Episode 34: Goodbye, Mitsuki

At times like this, I’m painfully reminded how tightly bound the mind and body truly are.

I’d gritted my teeth through a long week, and finally Friday was over. I wanted to praise myself for attending school without missing a single day. My body felt heavy. Moving even a single finger felt like an enormous effort…
　Thanks to maintaining a perfectly normal facade at school, and the fact that Mitsuki and I had never had any contact to begin with, the rumours seemed to be dying down without spreading further.

The moment I got home, I retreated straight to my room and flung myself onto the bed.

“…I should study… There’s no time left…”

Study? What for? Why was I pushing myself so hard again…?

I pressed my face into the duvet, trying to shake off the voices flickering through my mind.

Going to university in the first place… Any place would have been fine, as long as I got in. After all, my original goal was just to get to Tokyo.
　I changed my target university to be near Mitsuki. To a local university that would be tough to get into without pushing myself a bit.

But now…

“No good. I just can’t bring myself to study at all…”

I said I’d contact her after cooling off, but the more time passed and the calmer I became, the more I could feel a deep chill settling in my heart.

I have to ask Mitsuki. Is she still seeing Yamato?
　Without knowing the truth, I doubt I’ll be able to study properly. The common entrance exam is already next week. I can’t go on like this.

It felt like the reality I’d been avoiding was being thrust right in my face.
Staying by Mitsuki’s side meant that until this relationship ended, I’d have to constantly fear the shadow of any man who approached her, always doubting…

“Mitsuki… you’re waiting for my call, aren’t you…”

Recalling Mitsuki in the infirmary, her face on the verge of tears, made my chest ache as if it would split open.

Forget about me. First, I have to apologise to Mitsuki for being cold to her when she came to check on me…
She can’t concentrate on her studies like this either. Running away won’t help. My head has cooled down more than enough now. I think I’ve calmed down.

　I fumbled for the mobile phone I’d flung onto the bed and grabbed it.
I tried to call Mitsuki from the call history, then stopped. I glanced at the clock. There was still time. We lived within walking distance of each other. If I was going to apologise, I should do it face-to-face.
I tensed my arms and pried my body off the bed.

Please let all my worries be nothing but unfounded fears.

　After calling out to Mum, who was making dinner in the kitchen, I slipped back into the brown loafers I’d left discarded by the front door when I came home earlier. Then I dashed out the door.

　Hey, Mitsuki. I can’t get blisters anymore. It was really tough waiting for the wound on my heel to heal after that, but I never once crushed the heel of these loafers. Now, nearly three years later, these shoes have properly moulded to my feet. But… it won’t be long before I have to say goodbye to them too.

　Because you said they were cute that day, I’ve worn these loafers carefully, ever so carefully, all this time.
You might have forgotten, but for me, they were an irreplaceable, precious memory.

　From that day until now, I’ve liked Mitsuki, liked her, liked her, liked her, just liked her, purely and simply.

Gradually the sun set, and outside grew dim.
My heart began to race, and I naturally broke into a light jog. I wanted to see Mitsuki soon. To meet her and talk properly. I wanted her to laugh and reassure me, saying something like, “That’s impossible, you know.”
I dashed along the familiar path to Mitsuki’s house.

By the time I rounded the final corner to Mitsuki’s house, I was completely out of breath.
Mitsuki’s apartment building came into view. Cream-coloured exterior walls. In front of Mitsuki’s door. There stood… two figures.

“Yamato, sorry. Thanks for today. Take care getting home.”

“Oh, right then, see you later.”

At the doorway, Mitsuki was smiling as she hugged Tasuku. Yamato, stepping out from Mitsuki’s place, clicked his heels together as he put on his shoes, returning a carefree grin.

I froze where I stood, somehow unable to believe the scene before me, just staring blankly at the two of them.

My vision slowly blurred, tears welling up. They trickled down my cheeks.
　Unable to accept the reality before me, I thought to myself, almost as if it were someone else’s story, that I’d been crying constantly lately.

Watching the two of them laugh so affectionately together, I heard a crack as my heart snapped in two.

As I stood frozen, Mitsuki suddenly glanced my way without thinking, and our eyes met with a sharp clash. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she called my name.

“Nana…?”

Unable to bear it, I spun on my heel and ran. I heard her calling after me, but I ignored it and kept running.

“Yamato! Sorry, please look after Tasuku!! Wait, Nana… wait!!”

“Eh!? Wait, Mitsuki!? Seriously?!”

I ran with all my might, trying to outrun their voices. But perhaps because I’d been running all the way here, my legs felt heavy as if filled with lead, refusing to move forward.

Oh dear, if only this were a dream.
Then I could have pretended it never happened when I woke up, and perhaps still been by Mitsuki’s side. If only I could have stayed ignorant.

But sadly, I’ve awakened from this lukewarm dream and returned to reality.
I can no longer be by Mitsuki’s side. Because I realised.
Whether the thing with Yamato was a lie or the truth, if I couldn’t believe in Mitsuki, then what the truth was held no meaning whatsoever.
If I kept strangling myself, the suffering would haunt me forever. Because I can’t escape myself.

I love Mitsuki so much it hurts. Even if it wasn’t Yamato, rather than risk someone taking her away like this someday, I’d rather let go myself. I couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Nana, wait, Nana!!!”

The voice drew nearer, closing in right behind me, when a hot palm seized my arm with a sharp tug. Unable to shake off Mitsuki’s grip, I halted, my legs giving way.

“N-Nana… you run fast… phew…”

　Mizuki said, panting heavily. Even in this situation, I desperately didn’t want Mitsuki to see me looking so pathetic, so I frantically wiped my tears with my sleeve, but they wouldn’t stop.

“Nana, what’s wrong? Why are you crying…? Did something happen…?”

Mitsuki peered at my face with concern.

Did something happen, you say?
　There was. More than enough had happened.

You’d been meeting Yamato behind my back. That fact alone was a blow heavy enough to completely knock me out and leave me sunk in the ring. I couldn’t get up anymore.
But Mitsuki showed no sign of remorse whatsoever, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
How awful, Mitsuki. Really… you’re a proper villainess.

“…Maki said. That you’d had a boyfriend since middle school. That’s him, Yamato-kun, isn’t it? …You two never actually broke up.”

“H-hold on, Nana, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not dating Yamato or anything…”

“Then why were you together just now? What were you two doing at home? Tell me.”

“We weren’t doing anything! Of course we weren’t! Yamato’s just a friend!”

“We’re friends, aren’t we? But we did it. Something friends absolutely never do.”

Mitsuki gasped, her words catching in her throat.
See? “Friends” is no excuse.

“Nana… are you serious? That I’m dating Yamato? That I was deceiving you… do you really believe that…?”

Mitsuki’s voice trembled. I clenched my fists tightly.
I couldn’t take it anymore. If staying together meant hurting Mitsuki any further, I wanted to run away right then and there.

“…I’ve decided. I’m going to university in Tokyo after all.”

“Wait, Nana, please, just listen to me properly. We promised to apply to the same university! No, I don’t want that. Don’t misunderstand. Believe me…!”

“How am I supposed to believe you? If you want to be with me that badly, then come to Tokyo, Mitsuki! Prove you really like me. Otherwise, I can’t believe anything anymore!”

“But…”

“You can’t, can you? Your ‘liking’ me is only that shallow, after all.”

Emotions burst forth like a dam had broken. Words accusing Mitsuki poured out relentlessly.

　I knew. I knew that even if I made such an outrageous demand as “Come to Tokyo,” Mitsuki could never possibly come. She couldn’t abandon Tasuku to come here. She wouldn’t have the money for it anyway.
I didn’t want her to weigh up whether Tasuku or I was more important.
I only said it because I knew it was the only way to silence Mitsuki. I didn’t say it thinking she’d actually come.

“…I knew all along that Mitsuki could never feel the same way I do. Because in the end, she always ends up going for the boy, doesn’t she? Unlike me, Mitsuki doesn’t like girls. Mitsuki doesn’t understand anything. It’s Mitsuki who won’t stay by my side forever… It’d be the same if I stayed back home. Sooner or later, it’d just end up…”

Mitsuki would abandon me.

　That one line alone felt like something I shouldn’t say… I forced myself to swallow it back.
Grabbing the hand that was clutching my arm, I gently pried it away. That hand was trembling pitifully.

“…Go back now. Yamato-kun and Tasuku are waiting. …Bye, Mitsuki. This is the end of it all.”

“Wait… Nana… Don’t go, please, Nana…!”

As if shaking off Mitsuki’s anguished voice, I left her behind and ran away as if fleeing.

I didn’t look back.
I knew Mitsuki couldn’t leave Tasuku behind to chase after me any further.