Episode 30: A Cold-Shoulder Right at the Start of a New Term Is Just Too Convenient.
New term.
Once we became third-years, the first “…huh?” moment in our relationship was over something genuinely small.
“Ah, sorry, my hands are really sweaty right now…”
A weekend date.
I went to hold her hand, and she smoothly avoided it.
Well, it’s early spring, people get sweaty sometimes — I didn’t think much of it at the time.
…Except it wasn’t just the once.
“Makina, coming over here tonight?”
Ever since that thunderstorm night, we’d been sleeping in the same bed, every night, without fail.
But somewhere along the line, she’d started quietly slipping back to her own room instead.
“Mm… sorry. Feeling really sleepy tonight, somehow.”
At first it was more like “might be catching a cold,” so we slept apart.
That would’ve been fine, honestly.
But she didn’t seem to actually have a cold or anything, not really.
“Oh, um, okay…? Yeah, got it. Night.”
Makina’s door clicks shut.
Like some invisible wall had just gone up right there.
I stood in the cold hallway for a while, just staring at that door.
There was another moment, on a different day.
Makina was looking at something on her phone.
The second I got close, the screen went dark.
But for just a split second, I caught a glimpse of text at the edge of the screen.
“High schoolers… too fast.”
“What were you looking at?”
“N-nothing?! Nothing at all!”
Her voice cracked, way too high.
That was definitely not a “nothing” face.
Whenever I went to hold her hand, she’d find some excuse and dodge it.
Whenever I tried to get closer, she’d casually put distance between us.
And on top of all that.
When I finally leaned in for a kiss, she’d turn her face away with a “not right now,” brushing it off entirely.
Something’s wrong. This is off.
However I think about it… this is definitely off.
Is this… is this that “slump” thing people talk about?!
“Makina, have you been… kind of avoiding me lately…?”
But I couldn’t actually ask it out loud.
I felt like if I asked, I’d end up learning something final. Something I couldn’t undo.
My chest hurt.
My appetite started dropping too.
“You okay? Yotsuka?”
Beside me, Makina still reaches out, looking worried.
And yet, right before her hand touches my head — she suddenly stiffens, curls her fingers into a tight fist, and pulls it back.
She won’t touch me.
There’s no way I could ever say it’s her fault, not even if it killed me.
If I said something like that, even the thin, fragile thread barely holding us together right now might snap completely.
I kept combing through my head, hunting for reasons.
At first, dumb little hypotheses.
Come to think of it, last month I accidentally ate Makina’s pudding — is she still mad about that?
No, I already apologized, bought her a replacement, she forgave me, that should’ve been settled.
Maybe it’s the leaving-the-lights-on thing, building up quietly over time?
No, probably not that either…?
But, I mean, little things can pile up…
I kept coming up with dumb theories, then shooting them down, over and over.
In the end, the only thing left standing was the one thing I least wanted to think about.
That phrase — “high schoolers… too fast” — wouldn’t leave my head.
Were we too fast?
Did I get carried away, kissing too much, touching too much?
But Makina wanted to, too, she said so hers—
Ah. No, wait.
Makina — what if, back then, she just got swept up in the mood of the moment?
Now that she’s had time to actually think clearly, maybe it really was too much, after all?
Should I have never even said it?
That I liked her, Makina, that much?
Should I have just… not dated her at all?
Should I have just accepted becoming sisters instead?
Every time those thoughts spiraled around and around, something deep in my stomach twisted tight.
At school, everything looked completely, unremarkably normal.
The smell of brand-new textbooks, the still-unfamiliar air of a new class — it all felt like the changing of a season.
Shamelessly, without a hint of self-awareness, the universe put us in the same class again.
Sat us next to each other again, like always. We talked like always, laughed like always.
At home, on the surface, nothing had changed either.
Eating meals together, watching streams together, studying together.
But still.
“Oh, Makina…”
“Night, Yotsuka.”
Right at the moment that actually mattered, when it was just the two of us — she’d always slip away, smooth as anything.
It felt like some invisible wall had gone up between us.
Right before we started dating, I’d been the one avoiding her out of nerves.
Now the roles had completely reversed.
I think I finally understand, a little, how Makina must have felt back then.
Wanting to be close, and yet unable to get close.
Is that what that pain felt like?
Well — I don’t even know anymore if she still likes me now, honestly.
Outside the window, the cherry blossoms had scattered, and the air was thickening with the smell of fresh green leaves.
Our birthday’s coming up soon.
What our parents said, that night at the family restaurant.
—Once we turned eighteen, they’d file the paperwork.
Before we started dating, I used to dread the day we’d become sisters, so much.
Just watching the petals fall outside, my fingertips somehow went cold.
The day we were supposed to reach together now felt, unmistakably, like a countdown to the end of our relationship.
Something cold felt like it was slowly, steadily spreading through me.