Episode Fifty: I Love You
Once the last box was packed, the room I’d used this past year looked entirely, emptily bare.
A full year of living here meant a fair amount of accumulated belongings, and packing it all up took until the night before I was set to leave.
After that day, I’d submitted a leave of absence to the university. Once things were arranged, I planned to enroll at a university in England as a study-abroad transfer.
Explaining the situation to my part-time job, the owner, Hayakawa-kun, and Amasaki-san had all looked genuinely sorry to see me go, and even threw me a small farewell gathering.
That café was somewhere I truly loved. The owner told me to come back and work there again once I returned from studying abroad, and though I felt guilty for quitting so suddenly, it eased something in me, just a little.
Once I’d finished packing my room, I picked up the orca and seal plushies that had been sitting side by side in the living room. Precious plushies, gifts from Yui-san.
Just as I went to tuck them into my suitcase, Yui-san’s hand caught mine, stopping me.
“…You’re taking both of them with you?”
I looked up at Yui-san, clearly displeased. Without thinking, I hugged both plushies tight to my chest and put some distance between us.
“I mean, these two… they’re mine. You gave them to me.”
I sent her a resentful look, half daring her to suggest I leave them behind. These two, no. Absolutely not. They’re memories of Yui-san — I’ll never let them go.
“One’s enough, isn’t it? Leave the orca.”
“…No.”
“Please.”
“No. These two are friends. Wouldn’t it be sad, splitting them up?”
“Me being split up from you is far sadder. Please, I’m begging you.”
After a back-and-forth that felt almost like divorced parents fighting over custody, Yui-san swiftly plucked the orca right out of my arms.
“Ah!”
“I’ll hold him and pretend it’s you when I sleep. Give me the orca.”
“…If we’re assigning roles, wouldn’t it make more sense for you to be the orca and me the seal…”
Predator-prey dynamics, I started to say to myself, and felt embarrassed halfway through. Yui-san laughed, said then let’s trade, took the seal from my arms, and handed the orca back to me in exchange.
Fine, whatever. Once she said something like hold him and pretend it’s you, I couldn’t bring myself to take him back. Sorry, little orca, little seal, I apologized silently in my heart, and while I tucked him into the suitcase, Yui-san carried the seal off to her own room.
Since then, I’d tried, as much as I could, to spend our days just as we always had. Calling my mother to explain, she hadn’t even asked for the reason — just told me to do whatever I thought was best.
“Yui-san, could you send this box for me later? It’d help a lot.”
“…Yeah, got it.”
Returning from her room, I pointed to the box and told her, and Yui-san smiled, a lonely smile.
“Hey, Kanata, you’re done packing, right? There’s still time, let’s watch a movie together.”
She said it, clearly trying to shift the mood. Yui-san, unlike me, has always been the type who can move forward, unburdened. I’m sure she’ll be able to keep walking ahead.
I nodded yes to the offer, and Yui-san smiled, happy.
Usually she lets me choose what we watch, but today, unusually, Yui-san insisted, “I really want to watch this one today,” and wouldn’t budge.
The movie she’d picked wasn’t really her usual genre, and I tilted my head, puzzled.
But I understood, soon enough, exactly why she’d chosen it.
“Yui-san, this movie’s almost four hours long…”
“That’s fine, once in a while. It’ll be good, probably.”
She said it and wrapped her arm tight around my stomach, pulling me close. Honestly, I said, but let myself be held anyway, playing idly with her hand.
Something felt slightly off, and I looked closely at her hand. Her nails, always kept perfectly smooth and rounded, had grown out, unusually, just slightly.
The content of the movie probably didn’t matter to either of us. I’m sure we were both thinking the exact same thing.
I want to stay together longer. I wish tomorrow would never come. Even though I’d chosen this myself, there were nights I couldn’t sleep, wondering if this had really been the right choice.
On nights like that, I’d slip silently into Yui-san’s room, and, without a word, she’d hold me and let me sleep in her arms.
Held in that warmth, fondness would well up in me, and I could convince myself, again — this choice wasn’t wrong.
For someone I love this much, I can endure anything. However painful it might be.
The nearly four-hour epic turned out to be, honestly, thoroughly boring. I think Yui-san felt exactly the same. But neither of us stopped it, even once the credits started rolling.
Yui-san nuzzled affectionately against my neck. A cool sensation reached me immediately, and I realized — she was crying.
“Yui-san, are you crying? …Was there really a part that moving?”
I said it, teasing, and my own tears spilled over too, falling in a small drop onto her hand.
“…You’re crying too, Kanata.”
Yui-san pointed it out, laughing, just slightly. Turning to face each other, we both laughed.
Her gentle thumb wiped my tears away. Then she kissed my eyelid, my cheek, one after another, and I wrapped my arms tight around her neck.
“…Yui-san.”
“Mm.”
“I love you.”
“…Yeah. I love you too, Kanata.”
She pulled me in close by the waist, our bodies pressed flush together. Held tight enough to steal my breath, I found her arms unbearably precious.
*
The next day. I turned down Yui-san’s offer to drive me to the airport, saying “Yuuri’s seeing me off instead.”
I know I’d only find it harder to let go. Know I’d only want to stay. So I’d decided, from the start — we’d say goodbye right here, in this house.
“Yui-san, this…”
I said it, and, remembering, reached behind my neck and unclasped the necklace. The one Yui-san had given me. I’d thought — I need to return it. Something this precious surely belongs to her.
In exchange, I’d poured a wish of my own into that necklace. May your life, from here on, be a happy one. With everything I had, I wanted to give it back. To her heart.
“This is precious to you, isn’t it? I’m giving it back, Yui-san.”
“…No, keep it. That’s yours now.”
“Then, this time, I’m giving it to you. Please, keep wearing it. Please.”
I said it and pressed the necklace into her hand. Yui-san stared down, silent, at the necklace resting in her palm.
“…Yui-san, thank you for this whole year. I’m so glad I met you. Thank you, for everything.”
My voice shook, just slightly, but I managed to get it out, and bowed my head. Just as I turned to step out the entryway, I was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace from behind.
“…Yui-san?”
“…Mm.”
“I really have to go. I’ll miss my flight.”
“…Mm.”
I don’t want to let you go — her whole body seemed to say it, and something deep inside me went warm, aching. Slowly, I turned back around.
Rising on my toes, I kissed her lips, gently. Yui-san — thank you, for teaching me what it means to fall in love.
“…Come back, anytime you feel like it. I’ll be waiting for you. For as long as it takes.”
Would she really wait? Someone this endlessly popular, hugging a seal plushie, thinking only of me?
A smile spilled out of me, unbidden. Somehow, I believed it wasn’t a lie.
“…Alright, I’m heading out.”
I found myself saying it, without even meaning to. I’m heading out — as if I intended to come back. I’d already made up my mind, never planning to return, and yet, I thought, a whole year of habit is a frightening thing.
“Yeah… take care out there.”
Yui-san smiled, soft, and saw me off with that. I stepped out the entryway and closed the door. Fighting to hold back tears threatening to spill, I dragged my suitcase forward.
Yuuri was waiting at the station, and we made idle conversation on the way to the airport. Even calling it “studying abroad,” I only planned to stay a year, until Yui-san graduated. After that, I meant to come back to Japan and live on my own again. I hadn’t told Yui-san that part.
“Let me know if you get an English gentleman boyfriend, okay? Or girlfriend, that’s fine too.”
“Not happening, I’m not looking for romance.”
“Don’t they always say the next relationship is what helps you forget heartbreak?”
“I don’t want to forget.”
Right — I don’t need to forget. If anything, I don’t want to. This past year, it seems, I’d fallen for Yui-san far more deeply than I ever realized myself.
My body’s pulling away, but I never said my heart would too. I’ll keep loving her. Probably, for a long time yet to come.
“You should come visit too, Yuuri, if you’ve got the money and time. I’ll show you around London.”
“Got it. I’ll start saving up my paycheck.”
“I’ll be waiting. Ahh, I’m going to miss this. I wish I could’ve seen Ritsu-san one last time too.”
“Ritsu-san said she was heading to Ichinose-senpai’s place today. Said she was worried.”
Ritsu-san, ever reliable, even handling the aftercare. Genuinely, so many people took care of me this past year.
*
“Well then, thanks for seeing me off. Take care.”
“Yeah, you take care too, Kanata.”
I waved to Yuuri in front of the security checkpoint. Once I passed through the gate, I wouldn’t see Yui-san again. A small hesitation gripped me, but I swallowed the feeling down and kept walking.
It’s fine. I’ve got the orca with me in my suitcase, and both my ears carry the earrings Yui-san gave me. Every memory I didn’t want to lose, I brought with me, every last one.
*
The plane lifted off, climbing straight into the blue sky. Breaking through the pure white clouds, I missed Yui-san with an ache I couldn’t do anything about.
Strange. I’d thought I was fine. Why does it hurt this much? I’d thought I could endure anything, for Yui-san’s sake.
The tears wouldn’t stop, overflowing. I let myself cry, without a care for anyone watching, until I’d cried myself out completely.
*
And so, my relationship with Yui-san came to an end. I don’t even know if “ended” is the right word.
Because we were never actually a couple — maybe it never even properly began.
I don’t know how long it’ll take before I can talk about all this and laugh. Maybe a few years. Maybe a few decades.
But if we ever meet again, someday, I hope you’ll be happy enough that I can look back and know — this choice, today, wasn’t a mistake.
*
A few years later, I would come to have a fated reunion with Yui-san once again — but at this moment, I had no way of knowing that yet.