Episode 82: I’m Not Aware of Being Jealous

On a certain day in November, the wind had grown thoroughly cold, whipping through the fallen leaves of the street trees.
I was sitting across from Mitsuya-san in a private room at an izakaya during its lunch service.

The reason we found ourselves in this situation was that — this morning, out of the blue — Mitsuya-san had invited me to lunch. It was the first time since I’d become Yui-san’s secretary.

　When I asked Yui-san if it was alright to go, she said, “Of course it is,” so I left the president’s office at twelve sharp, carrying only my purse.

That was already several tens of minutes ago.

And yet, it was Mitsuya-san who had invited me.

After solemnly and silently polishing off her pork cutlet set meal, even after finishing, Mitsuya-san remained completely silent.

　I’d never seen her like this before, and honestly, I was a bit flustered. She lowered her slanted eyes, looking troubled, and sighed deeply. Then, she started picking up each shred of the free-refill cabbage with her chopsticks and putting it into her mouth, one by one.

　This… Perhaps I should be the one to start the conversation? Or is she waiting to be asked?

Not to boast, but I’m certainly not the most skilled listener. But Mitsuya-san right now was simply… simply too much.
This was getting nowhere. Reluctantly, as if testing the waters, I opened my mouth.

“Um, Mitsuya-san. Did you invite me out today because something happened…?”

At that question, Mitsuya-san suddenly looked up, her eyes wide with surprise.

“Eh? How did you know…?”

No, no, no, it would be strange if I didn’t know, I started to say, but I clamped my mouth shut. Because Mitsuya-san isn’t usually this quiet, is she?
　She’s straightforward, cheerful, quick to move on — she shouldn’t be the type to dwell on things.

What on earth could be troubling her this much?

“Um, if you’d like, I’m happy to listen.”

She lowered her eyebrows apologetically, set down her chopsticks, and cleared her throat softly.

“…Aosawa-chan, sorry. Would it be alright if I had a cigarette?”

White smoke curled and drifted upwards from the lit end of the cigarette towards the ceiling. With a click, she closed the silver lighter’s lid. Mitsuya-san closed her eyes and exhaled a deep, deep breath of white smoke, as if sighing.
Still holding the cigarette in her mouth, she crumpled the box and shoved it into her jacket pocket. Then, once more, she looked straight at me with those sharp, slanted eyes.

“…Is smoking actually enjoyable?”

The question, one I needn’t have asked, slipped out.
Because just moments ago, she’d seemed anxious, yet the instant she took that drag, her expression softened slightly.

“…It’s not about enjoyment. It’s beyond that. Honestly, I couldn’t manage without it. I couldn’t live. Even if a pack cost over a thousand yen, I’d keep smoking.”

Hearing her say it so earnestly, I couldn’t help but laugh. Over a thousand yen, huh.
I’ve never felt the urge to smoke myself, but I do feel sorry for smokers, always having to squeeze it in wherever they can. I mean, Mitsuya-san, you even bring an umbrella on days when it’s pouring down to go up to the roof for a smoke.

“So, what happened?”

I asked, taking a sip of the iced tea I’d ordered after the meal. Mitsuya-san looked a bit hesitant.

“Well, no, nothing really happened. I just wanted to ask something. Aosawa-chan’s boyfriend… he’s rich, right?”

“Eh?”

Why does she know that? I racked my brains, trying to recall. Come to think of it, we did talk about it at the beer garden we went to celebrate the new business’ success.

“Um, yes. …Yes.”

　As she said, Yui-san is wealthy. And not just a little bit wealthy. That much is true, and there’s no need to deny it, so I nodded honestly.
But why was she asking?

“I see. …What sort of person is Aosawa-chan’s boyfriend?”

Her piercingly intense gaze. That look seemed to be searching for some answer within this question. For some reason, it felt like she was looking at someone else, not me.
　What sort of person, you ask. I fold my arms, picturing my beloved lover’s face as I ponder.

I recall Hayakawa-kun asking me the same thing long ago. Back then, I’m sure I described Yui-san as “incredibly kind, but a bit sly.”
The impression I have of Yui-san now has changed slightly from how I saw her back then.

“…they’re incredibly kind and truly wonderful.”

When I try to describe Yui-san to someone, these words are all I can think of now.
My cheeks relax naturally. My lover is the most wonderful person in this world. I genuinely believe that no matter how far you search the entire universe, you won’t find anyone better than Yui-san.

Without teasing me particularly for gushing, Mitsuya-san smiled faintly, as if suddenly relaxed.

“Aosawa-chan, you really like him, don’t you?”

Not him, her — I corrected myself silently before nodding honestly.
Mitsuya-san took a cigarette between her fingertips, placed it between her lips, and drew deeply. The tip glowed red with a hiss.

Smoke filled the private room. It felt as though I were enveloped in her sigh.
　Just like this smoke, her heart must surely be wavering too. It seemed somehow incredibly fragile, precarious.

“So, what if, for example, that boyfriend wasn’t rich… then what?”

Her eyes, asking me that question, held a glimmer of unease. It wasn’t like her, usually so strong-willed. Those words felt like something she wanted to ask someone else, not me.

　I didn’t know who that someone was, but somehow I understood.
Mitsuya-san must be in love with someone right now.

“Nothing, really. I don’t think having money or not affects how much I want to be with someone.”

Not just lip service, but genuinely. When I stated it plainly, Mitsuya-san smiled and stubbed out her now very short cigarette in the ashtray.

“Yeah, well, I suppose you would say that, Aosawa…”

“Does Mitsuya-san’s lover have no money? Or are they perhaps terribly in debt?”

I didn’t think she was the type to fall for someone like that… but you never know.
She widened her narrowed eyes just a little, then laughed, “No, it’s not that. They’re not my lover to begin with.”

　Not a boyfriend. So it must be unrequited love then. I wonder what kind of person Mitsuya-san is in love with.

“…Apparently, she wants to marry a rich man.”

She said it with a distant look in her eyes, and my chest tightened painfully.

“…Did she… tell you that?”

I frowned involuntarily as I asked.

It wasn’t said directly to me… but she’d been saying it for a while… She lacks confidence, I suppose. Honestly, she doesn’t really know what she wants or what she wants to become.

Not understanding your own feelings about yourself… I’ve felt that way too. Though it was a long time ago now.

For a while, I was bewildered and couldn’t admit that I’d fallen for Yui-san. All because, back then, Yui-san had publicly declared she ‘wouldn’t have a girlfriend’.
　I took quite a roundabout route myself. I buried my feelings, made up all sorts of excuses, and even though my heart was screaming that I liked her, I kept pretending not to see it for a very, very long time.

It took me months to admit I liked her, so I understand Mitsuya-san’s feelings all too well, painfully so.
Even if your head knows it’s someone you shouldn’t fall for, your heart won’t listen. It’s not about logic, you see.

　I’m sure Mitsuya-san must feel the same now as I did back then.
If I could speak to my past self now… what could I say to help her choose a path without regret?

“…Mitsuya-san.”

I called her name softly. Her eyes, usually so steady, looked at me uncertainly.

“Before I started seeing my current partner, I actually made a huge mistake.”

“A huge mistake?”

“…I couldn’t be honest with my own feelings. I didn’t really want to leave, but I was terrified I might ruin the other person’s life… so I ran away. At the time, I genuinely believed it was the best course of action.”

I couldn’t bring myself to be selfish. I didn’t even try to resist. Back then, I was… a coward.

“But… what awaited me afterwards was hellish days. Even now, I think… if only I hadn’t chickened out and searched for a way to stay together back then.”

I clenched my palm tightly. If Yui hadn’t kept me in her thoughts, I’d surely still be left alone, abandoned at the very bottom of the deep, deep sea.

“I don’t know what kind of person Mitsuya-san likes… but you really ought to face your own feelings more simply. If you like them, then you like them. Isn’t that alright?”

Life is a one-time-only affair, and lost time cannot be rewound. Whether one has always made the best choices is something only known after the fact.
That is precisely why I now believe that being true to one’s feelings is the path to the fewest regrets.

When I stated it plainly, Mitsuya-san gave a soft, fleeting smile.

“…Aosawa-chan, thank you. Somehow, I feel a bit lighter now.”

　Love comes in many shapes and forms, as varied as the people who experience it. The worries may never end, but for every painful feeling overcome, happier days await.

I found myself hoping that would be true for Mitsuya-san too.

Afterwards, saying “I invited you, after all,” Mitsuya-san treated me to lunch. Feeling somewhat indebted, I accepted her offer, and we walked together back to the office.

　We looked up at the street trees, their leaves scattered by the wind, their branches nearly bare. Winter was drawing near.
Feeling a chill, I wrapped my arms around myself. Noticing this, Mitsuya-san peered at my face and smiled.

“Aosawa-chan, you look cold in such light clothes.”

“Yes, I am. I hadn’t expected it to be this cold.”

“It wouldn’t do for the president’s secretary to catch a cold, would it? I’ll lend you my jacket for today.”

Saying that, Mitsuya-san took a cigarette and lighter from the jacket she was wearing and draped it over my shoulders.

“It’s alright, you’ll catch a cold, Mitsuya-san.”

“Me? Ah, it’s fine. I’ve got a cardigan at the office.”

“…Are you really sure?”

“It’s fine — just bring it back when you leave.”

Since Mitsuya-san said so, I decided to take her up on her offer. The jacket she’d been wearing was warm and faintly scented with tobacco.

After parting ways with Mitsuya-san, who headed for the rooftop saying she’d have another cigarette, I made my way to the president’s office. In the corridor, I bumped straight into Seno-san.

　After giving me a once-over, she asked, “Were you with Kaori?”
Somehow, Seno-san had started calling Mitsuya-san by her first name. It warmed my heart to see how much closer they’d become while I was away.

Seno-san, who always brought her own lunch, was carrying a cute lunch tote in one hand. She looked like she was on her way back from the break room.

“Yes, she invited me to lunch… so I went out to eat.”

“…Hmm, I see. That’s Kaori’s jacket, isn’t it?”

“Eh? Oh, yes. I said I was cold, and she lent it to me. Mitsuya-san is kind, isn’t she?”

“Well, yes. She is kind to her cute junior, Aosawa-san. Not to me at all, though.”

Saying that, Seno-san let out a small sigh. Finding it odd, I looked up at her slightly taller frame, and Seno-san grinned, narrowing her eyes.

“That jacket… I wonder if it’s alright. I won’t be responsible if she gets jealous, you know?”

“Eh…?”

Jealous? What did she mean? Before I could ask, Seno-san waved flutteringly and was gone, leaving me tilting my head.

Who would be jealous of me borrowing Mitsuya-san’s jacket? Sure, it wouldn’t be strange if someone in the company liked Mitsuya-san… but would they really notice this was her jacket so easily?

Pondering that, I opened the door to the president’s office.