Episode 150: Life

I was standing at the edge of the rooftop.

My foot took a step forward. The foot I’d put out hovered in mid-air—

‘Ha ha… I’m scared…’

I immediately planted my foot back on the ground and pressed my back against the wall farthest from the edge of the building. My heart was pounding so loudly it seemed it would never stop.

　Back then, my heart was so numb I couldn’t even feel that sensation. I can still recall those events as if they happened only yesterday. And how my relationship with her began right there—

　I can never thank her enough for unravelling my numb heart.

　Is it about time…?

　I heard the sound of a door opening with a clatter.

‘Takisawa-san, you’re here again?’
‘Hello.’

The girl in the sailor uniform standing before me strode towards me with an air of displeasure and glared at me with piercing eyes. Her gaze should have been fierce, yet there was no light in the depths of her eyes. I recognised that face.

‘Don’t bother me.’
‘I’m not bothering you. Let’s just have a little chat.’

　I gently tried to pull her by her hand away to a spot far from the edge of the rooftop, but she simply flicked it away with a sharp snap.

‘I’ve got nothing to say to you, Sensei.’
‘Well, I do.’
‘Sensei, with a personality like that, you’d never have any friends, would you?’

I reckon she’s quite a sharp girl. Even back when I wasn’t like this, I wasn’t the sort of person who had many friends. Perhaps I’m a bit pushy now. It’s thanks to a certain someone that I’ve turned out this way.

‘I don’t have many friends, so be my conversation partner.’
‘Asking a student to be your conversation partner? Are you daft?’

Even as she grumbled, she sat down with her back against the wall, so I gently sat down beside her.

‘What about your lesson, Sensei?’
‘I don’t have one right now. What about you, Izumi?’
‘Are you asking that on purpose? It’s obvious I’m skipping class, isn’t it?’
“I used to skip lessons and come up to the roof quite often myself.”

Perhaps she hadn’t expected me to say that, because Izumi looked surprised. The air was clear today, and a pleasant breeze had blown between us several times already.

“Surprised?”
“Extremely surprised. You don’t seem the type to skip lessons.”
“I’m a teacher now, so I’m just pretending to be serious.”

　I forced a smile. I’m not sure I’m very good at it; I still feel I can’t manage a proper smile in situations like this. I suppose that’s not exactly ideal for a teacher, but right now, I decided to face the girl in front of me simply as one human being.

I’m Izumi’s homeroom teacher, and ever since I happened to witness her doing something dangerous up here, I’ve been coming to the rooftop during my free periods out of concern. Perhaps she skips class quite often, as I’ve started bumping into her here frequently, and we’ve spent more and more time chatting like this.

　It’s probably best not to ask why Izumi-san was standing at the edge of the roof; I can pretty much guess what she was trying to do, so I reckon it’s best not to bring it up. However, I felt that if I left the emotional distance between us as it was, I’d surely end up regretting it, both for her sake and my own.

‘What were you doing on the day Izumi-san and I met here?’

　I spoke to her, trying as much as possible not to make the atmosphere too serious.

‘That’s none of your business, is it?’
‘It is my business.’
‘That’s only because you’re my homeroom teacher. That’s why I hate you. I hate adults.’
‘You’re allowed to hate me and adults, but I’m not asking because I’m your homeroom teacher.’
‘Then why…’

I looked her straight in the eye, then found myself smiling slightly.

‘Because you reminded me of myself when I was in high school…’

I don’t know what Izumi was planning to do on the roof, as she never told me herself. However, the expression on her face at that moment was the same as the one I used to see in the mirror every morning when I was in the dark.

　Seeing her like that, my body acted before my mind could think.

　Looking back now, I don’t know if it was right to stop her from going through with her decision there and then. Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do.

　Because of that, Izumi still seems to be suffering. It’s possible I’ve made a grave mistake. Yet, to ensure I don’t regret my actions, I still think deeply about everything and choose this path from among many options.

If what I did was wrong, that is an unalterable fact; the only thing I can change is the future. I don’t believe I have the power to do so, but I’ve resolved to live my present to the fullest so that I won’t have any regrets.

Izumi-san stared at me with wide eyes, then hugged her knees and hid her face.

‘Sensei… what would you do if you couldn’t see someone you care about anymore because you had hurt them, or if they went far away…?’

She, who usually exudes an intimidating air, looked as though she might vanish at any moment. I’ve been patiently talking to Izumi-san all this time, but this is the first time she’s brought up something like this, and I’m taken aback.

I don’t know what the right thing to say is here. My words and actions might end up causing her even more pain.

‘If you’re asking for my opinion as Takisawa Sora, rather than as your teacher, I can tell you. Also, if you promise not to let what I say narrow your own choices, I’ll share my thoughts.’

I held out my little finger to her. Izumi-san seemed a little hesitant, but she gripped my little finger firmly in return.

‘Please tell me.’
‘Right. If it were me, I’d do everything I could to avoid any regrets, go and see that person, and apologise properly for the hurt I’d caused. Even if they were on the other side of the world or on the moon, I’d go and see them.”
“Why…?”
“Well, if there’s even a sliver of a chance I could see that important person, I wouldn’t want to have any regrets. Especially if they’re important to me. If I’ve done my absolute best and it still doesn’t work out, I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”

I thought to myself, what an uncharacteristic answer that was. But even this uncharacteristic version of me is who I am right now.

I don’t know if it answers her question, but it’s what I truly feel.

　The heat was rising to my cheeks because I’d said something so embarrassing.

“Ha ha ha. I didn’t know you could say things like that, Takisawa-san.”
“Is that something to laugh at?”
“I always thought you were perfect and unapproachable. So that was Takisawa Sora-san’s opinion, then?”

I felt as though the cloud had lifted slightly from her face. Or perhaps I just wanted to believe that.

‘Sensei, I’m going back to class now. Thank you very much.’

With a deep bow, Izumi-san left the roof.

I was released from the trembling in my legs that had made me feel as though I might freeze, and I slumped down onto the floor.

My opinion might have a huge impact on her life. That thought terrified me, and it weighed on me like an unbelievably heavy burden.
　There was even a possibility that my words might push her in the wrong direction. I thought to myself, how terrifying words can be. I’ve felt this way on many occasions, especially since taking on this job.

　Yet, for some reason, the breeze I felt today was pleasant.

　I finished work and walked along the familiar path. The cold winter had passed, and the weather had become more pleasant. However, the thought that the season when humidity clings to one’s body was approaching left me feeling gloomy.

I peered into the letterbox of the block of flats and, seeing that it was empty, felt my heart skip a beat.
I pressed the button for the seventh floor and closed the lift doors. Although I should have been utterly exhausted, my steps felt light as I made my way to the front door.

As I turned the handle and opened the door, a slightly dazzling light flooded into the room, and the scent that travelled from my nose to the back of my head stirred a tingling sensation in my stomach and chest.

‘Welcome home.’
‘I’m home.’

I immediately hugged the person I loved tightly.

‘Sora, has something happened?’
‘Yeah…’
‘Let’s have some dinner first.’

Endo-san noticed my state straight away and gently took my hand. The food she cooked, the bath she’d warmed for me, her bed, everything enveloped me gently, warming both my heart and body.

　The woman lying beside me looked at me with great concern.

‘What’s happened? I won’t force you to talk if you don’t want to.’

Endo gently hugged me. Tears welled up in my eyes. I think I’ve grown much weaker with age since my student days. No, I think my heart has grown stronger. Back then, I was afraid of getting hurt, so I put up walls against everything. I built walls around my own heart and turned a blind eye to it all.

　Now, I can face things properly without putting up walls around myself or those around me. As a result, I’ve suffered many more wounds, but I think I like myself better now than I did before. I suppose all of this is because I chose to live my life with her, rather than living alone.

Once I’d calmed down a little, I spoke to her.

‘Endo, why did you stop me back then? Weren’t you scared?’

I looked up at her and saw a slightly surprised expression on her face. She grunted a little and looked troubled for a moment, then smiled gently and continued speaking.

‘I wonder why. My body just moved on its own. I’m not sure if I could do the same thing if I were faced with the same situation now.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I would think I might be taking away Sora’s freedom of choice and causing her pain. Back then, my way of thinking was still so immature; my head was full of idealistic notions. Since I was the one who’d been left behind by my family, I thought that if Sora died, there might be someone else who’d feel the same way I did. But not everyone is in the same situation as me, you know.”

Endo-san took a deep breath and exhaled. I found myself taking a deep breath in sync with her.

“That’s why I’m glad I was so immature back then. ‘Does Sora resent me for what I did back then?’
‘No. I’m grateful.’
‘I see. That’s a relief.’

Endo-san gave me a happy smile and gently stroked my head. Her touch felt so comforting that I wanted to feel that warmth forever. I clasped Endo-san’s hand tightly as she stroked my head. Perhaps I squeezed too hard, for I could almost hear the thumping of her pulse through her hand.

“I’ve seen a student who reminds me of myself back then recently, and I ended up stopping what she was doing. I’d been feeling anxious, wondering if I was taking away her choices and causing her pain.”
“Do you regret it, Sora?”
“If you ask me if I regret it, I suppose maybe a little, but I’m trying my best to make sure it doesn’t turn into regret.”
“I don’t know anything about that girl, but I think if she were to disappear, you’d surely regret it for the rest of your life.”
“Why…?”
“Because Takisawa Sora is a warm-hearted person.”

Endo-san placed her hand on my chest and patted it gently. I could feel the warmth radiating from where she touched me. I really do think she’s a warm-hearted person.

‘You’ve got to do your best so you won’t have any regrets. I don’t want you to push yourself too hard, but if things get too tough, I’ll always be there to support you.’
‘You’re like the sun, aren’t you, Endo-san?’
‘Hehe. Well then, you’re like a star in the night sky, aren’t you?’
‘Stars just shine; they don’t actually do anything.’
‘Did you know? Stars are the same kind of celestial bodies as the sun. So that means you’re like the sun too, doesn’t it?’

　Endo-san spoke about such embarrassing things with such confidence. Yet, simply having a conversation with her, the sort even primary school children wouldn’t have, made the knots in my heart gradually melt away.

How fortunate I am.

I could never have felt this happiness, nor these passionate feelings for her, if I hadn’t been alive.

I’m glad to be alive—.

　There will surely be many more worries ahead. Each time, I might suffer and be hurt, and perhaps find myself unable to get back on my feet alone.

But as long as Endo-san is there, no matter how hard or painful it gets, I feel I want to keep living. As long as she’s by my side, I’m confident I can get back up no matter what obstacles I face.

I won’t run away anymore.

Not from my own feelings, nor from my own life—

‘Hina, I love you.’

I gently pressed my lips against hers. The woman with her usual silly expression was right in front of me. But her face quickly turned serious, and this time she stole my lips.

‘I love you too.’

Endo-san held me so tightly it almost hurt, so I hugged her back just as tightly.

　I’m glad I was born into this world.

　I’m glad the person I’m holding right now was born into this world.

　I’m glad I met Endo-san in this world, where there are as many people as there are stars.

　I’m glad I chose the path of living and finding happiness together with her.

　I pray for this from the bottom of my heart, almost every day.

　May this happiness last forever—

　Enveloped in a happiness so intense it almost hurts, I live on today.

[The End]