Episode Eighty-One: Surrender?
Still straddling her waist, Yui-san’s long lashes fluttered as she blinked, watching me. Whether she’d fully caught the meaning of my words or not, her gaze stayed fixed, steady, on me.
“…Sorry, Kanata. Could you say that one more time?”
After a solid several seconds of silence, that’s what Yui-san said. To calm my shallow, nervous breathing and racing heartbeat, I took one deep breath, then took her hand, frozen still on my thigh, and gripped it, firm.
“Today… let me be the one.”
Embarrassed, my voice came out faintly shaking, painfully uncertain. Gathering my courage, I said it again, and this time, apparently finally understanding, Yui-san’s eyes widened, just slightly.
Lifting our joined hands, Yui-san traced my fingertips, as if confirming something. Puzzled, I tilted my head, and, lifting her gaze from my fingertips, Yui-san gave a wry laugh.
“…Well-prepared, aren’t you, Kanata. Been planning this from the start?”
Only then did I understand — she’d finally noticed my carefully done nails. Kissed gently on the fingertip, my heart lurched like it had been seized. Looking up at me with that mischievous, unbothered gaze — so different from the reaction I’d braced for — I found myself thrown, confused.
From those deep black eyes, I couldn’t read a single thing about what she was actually thinking. Positive, negative — I couldn’t even tell that much, so, steeling myself, I asked.
“…Is that… okay?”
Confirming it, voice shaking, Yui-san laughed, like she couldn’t hold it back any longer.
“…Wh-why are you laughing?”
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just, you said it with such a serious face… Hey, Kanata, can I ask? Why do you want to?”
“Why… because I’m always the one being taken care of by you, so…”
“I do it because I want to.”
Her words were gentle, but something in the air made it clear Yui-san wasn’t going to easily agree. Deep in those eyes, still something like a predator’s gleam.
“But…”
“You promised you’d do whatever I asked today, didn’t you? I’ve been holding back this whole time, not touching you.”
Her right palm, the hand not holding mine, traced slowly along my thigh. At that touch, my resolve wavered, just slightly.
“…Do you hate being held by me, Kanata?”
I looked back into those eyes, asking so gently. No way. I shook my head, side to side, firm, and Yui-san smiled, gentle.
“I don’t hate it. It always feels good, makes me happy, so… I thought, today, maybe I could make you feel that way too.”
Just from your touch alone, just from being looked at with those heated eyes, I can feel, from the bottom of my heart, that I’m loved.
Learning that sharing a body could fill even the heart — that was something no one but Yui-san ever taught me.
“Do you… hate being touched by me, Yui-san?”
“It’s not that I hate being touched, exactly… hmm.”
Pushing back against her reluctant hand, I gripped it tighter, driving the point home. I’d finally managed to push her down — there’s no way I could back off now, not at this point.
“Please, Yui-san.”
“…You want to that badly? Really?”
I nodded, small. I don’t know if I’ll manage it well, but there’s no way to know without trying.
Thinking it over for a moment, Yui-san looked straight at me and smiled, bold. An expression I’d never seen before — a little challenging.
“Then… make me want it. If you can manage that, I’ll give in today.”
Want it…? Thrown by such a sudden request, I flinched, just slightly.
Taking my hand, she drew my fingers toward her mouth. After pressing a gentle kiss, she bit lightly at my middle finger, and, startled, I pulled my hand back on reflex.
Watching me, apparently entertained, Yui-san smiled, mischievous.
*
“Can I take off your clothes?”
“Go ahead. Do whatever you want, Kanata.”
Meaning to take off the shirt she was wearing, I slid my hand up under the hem and touched her smooth side. Yui-san laughed, ticklish, and, with the mood not building at all, I puffed my cheeks out.
What do I do. What did she always do to me, again? I tried hard to remember all the nights we’d spent together, but, unpracticed, I fumbled, clumsy.
Slowly pushing the shirt up to her chest, her pure white skin and navy underwear came into view. I’d already seen it earlier, at the hot spring, and yet — for some reason it felt unbearably alluring now, and my heart lurched, sharp.
Flustered, I pushed the shirt back down without meaning to.
“…Yui-san, could you just take it off yourself, after all?”
Suddenly anxious I might not manage this well, unable to bear it, I said it, and, lying there on the bed, watching me, she smiled, soft.
“Eh, you won’t take it off for me?”
“…Please take it off yourself.”
Tugging lightly at the shirt hem with my fingertip. Somehow, Yui-san felt more mischievous than usual today. I wished she’d cooperate a little more, and, lips pursed, I looked at her, and she smiled, bright.
“Then, if you take yours off too, I will.”
“Eh?”
“Take it off yourself and show me.”
Never expecting to be told to undress myself, when it’s always Yui-san undressing me — instant embarrassment washed over me.
But — I’m the one who’d asked her to “take it off” in the first place, so I suppose there’s no helping it, being asked back the same way.
That gaze, watching me steadily, mischievous — if I kept fumbling like this, I felt like she’d take the lead right back from me — so, flustered, I reached for my own blouse buttons.
“…Nervous? Your hands are shaking.”
If you can tell, don’t just watch — help me. Nerves made my fingers clumsy on the buttons, no matter how hard I tried.
“You okay? Want me to… take it off for you after all?”
If I gave in to that offer, said “take it off” — I already know exactly how that would go.
Just being touched by Yui-san is enough to make me want it — why isn’t it the same for her? Is that the gap in experience between us?
“I can… take it off myself…”
Finally getting every button undone, my skin met the outside air, cooling slightly. My chest, hidden by underwear or not, felt unsettled under her steady gaze.
“Um, is this… good?”
“That’s just the buttons undone. I told you to take it off.”
“Please, don’t be so mean…”
I said it, accusing, and Yui-san narrowed her eyes at me. Laughing, guess I have no choice, she pulled her own shirt off, deftly, and tossed it carelessly beside the bed.
“There, off. Good?”
Looking down at Yui-san in just her underwear for the first time, I caught my breath. That translucent, pure white skin, right there in front of me.
I’d been told to do whatever I wanted — but what do I do? What should I do? My head knows, logically, that I just need to do what Yui-san always does to me — and yet, now that I’m actually the one in this position, I suddenly have no idea what to do at all.
Honestly, I’d half expected Yui-san to guide me. And yet she just lay there on the bed, watching my every move, apparently with zero intention of helping at all.
“…Your face is bright red. You okay? You can surrender anytime.”
“I-I’m fine.”
Her hand undid the hook on my skirt, pulled the zipper down. Startled, I heard her say, “it’ll wrinkle, take it off,” and, stripped of everything but my underwear, I felt strangely defenseless.
Desperately, I ran my head through memory. How did Yui-san always hold me? Calling it up, I reached my trembling fingers toward her.
Leaning over her, the bedsprings creaked, a small groan. I hadn’t known. Always too overwhelmed to notice before, but “doing” instead of “receiving” — you can see so much more.
“…Can I… kiss you?”
Asking it, tentative, Yui-san laughed, soft.
“You don’t have to ask permission every time, you know. Do whatever you want.”
Ah, whatever happens, happens.
Closing my eyes, gently pressing our lips together, all the strength nearly drained out of my body at once.
Just the touch alone felt good — but, wait, something felt off. The sweet tongue that always slips in, unbidden, showed no sign of coming at all.
Wondering why, I lifted my face, and met her eyes, dead on.
“Um, Yui-san…”
“What?”
“Why won’t you kiss me properly?”
“Eh? Because today’s supposed to be you doing it, isn’t it?”
“…That’s true, but…”
Told that, I found myself at a loss. Her thumb traced, gentle, along my lip.
“…This isn’t going to make me want it at all. Remember what I always do. Try doing the same.”
Told to do the same — I don’t understand that at all. I never think about anything except how good it feels, whenever it’s me — I have no idea what’s actually being done to me.
Hesitant, I brought my lips close, tried licking hers lightly, and, when she parted her lips just slightly, I tentatively slipped my tongue in.
But — the instant our tongue tips brushed together, startled, I pulled mine back, and Yui-san laughed, soft.
“Yui-san… I don’t know what to do…”
“Fufu, I see. Then, let me show you. Come here.”
Her arm wound around my back, pulling my body in close. Our lips met, and this time, her tongue slipped into my mouth, gentle, just as always.
Tangled with mine, gentle, my body shivered, unbidden.
That’s wrong. It’s not supposed to be me receiving this today, so I shouldn’t be reacting. But my body, contrary to my own intent, stayed honest, and with every repeated kiss, heat pooled, slow, deep in my stomach.
Stroked gently at the waist, tongue drawn in — the instant a heated sensation gathered between my legs, startled, I pulled my body back, sharp.
Why am I reacting this much. I never used to be like this. Since dating Yui-san, my body’s gone strange.
Embarrassed, I looked down.
“What’s wrong?”
“N-nothing, it’s nothing.”
*
My whole body felt like it had caught fire, heat pooling, gathering, unbearable. Something felt like it might give out.
Is this what Yui-san always feels, whenever she does this to me? My body ached, restless, almost enough to make me cry.
What do I do, I want to be touched. Once I thought that, there was no going back.
Trying to settle myself, I buried my face against her neck, breathing in her scent. But that scent, instead of calming me, only made the heat in my body worse.
Backfired, completely. What do I do now. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“Yui-san…”
My resolve on the verge of breaking. Whether she’d noticed or not, Yui-san just laughed and said, “Guess it’s still a little early for you, Kanata.”
“Kanata.”
Called by name, I lifted my face, gentle. At the same moment, her mischievous left hand touched my inner thigh. Startled, my body trembled, and she pulled my waist close, as if refusing to let me escape.
“Yui-san, you’re not allowed to touch…!”
Burying my face against her neck, I protested, voice shaking. I knew how weak, how unconvincing it sounded. But I couldn’t help saying it anyway.
“Because you look like you want to be touched.”
“I don’t look like that…”
“…I think you did really well, Kanata. Good job.”
Patted on the head, over and over, like soothing a child, I heard something in me snap, small.
My body’s too hot to bear anymore. Something’s about to give.
“Surrender?”
Whispered gently at my ear, I squeezed my eyes shut, tight. Just as Yui-san said — maybe pushing her down really had been too much for me, after all.
Thoroughly defeated, I nodded, and Yui-san laughed.
“…Then, ask me properly.”
“Eh…?”
Yui-san, what did you just—?
Before I could even ask her to repeat it, my shoulder was pushed and our close bodies pulled apart. Sitting up, still straddling her, I looked down at her, and she smiled, bright.
Left confused, Yui-san said nothing more, just watched me, steady.
Ask properly, meaning… say I want to be held? That’s what she means…?
Understanding it, my cheeks flushed hot, fast. My stomach’s been on fire this whole time, desperate to be touched, and here she is, being this mean about it — I nearly wanted to cry.
“…Or, would you rather stop here?”
I’d half suspected it already… Yui-san, always so gentle, turns mean in bed. I think this, probably, is closer to her true nature.
I can’t say it out loud, too embarrassing. But my body, already on fire, has no patience left… I can’t sleep like this. I don’t want her to stop, not here.
Just as I thought that, something came back to me. Right — there’s a way to invite her, without saying a word.
I gripped that left hand tight and lifted it, brought my lips to her middle and ring fingers. Then, gently, took them into my mouth and bit down, light.
Yui-san had always said, whenever I touched these particular fingers of her left hand — I can’t help but read it as an invitation. So, this should mean — exactly that.
I wonder if she understood.
Glancing up at her, Yui-san’s eyes widened, just slightly, startled, then she smiled, happy.
“…Mm, well done.”
Pulling her fingers from my mouth, they traced slow, gentle, from my neck down through the valley of my chest, further, lower than my stomach. Tracing my whole body, slow. Just from that, a shiver raced down my spine.
“Since you asked so properly, I’ll give you a reward.”
I nodded, small. “Lift your hips a little,” she said, gentle, and I obediently did as told.
And yet, no sign at all of her pushing me down, and, puzzled, I watched her, and Yui-san, apparently noticing, laughed, soft.
“Just stay right there, on top.”
“Eh…?”
Not remotely mentally prepared, her mischievous fingertips slipped inside my underwear. About to let a sound escape, I squeezed my eyes shut without meaning to.
“Kanata. Don’t close your eyes. Keep looking at me the whole time. Or I won’t make you feel good.”
Tears welled, slow, unstoppable. Even when I let out a small, pleading sound — no — every time I closed my eyes, her hand went perfectly still, so, through my blurring vision, all I could do was keep looking at her.
“…This is because you kept teasing me so much. Payback. …Bite me as many times as you want tonight.”
Those mischievous black eyes watched me. Just that gaze alone was enough to make my body shiver, my feelings surging, out of control—
And so, in the end, my carefully laid plan failed, spectacularly.
*
That night, more than thoroughly, I was taught, over and over, exactly how much Yui-san “prefers to be the one holding.”
Crying, apologizing, she still wouldn’t easily forgive me, and I learned, firsthand, just how unbearable those two weeks of being made to wait had genuinely been for her — and reflected on it deeply, myself.
Whatever the reason, I resolved — I will never, ever leave Yui-san waiting like that again.
The next morning, Yui-san, thoroughly covered in bite marks, winced faintly while getting dressed — but on that particular point, I decided, firmly, that I wasn’t in the wrong, not even slightly.
＊＊＊
“Hey, Kanata, still sulking?”
“…I’m not sulking…”
In the car on the way back, Yui-san asked, half-joking.
Not sulking. Just, remembering yesterday, a little too embarrassed to look at her.
“Your teasing isn’t exactly new, Yui-san…”
“Sorry. But you like mean me too, don’t you?”
“…I don’t know.”
Told that, I was startled. What do I do… how did she figure that out? I’d thought she hadn’t noticed, that my body reacts, for some reason, every time she’s mean to me.
But all of this, every bit of it, is Yui-san’s fault. Whatever “frigid” body I used to have — she’s the one who changed that, no one else.
Hiding my heating cheeks, I turned pointedly toward the window. A crisp, almost too-perfect autumn sky. It was supposed to be a wonderful memory, Yui-san’s birthday — and instead I’d been thoroughly wrecked.
Humming to herself, one hand on the wheel, Yui-san seemed unusually cheerful — so maybe, in her own way, this had counted as a success after all.
*
She suggested we head back to her place first to rest before she drove me home in the evening, and I nodded, easy. I’d wanted to stay over if possible, but tomorrow’s Monday, so it couldn’t be helped.
Having used up so much energy the night before, spending the afternoon relaxing with Yui-san sounded like perfect timing anyway.
*
After the long drive, we reached Yui-san’s house a little past noon. Opening the garage shutter, she parked the car.
A little sleepy, I thought, pulling our bags from the car, when Yui-san gently took my hand.
Even for the short walk from the garage to the front door, I’m always happy when she holds my hand like that. Thinking that, I looked at Yui-san, and she looked back and smiled, bright.
The necklace glinting at my chest, my cheeks softened naturally.
“Yui-san, what do you want for lunch?”
“What do you want, Kanata?”
Trading idle chatter, just as she was unlocking the front door—
“—Yui.”
My heart lurched, once, hard. A low, carrying man’s voice sounded from behind, and I turned.
—A gaze like a snake stalking its prey. There he stood, tall, dressed casually, wearing a faint smile.
Flustered, I tried to pull my hand free, and Yui-san gripped it tight, firm, stopping me. Though I nearly panicked, Yui-san turned to face Kitagami-san, perfectly composed.
“I wondered who you were ignoring your partner’s messages to see… turns out it was Aozawa-san. What a relief.”
His gaze flicked, sharp, toward our joined hands. I could feel a cold sweat trace down my back.
What do I do, what will she say? Watching her closely, Yui-san answered, without a hint of panic.
“Huh, when did we become partners, again?”
Said so plainly, so bluntly, that I stared at her, startled. Kitagami-san burst out laughing.
“Honestly, Yui, you never change.”
“Something you need? It’s my day off today… if it’s about work, save it for tomorrow.”
“It’s your birthday, isn’t it. Just brought your present.”
Saying that, Kitagami-san held out a pale blue paper bag to Yui-san, smiling, bright.
“Happy birthday.”
“…Thank you. But I already told you, I don’t need presents anymore.”
“Don’t say that, just take it. …You two really do seem close, though. A little jealous, honestly, even between women.”
Whether the barb I felt in those words was real, or just my own guilt toward Kitagami-san talking — I couldn’t tell. Whether he’d noticed or not, I had no way of reading what Kitagami-san actually thought.
Kitagami-san looked at me. Deep in that gaze, something like a sharp blade seemed hidden, and my breath grew difficult.
“Sorry for interrupting. Well, see you around.”
Saying that, Kitagami-san turned on his heel and left, easy, without hesitation. My heart was still pounding, loud, restless.
“…Should we go inside?”
Yui-san said it, apologetic. I nodded, and once we were inside, Yui-san tossed the paper bag from Kitagami-san carelessly onto a shelf, then pulled my body into a tight embrace.
“Sorry, for putting you through something unpleasant.”
“…Yui-san. Do you think Kitagami-san might have… figured out our relationship?”
Tentative, I asked.
“Who knows. Even if he has figured it out, I don’t think he’d say anything about it.”
“But… doesn’t Kitagami-san like you, Yui-san…?”
I could feel something like hostility in the way he looked at me. Whether that came from romantic feelings, I have no way of knowing.
“No, he doesn’t. Does Shinji really seem like the type who’d pine devotedly for someone he’s been engaged to for eight years without so much as touching?”
Put that way, he really doesn’t seem the type, but—
“…All Shinji wants is status. Once I get my father to understand about me, I plan to make sure Shinji gets an appropriate position too, in exchange. So it’s fine. Our engagement ending won’t actually change anything for him. If anything, he might even be relieved, getting to marry someone he actually loves instead.”
I wonder if that’s really true. Somehow, I can’t quite believe Kitagami-san sees it that way at all…
Maybe Yui-san’s just so uninterested in him that she genuinely doesn’t understand what he’s actually thinking…
Trying to shake off the unease, I pressed myself closer against her chest, hugging her body tight.
I know. Right now, this relationship isn’t something that should be forgiven, and to Kitagami-san, it’s nothing but betrayal.
I’m the one who should be blamed, not Kitagami-san. By the world’s standards, I’m the one in the wrong.
I know that, but — even if Kitagami-san said he didn’t want to let Yui-san go, I could never, ever let go of her again.
That’s what I thought.