“I’m home.”

No reply.
I switch on the light.
The lantern-like torch left by the front door has gathered a layer of dust in the short time it hasn’t been used.

“Blinding.”

I draw the curtains and survey the room.
　Until a few months ago, the occasional moonlight and that torch were the only things keeping my vision clear in the dead of night.
Now, being able to pay the electricity bill means the nights are brighter than before.

……….

But in the end, I switch the room light off.

The room darkens again.
This kind of gloom suits me best.

　Before my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I pulled my smartphone from my blazer pocket.
The time displayed on the lock screen was 21:00.
It had been about thirty minutes since I’d parted ways with Mashiro at the hotel. Travelling home by train, she probably hadn’t reached her house yet.

“I hope Mashiro hasn’t got told off by her parents…”

Such a muttered thought escaped me.

　I lay with Mashiro.
It was my first time.
It felt like another layer of my understanding of ‘pleasure’ had shifted.
Mashiro seemed to feel the same; when we pressed our private parts together, she asked me, her face flushed crimson.

“Have you never done that sort of thing alone, Amamiya-san?”

That sort of thing. If I’m being completely honest, I think Mashiro was asking me whether I’d ever masturbated.
I knew about it, but I’d never done it myself, so I answered truthfully.
Then Mashiro breathed a sigh of relief and replied, “I haven’t either.”

I thought, we’re similar in that way too.
At the same time, I felt relieved knowing we were both equally confused by this unfamiliar kind of “feels good”.

　Even after returning home and being alone, recalling it made my lower abdomen ache with a twinge.

Rubbing against her while moaning together, being made to cry out by her hands.
Then, making her cry out with my own hands.
Each was a tentative first experience, and a fulfilling first time I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.
From now on, I want to try all sorts of play with Mashiro, building on this first experience.

　But one problem arose.

I fumbled for my purse in my bag by the light of my phone.
Today wasn’t a day for payment. So taking money from Mashiro felt wrong.
Besides, I didn’t want to think of our ‘first experience’ as just another ‘payment’.
Yet there it was, the ten thousand yen Mashiro handed me.
“I’m sorry it’s so little,” she apologised apologetically, and I felt a pang of loneliness.

　It wasn’t quite anxiety either. Time and again, this one girl named Mashiro made me feel this rollercoaster of emotions.
That one person could affect another so profoundly.
And that the person being affected was me.

I’ve thought it many times.
I’ve changed.
That I started saying “I’m home” when I returned to my place. Because being involved with Mashiro made my heart feel just a little lighter.
　That I, who once found life dull and devoid of vitality, who felt unloved by anyone, now pour affection into someone – telling Mashiro “I love you” – is because Mashiro alone has ever showered me with warm affection.
That I, who used to compartmentalise the world into myself and everything else, who took no interest in others, now feel such anxiety and loneliness because of someone – Mashiro – is because every single one of those emotions was formed during our time alone together.

　I am fully aware that Mashiro transformed me from a dull person.

Precisely because of that. Precisely because I am grateful to Mashiro.
I find myself regretting things just a little now.
I wish we could have become close in a different way.

The beginning of our relationship was about money.
Money, which I considered my top priority, is now causing us suffering.

I know.

She must have no money left.
Even though I know it’s not my place to say this, having been the one to initiate this relationship, I wish she’d confide in me if we truly feel the same.
I want her to rely on me. If possible, I want her to trust only me.
My concern for her is gradually turning into possessiveness.
I still dislike this side of myself.

　Self-loathing and then Mashiro’s financial situation.
Just as my mind threatened to become a tangled mess, my phone pinged with a notification at the perfect moment.
It was the first time I’d heard my phone’s notification sound.
Tapping the notification displayed on the lock screen took me to LINE.

And on the chat screen, which had only just begun, was:

mashiro: ‘Mum got mad at me for being late (´;ω;｀)’
　mashiro: ‘Amamiya-san seemed a bit down, but did you get home safely?’
mashiro: ‘(Sticker of a white cat peeking from the wall with a ‘?’ expression)’

Today, when we parted ways at the hotel, I plucked up the courage to ask Mashiro for her LINE.
The joy of being able to chat even when she wasn’t right in front of me seeped into my heart, though it didn’t show on my face.

　Amamiya Tōru: ‘That was quick.’
Amamiya Tōru: ‘Made it home.’
Amamiya Tōru: ‘Cute.’
mashiro: ‘This sticker is adorable, isn’t it?! There’s a white cat series and a black cat series – shall I buy them for you?’

After a few seconds’ thought, I sent the message.

　Amamiya Tōru: ‘I’ll buy it myself.’
Mashiro: ‘Is that so?’
Mashiro: ‘(A sticker showing a white cat beaming with a “Got it!” written over it)’

……….
No further messages came from Mashiro after that.
The conversation ended.
After another few seconds’ thought, I sent another message.

Amamiya Tōru: ‘Is it alright if I call you?’

　The ‘read’ notification appeared instantly.

　mashiro: ‘I’ll be eating dinner and having a bath, so’
　mashiro: ‘I should be free from 10:30pm!’
　Tōru Amamiya: ‘Got it’

　The conversation trails off.
　I decided to take a bath before our agreed time too, and lightly eat some frozen food I’d stocked in the now usable fridge while waiting for that hour.

　Ten thirty at night.

“Hello?”

I pressed the phone to my ear and spoke.
This might be my very first phone call ever.

‘Ah, um, hello? This is Kuroda Mashiro.’
“Yeah, I know.”
‘Ah, right. Um, sorry.’
“Why are you apologising? I don’t mind.”
‘Ah, well, I’m just kind of nervous.’
“Mashiro too? I’m nervous too. First call.”
‘Ah, you mean that?’
“That? Which that?”
‘Ah, um…’

Somehow, separated by this smartphone medium, Mashiro’s speech on the other end was incredibly halting.
We’d both left the hotel feeling fine, hadn’t we?

Mashiro whispered over the line.
Her reason came out in a breathy voice. The reason she was nervous now.

‘I can’t really say this too loudly, but we… we had sex, didn’t we? Just a few hours ago.’
‘Yeah, we did. …Eh? Was there something you didn’t like?’
‘No, it’s not that I’m dissatisfied or anything! Um, how should I put it… It was my first time too, so I was wondering if it’s better to properly tell the other person your thoughts about this sort of thing…’
‘Thoughts?’

Alone, yet I found myself tilting my head.

‘Well, Amamiya-san’s body felt incredibly good… ///’
“………”

Mashiro’s figure wasn’t here.
So naturally, I had no idea what expression she was wearing right now.
But I could easily imagine the face she’d made when she said those words. My cheeks relaxed just a little.

“I enjoyed it too.”
‘Really?’
“Yes. I wouldn’t lie to Mashiro.”
‘Ah, but actually, Amamiya-san, you were really wet down there, weren’t you? Come to think of it.’
“………Mashiro, you really are naughty.”

And so, chatting with Mashiro over the phone got quite lively.