Digression ④ Touch me with those hands and save that night

　I never really understood romantic feelings until I fell for my teacher.

　That doesn’t mean I’m cold towards everything else, though.

“Red Team’s gonna win! Let’s get pumped!”

As homeroom drew to a close, the girl from the Sports Festival committee standing at the front declared loudly.

“Oooh!”

I felt a sense of unity with the whole class, myself included, aiming for victory. This whole class’s… no, the whole Ayakawa Minami High School’s enthusiasm for giving their all to school events was one of the things I loved about it.

“Meisa, let’s do our best!”

My best friend Ryoka, sitting next to me, flashed me her bright smile.

“Yeah! We’ll definitely win!”

Whether it’s the cultural festival or the sports festival, I hate losing in anything where rankings or winners are decided. People often say I seem mature, though I don’t mean to be, but I suppose I’m just what you’d call competitive.

　　　　　　　　　　☆

　Every Friday after school. In the second elective classroom of the West Building, where study sessions were held, the person I liked was waiting.

Stepping into the classroom with eager anticipation, those pale iris eyes turned towards me. I always loved this moment unbearably.

“I missed you, Sensei ♡”

“Good afternoon, Uehara-san. Shall we begin straight away?”

　It’s always like this. No matter how many words of love I convey, the teacher never accepts them. She just brushes them off matter-of-factly.

But someday, I’ll definitely make her turn around. With a positive, forward-leaning attitude, I continue my appeal to the teacher today too.

For the fifty minutes until the study session ends, the teacher absolutely refuses to engage in small talk. Following that rule, I’ve developed the habit of studying seriously too.

“Why is the cat-spirit’s true form the dog she keeps? Isn’t this supposed to be about a cat?”

“This essay’s theme is ‘the absurdity of humans swayed by rumours’. Precisely because the monk was terrified, his usually adorable pet dog must have seemed frightening. Try inserting ‘in fact’ before the final sentence, which is the punchline – I think it will help you understand better.”

　Even discounting my bias because I like the teacher, I find their lessons easy to understand. The remedial classes after the first term’s final exams were what brought us closer, but if I’d found the teacher’s extra lessons painful to begin with, I wouldn’t have been drawn to them in the first place.

“Uehara-san? Are you concentrating?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. I was just thinking how much I like you, teacher.”

“…Twenty minutes left. Let’s keep at it.”

After that, I switched back into study mode and concentrated properly until the very end. I didn’t want to be the sort of person who wasted the kindness of a teacher who made time for me.

“I fell during sports festival practice. Look, here. I grazed it.”

Knowing the teacher would chat with me once study time ended, I stayed behind in the classroom as usual, trying to prolong the time I could spend with her.

　Stretching out my right leg to show off my knee, already treated with gauze, the teacher came down from the podium and knelt at my feet.

“It looks painful. Are you alright? Did you get it treated in the infirmary?”

“Uh, yeah. I thought it might be overkill, but I had Moriguchi-san look at it just in case. I’m glad they were here today.”

“They’re often too busy to be in the infirmary, after all. With the sports festival just a week away, please take care not to get injured.”

Feeling her concern as she knelt on one knee, looking up at me, made my heart skip a beat. I felt a pang of guilt for letting my imagination run wild, thinking her kindness was “somehow knight-like” and feeling my heart flutter.

“Right then,” she replied with a smile, feigning calmness, before exhaling a sigh of relief as the teacher returned to the lectern.

“My class is in the Red Team, and I’m running in the sprint and the relay.”

“So… that means you’re quite fast, Uehara-san. I might miss you if I’m not paying attention.”

“Then you’ll have to make sure to watch me the whole time so you don’t miss me. Oh, right! If Team Red wins, I want a reward ♡ Like a kiss ♡”

“Even without a reward, the Uehara-san I know will give it her all.”

As she puffed out her cheeks at the teacher’s adult “evasion”, the teacher chuckled softly.

“You’ve got a childish side to you, don’t you, Uehara-san?”

“Eh? Don’t treat me like a child.”

“Please don’t take it the wrong way. Besides, I think your attitude of giving your all to everything is truly wonderful.”

“…Really? You mean you like it?”

“Yes, I do.”

Even though I knew the teacher hadn’t meant it in ‘that’ sense, my face couldn’t help but grin. When it comes to the teacher, I really do become a simple, easy-to-read girl.

“I’m happy. Hey, Sensei. I won’t ask for a kiss or anything. If the Red Team wins, will you go for a meal with me after the next study session?”

“Dining with a pupil… Just to confirm, would it be just the two of us, myself and Uehara-san?”

“Yeah. What’s the harm? We’re both girls.”

“Even if we are of the same sex, a teacher and student alone together…”

After a bit of back-and-forth, did she think I wouldn’t leave until she nodded? Hesitating, she eventually let out a small sigh.

“…Very well. Think of a restaurant you’d like to go to.”

“It’s a promise, right? Let’s make a pinky promise!”

“Yes. …I suppose I am childish, aren’t I?”

“I’m doing this on purpose. It gives me an excuse to touch you.”

The teacher’s expression turned visibly flustered. She seems to think she’s the type who doesn’t show much emotion on her face, and the other students probably think so too.

But I know better, spending every waking moment watching her, thinking about her. Love is powerful, you know.

I caught hold of her slender little finger and stared intently into her eyes.

“I like you, Sensei.”

No matter how many times I tell her I like her, no matter how many times I send her intense looks, no matter how many times I do this, holding her finger.

As long as I’m her student, she won’t reciprocate my feelings.

Even though I like her this much. Even though I think things like gender, age difference, and our positions are trivial.

For her, I suppose all those things are reasons to reject me.

“…If anyone saw us, they might misunderstand, so perhaps we should…”

Because you’re kind, you wouldn’t forcefully pull away. It’s hard for me to let go too. It’s lonely. I want to touch you for much longer.

—But. I don’t want to trouble you.

　Hoping my warmth might linger on her skin just a little longer, I gently drew my fingers away. …I’m such a clingy woman, aren’t I? I wasn’t like this before I fell for her.

The one responsible for turning me into this is already starting to tidy up, looking relieved, saying things like, “Shall we head back before it gets too late?”

Until the day comes when I can make her turn to look at me.

　Until we reach a point where we can touch without needing excuses.

I’ll recall the warmth of her touch lingering on my little finger, time and time again.

　　　　　　　　　　☆

The day of the sports festival arrived. From the opening ceremony… no, wait. Truthfully, I’d realised the moment I woke up that morning.

This is dreadful. I wanted to give it my all today, to enjoy myself to the fullest, but my condition was far from perfect.

Yesterday, I ended up taking on extra shifts at work because someone asked me to. When I got home, Mum was unusually there, and I had to listen to her moan, so I ended up going to bed late.

Ah, why did it have to be a day like this? If I let my guard down, I start to sway, so I consciously force myself to stand firm on both feet. It feels like I’m not really walking on the ground, and it’s scary.

Even so, I don’t want to cause trouble for anyone. I don’t want them worrying about me for no reason. Just for today, I’ll push myself to the limit. I’m quite good at putting on a show. I’ll be fine.

I scraped first place in the sprint race I entered. Yeah, I can do it when I try, can’t I?

While moving along chatting with Suzuka, I spotted the teacher. Even though she was wearing an ill-fitting, unflattering tracksuit, it somehow looked cute on her. Romantic feelings really do put a strange filter over things, I think.

“Teacher!”

I called out as we passed her, waving my hand flutteringly. The serious, strict teacher wouldn’t wave back, but just meeting her eyes was enough.

After we’d passed, I let out a small breath. Then Ryoka started, “Listen—”

“Hey, Meisa. Shall we go to the infirmary?”

　—I’d thought I’d hidden it perfectly. Being seen through like that unsettled me.

“Eh? Why?”

“Because you look awful. I’ll come with you.”

Though Ryōka tried to keep it light so I wouldn’t get stubborn, her expression was unmistakably concerned for me.

“But… if I leave, we won’t be able to run the final relay, will we?”

“I’ll run it, so it’ll be fine! I know you’re a responsible person and might resist, but please leave it to me! Your health comes first, alright?”

Ryoka isn’t particularly good at sports. She doesn’t even like running, yet she’s saying all this for my sake.

…I’ll take her up on it. If I ignored Ryoka’s kindness and made my condition worse, she’d probably feel responsible too.

“…Alright then, I suppose I’ll leave it to you. Running now might just leave me exhausted anyway.”

“Exactly! You don’t want to look bad in front of Kakei-san, do you?”

I nodded in agreement at Ryōka’s smirking words.

　　　　　　　　　　☆

“Excuse me… Huh?”

　She made her way to the infirmary, but neither the nurse, Moriguchi-san, nor any other students were there.

“All to ourselves? Moriguchi-san must be busy again today. Come on, Meisa, let’s use the beds.”

“Right. …I’ll borrow this one.”

She sat down on the bed by the window, one of the two available. Taking off her shoes and lying down, she felt dizzy, as if she might faint. …Seems I’d pushed myself harder than I realised.

“Thanks. Shouldn’t you head back soon, Suzuka?”

“…Meisa, are you alright on your own? Shall I go fetch Kakei-san?”

“I’m not a little kid, I’m fine.”

After Suzuka left the infirmary, I lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling. The window was shut, but voices from the playground drifted into the room.

…Probably just lack of sleep and exhaustion. Believing rest would fix it, I closed my eyes. Yet, despite my body being tired, sleep wouldn’t come easily.

Feeling unwell really is awful. It makes you feel down, or rather, it takes its toll on your mental state too. All sorts of things flit through your mind, making you dwell on unnecessary thoughts.

　That night in sixth year of primary school, when I caught a cold. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Mum to take time off work and stay with me. I remembered that night when the chills wouldn’t stop, breathing was hard, and I was just scared and lonely.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to remember. Trying to focus on sleeping, I pulled the duvet over me. Physically blocking out the sunlight, forgetting the fear and loneliness, I…

“Uehara-san, are you alright?”

Hearing that monotone voice—yet one I always longed to hear, I reflexively peeked out from under the duvet.

“…Sensei? Eh? Why are you here…?”

And then, I clearly saw the figure of the person I liked with my own eyes.

“I heard from Sasaki-san that Uehara-san was in the infirmary. I intended to leave without waking you if you seemed asleep, but it looks like you couldn’t sleep.”

　A white hand stretched out and touched my forehead.

“You don’t seem to have a fever, but your complexion isn’t good. You should rest quietly.”

“…Probably. She’ll probably tell me when she gets back…”

Even as we spoke in a matter-of-fact tone, I felt my face growing hot and my heart beating wildly, half-panicking, “What should I do?”

　This is no good. When you’re feeling weak, both in heart and body, being treated kindly just makes you like them even more.

“I did notice something different about you when you waved from the field earlier… But I knew you’d push through the pain, Uehara-san, because you’re such a hard worker. I’m glad Sasaki-san told me.”

As a teacher, she maintains a strict boundary with me and the other students. Normally, she would never touch me of her own accord.

　But is this part of nursing care? The feel of her hand on my forehead is pleasant.

“You must have felt vulnerable. No one’s watching now. It’s alright to lean on me.”

Perhaps because I’d confessed my true feelings to her before and leaned on her then. Behind her glasses, her eyes saw right through me. That little girl I usually lock away deep inside was trying to show herself in front of her.

“…Will you hold my hand?”

“Of course.”

The hand she took was slender and warm, reassuring me while simultaneously stirring excitement. It felt like both oxytocin and adrenaline were being released, I might become addicted to this comfort.

The fact that she’s the only one in this world who makes me feel this way, yet she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings… there’s nothing more cruel than that.

　But my instincts rejoice regardless, so perhaps there’s no saving me.

“…I feel like I can get better. Happy.”

“This is all I can do for you.”

She’s usually such a serious, cute teacher. But at times like this, she’s utterly mature, utterly kind, utterly cool, and utterly unfair.

That thought lasted only a moment, as her warmth swallowed all my discontent. I sink deeper into the teacher.

“If someone saw us holding hands, would they say anything?”

“If we let go the moment someone enters the infirmary, I don’t think they’d notice. The beds are surrounded by curtains, so it should be fine.”

“You’d let go? Then let’s change how we hold hands so it’s harder to separate… heh.”

　We interlocked our fingers tightly, using what’s known as the lover’s grip. Though the teacher remarked, “You seem more energetic than I expected,” she didn’t try to pry us apart.

My lips curved into a smile, a joy at being permitted this. The clamour from the sports field faded from my ears, and I felt incredibly relaxed.

“What were sports days like when you were in high school, Sensei?”

“I remember next to nothing, really. I didn’t have any friends, and it wasn’t the sort of school where the whole class would unite and get excited together.”

“I see. Well then, you should make some good memories at this school. Let’s update your memories, Sensei.”

It was something I’d said without much thought, but Sensei just stared at my face and said nothing.

“Eh? Did I say something strange?”

“No… It’s just that Uehara-san always speaks with perspectives and ideas I don’t possess, so I find it tremendously stimulating.”

From the teacher’s gentle expression and tone of voice, I understood.

“That’s roundabout and hard to grasp. Could you be more direct?”

Truthfully, I knew what the teacher meant, but wanting them to say it properly, I was being a little mischievous.

“…I rather like that about you, Uehara-san.”

“I like you too, Sensei.”

The words carried on her voice reached my ears, coursing through my entire body and activating my cells. The word “like” uttered from the vocal cords of someone you like seems to have the greatest effect.

“Hearing the word ‘like’ in your voice makes me feel incredibly energised. Hey, say it more. I want to hear it over and over.”

“…I’ll refrain. As long as you’re my pupil, I have no intention of our relationship becoming anything other than teacher and student.”

The same old line, repeated over and over until it became unbearable. How many times had I been rebuffed by the teacher?

Seeing me staring intently in protest, the teacher gave a faint smile.

“However… today, I’ll stay by your side until you fall asleep. Rest easy.”

“…Is my hair all messy? Has my make-up run from the sweat?”

“It’s fine. You look lovely, just as always.”

It was terrifying how effortlessly she could say things like this. My puffed-out cheeks would relax, my heart would nearly burst from the surprise, and if she said such things naturally to other students too, the fear and jealousy of gaining rivals would drive me mad.

“Thanks. Goodnight, Sensei.”

“Goodnight.”

Both the hand she held and the eyes fixed on me felt warm. How many students at this school knew the warmth hidden beneath her seemingly cool exterior? I was torn by a selfish contradiction: I wanted everyone to know her charm, yet I wanted to keep it just for myself.

　But I am confident I like her the most.

Will I be able to sleep with my heart pounding like this…? Just as I was thinking that, the teacher began tapping my stomach rhythmically with her free hand. What on earth…

“…This, rather than treating me like a child… aren’t you treating me like a baby?”

“Not at all. I’ll stop if you dislike it.”

“…No, I don’t mind.”

Rather, I wish this moment could last forever. I want it to continue, yet her hand feels so good, my eyelids growing heavier and heavier.

The reassurance of someone being there when I’m anxious or in pain. I felt a bright, soft light washing over me, releasing me from wherever it touched.

I won’t cry anymore. Because I’m not alone.

　The teacher’s hands seemed to save both the me of now, and the me who cried that night in sixth grade.

Thinking such things in my drowsiness, I had fallen asleep without realising.

　　　　　　　　　　☆

When I woke, the teacher was gone.

Putting on my shoes and opening the curtain around the bed, I saw Moriguchi-san at her desk doing paperwork.

“Ah, good morning, Uehara-san. How are you feeling?”

“Good morning. I’m sorry, I took the liberty of using the bed.”

“It’s alright, I’m sorry I left you unattended. Several first-year boys got injured during the pole-flipping game, so it’s been hectic. Kakei-san stayed with you, which was a great help.”

Hearing that name, my heart leapt.

“Wh-what about… Kakei-san?”

“When I got back, she gave me a brief update on your symptoms and she went back to the field. Hmm, you don’t look too pale, but let me just take your temperature just in case.”

Holding the thermometer under my arm, I think. If the teacher had been a man, Moriguchi-san would have found it suspicious that we were alone together in the infirmary, and I would have been reprimanded or warned.

But both the teacher and I are women. There are countless unwritten rules in this world that are tolerated simply because we are of the same sex. I am taking advantage of those rules, freely enjoying the teacher’s kindness and goodwill.

　And yet, I myself tell the teacher that love knows no gender. …Perhaps someday, a great punishment will befall me.

A beep sounded. My temperature was normal.

“Right, seems you’re alright. The closing ceremony’s about to start – what shall we do? Are you joining?”

“I’ll attend. I want to share the thrill of victory with everyone in the class.”

“You don’t doubt we’ll win?” I thanked Moriguchi-san, who smiled, and left the infirmary.

I wasn’t staggering anymore. I didn’t feel sick either. My feet were firmly planted on the ground as I headed towards the field where my class was gathered… and where my teacher was.

　　　　　　　　　　☆

‘Sensei. Thank you for today. I feel better now, and the Red Team won. It’s all good.’

After school, with both the sports festival and homeroom over. I couldn’t hold back and sent Sensei a message.

‘I want to see you.’

Perhaps caught up in the excitement of victory, I’d sent a message that might just put Sensei in an awkward spot.

This won’t do. I knew from past experience this meant there was a high chance of no reply.

‘I thought I’d like to catch up on studies after the Sports Festival delay.’

So I sent another message, pressing my case. Though she wouldn’t accept my romantic feelings, ‘as a teacher’ she was always earnest and sincere.

‘Understood. I’ll wait in the second elective classroom.’

The moment I saw her reply, I stood up and headed for our usual spot.

　Walking down the corridor, my pace quickened naturally, and I struggled desperately to keep a smile from slipping onto my face. It felt like a lie that just hours ago I’d been complaining about feeling ill; I was amazed at myself.

My feelings for the teacher grew stronger by the day, yet the more I liked her, the more I seemed to trouble her. It was a strange situation.

　But if love is something you simply can’t control, then so be it.

I am undoubtedly in love right now. With my teacher – the one who taught me this feeling, who showed me what it means to ‘like’ someone, when I never knew it before.

The moment I entered the classroom, I poured out my feelings to the person I cherished.

“Teacher, I love you!”

“You seem to be feeling better now. That’s good.”

For now, just a glance from her is all I get; her feelings aren’t directed at me yet.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Hey, Sensei, the Red Team won! So let’s go for dinner, okay? ♡”

Someday, I’ll make her say she likes me.

After school, in the second elective classroom of the West Building. Today, once again, I’m telling Sensei how I feel.