Episode 61
I rolled around on the bed.
I hugged Mofu-chan tight, trying to settle the emotion churning in my chest.
Just remembering the feeling of being held by Morishita is enough to make me happy.
Ever since that day, Morishita’s visits to my place have grown less frequent. There are still days she comes, but with nothing left to actually study for, she seems restless the moment she arrives and heads home again quickly.
Realising that studying was the only thing tying our relationship together makes something in me ache. Precisely because of that, I want a kind of relationship that can keep going regardless.
“Dating Morishita, huh…”
I can’t picture myself honestly telling Morishita I like her, and I can’t picture a future where she’d receive those feelings and return them the same way.
Loving her this much, and knowing the feeling only runs one direction, hurts my chest terribly.
I want to date Morishita.
I want to become her lover.
I want to touch Morishita.
I want to kiss Morishita.
I never knew I was someone capable of this much wanting.
I was supposed to be a person without desires.
And yet Morishita turned me into someone greedy.
“Morishita, idiot.”
No matter how much I grumbled, it only left me feeling emptier.
Right then the intercom rang, and I shot up as though startled.
There’s only one person who rings my intercom after school.
My heart leapt loudly, and I ran to the entrance.
“Morishita!?”
“What? You’re being loud.”
“Come inside, anyway.”
I dragged her bodily into the apartment.
While I was preparing tea, Morishita stood without sitting down, wearing a difficult expression, watching me.
Curious, I leaned in to look at her face, and she said “too close” and pushed my shoulder back.
“Morishita, what’s wrong?”
“I passed the first stage.”
“Eh!? Really!? That’s amazing!”
I reached to hug her without thinking, and she pushed my face back so hard my neck nearly cramped.
Even so, I was happy, and gripped her hand tight.
“That’s really amazing! Congratulations!”
“It’s not that amazing.”
“It is!”
“It’s thanks to Fujishiro…”
Morishita looked down, unconfident, and wouldn’t meet my eyes.
Her strange behaviour caught my attention, and I tried to force my way into her field of view, but she kept turning her face away, again and again.
While I was still confused about why she was acting this way, she suddenly pulled me into an embrace, and my heart leapt. My breath caught, and my head swayed slightly.
Just being held by someone I love is enough to make my heart feel like it might burst. But I could feel Morishita’s body trembling, and it naturally settled my own feelings back down.
“Thanks for everything.”
“I didn’t really do anything…”
“I’m saying thank you.”
“O, okay… I’m glad I could help.”
Once she’d managed to string those words together, Morishita pulled away from me. She kept trying to move further away, so I caught her hand.
“Going home?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you only come to say thanks?”
“Yeah.”
“Ahaha. Very you. I need to study, so stay next to me?”
“I’d be in the way.”
“No. I want Morishita beside me.”
At my selfish request, Morishita said nothing and sat down at the low table.
I hurried to settle beside her too and started studying, and Morishita quietly began reading through her interview exam reference book.
Her profile was almost unbearably lovely.
Long lashes, neatly defined double eyelids, a straight, elegant nose bridge, alluring lips, a beautiful jawline.
My eyes were pinned to her face.
I held back the urge to touch her, and the desire to keep her all to myself welled up instead, and the moment I tried to hold that back too, the wanting to touch her overflowed again.
No matter what I tried to endure, more wanting for Morishita just kept rising up.
I reached out, wanting to touch even just her jet-black hair, and she brushed my hand away like swatting a fly.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“If you’re not going to concentrate on studying, I’m leaving.”
“Morishita, what kind of person do you want to date?”
“What?”
“What kind of person do you think you’d want to be with?”
I pressed the question, and Morishita’s brow creased, her expression turning pained.
I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get a good answer, but it was something I wanted to know, even a little, to get closer to her.
“I don’t know.”
“You must have some kind of ideal, right? Like, I’d want someone like this.”
“I don’t. I don’t even think about wanting to date anyone in the first place.”
“Why not?”
Morishita bit her lower lip, speaking as though it pained her, and even knowing that pressing further would only hurt her more, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
She stayed frowning, deep in thought. Unable to wait any longer, I took her hand. But she pulled it away, looking displeased.
“I don’t want to be tossed around by someone else’s feelings.”
“What do you mean?”
“Even if I dated someone, eventually they’d stop needing me.”
“……?”
Morishita’s words came out in fragments.
I struggled to understand what she was actually trying to say, the pieces didn’t fit together cleanly. But I felt certain I shouldn’t leave this conversation as it was.
“Sorry. I’m not that clever, so I don’t quite get it. Can you tell me more specifically what you mean?”
“……………I don’t see the point in dating someone when there’s always an end coming eventually.”
“An end…?”
“Yeah.”
“Then just don’t let it end.”
The moment I answered plainly, Morishita’s eyes went wide. But almost immediately her expression turned sour, and she spoke on, clearly irritated.
“Liking someone is just a passing feeling. It fades eventually. When the other person feels that way, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
I felt like her words, which had been so opaque, were finally coming into focus.
She’s probably afraid of being left.
If liking someone stops, and that becomes the end of the relationship, she probably feels that means the end of the connection with that person too.
I regretted having let her read so many of my shoujo manga.
“Morishita’s the type who wants to stay with her first partner for the rest of her life.”
“How did you get that from what I just said?”
“What I heard was, ‘if I’m going to date someone, I want them to stay with me forever.’”
I said it teasingly, and Morishita’s expression turned thoroughly, genuinely displeased. “I’m not talking to you anymore,” she said, and ignored everything I said after that.
Even so, I kept studying, leaning my body against hers.
How happy would I be if I could actually date Morishita?
If she could come to love me, surely she’d stay by my side forever.
Today became a day where I found myself greedily wishing, more and more, to be loved by Morishita.