Episode 31: There’s No Way I’d Ever Like a Girl Like That

The sound of a mechanical pencil scratching echoed through my room. Glancing at the clock, it was nearly midnight.

I’d finished my bath, shut myself in my room, and sat down at my desk at nine. Three hours had passed already.

My gaze drifted to the smartphone left on the desk. The display read ‘Kase Mitsuki’. From the phone, which was still connected, came the constant sound of a mechanical pencil running across a notebook.

Just how late does Mitsuki plan to study?

It had been Mitsuki who suggested studying while keeping the call connected.
We weren’t really talking about anything in particular, nor could we see each other, but just sharing the sounds made it feel like we were studying together, and that helped me push on.
　Just knowing Mitsuki was working hard on the other end of the phone suddenly fired me up.

To loosen my stiff body, I stretched my arms up towards the ceiling with a big ‘stretch’. The chair creaked in protest, and the sound of the mechanical pencil on the speaker abruptly stopped.

“…Nana?”

“Ah, sorry for interrupting, Mitsuki. Was I noisy?”

‘Nah. Ah… it’s already midnight, isn’t it? We should probably get some sleep. School again tomorrow, after all.’

“Yeah, you should go to bed already, Mitsuki. I’ll study a bit more before turning in.”

‘Eh? Why? Aren’t you sleepy, Nana?’

“I am sleepy, but I feel uneasy if I don’t study a bit more… I’ll apologise in advance, though – sorry if I fail, Mitsuki.”

‘Don’t think about failing! Let’s both do our best. It’ll be alright.’

“Yeah…”

Mitsuki would be disappointed if I failed. She might be let down.
Haa, I don’t want that. I absolutely can’t fail. I grip my mechanical pencil tightly.

‘…Hey, Nana. Can we switch to a video call before you sleep? I want to see your face.’

“Video call? Yeah, sure.”

My cheeks softened at Mitsuki’s cheerful voice as I reached for my phone and tapped the video call button.
The screen switched instantly, revealing Mitsuki in her loungewear.
The moment she saw me, Mitsuki broke into a bright smile and waved her hands vigorously.

‘Nana!’

　She looked utterly adorable in her fluffy grey cardigan over a simple T-shirt. The ponytail suited her perfectly.
Mmm, brilliant…! So glad I got to see Mitsuki’s face before bed.
Beaming with affection, I waved back at the screen.

“Mitsuki, well done with your studies. Mum’s taking the night off work from today, right? Get some proper rest.”

“Yeah, you too, Nana. Don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”

“I know, I’m fine.”

“Goodnight, Nana. See you tomorrow. Bye-bye”

“Yeah, goodnight, Mitsuki. Bye-bye”

I know I’m being a total softie, but I just can’t help it.

We haven’t said it out loud, but doesn’t this mean we’re already dating…?　I found myself getting carried away with such thoughts.

After hanging up, I collapsed face-down on my desk, pressed my palm against my sweetly tingling heart, and let out a deep sigh.

“Ah, what am I to do… Mitsuki, you’re cute… so incredibly cute~…”

My feet fluttered restlessly under the desk.

I really am simple-minded. I should only be able to think of negative things, yet now I’m imagining a future walking hand-in-hand with Mitsuki across campus.

Or rather… perhaps it’s more accurate to say I’m pushing those negative thoughts to the back of my mind, trying my hardest not to dwell on them.

Right now, I’m just drifting in a lukewarm dream. I’m constantly averting my eyes from the cruel future closing in. I’m simply prioritising immediate happiness and desire.

But just because we know people die someday, that doesn’t mean anyone spends their healthy years whimpering and crying in fear of death, does it?

I want to believe it’s the same thing.
Even if the day comes when we’re separated, surely that’s no reason to let go of our happiness now?

No matter how much I try to twist logic, I’m just being played exactly as Mitsuki intended. Fine then, let it be whatever it will.
　Ah, if only these blissful days could just keep going on like this.
Even after uni, even after I start working, forever and ever, until I die.
If only these happy days spent with Mitsuki could just go on and on.

There’s one thing I must do to bring this wish – one that might never come true – even a little closer to reality.

“…Haaah, alright! One more hour of studying.”

Anyway, right now I just have to knuckle down for the entrance exams.
　I gave my cheeks a sharp pinch with both hands and turned back to my desk.

＊＊＊

Listen, I know it’s a bit late to say this, but isn’t it a bit odd having optional attendance after the common entrance exams? They should’ve made it optional before the tests. If I mess up here, all my entrance exam plans will go haywire.

The classroom, where absences were starting to creep up as everyone focused on the exams, was shrouded in a tense atmosphere.

　Honestly, I’m only coming to school to see Mitsuki’s face. If Mitsuki wasn’t here, I’d definitely be skiving off and studying at home.

“…Nana, can I have a word?”

I was sitting at my desk thinking about this when I suddenly heard my name. Looking up, I found Maki standing before me, glaring at me with an unusually serious expression.

A sharp, piercing gaze. Intimidating, or rather, formidable.
Her brow was deeply furrowed, and I gulped.

“Eh? Did I do something to you, Maki? What’s with that face? You look ready to give me hell. Scary!”

Perhaps unable to bear the stifling atmosphere in the classroom, the girls who already had their future paths decided were naturally pushed out into the corridor during breaks, so as not to disturb the students still preparing for entrance exams.

　Maki, who was set to attend a beauty college, was no exception. Before I knew it, perhaps out of consideration for me, she’d naturally started hanging out with the group whose futures were already decided.
That didn’t mean Maki and I weren’t friends anymore, though. I understood that keeping her distance was Maki’s clumsy way of being kind.
So, seeing Maki’s eyes red and her grip tightening on my arm, I realised something was seriously wrong.

“We can’t talk here. Come on.”

Reluctantly, I stood up and let her pull me along the corridor.

“What’s wrong? Why the scary face?”

“Just shut up and follow me. It’s something I can’t have anyone else hearing!”

Oh dear… What could it be?

　Staring blankly at Maki’s swaying short skirt, I pondered what this “can’t be done here” business might be.

Surely she’s not going to say she’s pregnant?
Even I’m stretched thin enough with exam prep and looking after Tasuku – taking on Maki’s child too would be a bit much, to say the least.

　While I was pondering this, Maki climbed the stairs and stopped on the landing in front of the rooftop door.
I’d been a bit worried she was heading up to the roof in the middle of winter with snow flurrying down, so this relieved me slightly.

After carefully checking no one was following us, Maki cleared her throat once and turned to face me.
The twin-tailed ponytails, neatly secured by her cape, swayed softly.

“…Listen, is it alright if I ask something really awkward?”

“Hmm?”

Maki sighed deeply and placed her hands on her hips. Her stern expression remained unchanged.

“Nana, is it true you’re seeing Kase-san?”

“Eh…?”

The words that came flying from beyond my wildest imagination left me speechless.

“You exam-focused lot might be too busy studying to know, but word’s out that Nana and Kase-san were spotted walking hand-in-hand, all lovey-dovey, on Christmas. It’s such an unexpected pairing, everyone’s shocked… Well, I reckon they’re just half-believing it, half-amused, spreading the rumour for kicks… But somehow, personally, it kind of makes sense to me… Maybe Nana really was like that, you know? Not that it matters, really. I mean, that sort of thing… Er, I don’t mean to imply anything…”

Hang on. Maki, what did you just say?

Perhaps because it was difficult to say, Maki, who usually spoke more sparingly, was darting her gaze around.

　Rumours are going around that Mitsuki and I are dating…?

It hit me like a sudden, unexpected punch to the face.
I felt like I wasn’t standing properly on my own two feet. The floor seemed to be wobbling and undulating beneath me.

As I froze, Maki just continued quietly.

“…It’s fine. If Nana likes someone, it doesn’t matter who they’re dating. But, you know, I heard Kase-san has a boyfriend she’s been with since middle school. Did you know that, Nana? Kase-san’s friend from our second-year class said so, so it must be true. So, that… she might be… two-timing you?”

A boyfriend she’s been with since middle school…?

Two-timing…?

The image of that spiky-haired, former delinquent boy’s sun-like, innocent yet infuriating smile flashed through my mind for an instant.

　—Yamato. It’s Yamato.

Does that mean they haven’t broken up?
Does that mean they’re still together…?

I forced myself to suppress the grimace threatening to twist my features, pulling my mouth corners up into a strained smile as questions fired off in rapid succession inside my head.

I must deny it.
No. I absolutely cannot let Maki know I like girls.
　Laugh it off like it’s no big deal.
You can do it, Nana, you can manage it. You’ve been faking it all this time. Smile!

My heartbeat quickened, my breath grew shallow, my knees trembled violently. Please, please don’t let Maki notice. I prayed to the eight million gods.

“Hold on. That’s impossible, we’re not dating. Christmas Day? You must have seen wrong… Besides, me and Kase-san are both girls, we’ve got no connection whatsoever.”

“You don’t need to hide it now. We’re close, you and I… Remember when Kase-san suddenly interrupted our conversation before? I thought it was weird, but now I get it. I’m really sorry about that time… Honestly, I thought about keeping quiet!? But when I heard Nana was being cheated on… as a friend, I couldn’t just stay silent…!”

“Maki, you’re misunderstanding. I’m not hiding anything. We’re not dating… really. There’s no way I’d fall for a girl…”

I could feel my voice shaking.
No, don’t get flustered.
　Calm down, calm down. What should I do? But what else can I possibly say?

The harder I tried to calm down, the more terrible thoughts took over my mind. I couldn’t stay composed.

Hey, Mitsuki. What do you mean, boyfriend?
I hadn’t noticed at all. Does that mean you’re still seeing Yamato?

No, but surely not. They must have broken up. There was absolutely no sign they were still together.
　Couldn’t it just be that Mitsuki’s friend is mistaken, thinking they’re still together?

No… but really, is that it? It’s not just that I want to believe that…?

For someone like Mitsuki, hiding the fact she’s dating Yamato from me would be easy, wouldn’t it?

I don’t understand. I don’t understand Mitsuki at all.
I want to believe, but I can’t bring myself to fully trust her. I hate this weak version of myself.

“…Nana, are you alright? You’re as white as a sheet.”

Maki’s warm palm touches my shoulder.

“Eh, um…”

Suddenly, I feel suffocated.
My heart is pounding like I’ve never felt before.
　What is this feeling? My ears are ringing sharply, and I’m dizzy as hell.

“Nana…? What’s wrong?”

It hurts. I can’t breathe. I’m trying to inhale, but no air’s getting into my lungs.
It’s like being suddenly pushed underwater. Stars are dancing before my eyes, and my limbs are going numb.

“S-sorry, I don’t know… maybe it’s anaemia…”

Unable to stand, I collapsed to my knees on the floor. Maki hurriedly peered at my face and stroked my back.

“Nana, hey, are you alright? Can’t… stand? Anaemia? I’ll go get the teacher, just wait here!”

Maki’s voice grew distant.
　Oh, am I going to die like this?

Unable to call out to Maki’s frantically scrambling back as she rushed down the stairs, I remained seated, left behind. My legs held no strength, nor did I have the will to stand.

Tears overflowed, completely obscuring my vision, and I crumbled, falling onto the grey floor.