Episode 19: To Nana

From that night onward, we hadn’t exchanged a single word — before I knew it, a whole month had passed.

To be precise, I hadn’t replied to Mizuki’s message, and then no further messages arrived, leaving us drifting apart.

My correspondence with Mizuki ended with the message she sent the day after that night: “Sorry about yesterday. I’d like to talk again sometime.”

　It wasn’t that I wanted to ignore her. But I didn’t know how to reply, and while I hesitated, time passed. Before I knew it, I’d completely missed the chance to respond.
Ever since that day, I’ve been re-reading that frozen message every night, agonising over it.

It’s precisely because I understand the gravity of what I did that my cowardice has left me utterly paralysed, as if my feet were stuck in mud.

　Mizuki has no friends, so she barely speaks at school either. That’s why days go by without me even hearing her voice.

I thought my life would be over if anyone found out I liked women.
I imagined people pointing fingers at me, laughing behind my back, throwing stones.

But in reality, nothing changed. I still go to school every day.

　Seeing that it hadn’t even become a rumour, it seemed Mizuki hadn’t told anyone my secret.
But somehow, I’d always thought Mizuki would keep it to herself, so I wasn’t that anxious.

During breaks between lessons, while many students spread out their reference books, Mizuki alone would always just quietly fall asleep.

Without Mizuki beside me, time flows by as if fast-forwarded.
　I remained an empty shell, going through the motions of daily life while my heart was still left behind on that day.
I couldn’t even recall how I’d lived before becoming close with Mizuki.

Looking at the midterm results posted in the corridor, Mizuki’s name appeared two grades below mine. She still didn’t seem fully back to her best, but her grades had improved somewhat.

　Mizuki must still be planning to go to the local university. The one my brother attends and my father works at is close to home and would suit her perfectly.

I don’t know if she’s cutting back on sleep to study, or if Tasuku has started sleeping longer in one go, freeing up time for her studies. We haven’t spoken, so it’s all just my imagination.

Our relationship has simply reverted to how it was before.
　Even in our first and second years of high school, Mitsuki and I weren’t close. We barely exchanged greetings when we passed each other.
It was a one-sided infatuation. It should have ended as a beautiful memory, but I became greedy.
Because I wanted her by my side, I destroyed it myself.

Mitsuki isn’t at fault.
It was only natural that Mitsuki, exhausted by daily life, would cling to me for help.

　If you aren’t prepared to take responsibility and see it through to the end, you shouldn’t casually offer a helping hand.
I shouldn’t have been so childish as to not realise that pulling your hand away midway is far crueller.

Suppose I had agreed to Mizuki’s request and stayed in this town instead of going to university in Tokyo.
I could… have done whatever I wanted with Mizuki.

　Hold her whenever I wanted to hold her, kiss her whenever I wanted to kiss her — take her whenever I wanted to take her.

Just the thought made me feel dizzy.
The nausea at imagining myself drowning in pure desire day after day made me feel slightly queasy.

There’s no such thing as unconditional love. Mizuki might be right about that.
But I didn’t just want Mizuki’s body.

Those frightened eyes.
Just remembering them makes my heart feel like it’s being torn apart, it’s unbearably painful.
To make the girl I like look like that… it really makes me think my feelings for Mizuki must be wrong.

She must have seen through my tainted desires.
Once she sets her sights on something, she skips everything else and takes the shortest route – it’s rational and typical of Mizuki, I suppose, but she’s a bit too decisive…

　If I keep doing nothing, I’ll surely finish high school without ever exchanging a word with Mizuki again.
If it’s going to end anyway, I wanted it to end as a beautiful memory.

Where did I go wrong? I ponder this with my eyes closed before sleep.
Whenever I do, I invariably have the same dream.

　The dream of that rainy day.
At the crossroads, Mizuki holds an umbrella and cradles Tasuku, waiting for the pedestrian signal to turn green.
I stand frozen on the opposite side, hesitating whether to call out to her.
If I don’t grab Mizuki’s arm here, we’ll spend the rest of our time until graduation not even as friends. My one-sided crush will remain just that, and I’ll quietly finish high school.

　Then, though there’d be no happiness, there’d be no suffering either. I could return to that unremarkable, uniformly grey everyday life.
No matter how great the love had been, time would surely make me forget it eventually.

The signal turned green, and we both started walking.
The distance between us slowly closed.

Just as we reached the very centre of the crossing, I — even in the dream — reached out my hand to Mizuki.\

　No matter how many times I relived that rainy day, I would grasp this arm again and again.
I couldn’t erase those treasure-like days spent with Mitsuki.
Even if all that awaited ahead was an unbearably painful and sorrowful bad ending.

＊＊＊

One day after school, as I was packing up to leave, I noticed a paperback book inside my desk that I had no memory of putting there.
When I picked it up, carefully wrapped in a floral book cover, I immediately realised it was the very novel I had lent to Mitsuki that summer.

Noticing a pale pink note tucked between the book and its cover, I gasped and turned back towards Mitsuki’s desk. But she had already left the classroom.

“Nana, what are you doing?”

“Ah, sorry. I’ll be right there.”

Startled by Maki’s voice, I straightened up abruptly and quickly stowed the paperback in my bag, trying to calm my racing heart.

After parting ways with Maki, I sat on a bench on the station platform and took the paperback out of my bag.

This book hadn’t had a book cover when I lent it.
　Realising that Mizuki had thoughtfully covered it to hide the cover in case anyone saw it, my eyes stung with tears.

With trembling hands, I pulled out the thin, pale pink note folded in half tucked inside the book. In small, round, characteristically cute handwriting, it read: “To Nana”.

I traced the name Mizuki had written for me once, gently, with my fingertip.

　—Sorry it took me so long to return it. It was a really good novel. A truly lovely love story. You should read it to the end, Nana. I’m sure you’ll like it. It’d be a shame to sell it.

　It was a short note. But it was the first letter Mizuki had ever given me.
Tears welled up slowly, pooling beneath my eyes.
Realising the magnitude of what I was about to lose, I felt tears threatening to spill over, but I held back at the last moment and wiped them away with the back of my hand.

After returning home and flopping onto my bed, I picked up the paperback wrapped in its floral-patterned cover and opened it once more.

A love story as commonplace as they come, about two girls who drift apart yet harbour feelings for each other, their affection deepening.
Yet as it neared its conclusion, a succession of heart-wrenching emotions swept over me, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

Why hadn’t I read it to the end? 　Surely I’d just been viewing it through a filter.
A selfish filter that dismissed and rejected stories from the start if they didn’t resonate with my own heart.

A happy ending so joyful it brought tears. By the time I closed the book, its final illustration showing the two girls in wedding dresses, it was midnight.

I felt as though Mitsuki had given me one last chance to make amends. If I was going to send a message, surely now was the only time.

　Yet, even now, I still hesitate.

If I part ways with Mizuki like this, I won’t have to hurt any more.
The same goes for Mizuki.
She won’t have to try to keep me by offering her body.
There’s less than half a year left until graduation. …Right now, I could turn everything into a memory.

I know I shouldn’t go any further.

But… but.

　What do I want? I no longer felt capable of choosing for myself.

　＊＊＊

　As lunch break ended and I walked down the corridor with Maki to our next class, I bumped straight into Mizuki coming out of the student guidance office.

　Why does my timing have to be so awful?

　Our eyes locked perfectly, and I gasped, unable to bear the awkwardness.

　Behind Mizuki, the guidance counsellor, Mr Sakata, followed out.

“Well, well, well. Kase-san coming out of the guidance office? Did you get up to something?”

Maki looked at them both, her voice genuinely surprised. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t tear my gaze from Mizuki’s pale face.

“Yamada, you’re still a walking violation of the school rules, aren’t you? What’s with that skirt length? You’re in third year now, so how about settling down a bit? Unlike Asami, your grades aren’t exactly stellar either.”

Sakata glared at her, his eyes narrowing. Maki, a regular visitor to the guidance office, scowled and furrowed her brow.

“Sir, look at this hair properly! I dyed it black, so you should praise me. I’m the type who thrives on praise!”

She snapped at Sakata, using informal speech.

Mizuki… her complexion looked rather poor. Suddenly, I noticed her hand, clenched tightly, was trembling ever so slightly.
What was wrong? Why was she so frightened?

Mizuki looked at me, calling my name with her eyes alone.

　Nana.

That voice, which couldn’t possibly have been heard, echoed in my mind. I couldn’t sit still any longer; my body moved before my thoughts could catch up.
All the worries I’d been carrying around blew away in an instant, like they’d been blown up with dynamite.
Because right now, Mizuki was asking me for help.
Without hesitation, I reached out and grabbed her slender wrist firmly.

“Feeling unwell? Are you alright?”

“Eh…”

Mizuki’s eyes flickered with unsettled emotion. Ah, it had been a month. Mizuki… Mizuki was looking at me.
My heart clenched painfully. At the same time, an indescribable happiness filled my chest.

“Teacher, Kase-san looks unwell. I’ll take her to the infirmary.”

“Eh? Nana, what about the next lesson?”

“Maki, sorry. Go ahead without me. Say hello to the teacher for me. Come on, let’s go.”

Before hearing Mizuki’s reply, I had already taken her hand and started walking.