Episode Forty-Five: Were You Actually Jealous, Even Back Then?
The next morning, heading into the living room, the empty can was exactly where I remembered, still sitting on the table, and the light remote Yui-san had tossed aside lay right where it landed under the sofa.
Confirmation, unmistakable, that last night hadn’t been a dream. A few cans of chu-hai, apparently, weren’t nearly strong enough to erase a memory that embarrassing.
The living room, morning light filtering soft through the lace curtains.
My clothes, scattered here and there across the sofa, looked so viscerally real that I couldn’t bring myself to look at Yui-san’s face for a good while.
*
A full month, already, since that unforgettable birthday.
*
The piercing holes, finally settled, and I threaded through them, for the first time, the earrings Yui-san had given me for my birthday. I’d gone straight to a clinic to get them pierced right after.
I hadn’t known it would take this long before I could wear fashion earrings, and genuinely regretted not getting them done sooner.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I felt, somehow, a little more grown-up.
A lovely little earring, gold-rimmed, shaped like a white clover.
The night of my birthday, after enjoying dinner at the hotel, I’d been taken, naturally, to the suite room, and this was what had been inside the box she handed me.
One glance told me it was something genuinely expensive. But more than that, the design itself caught me. So cute. Like something had struck straight through my heart. Close to love at first sight.
Which is exactly why this past month, since my birthday, had felt unbearably long.
Opening the box Yui-san gave me and just looking at it had become a daily habit. Because I’d been waiting, eagerly, for the day I could finally wear it.
I remembered Yui-san, holding my hand, smiling gently at me.
I’d thought this love was a swamp, a mire.
It’s true, lining up the bare facts, nothing’s actually changed from before. We’re still not a couple, and this relationship still doesn’t have a name.
Even so, something had genuinely shifted since that night.
Strange. Just because our bodies came together, it feels like our hearts connected too — maybe that’s just me getting carried away.
Once I’d finished getting ready, I headed to the living room and found Yui-san reading on the sofa.
“Hey, Yui-san, look, look.”
I peeked over the back of the sofa. Hearing my voice, she quickly slipped a bookmark into her book and looked up. I tucked my hair behind my ear to show off the earring and tilted my head.
“How is it? Does it suit me?”
“Ah, you can wear them starting today? Cute. Just like I thought, it suits you perfectly.”
Yui-san said it, smiling, happy. Caught up in that smile, I found myself smiling too. Her hand reached out, gently poking and playing with my ear, and it tickled.
“Doesn’t hurt anymore?”
I nodded, and Yui-san laughed and waved me over. I circled around the sofa and settled in beside her.
Even after we’d been physically intimate, Yui-san stayed exactly the same.
Just as gentle as always, genuinely nothing changed at all.
My ex, back then, had turned abruptly high-handed the moment things became physical… so I’m a little relieved, at least, that I wasn’t just being played with.
“You’re this cute, I don’t think I want to let you leave the house anymore…”
Staring straight at me, earrings and all, Yui-san let out a deep sigh.
Tonight, I’d been invited to a mixer with people from the same faculty, along with Ritsu-san and Yuuri. My first “drinking party” now that I can actually drink. Half nervous, half excited.
As for Yui-san, her usual monthly dinner happened to fall on the same night, so she couldn’t come.
“…Don’t drink too much, okay? Kanata, you’re weak to pushing, so I’m genuinely worried.”
Ever since it was decided I’d go, Yui-san’s been like this the whole time. Of course I’m happy she worries about me.
But over this past month since my birthday, Yui-san and I have been practicing, drinking a little together most nights, getting me used to alcohol. So I should be fine — I don’t think I’ll embarrass myself.
“I’ll be fine. Ritsu-san and Yuuri will both be there…”
“But there’ll be plenty of other people too. If someone tries to pick you up, don’t ever go along with it, okay? And don’t exchange contact info either. There are plenty of bad people out there.”
Yui-san said it, brows drawn together, thoroughly displeased, and I couldn’t help laughing.
“You were exactly that ‘bad person’ yourself, not that long ago. Who are you to talk?”
Not a line that suits Yui-san at all, the playgirl who’s taken home countless women from parties like this. The moment I pointed that out, Yui-san, annoyed, suddenly looped an arm around my waist and pulled me close.
“Wa— !”
Thrown off balance by the sudden move. Then, bitten lightly on the collarbone, I flinched back, startled. I could feel a fierce, unmistakable will, radiating from that arm around my waist — I’m not letting you go.
Sucked hard where her lips had pressed, I felt that familiar sharp little sting I’d already experienced a few times before.
“Wa— wait, Yui-san…!”
I pressed a hand to her shoulder and pushed, hard, and, easily, our bodies came apart. Lifting her head, Yui-san smiled, satisfied, having accomplished her goal.
“Geez, why somewhere so visible…!”
It’s not that I hate having marks left on me. Somewhere clothes can hide, I don’t mind at all — she can do as she likes.
But having one placed somewhere this visible to other people is a different story. It’s exactly on that razor’s edge between hidden and exposed by my clothes, which makes it genuinely bad of her.
Getting caught and questioned about it is embarrassing, and honestly, there’s no good way to explain it anyway.
“Bug repellent. So no weird bugs land on you.”
Saying that, Yui-san gently pressed her wrist against my neck. The sweet scent of her perfume.
Ah, right — this happened once before too, I remembered. When I went to the zoo with Hayakawa-kun to see the pandas. Before I left, Yui-san had put perfume on me, just like this.
Back then, I had no idea at all what Yui-san had been thinking. But now, I feel like I understand, just a little. Right — even back then, Yui-san had been—
“Were you actually jealous, even back then?”
“Eh?”
Yui-san’s eyes went round, blank. Her expression made it clear she had no idea what I meant, and it struck me as funny enough that I laughed.
“Heh, if you don’t remember, never mind.”
“Kanata, what are you even talking about?”
“Nothing, really. Just thinking, looking back, you never said it out loud, but it showed up in what you did, more than I realized at the time. That’s all.”
“Eeh…?”
With no memory of it at all, apparently, Yui-san sat there, head tilted, puzzled, and I stood, saying it was about time to go. It felt, somehow, like our roles from before had flipped.
Before, I was always the one silently seeing Yui-san off on her nights out. Now it’s the opposite. Turning twenty really is something, I thought — felt like I’d suddenly grown up.
“…Please, really, be careful.”
“I will. You be careful too, Yui-san. Alright, I’m heading out.”
She walked me to the entryway and kissed me, see you later, and I left the house in some floaty, unmoored kind of mood.
Feeling the faintly cool evening breeze, I gently touched the earring at my ear. Starting with the necklace, one by one, marks of hers keep accumulating on my body like this. It made me happy, genuinely, and fond.
College life is long. Even if I can’t be Yui-san’s girlfriend yet, someday, I’ll make her say she wants me to be. Because the distance between us is surely closing, bit by bit, with certainty.
Every year I add, like this, one more thing I’m able to do gets added too. If I can grow up too, someday graduate from being someone who only ever receives.
I found myself thinking — maybe I could become a support for you, someone so bad at being spoiled yourself.