Episode Thirty-Four: Caught You, Santa
We laid out our homemade Christmas dinner across the dining table and sat down facing each other.
Yui-san had already handled most of the prep work the day before, so honestly I hadn’t done much myself, but cooking side by side together in the kitchen had still been genuinely fun.
“Kanata, the paella turned out really good.”
“Really? I’m so glad…”
Even with her walking me through every step, it had been my first attempt at real cooking since a home-ec class, so hearing that put me at ease.
Watching her eat, smiling, happy, my own cheeks softened.
I want to get properly good at cooking too, someday.
Once I can manage it on my own, I want to make something for Yui-san. The way she always does for me.
Christmas is wonderful. I never knew it could be an occasion that makes you feel this happy.
I’ve always spent it with family before, but this is a different kind of happiness entirely.
Christmas, I think, is only really Christmas when you spend it with someone.
“…Yui-san, weren’t you ever lonely, spending Christmas alone every year?”
“Eh? Hmm. I wonder. I don’t think I ever really felt lonely about it. Guess I just got used to being alone, went numb to it.”
There must have been more invitations than she could count.
Yui-san draws a clear line with the women she plays around with — a boundary marking exactly how far she’ll let anyone in, and no further.
Given that I’ve never once heard a single one of them complain, they must all understand and accept that arrangement going in.
Doesn’t she ever want it, though? An ordinary life shared with someone. Trading pointless small talk, laughing together, the right to fall asleep in someone’s arms.
I want it. Maybe that makes me greedy.
“What about you, Kanata, last Christmas…”
Right there, Yui-san stopped short. She seemed to think it over for a beat, then shook her head, side to side.
“…Sorry, never mind, forget it.”
“What, right in the middle like that?”
“It’s fine. Something I didn’t need to ask.”
Said with a small sigh, and somehow, I understood exactly what she’d been about to ask.
“Were you about to ask… who I spent last Christmas with?”
I asked it back, and her black eyes narrowed, sharp. It felt like she was pressuring me not to say it — and yet, sensing jealousy underneath it, I felt a small flicker of happiness too.
But Yui-san’s guess was wrong.
“I spent it with my family. By then, I’d already been dumped.”
Hearing that, Yui-san’s face showed something like relief, though not quite fully convinced either.
“I see… but no matter how many times I hear it, I genuinely can’t wrap my head around it. Having a girlfriend this cute — how does anyone cheat on that?”
Why, huh. I found myself thinking back to the man who’d dumped me. Looking at it now, I’m glad he did. Thanks to that, I met Yui-san — which means, in the end, dating him wasn’t entirely wasted time either.
“He just never really loved me. That’s all it was.”
That’s how I see it now. In the end, I think anyone willing to satisfy his own wants would have done just fine, whoever it was.
He used to say, “if you really loved me, you’d meet my needs.” Even when I found it painful, he always put his own wants first. He never once considered me.
But Yui-san had told me — “if you actually like each other, there’s no need to force yourself to go along with something you hate.”
Those words saved something in me.
I know I could just chalk it up to a difference between men and women and leave it at that, and of course not every man is like him.
But at this point, it genuinely doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t feel a single scrap of anything toward him now.
“…If it were me, I’d never cheat…”
Yui-san murmured it, almost to herself, and I found myself lifting my eyes, meeting hers, unbidden.
Wanting to know what she really meant. I searched those black eyes, the ones I love, deep as a midnight sea.
At that, Yui-san’s expression flickered, startled, just for an instant. Like she’d let slip something she never meant to say.
“…Even though you have no intention of ever getting a girlfriend?”
I said it, half-accusing, and Yui-san gave a wry, deflecting laugh.
“…Just hypothetically.”
She tipped back her champagne glass, her pale throat moving as she swallowed. Her collarbone, without its usual glimmer, looked strangely unfamiliar.
If it were me — hearing her say that, I’d half hoped she was about to court me properly. Guess it’s never quite that simple.
*
After enjoying dinner, we had Christmas cake, and sat shoulder to shoulder, talking about all kinds of things.
Stories from childhood, family, friends, everything else besides. I wanted her to know everything about me, and I wanted to know everything about her.
What kind of circumstances she’d grown up in, how she’d felt at each turn, how she’d arrived at who she is now, and how she wants to live going forward. I want to know all of it.
Yui-san is like some intricate puzzle.
Gathering up the pieces that spill out, little by little, from our conversations, fitting them together — only then does her outline finally start to take shape.
But the puzzle that makes up who she is doesn’t show any sign of nearing completion yet, and I still don’t know what picture it’s actually forming.
But if I can learn every single piece that makes up Yui-san, maybe I could become someone who stands beside her pain, her hurt, even just a little.
Believing that, I find myself wishing, from the heart, to win my place beside her, however long it takes.
*
Before I knew it, the date was about to change. Time to head to our own rooms.
*
I’d decided to sneak the Christmas present I’d prepared onto her pillow after she’d fallen asleep.
Honestly, I wanted to hand it over right now and see her happy face, but I figured I’d save that for tomorrow morning instead.
“Thanks for today. It was so much fun.”
“I should be the one thanking you. I’ll take good care of it, Yui-san’s necklace.”
I said it, hand pressed to my chest, and Yui-san smiled, happy, and pulled me close.
“…Good night, Kanata.”
Her face drew near, and knowing I was about to be kissed, I gently closed my eyes. Our lips met, soft.
A good-night kiss — a first. I think I love this kind of gentle kiss too. Something warm welled up deep in my chest, overflowing with fondness.
I don’t want to let go. I want to stay together longer. I nearly let myself say something selfish.
But I can’t give her the present unless she’s asleep.
“…Good night.”
Gently, I let go of her hand.
*
Fighting off drowsiness again and again, holding out, holding out, until the clock’s hands finally swept past two in the morning.
Figuring Yui-san would surely be asleep by now, I slipped out of my room without slippers, tiptoeing, careful not to make a single sound.
I couldn’t quite manage the full Santa costume, the way her father once had.
I eased her bedroom door open, careful not to make a sound. The room was pitch dark, silent.
Careful with every footstep, I crept up to her bedside and peeked in. Her breathing was even and steady, her long lashes lowered, and I let out a small breath of relief.
Good, she’s really asleep.
Better place this and retreat before she wakes up.
With the utmost care, as quietly as I possibly could, I set the present down by her pillow.
Alright, mission accomplished. Just need to withdraw without making a sound.
Just as I turned to leave, a hand shot out and grabbed mine, hard, and my heart clenched, tight.
“Waah!”
Yui-san sat bolt upright and yanked my hand, hard, throwing me off balance, and I went sprawling straight onto the bed.
Caught firmly in her arms, I heard Yui-san’s voice at my ear, soft and sweet with sleep.
“…Caught you, Santa.”
“Y-you scared me…! Geez, Yui-san! Why are you even awake…?”
Even if you noticed, couldn’t you have just pretended not to? Mean person. And here I’d stayed up until two for nothing.
I heard soft laughter, right at my ear.
“Because I never expected Santa would actually come, and I’m happy about it.”
Her hair, nuzzling insistently against my neck, tickled. Mission failed. My shoulders slumped, defeated.
“Geez… that tickles…”
“Hey, what’d Santa bring me? Can I open it?”
Kissed gently on the cheek, all the strength drained out of my body. Held tight in her arms, her body felt slightly warmer than usual, probably from just waking up, and it felt wonderful.
“No. Open it in the morning.”
“Eh, why?”
“That’s just how presents from Santa work.”
Falling asleep giddy with anticipation, waking up the next morning to check your present first thing. A happy day starting right from the morning. That’s what Christmas is.
Sneaking out in the middle of the night to check your present and going back to sleep is against the rules.
Convinced by that logic, Yui-san laughed and, still holding me, flopped straight back down onto the bed.
“Got it. Then I’ll open the present tomorrow morning.”
Pulled into her arms, she tucked the blanket snugly up to my shoulders.
“Um… Yui-san?”
This bed smells really good. Yui-san’s scent. My heart’s racing so much.
“…Since we’re already here, let’s just sleep together tonight.”
Our bodies pressed close together, comfortable. I couldn’t bring myself to want to leave this bed and go back to my own room either.
Probably because she’d already been sleeping, Yui-san’s breathing evened out into sleep almost immediately.
Drawn along by it, I felt sleep pulling at me too, slow and heavy.
“…Yui-san… I love you…”
Hugging her body close, I closed my eyes. Before I knew it, I’d fallen into a deep sleep myself.
*
The next morning, the snow that had fallen all night lay piled outside the window, turning everything pure white.
Yui-san, waking earlier than me for once, opened her present at first light, and I watched her hug that scarf close, laughing, innocent and delighted, and thought—
Ah. I’m happy. I really am.