noticed before, as if trying to burn it into my memory.

Passing through the ticket gates at the nearest station, I blended into the throng of schoolgirls in identical uniforms streaming towards the school building, and looked up at the clear blue sky. Not a single cloud in sight.
　I’m sure the sky was just as beautiful on the day of the entrance ceremony three years ago.
Though my state of mind today is completely different from that morning when I left home with my heart full of anticipation.

“Nana! Good morning!”

Suddenly, I felt a sharp, forceful slap on my back with the palm of a hand and turned around.

Her twin tails, dyed an unnaturally jet-black, swayed.
　Her shirt was buttoned right up to the top.
The skirt, which used to be so short you could almost see her underwear, was now just a little longer, and the way she wore her uniform was so far removed from the Maki I knew that at first I didn’t recognise her.

“W-wait, Maki, that uniform doesn’t suit you!”

I blurted out the sharp remark without thinking, and Maki laughed cheerfully.

‘Sakata told me off, saying I should at least look the part for the graduation ceremony. Well, it’s the last one, so I thought I’d listen to him just for today. Anyway, Nana, congratulations on getting into uni. I’ll save up my part-time wages and come and visit you in Tokyo.’

I looked at Maki’s smile, as if the events of that day had never happened.
Even after graduation, even if we live far apart, our friendship will never end.
　If I’d managed to stay friends with Mitsuki, would we have been able to laugh together like this?

But thinking about that now is a bit too late, isn’t it?

The graduation ceremony proceeded smoothly, exactly as scheduled.
As I listened to the piano music, which stirred such emotion, all I could think of was Mitsuki.

　It’s strange. I must have made plenty of happy memories with other friends over the past three years, so why is it that only the times I spent with Mitsuki keep popping into my mind?

The flutter in my heart the moment I bumped into Mitsuki at that crossroads on a rainy day.
The limp, soft warmth of Tasuku when I held him for the first time.
I can’t help but smile when I remember Mitsuki’s slightly frightened eyes. ‘She was definitely putting on a front back then,’ I think to myself.
As we spent more time together, my impression of Mitsuki changed. But no matter what she was like, I always liked her.

I was staring blankly at the woodgrain of the gym floor when the teacher suddenly called out ‘Kase Mitsuki’, so I looked up reflexively.

Just like with the new student representative’s speech, it seems Mitsuki will be reading the reply speech as well.

My gaze was drawn to Mitsuki as if by a magnet. As I watched her pass by the rows of students, their glossy black hair swaying in the breeze, and make her way to the podium, I felt a suffocating tightness in my chest, as if my lungs were being squeezed.

I never imagined that a day would come when I would look up at Mitsuki again, just as I had on that day when I first fell in love with her.

　Standing before the microphone, Mitsuki looked quietly ahead before she began to speak, scanning the students and slowly searching for me with just her eyes.

The moment our eyes met with a sharp click, I felt as though Mitsuki had seized my heart with all her might, and for a split second, I forgot to breathe.
It was as if I were reliving the very day I first fell in love with her. Hot blood surged into my heart.

　It may have been less than a second that our eyes met, but it felt as though we had been gazing at each other for ages.
It wasn’t my imagination. That feverish gaze was undoubtedly fixed on me alone.

I hurriedly looked away and bowed my head, and at last, Mitsuki’s clear voice, amplified by the microphone, began to echo throughout the gymnasium.
I couldn’t bring myself to look up again.
　Even in the classroom, I’d been trying not to look at Mitsuki.
Because no matter how hard I tried to forget, I knew from the start that every time our eyes met like this, I’d fall in love with her all over again.

After the form period following the graduation ceremony, Maki invited us all to go to karaoke to celebrate, but I turned her down and, without lingering in the afterglow of graduation, was the first to bolt out of the classroom.

　I practically leapt into my father’s car, which was waiting for me in the car park beside the school building.
　Both my mother and father looked slightly surprised at my behaviour for a moment, but without making a fuss of it, they drove off, saying, ‘Shall we go out for a meal somewhere to celebrate your graduation before we head home?’

　In the back seat, I sat with my head bowed, clutching the black tube tightly.
Having cast aside all my memories of the past three years and the farewells to friends I should have been reluctant to part with, I fled into the car. As I listened to my parents chatting and laughing, I kept thinking about the meaning behind the intense gaze Mitsuki had directed at me.

＊＊＊

　Even though we’d gone to the trouble of treating ourselves to expensive sushi for dinner, to be honest, I couldn’t taste a thing. Mum, Dad, I’m really sorry.
Once I got home, I couldn’t even bring myself to take a bath. I warned Mum, ‘Don’t you dare wake me up,’ before retreating to my room and collapsing face-down on my bed.

My heart felt so heavy that I even found myself regretting not going to karaoke with Maki after all; my mood showed no sign of lifting.

　I don’t want to take off my school uniform. Because once I do, I’ll never slip my arms into it again. It really will all be over. …No, to be precise, it’s already over.

Unable to shake off these feelings, I rolled over with a heavy sigh.

This time next month, will I already be a university student? But I’m not looking forward to it at all.
I wonder if Mitsuki got into university. …I hope she did.
　Once she starts university, Mitsuki will probably forget all about me in no time.
As I lay there with my eyes closed, idly mulling over such things, I must have been truly exhausted from not having slept properly recently, because before I knew it, I’d fallen asleep.

When I woke up, the room was pitch black, and a glance at the clock told me it was past eleven.

　Oh no, I’d actually fallen asleep without even taking a bath…
Out of habit, I absent-mindedly picked up my mobile, which I’d left lying on the bedside table.
Then I saw the name ‘Mitsuki Kase’ pop up in my notifications, and I jumped out of bed without thinking.
Just seeing that name made my heart start racing.

‘Mitsuki…? W-why…?’

I hadn’t received a single message for ages, so why all of a sudden? Is it because of the graduation ceremony, a farewell message…?

I tapped my phone with trembling fingers.
But the message that had arrived wasn’t the farewell I’d imagined.

‘I want to see you. I’ll wait right there where we watched the fireworks together, I’ll wait forever, until you come, Nana.’

“Eh…?”

A gasp escaped me in surprise.
The place where we watched the fireworks together…? Memories of the Tanabata eve festival I’d gone to with Mitsuki burst back into my mind like fireworks.

I’d received the message at 7 pm. I’d left it unread for four whole hours without even noticing.

I almost jumped out of bed, but managed to hold myself back.

　What on earth would I do if I went to see Mitsuki now?

I’d already decided to go to university in Tokyo. I’d bought all my furniture and appliances. There was no turning back.
What would be the point of going? It’s too late to do anything about it now; this is just a quagmire. I’ll steel my heart and put an end to everything right here and now.

I grabbed the duvet and pulled it over my head.

I’m not going. I’m not going back to Mitsuki.

　Even though I tell myself that, the image of Mitsuki, all alone in the cold, hugging her knees and shivering, keeps popping into my mind and won’t go away.

There’s no way she’s been waiting all this time.
Mitsuki must have given up and gone home by now. After all, four hours have passed. There’s no way she’s still waiting.
I know that, but for some reason, my heart is racing and I can’t settle down.

　What if… What if Mitsuki really is still waiting?
What if she’s just believed I’d come, and is still waiting for me right now, in that spot?

‘……………………… Argh, for goodness’ sake!!!’

Unable to bear it any longer, I leapt out of bed, grabbed my coat and stormed out of the room.
I ran down the stairs, slipped my feet into my loafers, dashed out the front door and started running.

　Even though winter had long since passed, the lingering, biting cold brought tears to my eyes.

“You idiot, Mitsuki…! This is just unfair…!”

Mitsuki really is unfair. She knows full well that if she tells me she’s ‘waiting’, there’s no way I could possibly ignore her.

Even if Mitsuki isn’t there anymore, and this turns out to be a wasted trip, I don’t mind. If that’s the case, then I can finally come to terms with everything.

　But what if Mitsuki was still there?
What on earth would I say to her if I went to see her?

I don’t even know myself anymore. My head is a complete mess.

Even so, my feet wouldn’t stop.
I was simply running towards Mitsuki, completely absorbed in the moment.