Episode 27: Finally, You Looked at Me
For several days, this continued — Yuno and I passing each other by, or rather, I was the one unilaterally avoiding her, keeping my distance.
And with that, something in me had naturally started to settle, or so I thought.
This might be alright, after all.
That’s what I was beginning to believe.
＊＊＊
Friday night.
I worked overtime again, getting home around eleven.
Yuno was apparently off tonight, and had fallen asleep lying on the sofa.
No blanket pulled over her. Maybe she’d been waiting for me to come home and simply drifted off like that.
No — that couldn’t be it. Surely not. Not for someone like me.
I disliked myself for having that ridiculous hope. And yet at the same time, the thought that she might have been waiting pricked at me with guilt.
I draped the blanket over her.
As I gently tucked the edge near her shoulder, a soft breath escaped her.
A slow, even huh, huh, repeating steadily, in the quiet room with the TV off.
It had been a while since I’d seen her sleeping face this close.
Long lashes. Cheeks faintly flushed. Lips just slightly parted. A sleeping face as innocent as a child’s.
Why does it pierce my chest like this.
Without meaning to, I let my hand rest softly on her head, stroking. Soft hair slipping smoothly between my fingers. My hand wouldn’t stop.
“Mm…”
Yuno’s eyelids fluttered.
This is bad. She’s going to wake up.
I pulled my hand back reflexively and put some distance between us. My face went hot, and I looked away on instinct. My heart was pounding, stupidly, again and again. As an adult, reacting like this was pathetic. Embarrassing.
I heard Yuno give a soft heh.
Glancing sideways, her drooping eyes had narrowed into a soft, easy smile. Her cheek bore a faint pillow-mark, still faintly red, and she kept blinking, still sleepy.
“Welcome home, big sis.”
That sleepy, sweet voice made something throb in my chest.
Something between pain and longing. A feeling I couldn’t name, squeezing tight at the inside of my chest.
Cute. The thought came plainly, without dressing it up.
There was a part of me — happy, I realized — that this smile, right now, was directed only at me. And recognizing that happiness made me dislike myself all over again.
“…I’m home.”
I murmured it, small, turned my back on Yuno, and hurried toward the shower.
＊＊＊
After the shower, I stood at the bathroom sink.
Toothbrush in my mouth, staring vacantly at my own reflection. My conversation with Matsuyama still drifting, unresolved, through my head.
My face looked tired. The circles under my eyes wouldn’t fade.
I’ve gotten older, I thought. Standing next to Yuno, the age gap would show clearly. Saeko was the same age as me and yet looked so much more youthful. That thought made me feel even more pathetic.
Then — suddenly, something soft pressed against me from behind.
A glimpse of a figure in the mirror. Yuno.
Had she woken up?
Her face buried against my back, slender white arms wrapped around my waist. Two soft curves pressed against my back, and my heart started up, noisy. Maybe still half-asleep, her warmth seeped through, slowly, steadily.
“Let go.”
“No.”
“You’re in the way.”
“No.”
“…Come on, move.”
“No.”
Every time I spoke, the arms seemed to tighten a little more. I turned around, meaning to glare at her.
“Hey, that’s enough, seriously——”
“Ah, finally, you looked at me.”
A happy, artless expression. Glistening eyes looking up at me, cheeks faintly flushed. That smile was unreasonably cute, and my chest gave a sharp, fluttering ache.
Unfair. How can she make a face like that. I’m shaken by it, every single time. Pathetic. Genuinely, I thought, pathetic.
“Okay, that’s enough, move——”
Before I could finish, Yuno’s hand crept slowly up toward my side.
Her fingers began to wiggle, tickling my ribs.
“Eh, wai— pfthahaha.”
I didn’t want to laugh, but the sound came out anyway. The ticklishness ran straight to the pit of my stomach, leaving no room to resist.
“…Nfh… hyahaha… stop— stahap it!! …Come on, Yuno.”
My voice cracked, pathetically, and I glared at Yuno. But I’m sure my face wasn’t remotely intimidating. Tears had welled up from laughing too hard. I didn’t want her to see a face like this.
Being with Yuno, everything comes apart. Whatever defenses I’d put up, gone in an instant.
“It’s because big sis kept ignoring me. I kept thinking about how to get you to look at me.”
…What is that.
Something pricked, sharp, at the back of my chest.
These past few days, I’d kept avoiding her. Because I couldn’t make sense of my own feelings. It had only been to calm myself down.
Maybe Yuno had been bothered by it too. Had been thinking about it. About me.
Guilt, and that black murk, and some other, separate, cloying feeling all mixed together, tangled like clay.
“If you ignore me again, I’ll tickle you again.”
Yuno’s face, eyes downcast, faintly sulking. Lips pushed out just slightly, cheeks a little flushed. But the corners of her eyes were laughing.
That expression was unbearably cute. My chest ached, tight enough to hurt.
And because of that, the black murk that had been piling up these past few days simply blew away somewhere.
Painfully cute. Painfully dear.
And at the same time, a black possessiveness rose up in me.
I don’t want anyone else to see this smile.
I don’t want that upward glance directed at anyone else.
— Not even at Saeko.
Such a hopeless feeling. Something I shouldn’t be allowed to have, slowly eating into the back of my chest.
As if to suppress it, I rinsed the foam from my mouth roughly, with more force than necessary.
“Hey, big sis.”
A short pause, then Yuno continued.
“I’m off my night shift tonight. Can I sleep together with you?”
My heart began pounding, fast.
In the mirror, I saw my own face tense up. I needed to look like nothing was wrong, and I couldn’t manage it. There was no composure left anywhere in me to fake.
Only the sound of the running tap filled the room, unreasonably loud.