I open my eyes.
The wake-up is dreadful. Sleep-deprived, my vision is blurred and my head throbs terribly.
My thinking still sluggish, I lazily sit up and absentmindedly glance at my phone’s home screen.
The time is just before ten in the morning. The thirteenth of January. Sunday.

　School starts tomorrow.

My heart sinks.
A sigh escapes me.
Glancing around the dimly lit room, someone was watching me.

“Good morning, Mashiro.”

……….……Ah.

So dazzling, I couldn’t tell who it was.
Her smile seemed to glow. Seeing her look utterly happy right now made my head spin.

“……… Mm.”

I nodded and climbed out of bed.

“Fancy breakfast?”
“……… I suppose so.”

My throat was parched too.
Trying not to look directly at the dazzling figure, I opened the bedroom door.

Thump.

My heart leapt.
Haah, haah, haah. My breath grew shallow. My chest felt tight.
　Lately, even leaving my room has been agonising.
I was aware I was mentally unwell.

“Ugh.”

I feel sick.
Though I’m hungry, something rises up inside me.
I suppress it with my hand, endure it, and step out into the corridor.

Even knowing it’s wrong, I want to grab the scissors right now.
I want to take the scissors and cut out the pain building inside me.
But now I have a reason I can’t do it.
　My significant other accepted my self-harm. But my family, who matter deeply to me, would surely never tolerate it. They would worry about me, and their hearts would ache just as much as mine. I realised that yesterday.

The laundry stained with blood. And then, my daughter, whose behaviour had become blatantly strange.
Perhaps it was only natural for them to start suspecting.

Last night, my mother asked me just one thing: “Are you alright?”
　Her expression conveyed concern for my altered state, anxiety, and a palpable loneliness tinged with the unspoken plea for me to confide in her.

I hesitated.

I killed someone.

Wondering whether I should tell her, I ended up looking down and replying, “I’m fine.”

To my mother who worries about me. To my parent who cherishes me.
I lied.

”(………Ah, I wish I could die.)”

Descending the stairs, I contemplated “starting over”.
Opening the living room door, I contemplated “giving up” on life.
Standing in the kitchen, seeing Mum say “Good morning” with a smile, despite her concern for me, I felt immense “regret”.

Ah…

“Are you alright, Mashiro? If something’s wrong, don’t keep it bottled up. Talk to Mum and Dad properly.”
“………Yeah. Thanks. But I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I’m alright.”

As if trying to convince myself.
I spun the words slowly.
Who was I trying to convince? Myself.

◆

Haa! Haa! Haa!

The time was two o’clock.
　Outside was bright, yet the curtains remained drawn.
Amamiya Tōru’s lustful, feverish breaths shook my brain.

My head was foggy from lack of sleep.
My face was exhausted, dark circles under my eyes.

Yet I was naked, straddling her smooth, white belly as she lay on her back, equally naked.

As if to unleash my raw lust.
　With rough hands, I kneaded the twin peaks of her breasts.
Fingertips flicked their tips, pinched them.
As I toyed with her, watching Amamiya Tōru writhe, I surrendered myself solely to ‘arousal’, drowning in pleasure.

“Mashiro, I love you. I love youuu…”

Her whispered sweet words stirred my carnal desire without reserve.

“I… I love you too…”

I love you.

The words caught in my throat.
I bit my lower lip.
Wanting to convey the words that had failed to escape, I brushed her fringe down over her forehead.
Our eyes drew closer.
Lips met, tongues entwined. Saliva.

Suck. Bite gently. Suck again.

Things I dislike.
Things that hurt.
Regrets, the future, everything.

I want to paint it all over with pleasure.
I just keep seeking out Amamiya Tōru.

“Mashiro, it’s… intense.”

Her eyes, pregnant with heat, demand more and more of the act to continue, far more than her words suggest.

Come to think of it.

I recall as I shift my position.

　Back when I first became involved with Amamiya Tōru.
I used to fantasise about her panting heavily on my body, just like now.
About her, who was transparent. About her, expressionless and seemingly bored by everything.
I wanted to make her feel good, to drown her in pleasure until she begged me to stop. That’s what I used to think.

　But in reality, Amamiya Tōru, positioned directly beneath me, says this with a face utterly lost in pleasure:

“This time, I’ll make you gasp, Mashiro.”

I nodded at that suggestion.

“Then,―――”

I spread my legs and placed my hand on my own lower abdomen.

“Please, Amamiya-san. Make me feel so good I forget everything.”

　What I was doing. I almost looked down at our position from above.
No. It would only make me want to die again.
I mustn’t think about anything now.

Quickly.

Quickly.

Amamiya Tōru. The person I love.

Make me lose myself in you.

　◆

After our lovemaking, Amamiya Tōru and I lay side by side on the bed.
My expression seemed utterly lifeless. Though some emotion certainly stirred within me, I couldn’t bring it to the surface.

Still expressionless, I slowly rose and rummaged through my bag.

I’d remembered something.

I took my wallet from the bag.

“What is it, Mashiro?”

Amamiya Tōru looked at me curiously.
I asked her.

“How much is it?”
“Eh?”
“How much is the money for everything up until now?”

It was our agreement.
I’d completely forgotten, but just now, during our act, thoughts of when I first became involved with Amamiya Tōru surfaced, and I remembered the agreement too.

　I asked how much it would be, but in truth, my wallet only held two notes. Both were thousand-yen bills.

This probably won’t be enough.

What happens if I can’t pay?

……….

Well, if I can’t pay and Amamiya Tōru comes to dislike me…
Then that would be the time to die with dignity.

　As I pondered this, she said, “It’s alright now.”

“With my father gone, there’s no need to scramble for money anymore.”

But—

Amamiya Tōru continued.

“If the promise to pay the price still holds within our relationship… …this time, instead of money, I think I’ll have you pay with your body, Mashiro.”
“……?”

　I tilted my head.

“Fancy drowning again?”

Amamiya Tōru spread her arms wide.
The towel blanket covering her body fell away with a rustle.

Ah.

I understood.

Her proposal.
For someone like me, fallen into a death wish, it was an incredibly tempting offer.