Episode 79: I’ll Spend My Whole Life Making It Happen

If asked which season I loved most out of the four, the old me would have answered “summer” without hesitation. It was for childish reasons — the long holidays, the excitement of countless events packed into the calendar. But now that I’m grown, I’d say autumn is my favourite.

Because autumn is the season you were born in — the person I cherish most in the whole world.

　Lying in the hammock on the wooden deck, feeling the autumn breeze caress my skin and the rustle of leaves, I glanced over at my lover in the hammock beside me. Through the parting of her long black hair, I could see the outline of her beautifully shaped ear, where a silver earring sparkled, reflecting the orange glow of the setting sun.

　In fleeting moments, I sometimes think: Yui really did become my lover. Right now, everything about this person is mine alone. When I think that, a warm glow spreads deep within my chest.
It was none other than Yui who taught me this feeling has a proper name, and that it’s called ‘affection’.

“Karuizawa is a lovely place, isn’t it?”

　Yui-san said, gazing up at the sky with deep feeling, so I agreed, “Yes, it is.” It’s cool, the breeze feels wonderful, and I could stay here forever.

“I’d like to come every year. Maybe we should just buy a holiday home. What do you think, Kanata?”

Looking at me beside her, Yui-san smiled brightly. “A holiday home”… I, possessing only the financial sense of an ordinary person, stared in surprise.
　Just how much do you earn, Yui-san? – I started to say, but stopped myself. Even if she’s my girlfriend, asking that feels like breaking the rules. Though it did cross my mind, that’s true.

“In all my life, I’ve never even considered owning a holiday home…”

The Aosawa family moved around a lot for work, always living in rented flats. The idea of buying a house had never even occurred to me.
　But I absolutely adore that single-storey house she owns. Once everything’s settled, I want us to live together there again. It holds more meaning to me than any home I’ve ever lived in.

“Once work settles down, let’s take a long holiday together. Just the two of us. A trip would be nice.”

Once work settles down, huh. Meaning after this quarter’s accounts are finalised, I suppose. If we push through until March, our relationship will finally be out in the open.

I haven’t told Yui yet, but I too felt I had to tell my family. I thought I’d have to tell them when I went back to London over New Year – that I’m in love with a woman, and that I want to be with her.

That felt like the right thing to do for Yui, who has devoted her life to loving me this far.

　My mum and dad — I think they’d accept me. My dad’s like a golden retriever, always smiling and doting on his kids.
My mum, who adores my dad, is incredibly gentle and I know she’d wish for my happiness above all else.
　But what about Kaname? He’d probably make a huge fuss, demanding I bring the person home. He’s surprisingly attached to his big sister.
I don’t plan to reveal that person is Yui just yet… but Dad would definitely be shocked.

Even if we can’t marry, I’m this happy. Because you’re here beside me now.

“I hope we can get time off. The two of us.”

“It’ll be fine. I won’t be at this company forever anyway. It’s only busy for now.”

“Eh? Really?”

“Yes. The president of a subsidiary usually changes every three to five years or so. If Kanata’s willing, I’d like you to come with me when I move… but if you want to stay at your current company, that’s fine too. You can think about it then. It’s not certain I’ll be president again next time.”

“Huh… So that’s how companies work…”

I’d assumed Yui-san would be president of her current company forever. Apparently, that’s not how the world works. But then again, she’s supposed to become president of the holding company eventually, so I suppose that makes sense.

“Besides, it’d be a waste to just work all the time. …Nobody knows when they’ll die. That’s why I want to treasure the time we can spend together. I’ll make as much time as it takes.”

Yui-san gazed intently into my eyes as she said this. Probably… she was thinking about her mother. That’s what I thought.

“…Whatever Kanata wants to do, I’ll spend my whole life making it happen for you.”

Yui-san said that and smiled gently. My heart tightened with such tenderness.
Please, when my life ends, I want you beside me. I want you holding my hand. No matter how many years pass, no matter how many decades pass, this feeling will never change.

　Living in Japan, we cannot marry. I know that. Just moments ago, I thought I could be happy without marriage.

But still.

I want to marry. Yui. That’s what I found myself thinking.

I want you to swear your love to me alone before God. To swear you’ll never love another. That you’ll love only me for the rest of your life. Swear it properly.

　Why did this suddenly occur to me? I knew from the start we couldn’t marry.
Even though I love her this much, why can’t we? Why can’t we marry? We wouldn’t trouble anyone. I just love her, love her, love her so much I can’t bear it, and I just want to live with her.

“Hey, Yui-san.”

“Hmm?”

“…I love you.”

　Whispering those words with every ounce of feeling I had, Yui-san smiled with such profound happiness, reached out to my cheek, and stroked it gently.

It seems humans just get greedier and greedier. I still couldn’t bring myself to say something so embarrassing as wanting her to swear eternal love.

But someday, I want to see Yui-san in a wedding dress. That’s what I thought.

＊＊＊

Just as the internet reviews promised, the barbecue prepared for us was superb. The thick cuts of meat grilled outdoors were so delicious they made your cheeks drop, and there was such a variety of vegetables that the two of us couldn’t possibly finish it all.
By the time we’d eaten our fill and rested a little, it had grown completely dark. Before we knew it, orange lamps had been lit, softly illuminating the surroundings.

　Checking my phone as if suddenly remembering, I saw it was nearly time for our reserved bath.

“Yui-san, shall we head to the bath now?”

“Yeah, let’s go. I’m looking forward to having it all to ourselves.”

Peering at my face, she said it teasingly, so I quickly looked away, hoping she wouldn’t notice my flushed cheeks.

“It’s special today, you know. It’s your birthday celebration…”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks for indulging me.”

Back in the dome tent, I packed my change of clothes into the tote bag and got ready. Then, holding hands with Yui-san, we walked along the path to the hot spring facility.
At the entrance, we collected the key and headed towards the changing room. I’d heard it was an open-air bath, but the light in the changing room was still a bit bright, making me hesitate to undress.

　Even though she’d held me countless times before and was probably used to seeing me naked, I still felt nervous.

Yui gathered her long black hair and slipped off the shirt she’d been wearing without hesitation. I couldn’t quite pluck up the courage, fidgeting as I fiddled with the buttons of my blouse. Yui, now in her underwear, noticed my hesitation and giggled softly.

“What’s the matter? Can’t you undress yourself?”

“N-no, that’s not it!”

Then, suddenly, Yui-san’s long, white fingers reached out and touched the buttons of my blouse.

“I’ll undress you.”

“Eh… w-wait a moment!”

Wait, I’m not mentally prepared yet. I tried to stop her hand as she moved to undress me, looking up at Yui-san in a panic.
　Then — I saw a mischievous glint in those gentle eyes, like the sea at night, and realised she was teasing me. My cheeks flushed bright red.

“I-I can take it off myself, I tell you!… Yui-san, turn away.”

Desperately blurting that out, Yui-san laughed and looked away from me with a resigned sigh. One moment she’s teasing, the next she’s kind — Yui-san really is impossible to figure out.
Thanks to that, I’m always being led around by her, my heart pounding so loudly it won’t stop.

As requested, she didn’t look at me in the bright light, and I was relieved she kept her eyes averted until we got into the hot spring.

　Once I was submerged up to my shoulders in the warm water, Yui-san hugged me tightly from behind. Her smooth skin touched mine, and finally, my tense, stiff body felt like it could relax.

“…You really don’t need to be so shy. Kanata, you’re truly lovely.”

“I’m not as well-proportioned as you, Yui-san, so being seen naked in bright light is embarrassing for me.”

Unlike Yui, I’m not particularly tall, and my chest and figure are just average. It’s embarrassing to be stared at like that in bright light.

“Not at all. You’re absolutely beautiful. Remember when we went to Hakone and bathed together? I thought it back then. Your skin is so smooth and lovely. It makes me want to hold you close forever.”

She whispered this softly in my ear, and I pouted in annoyance.

“That… who are you comparing me to?”

Unlike me, Yui-san has plenty of “comparisons” to draw from, which is annoying. When I pointed this out, Yui-san just laughed and shook her head.

“I’m not comparing you to anyone.”

Really? Taking her left hand, which had slipped around my waist, I traced the tip of her neatly filed, pale brown nails.

　When I first trimmed my own nails for tonight, I kept remembering Yui-san’s nails. Since we started dating, Yui-san’s nails have grown short again, like they were in university. Back then, those nails were kept neat for countless girls.
But now — Yui-san always keeps her nails trimmed, just for me.

I remembered how, when I filed my own nails, that fact made me feel a strange mix of happiness and embarrassment.

　I love these long fingers of yours, so well-groomed, not a single hangnail. Unable to resist, I kissed her left hand, and Yui’s lips gently brushed my neck.

“Kanata.”

Hearing my name, I turned just my face, and her lips gently pressed against mine. Her hand, clasping mine tightly, felt hot. When our lips parted, her feverish eyes peered into mine.

“When you do things like that… I can’t help but think you’re inviting me. Is it alright to do it here?”

“Eh?”

I was startled by such a sudden remark. I was merely playing with Yui-san’s fingers.

“I didn’t mean to…”

I hurriedly stopped the hand creeping up my thigh. Yui-san furrowed her brow deeply and sighed softly.

“…Kanata. You really need to do something about that unconscious habit of yours… My rationality just can’t hold out.”

“W-What, it’s my fault? It’s because you’re always thinking lewd thoughts, isn’t it?”

“But it can’t be helped, can it? It’s only natural to want to do it when you like someone, right? Is it different for you, Kanata? You don’t want to do it with me?”

She stared straight into my eyes as she said that, so I couldn’t help but look away. When someone says something so directly, I never know what to say.

“It’s not that… But here… it’s no good…”

My voice grew fainter and fainter. If I let her push me around here, my plan would be ruined.
After the bath, I’d booked a bar. I’d planned to drink there. Because I probably couldn’t… well, I couldn’t just push Yui-san down without a drink, I thought.

Yui-san’s dark eyes fixed on me as I stammered.

“Then… would the bed be alright?”

Her voice was gentle, almost indulgent. I bowed my head and nodded. Yui chuckled softly.

“You’re being mean, Yui. Why are you laughing…”

Feeling embarrassed and sulky, I muttered that. Then, Yui pulled me close, wrapping her arms tightly around my body.

“Sorry, sorry. I just can’t help how much I adore you. I’ll be good, I promise.”

Her warm body pressed against mine felt so comforting I closed my eyes. My heart still pounded wildly.

Will I be alright? Can I really… hold out until nightfall? Suddenly, my confidence faltered. Thinking this, I wrapped my arms around her white back and hugged her back.