Episode 50: I Love You

Once I’d packed all my belongings into cardboard boxes, the room I’d been using felt completely empty.
Having lived there for a year, I’d accumulated quite a lot of stuff, and I only finished packing the night before my departure.

After that, I submitted my leave of absence to the university. Once everything was ready, I planned to attend a British university as an exchange student.

　When I explained the situation at my part-time job, the owner, Hayakawa-kun, and Amasaki-san were all terribly sorry to see me go and even organised a farewell party for me.
That café was my favourite place. The owner told me to come back and work there again when I returned to Japan after my studies, so even though I felt terribly sorry about leaving so suddenly, it lightened my heart a little.

　After packing my room, I picked up the orca and seal plushies sitting side by side on the living room sofa. Precious stuffed animals bought for me by Yui-san.
Just as I was about to stow them in my suitcase, Yui-san’s hand grabbed mine and stopped me.

“…Are you taking both of them with you?”

I looked up at Yui-san, who sounded displeased. Without thinking, I clutched both stuffed animals tightly to my chest and pulled away from Yui-san.

“But these guys… they’re mine, you know.”

I shot her a resentful look, thinking, Surely she’s not going to tell me to leave them behind? These guys are off limits. They’re memories of me and Yui-san, so I absolutely won’t let them go.

“One is enough, isn’t it? Leave that orca behind.”

“…No.”

“Please.”

“No. These little ones are friends. Don’t you think it’d be sad to separate them?”

“It’s sadder for me to be separated from Kanata. Please, I’m begging you.”

After a back-and-forth like ex-spouses fighting over custody, Yui-san deftly plucked the orca from my chest.

“Ah!”

“I will sleep hugging them thinking it’s Kanata. So give me Orca-kun.”

“Even without you saying which is which, I think Yui-san is Orca-kun and I’m Seal-kun…”

I started to say ‘in terms of the predator-prey relationship’, then felt embarrassed. Yui-san laughed and said, “Right then, swap,” taking Seal-kun from my arms and putting Orca-kun back in my arms instead.

Oh well. Once she said she wanted to sleep hugging them like that, I couldn’t take them away. Orca-kun, Seal-kun, I’m sorry. While I apologised silently and packed them into my suitcase, Yui-san had already taken Seal-kun back to her room.

After that, I tried my best to carry on as usual. When I told my mother on the phone, she said, “Do whatever you like, dear,” without even asking what had happened.

“Yui-san, also, it would be a great help if you could send this luggage over.”

“…Right, understood.”

When I pointed to the cardboard box and told Yui-san, who had returned from her room, she smiled sadly.

“Hey, Kanata, you’ve finished packing, right? We’ve still got time, let’s watch a film together.”

Yui-san said this, as if switching gears. Unlike me, Yui was naturally straightforward. She’d surely be able to move forward.
When I nodded in agreement to her suggestion, Yui beamed happily.

Usually she’d let me choose what to watch, but today Yui insisted, “I absolutely want to see this one today,” refusing to budge.
The film she chose wasn’t a genre I’d expect her to like, so I tilted my head in puzzlement.

　But I soon understood why she’d chosen it.

“Yui, this film’s nearly four hours long…”

“It’s fine once in a while. I think it’ll be interesting, probably.”

Saying that, she wrapped her arm tightly around my waist and hugged me. “Oh, come on,” I muttered, reluctantly taking her hand to play with it.

　A slight unease made me stare at Yui-san’s hand. Her nails, usually neatly trimmed and smooth, were unusually a bit long.

The film’s content probably didn’t matter at all. We were both surely thinking the same thing.

I wanted to be together longer. I wished tomorrow would never come. Even though I’d chosen it myself, there were nights I lay awake wondering if this was really the right choice.
　On nights like that, I’d slip silently into Yui’s room. Without a word, she’d hold me close and fall asleep.

Being held in her warm arms, a deep tenderness would well up inside me. I could convince myself this choice wasn’t a mistake.

For Yui, whom I loved so dearly, I could endure anything. No matter how painful it might be.

The four-hour epic film was, quite frankly, utterly tedious. I suspect Yui felt the same. Yet we didn’t stop the film even after the end credits began rolling.

Yui nuzzled affectionately against my neck, rubbing against me. I immediately felt a cold sensation and realised she was crying.

“Yui, are you crying? …Was there really something that moving?”

As I teased her, tears spilled from my own eyes and fell onto Yui’s hand with a soft plop.

“…You’re crying too, Kanata.”

Yui pointed this out, smiling slightly. We turned to look at each other and both laughed.
Her gentle thumb wiped away my tears. Then she kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, one after the other, and I clung tightly to her neck.

“…Yui-san.”

“Mm.”

“I love you.”

“…Mm. I… I love you too, Kanata.”

She pulled me tightly against her waist, our bodies pressed together perfectly. I found her arms, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe, unbearably precious.

　The next day. I declined Yui-san’s offer to drive me to the airport, saying, “Yuri will see me off.”
I knew I’d become too sentimental. I’d never want to leave, so I’d decided to say goodbye here at this house.

“Yui-san, this…”

Saying that, I reached behind my neck as if remembering something and took off the necklace. The one Yui-san had given me. I felt I had to return it. Surely this was something precious to Yui-san.

Instead, I had also imbued that necklace with a wish. May Yui-san’s life from now on be filled with happiness. I intended to return it, pouring all my feelings into it. To her heart.

“It’s something precious, isn’t it? I’m returning it to Yui-san.”

“…It’s alright. I gave it to you in the first place.”

“Then, I’ll give it to you… Yui-san. Please keep it forever. I beg you.”

Saying that, I placed the necklace into Yui-san’s hand. She silently stared down at it, resting in her palm.

“…Yui-san, thank you for everything this past year. I’m glad I met you. Thank you.”

My voice trembled just a little, but I managed to say it through gritted teeth and bowed my head. As I started to step out the front door, I was suddenly pulled back with a tight, strong hug from behind.

“…Yui?”

“…Yes.”

“I really must go now. I’ll miss my flight.”

“…Yes.”

I felt a deep, warm ache in my heart as Yui clung to me, her whole body pleading, I don’t want to let you go. Slowly, I turned around.
I stood on tiptoe and kissed Yui-san’s lips. Thank you, Yui-san, for teaching me about love.

“…Whenever you feel like it, come back. I’ll wait for you forever and ever.”

Would she really wait for me? This incredibly popular girl, hugging a seal plushie, thinking only of me.

　A smile slipped out despite myself. For some reason, I felt it wasn’t a lie.

“…Right then, I’m off.”

I murmured it without thinking. Off I go, I said. I’d already made up my mind, I had no intention of returning, yet habits formed over a year were frightening, I thought.

“Mm… Take care.”

Yui smiled faintly and saw me off like that. I stepped out the front door and closed it behind me. Fighting back tears that threatened to spill, I pulled my suitcase along.

I met Yuri at the station, and we chatted about trivial things on the way to the airport. Even though it was called studying abroad, I only intended to stay for a year, until Yui-san graduated. After that, I planned to return to Japan and live alone. I hadn’t told Yui-san that, though.

“Let me know if you get a British gentleman boyfriend? Oh, girlfriend’s fine too.”

“I won’t. I’ve no interest in romance.”

“Don’t they say the cure for heartbreak is to fall in love again?”

“It’s alright not to forget.”

Yes, it’s alright not to forget. Rather, I don’t want to forget. Over this past year, it seemed I’d grown far fonder of Yui-san than I’d realised.
　I may be pulling back physically, but I never said I’d pull back emotionally. I’ll keep liking her. Probably forever.

“Yuri, if you ever have the money and time, come visit. I’ll show you around London.”

“Right. I’ll work hard to save up my part-time wages.”

“I’ll be waiting. Ah, I’m going to miss you. I wish I could’ve seen Ritsu-san one last time too.”

“Ritsu-san said she was going to see Ichinose-senpai today. Said she was worried.”

Ritsu-san really is thorough, following up like that. It truly was a year where so many people looked out for me.

“Well then, thank you for seeing me off. Take care.”

“Yeah, you take care too, Kanata.”

I waved to Yuri in front of the security checkpoint. Once I passed through the gate, I wouldn’t see Yui-san again. Truthfully, I hesitated just a little, but I swallowed that feeling and kept walking.

It’ll be alright. Shachi-kun is in my suitcase, and I’ve got the earrings Yui-san gave me in both ears. I’ve brought every single memory I don’t want to forget.

　The plane took off, flying straight towards the blue sky. As it pierced through the pure white clouds, I felt an overwhelming longing for Yui-san.

Strange. I thought I’d be fine. Why does it make me so sad? I thought I could endure anything for Yui-san’s sake.

The tears overflowed, unstoppable. I cried on and on, without caring who saw, until I felt satisfied.

　And so, the relationship between Yui and me came to an end. Though I’m not even sure if I can call it ‘ended’.
After all, we weren’t lovers, so perhaps it never even truly began.

I don’t know how long it will take before I can laugh about this. It might be years, or it might be decades.

But if we ever meet again someday, I hope you’ll be happy enough that I can believe today’s choice wasn’t a mistake.

　Years later, I could never have imagined fate would bring me and Yui-san together once more — at that moment, I had no way of knowing.