Episode 41: Whenever We Meet

While warming the instant rice porridge bought from the supermarket in a pot, I pressed the blade of a fruit knife against the side of an apple.

Nervously handling the unfamiliar knife, I managed to peel the apple, albeit rather clumsily.

It struck me anew. Thinking things like ‘they’ll do it for me’ just won’t do. Since we live together, I need to pull myself together so we can help each other out.

　Why hadn’t I realised such an obvious thing until now?

Even after a whole year. Even though there were countless chances to try.

I stared blankly at the pot bubbling and boiling.

Yui-san said she’d been almost alone since high school. She must have had times like this, when she felt unwell.

Did she manage on her own each time? Or did she look after her? She, an adult four years older than Yui-san.

The timer beeped. I scooped the retort pouch rice porridge, rescued from the boiling water, into a bowl.

Placed a pickled plum on top, making it look somewhat presentable.

I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll definitely learn to make it properly. I vowed firmly within my chest.

Placed it on a tray and headed towards Yui-san’s room. I hope she can eat at least a little.

“Yui-san, I’m coming in.”

I called out, opening the door. Her room was dim, lit only by the bedside lamp.

“May I turn on the light?”

“Mm… yes.”

Her voice sounded a little strained. She sat up, then looked at me, wide-eyed and puzzled.

“What’s that…?”

“It’s rice porridge. …Please eat as much as you can manage.”

I placed the tray on the side table, sat down on the edge of the bed, and turned to face Yui-san.

“Thank you… I’m really happy.”

“It’s just instant, though.”

“That doesn’t matter. You did it for me, didn’t you?”

I hadn’t expected her to be so pleased, and to hide my embarrassment, I scooped up some porridge with the spoon. I checked the temperature earlier, so it shouldn’t be too hot.

“Here, open wide.”

When I offered it to her mouth, Yui smiled shyly.

“I, I can manage it myself.”

“Why are you blushing? You fed me when I had a cold, didn’t you?”

“Did I?”

“You did.”

She eats with her mouth open, though she seems a bit shy about it. Yui-san blushes too. It’s rather cute.

“It’s delicious.”

“It’s shop-bought, so the taste is guaranteed. Don’t force yourself, just eat what you can manage. There’s an apple after the meal too.”

Speaking of which, Yui-san’s gaze falls on the awkwardly shaped apple sitting on the side table.

“Did you peel the apple too? Did you hurt yourself? Are you alright?”

Perhaps because she rarely saw me holding a knife, Yui-san looked worriedly at my left hand.

So, to show I hadn’t hurt myself anywhere, I waved my left hand about.

“I’m fine. I didn’t hurt myself. I didn’t peel it perfectly though…”

Hearing that, Yui-san smiled.

“I’m really glad. Thank you.”

I hoped she hadn’t forced herself, but Yui polished off the rice porridge in no time.

Seeing her eat the apple I’d peeled with such a happy smile, I felt I understood just a little of why Yui always stared intently when I ate.

“I also bought some cut fruit and ice cream, so just say if you fancy some anytime. Also, here. Make sure you take your temperature properly.”

Saying that, I handed her the thermometer, which Yui reluctantly accepted.

“Kanata, you’re so thoughtful. Have you ever nursed a boyfriend before?”

“Of course not. …Actually, I rang Ritsu and asked what to do.”

Resignedly spilling the beans, Yui smiled with relief.

“Ritsu, huh? She probably is the right person to ask.”

“She said to wrap a spring onion around your neck. What do you reckon? Shall I try it?”

“…Nah, I’ll pass. I’d definitely not be able to sleep with that smell.”

“True, it would probably fill the whole room.”

We exchanged glances and laughed. Ritsu really is an interesting person, isn’t she? Caring, thoughtful, kind.

　It’s a relief Ritsu-san is completely heterosexual. If she were a rival, honestly, I’d have no chance at all.

“But it’s good. I was starting to feel a bit jealous.”

“And you say that, Yui-san? Who looked after you before? Your ex-girlfriend?”

She’s older than me, and surely much more thoughtful, probably someone who could peel an apple beautifully too. Thinking that stirs up my inferiority complex.

“No way. We didn’t live together, I was always on my own.”

“Hmm…”

“Oh? You don’t believe me?”

“But you were together for three years, weren’t you?”

This is no good. This isn’t good. Yui-san is unwell right now. I know I shouldn’t be jealous and saying accusatory things.

The thermometer beeped. Peering at it, I saw it was over thirty-eight degrees. That must be awful.

“They say it’s best to let a fever run its course, but are you alright? Shall I get you some paracetamol?”

When I asked, Yui-san shook her head from side to side.

“I’m fine. I can endure it a little longer.”

I urged her to lie down and covered her with the futon. Then, Yui-san stared intently at me.

“…Kanata, you seem to care a lot about my ex-girlfriend…”

She took my hand. Her palm was noticeably hotter than usual.

“Even though I said we dated for three years, we only met twice a week. But with Kanata, we’ve been together every single day for the past year, haven’t we?”

“…That’s true.”

“So, those three years? We’ve already surpassed that by a long shot.”

“The number of times we actually saw each other might be true… but Yui, you really loved her, didn’t you?”

In terms of the number of days we spent together in daily life, perhaps I do have the edge. But that’s beside the point. What I’m talking about is feelings.

Because Yui-san was ‘dating’ her. She never once said to me, ‘I want to date you’.

Didn’t you actually like your ex more? More than me?

Because I couldn’t even become Yui-san’s girlfriend. From that point, we weren’t even on the same playing field.

“I loved her dearly. I always wanted to be with her forever. I never thought we’d break up.”

My heart feels like it’s tearing apart. Even if it’s in the past tense, I didn’t want to hear about someone else you loved.

Is it because you’re weak from the fever? Normally, you’d dodge the question, but today you’re unusually talkative.

A jumble of emotions — wanting to hear it, yet not wanting to hear it — is churning and swirling inside my chest.

I never thought I could meet anyone I could love more than her. I was just a child.

A warm palm reached out and stroked my cheek. Those dark eyes stared intently into mine, brimming with tears.

“But you know… adolescent love and adult love seem completely different. I don’t remember my ex-girlfriend even a millimetre now. I’m completely smitten with you.”

　The hand that had been caressing my cheek gently traced down my neck and touched the necklace at my throat.

“Yui…”

“…There’s something I need to tell Kanata. I’m sorry. I wasn’t ready to tell you. Because Kanata is so kind, because you don’t press me, because I’ve been taking advantage of that for so very long…”

“…Is it really that difficult to say?”

“If I could, I wouldn’t say it. Because I want you to stay by my side forever.”

Why does she put it like that? It’s as if she thinks that once she tells me, I’ll leave her.

Hearing her say that makes me afraid to ask, too.

“…It’s alright. Whenever you feel ready to tell me, Yui-san. I’ll wait forever.”

I gaze at her, looking more fragile than ever. My affection for her deepens. I gently placed my hand over hers, pressed against the necklace at my throat.

Yui smiled, as if relieved. Yet that smile held a certain sadness, tightening my chest.

“I don’t want to graduate from university. Maybe I’ll repeat a year.”

“Repeat a year? That’d be a waste of tuition fees.”

“I wish we’d met sooner. Our fathers are friends, so why did it take us this long to meet?”

“I suppose so. But I might not want to meet a Yui-san with a girlfriend.”

Because you’re devoted, aren’t you? If you had a girlfriend, you definitely wouldn’t have given me a second glance.

I don’t want to see you being kind to another woman.

“I… think I would have fallen for you no matter when we met. Thinking that, maybe this timing was good? When you didn’t have a boyfriend…”

　Closing her eyes softly, looking sleepy, I squeezed Yui-san’s hand and gently guided it back onto the futon.

I won’t say it, but I feel the same.

Whenever we’d met, I’m certain I would have fallen for you.

Even if this love remains unrequited, I’ll never regret having fallen for Yui-san.

Before long, I heard her breathing become steady and regular, so I gently withdrew my hand.

Then, careful not to wake her, I brought my lips to hers.

“…Goodnight, Yui-san.”

After a kiss that barely touched her, I slipped out of the room, careful not to make a sound.

I might catch her cold, but even if I did, it would be alright. I knew Yui-san would nurse me back to health with tender care.

　Looking back now, I realise that from this moment — no, from long before this — Yui-san had been struggling, suffering.

No matter how much I ponder it, I can’t find an answer. But I believe it’s true that she loved me.

Perhaps the reason she couldn’t tell me was that, even feeling guilty about keeping it hidden, she still wanted to be with me.

Now, I’ll never know.

　It was my first real love. Perhaps I was still too immature to fully embrace everything about her.

The memory, piercing deep within my chest, remains unfaded, still bleeding even now.

When winter ends, a second spring will come.

The last season I spent with her.