Episode 40: Something Bad
After skipping out on school, we walked a short distance and ended up at a burger place.
This is my first time ever coming somewhere like this with Maria, and honestly, Maria being in a place like this feels deeply strange.
We ordered just drinks and moved to the mostly-empty second floor seating. If anyone found out we were here during school hours, Maria’s parents might end up disliking me even more than they already do.
“…Riri, I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“…For being a burden.”
Looking down, Maria’s long lashes trembled. Her fists, clenched tight on her lap, were shaking slightly.
—I’d always thought of Maria as someone strong.
A perfect young lady who could do anything, someone shockingly attentive and caring, and I’d always just leaned on that without a second thought.
But maybe, really, she isn’t strong at all.
“…Be a burden. I’d be happy if it’s you, Maria.”
“Riri…”
“I mean, if it were anyone but me, I don’t think I’d like that either.”
I’m Maria’s childhood friend. So if Maria started acting like this with someone else, I’d probably feel uneasy about it, and if she only showed her weak side to someone else, I think that would make me sad too.
Thinking about it that way, maybe it’s only natural that Maria feels anxious.
Saying she wants to be independent, and then suddenly building a whole new community for herself — of course her childhood friend would feel unsettled by that.
“…Listen. I’m going to keep working at Sweet Stella, and I think I’m going to keep getting close with everyone there too.”
“…Yeah.”
“That part, I really can’t change. But it’s true that you matter to me, Maria. So… um…”
It’s a hard problem. There’s no way to remove the actual cause of Maria’s anxiety.
“…What do you want, Maria?”
In the end, without my thoughts ever really coming together, I ended up just throwing the question back at her.
“I want to stay with you forever, Riri. But… realistically, me working at ‘Sweet Stella’ or something like that just isn’t possible.”
“…Yeah.”
Maria’s too busy to have time for a part-time job, and her parents would never allow her to work at a maid café anyway.
More than anything, she’s just not the type who’d ever want to work somewhere like that in the first place.
“Honestly, I want to properly accept the places and people you love, Riri. But I keep getting so scared that you’re going to drift away from me, and that fear just takes over everything else.”
“…Yeah.”
“…I want you to let me believe it. That I’m still properly special to you.”
Sora-san’s face floated up in the corner of my mind.
Yesterday, I kissed Sora-san. Because she said she wanted “something special.”
Could it be that right now, I’m doing something really, really bad?
I swallowed hard. It felt like a line I shouldn’t cross was standing right in front of me, clear as day.
“…What would I have to do, for you to believe that, Maria?”
Another question slipped out of my mouth, probably because I was still leaning on Maria, the same as always.
Maria stood up and leaned in, whispering quietly by my ear.
“…Something you wouldn’t do with just a friend.”
My heart jumped hard in my chest. I couldn’t lift my face.
“Riri. Can you kiss me?”
I looked up. Maria’s eyes were wet.
We’re in a burger shop, and there are other people around. So Maria probably doesn’t actually intend to kiss me here.
Can I, or can’t I.
Given that choice, there was really only one answer for me.
“…I can.”
My voice shook — not from nerves, not from anxiety.
It shook from fear. Fear that I might already be doing something “bad.”