“A Clod of Earth Knows the Snow”
Even though I said I didn’t want to, they made me wear the gym uniform, and the other kids in the class stared at me like I was some kind of freak.
The homeroom teacher simply pretended not to see the brand-new marks on my body. It was all a normal reaction, but if that was how they were going to be, I wished they hadn’t bothered with half-hearted coercion and just ignored me completely. After leaving the classroom, I didn’t join the line of other kids; I kicked the wall of the hallway and walked out of the school building.
Hoping to somehow turn my back on the commotion of Sports Day before the parents noticed me, I headed toward the back of the school building. I remembered my older sister mentioning how modern sports days now wrap up by noon. Of course, I don’t have a family, so nobody was coming to watch me.
Our elementary school is wastefully large. The majestic front gate is grand, and since it reminds me of my own house, I’ve always hated it. There’s a mountain nearby, and even in the lingering summer heat, a breeze blows down from it. With so much nature around, there were plenty of places for me to blend into the background.
I headed behind the school building and tucked myself away among the trees. A short distance away was a garden tended by the students, and I waited for time to pass while staring blankly at the crops growing there with their heads held high. The breeze visiting the shade of the trees was gentle and felt pleasant, almost a little chilly. I had barely slept the night before, so my consciousness began to drift into a hazy blur almost immediately. My head tilted, and amidst a few self-doubts, I closed my eyelids.
The only thing I have ever decided for myself is to learn how to live from Shiho-nee-san.
Everything else has simply been being tossed around by the things that were there the moment I was born. It hasn’t been easy at all; every day has been a series of days filled with chafing pain and the agony of too much time. A single day is simply, relentlessly long. I didn’t have the power to break that tedious hourglass.
And even when tomorrow begins, there will be no clearing in the clouds.
In this case, what is wrong with me? Will someone get mad at me?
Thinking about things like that, I slept for a while. When I woke up, I would have preferred it if even night had fallen, but the lively voices could still be heard from the schoolyard. The injuries inflicted yesterday throbbed with heat, mischievously plucking at my consciousness to startle me.
My throat grew thirsty along the way, so I went out to the outdoor water fountain just to drink some water, making sure not to be seen by anyone else. I had never once thought about whether it was suitable for drinking. Any water would do, as long as I drank it, at least my throat would be quenched.
I glanced briefly at the spacious schoolyard from between the school buildings, watching the children and parents lined up like a built wall from afar. I didn’t feel envious. That was because I had the realistic sense that, even though I didn’t fit in at home, I couldn’t possibly melt into that kind of ordinary scenery either. Both adults and children had headbands tied around their foreheads, shaking the air with cheers like summer cicadas.
Turning my back on that gathering, I returned to the spot from before and closed my eyes to sleep again. No comforting time would await me at home today anyway. Just going to sleep is a chore, and Shiho-nee-san, who is with me, won’t help either.
I rested my head against a tree trunk and thought to myself how nice it would be if I could just become a part of the tree.
Spending time like that, the same old Sports Day as every year was drawing to a close.
However.
To a place where nobody was supposed to come, that person appeared.
“What’s wrong?”
An unfamiliar adult had found me and called out.
Waking from my doze, my eyelids softly pushed open a dream.
She must have been someone’s mother… a long-haired, black-haired… beautiful person. A slightly stern gaze peered into my condition. An aura of composure permeated her everywhere, yet she wore a blue headband, as if she had properly adapted to the Sports Day. Since those are handed out by grade level, seeing that color led me to deduce that she had a child in the same grade as me.
Pulling my cap down deep and looking down, I instinctively covered my eyes. If she saw them, I figured she’d look at me with disgust.
These eyes are the Chitaira’s eyes. A pair of uncanny monsters that bring me nothing but hostility and harm.
“…Why are you in a place like this…”
My throat, pointlessly crushed yesterday, hindered me from speaking.
“Well, I thought I’d borrow the restroom and… looks like I made a bit of a mistake.”
Ashamed of what was more of a grand blunder than a “bit,” the person looked away.
“This school is just too huge.”
More importantly, what’s wrong? she asked, bending down a little to look at me. Did she think I was feeling unwell? In truth, my physical condition was terrible. I couldn’t tell if my stomach hurting constantly was due to stress or injury.
“I’m… bad with Sports Days.”
I muttered the reason I was skipping.
“You’re not participating just because you’re bad at them?”
“Is that bad?”
“I think it’s not good.”
She was someone who spoke her mind clearly. Was she what you’d call a decent adult?
She was the first person to stick around with an attitude that wasn’t indifferent, as if to say, Isn’t it fine, whatever?, and it troubled me.
“Do your parents say it’s okay for you to do that?”
“…I don’t have any.”
I’ve never once thought about which one was my father or which one was my mother. I’ve never even been told.
“Ah… I see. I’m sorry.”
She seemed to interpret it literally, and her voice held pity. Then, she dropped to one knee on the ground to bring her eyes level with mine. Once she did that, I couldn’t hide my eyes anymore, and they were exposed to her gaze.
She gasped for a moment, and I imagined she would walk away right then and there.
However.
“You must have a hard time.”
It wasn’t the reaction I had anticipated. Could it be that she didn’t know the family with these eyes?
If she didn’t know, I hoped she would leave me alone on that account.
“When I’m with everyone… they say my eyes are weird.”
In reality, the distance between me and the other kids was created for a completely different reason, but since this person didn’t seem to make that connection even upon seeing my eyes, I bluffed casually.
She closed her eyes for a moment, touching her hair as she fell into thought.
“Is there any event you’d like to try?”
“Eh?”
“We don’t have much time, so I can only join you for one.”
At first, I didn’t quite understand what she was starting to say. Confused, my eyes met hers. Unlike mine, however, in those eyes where the alien could not be seen, I saw an unfamiliar emotion. There was a hint of sympathy and empathy in them, and I wondered what on earth she was looking at in me.
Ordinarily, I would have stood up and said I didn’t care.
I might have ignored her, kept my lips tightly sealed, and stared at the ground.
Yet, that person’s kindness felt fresh. My battered heart was naturally drawn to it for healing.
Above all, looking up at this person made the depths of my chest flutter.
It was a fluttering of the heart completely different from the tremors I felt when visited by fear and violence, a tickle in my soul.
Even though Shiho-nee-san had taught me the name of this budding feeling, I couldn’t quite remember it.
“In that case… let’s race together.”
Well, since there were no tools or anything else, there weren’t any other competitions we could do.
The person smiled slightly, took my hand, and pulled me to my feet. Then she drew a line on the side with her toes to create a starting point. Lined up beside her, we exchanged a glance and burst into a sprint together.
A headwind was blowing right against us, making my limbs quite heavy. My shoulders, pushed by the wind, felt as though they were about to be dragged straight backward. In truth, I had almost no experience running.
After all, running away inside the house is pointless.
That person didn’t leave me behind; she ran right alongside me the entire time.
Even though there were adults who chased after me, this was the first time an adult ran side by side with me.
I kept looking up at that adult, that beautiful person, running out of breath, until I forgot how to breathe.
I was spellbound… Yes, I think I was completely spellbound.
Her face, her hair, everything I looked up at set my entire body into motion.
To put it plainly, at that moment, I learned what “beauty” was from this person.
I understood my own preferences, as if peering into a mirror.
Her eyes, looking back at me, were narrowed as if she had found someone deep inside me.
Finishing the race, the person lightly tapped my shoulder to encourage me.
“Do your best. But even if you get mad, it’s better not to use your hands, you know.”
With her breathing slightly ragged, she walked away at a brisk pace.
She was probably running back to her family.
“…Ah, is the restroom before that…?”
The kindness and thoughtfulness of the person who ran a race with me.
Those things moistened my cheeks, too.
But even more than that, my field of vision replayed the sight of her unguarded, swaying chest over and over again.
A massive emotion and desire, one that irresistibly drew me in, scattering and taking up residence at the very center of my heart.
An abnormality in my chest that hurt, yet made me want to hold her close.
The mountain breeze continued to push at my back as if to blow me away.
“Ah…”
I finally understood the true nature of these feelings.
This was what Shiho-nee-san had taught me.
Forgetting the pain in my stomach, unable to stay still a moment longer, I started running once more.
Having run too far, I dashed right through the school’s front gate, leaving all my belongings abandoned in the classroom.
Returning home, still out of breath, I leaned forward with my hands on my knees.
I reported it to the person who raised me.
My destiny. The meaning of these eyes.
“Shiho-nee-san.”
“Hmm?”
“I found her. A hot lady.”
I am Chitaira Kai!
Just your average middle school girl who desperately wants to get involved with a married woman!