Episode Seventy-Nine: I’ll Spend My Whole Life Making It Come True
If you’d asked me, before now, which season I loved most out of the four, I would have said “summer” without hesitation. Nothing more than childish reasons — long breaks, one exciting event after another. But now, as an adult, I’d answer differently: autumn is my favorite.
Because autumn is the season you were born in — you, the person I love most in the entire world.
Lying in one of the hammocks lined up along the wood deck, feeling the autumn breeze brush my skin and the leaves rustling overhead, I glanced over at my girlfriend in the hammock right beside me. Through the gap in her long black hair, the shapely curve of her ear peeked out, a silver earring catching the orange evening light, glinting.
There are moments, out of nowhere, when it hits me all over again. Yui-san really did become my girlfriend. Right now, every bit of her belongs only to me. Thinking that, something deep in my chest warms, slow.
This feeling has a proper name — “love” — and it was Yui-san herself, no one else, who taught me that.
“Karuizawa really is a nice place.”
Looking up at the sky, savoring it, Yui-san said that, and I agreed too — “it really is.” Cool, the breeze pleasant, I could stay here forever.
“I want to come every year. Might as well just buy a vacation home. Kanata, what do you think?”
Turning to look at me, Yui-san grinned. “A vacation home” — I, with only an ordinary person’s sense of money, widened my eyes, startled.
Yui-san, exactly how much do you even make — I nearly asked, and stopped myself. Even between partners, that felt like a question against the rules. Though I admit, I was a little curious.
“I’ve never once, in my whole life, even considered owning a vacation home…”
The Aozawa family always moved for my father’s transfers, drifting from one rented apartment to another, so the idea of buying a house had simply never occurred to me at all.
But I love that single-story house Yui-san owns. Once everything’s settled, I want to live there with her again. It’s a home I feel more attached to than any other place I’ve ever lived — enough to think that.
“Once work settles down, let’s take a long vacation together, relax properly. A trip would be nice too.”
Once work settles down, huh. Meaning, once this fiscal year’s results close out. Hold out until March, and our relationship can finally become something public.
I haven’t told Yui-san yet, but I’ve been thinking — I need to tell my family too. Maybe when I go home to London over the New Year, I need to tell them that I’m in love with a woman, and that I want to spend my life with her.
That felt, to me, like the only proper way to honor Yui-san, who’s staked so much of her life loving me this far.
My father and mother — I think they’ll accept it. My father’s like a golden retriever, always smiling, doting on his kids.
My mother, who adores that father of mine, is gentle and easygoing, and I think she’d wish for my happiness above everything else.
But Kaname — I wonder about him. He’d probably make a huge fuss, demanding to meet whoever it is. He’s surprisingly attached to his big sister.
I have no plans yet to reveal that the person is Yui-san… but my father would definitely be shocked.
Even if we can’t marry, I’m this happy already. Because you’re here beside me, right now.
“I hope you can get time off. Together.”
“It’ll be fine. I’m not going to stay at this company forever anyway — being this busy is only temporary.”
“Eh, really?”
“Yeah. Subsidiary presidents usually rotate out somewhere between three and five years. If it’s okay with you, Kanata, I’d like you to come with me whenever I move on… but if you want to stay at the current company, that’s fine too. You can decide when the time comes. There’s no guarantee I’ll be president again next time, either.”
“I see… so that’s how it works, with companies…”
I’d just assumed Yui-san would stay president of this company forever. Apparently the world doesn’t work quite that simply. But she’s eventually meant to become president of the Holdings company anyway, so I suppose that makes sense too.
“Besides, it’d be such a waste, spending all my time on work. …No one knows when they might die. That’s exactly why I want to treasure the time we get to spend together. I’ll always make time for it, however much it takes.”
Yui-san said it, looking straight into my eyes. Maybe… she’s thinking of her mother. That’s what I thought.
“…Whatever you want to do, Kanata, I’ll spend my whole life making it come true.”
Saying that, Yui-san smiled, gentle. My chest tightened, squeezed with fondness.
Please, even in the very last moment of my life, I want you beside me. I want you holding this hand. However many years pass, however many decades, this feeling will never change.
As long as we live in Japan, we can’t marry. I know that. I’d only just thought, a moment ago, that I could be happy even without marriage.
And yet.
I still want to marry you. Yui-san. That’s what I found myself thinking, even so.
I want you to swear your love to me, and only me, before God. Swear that you’ll never love anyone else again. That you’ll go on loving only me, for the rest of your life. Swear it, properly.
Why did this thought suddenly hit me now, out of nowhere? I’d known from the very start that marriage was impossible for us.
Loving her this much, so why can’t we? Why can’t we marry? I’m not causing anyone any trouble. I just love her, love her, love her so much I can’t bear it, and I just want to live my life together with her—
“Hey, Yui-san.”
“Mm?”
“…I love you.”
Pouring every bit of feeling I had into that word, Yui-san smiled, genuinely, wholeheartedly happy, and reached out to gently stroke my cheek.
People really do just keep getting greedier, it seems. Asking her to swear eternal love — I don’t think I could ever actually say something that embarrassing out loud, not yet.
But someday, I want to see Yui-san in a wedding dress. That’s what I found myself thinking.
＊＊＊
Just as the online reviews had promised, the prepared barbecue was fantastic. The thick cuts of meat, grilled on the outdoor grill, were delicious enough to make my cheeks fall off, and there was such a wide variety of vegetables that the two of us couldn’t finish it all.
Full, and after a short rest, it had gone completely dark, and by the time I noticed, the orange lamps had already come on, casting a soft glow all around.
Remembering, I checked the time on my phone, and it was nearly time for our reserved bath slot.
“Yui-san, we should head to the bath soon.”
“Yeah, let’s go. Looking forward to having it to ourselves.”
Peering into my face, saying it with a mischievous edge, I turned my face away quickly, hoping she wouldn’t notice my flushed cheeks.
“Today’s special, you know. Because it’s your birthday celebration, Yui-san…”
“Yeah, I know. Thanks for indulging my selfish request.”
Back at the dome tent, packing a change of clothes into a tote bag, we walked hand in hand to the hot spring facility.
Collecting the key at the entrance, we headed for the changing room. I’d heard it was an open-air bath, but the changing room lighting was still fairly bright, and I hesitated over undressing.
I’ve already been held by her so many times, and she must be well used to seeing me undressed by now — and yet, even so, I still get nervous.
Yui-san gathered up her long black hair and, without hesitation, took off the shirt she’d been wearing. Fumbling with my blouse buttons, still hesitating, still shy, Yui-san, already down to her underwear, noticed and laughed, soft.
“What’s wrong? Can’t undress yourself?”
“Th-that’s not it.”
Then, suddenly, Yui-san’s pale, long fingers reached out and touched my blouse’s buttons.
“I’ll take it off for you.”
“Eh… w-wait a second.”
Wait, I’m not ready yet. I caught the hand reaching for my clothes and looked up at her, flustered.
Then — I saw it, that eye, gentle as the nighttime sea, holding a mischievous glint, and understood: I was being teased. My cheeks flushed hot.
“I-I can undress myself, thank you…! Yui-san, look the other way.”
Forcing that out, desperate, Yui-san laughed, and turned her gaze away — fine, fine. Mischievous one moment, gentle the next — I really can’t figure Yui-san out.
Which is exactly why I’m always the one getting swept along, my heart pounding, loud, unable to settle.
True to my request not to look while it was bright, Yui-san kept her eyes averted until we were both in the water, and I felt relieved.
Sinking into the warm water up to my shoulders, Yui-san hugged me tight from behind. Smooth skin touching, and finally, the tension that had been coiled tight in my body eased, relaxed.
“…You don’t have to be this shy. You’re really cute, Kanata, you know.”
“I don’t have a figure like yours, Yui-san, so being seen naked in a bright place is embarrassing.”
Unlike her, I’m not especially tall, and my chest and body are entirely ordinary — being studied closely, in the light, is embarrassing.
“That’s not true. You’re beautiful. Remember when we went to Hakone, and bathed together? I’ve thought it ever since then. Your skin’s so smooth, feels so good. Makes me want to keep holding you forever.”
Whispered gently at my ear, I pouted, lips pursed.
“That… who are you comparing me to, when you say that?”
Unlike me, Yui-san has plenty of “comparisons” to draw from, and it wasn’t fun to think about. Pointing that out, Yui-san laughed and shook her head.
“I’m not comparing you to anyone.”
I wonder if that’s really true. Taking the left hand wrapped around my stomach, I traced the smooth, rounded fingertips, done in a pale brown polish.
The first time I ever bothered to do my own nails, in preparation for tonight, I kept thinking, over and over, of Yui-san’s nails.
Since we started dating, Yui-san’s nails have stayed short, same as back in college. Back then, those nails had been kept smooth for the sake of any number of unspecified girls.
But now — Yui-san keeps them smooth only for my sake, always.
Filing my own nails, I remembered feeling something indescribable, caught somewhere between happiness and embarrassment, over that fact.
Not a single rough edge, so carefully maintained, these long fingers of yours — I love them. Unable to help it, I pressed a kiss to the fingers of that left hand, and Yui-san’s lips touched, gentle, against my neck.
“Kanata.”
Called by name, I turned just my face, and our lips met, gentle. The hand gripping mine, tight, felt hot. Pulling apart, heated eyes searched mine.
“Doing something like that… I can’t help but read it as an invitation. Is it okay, here?”
“Eh?”
Caught off guard by such a sudden question, I froze. I’d only been playing with her fingers.
“I didn’t mean it like that…”
The hand crawling along my thigh, I scrambled to stop. Yui-san’s brows drew together, tight, and she let out a small sigh.
“…Kanata. That habit of doing things like that without realizing it, seriously, please, do something about it. My restraint can’t take it.”
“I-is that my fault? You’re the one always thinking dirty thoughts, Yui-san.”
“Can’t be helped, though. I love you, so of course I’d want to. Don’t you feel the same, Kanata? Don’t you want to, with me?”
Looking straight into my eyes, saying that, my gaze went wandering, unbidden. Said that directly, I don’t know how to answer.
“That’s not it… but, not here, this isn’t right…”
My voice kept getting smaller and smaller. If I got swept along right here, my whole plan would fall apart.
Once we’re out of the bath, I’ve booked the bar. I’d planned on drinking there. Because I don’t think I could — push Yui-san down, without a little alcohol in me first.
Stammering, flustered, Yui-san’s black eyes studied me steady.
“Then… the bed’s okay?”
Her voice, gentle, coaxing, reached me. I ducked my head and nodded, small, and Yui-san laughed, soft.
“You’re so mean, Yui-san. Why are you laughing…”
Embarrassed, sulking, I said it, and Yui-san pulled my body into a tight embrace, facing me properly.
“Sorry, sorry. You’re just too precious for your own good. I’ll hold back properly, promise.”
Pressed close together, warm and comfortable, I closed my eyes. My heart stayed pounding, fast, the whole time.
Will I really be okay? Will I actually make it until tonight? My confidence suddenly wavered. Thinking that, I wrapped my own arms around her pale back too, and hugged her back, tight.