Episode Two

I don’t want to get out of bed.

I don’t know when I fell asleep last night, but I think the window was already growing light the last time I looked. I didn’t go without sleep entirely, but I barely slept at all.

I peeled away the covers that felt heavier than usual and dragged my body out toward the living room. Today even opening doors feels like too much effort.

“…What is this.”

On the table sat my portion of breakfast and a small slip of paper, set there alone.

Good morning. I’ve made the soup you like, so warm it up and eat when you’re hungry. I may be late, so don’t worry about dinner.

“…!”

Selene’s note had gone crumpled in my small hands before I realised. The carefully written letters, so like her, were now bent out of shape.

This isn’t the kind of consideration I wanted. Selene got up early, prepared my food, and went out to take a commission. I slept until this hour, and I have nothing ahead of me for the rest of the day.

“…Usually it’s the other way around.”

I have to face Selene again properly.

When she comes home, I’ll talk to her again. She doesn’t take commissions two days running, so tomorrow should be a day off, and we can talk properly then.

I have no appetite, but leaving what she made feels wrong. I forced the breakfast down somehow and made my way back to bed on unsteady feet.

I don’t know how much time passed after that. By the time I noticed, the room had gone completely dark. I couldn’t summon the will to light a lamp and lay there hugging the stuffed animals from the pillow to my chest.

She should have been home by now. I don’t know what commission she took, but I’d been anxious and unsettled the whole day.

What if she’s hurt. What if she’s lost her way.

I want to go and find her right now, but I have no idea where she is. The guild might know, but she should be back soon.

Maybe she’s happily chatting with Becky. When I’m there she tends to hold back, but Selene must have things she wants to talk about with someone else too.

Even thinking that, the tightness in my chest doesn’t ease. As time passed, it only seemed to grow.

“…Idiot.”

Another murmured word to no one, I’ve lost count of how many. I was stroking the stuffed animals one by one when my body reacted on instinct to a sound from the entrance.

“Selene!!”

I flew out of bed and ran to the entrance. The body that had felt so heavy a moment ago now felt light enough to take flight.

What met my eyes was the same robes as always, the same long silver hair. I’d been with her only yesterday, and yet it felt as though I was seeing her after a very long time.

“W, welcome home… You’re not hurt?”

I asked it in a murmur, eyes turned away. It should be getting cooler recently, and yet my face felt oddly hot.

“…I’m home. I’m not hurt.”

“I’m glad I can see your face.”

My cheeks were loosening at the clear voice when I was pulled against her chest almost immediately. A slightly quick heartbeat reached me. Was that hers or mine.

So warm and settling.

And yet something feels wrong. I’ve been wanting to touch her and feel her warmth since yesterday, and now that I have it — something is different.

She gently drew my face away from her, then slipped off her boots and moved quickly past me.

The palm that had nowhere left to go hung alone in the air. The murky, unsettled feeling in my chest wouldn’t clear, and the sound of her retreating footsteps stayed strangely loud in my ears.

Nothing is wrong, I think. She must be tired too, and want to rest. I understand that.

And yet, to me, Selene passing by and moving away felt as though she was disappearing somewhere I couldn’t follow.

“H, hey. Tomorrow’s a day off, right?”

Her back, turned to me, seemed to shift for just a moment.

“After your bath is fine. Can we… talk a little?”

My voice came out softer, more like myself than yesterday. I think I could talk more calmly now than I could then.

“Sorry, I have a commission planned tomorrow too. I’m tired today, so I’m going straight to sleep.”

She said it in a voice that was somehow sunken, and left the living room.

“…I see.”

A small voice drifted into the now-empty living room.

We can talk properly tomorrow. The day after should be a day off, and I’ll take my time then. That’s fine. No need to rush.

“…None of this makes sense.”

The force in my clenched fist tightened.

Whether what’s been churning in me this whole time is frustration, or something else entirely, I can’t tell. I cast a clinging gaze toward the bathroom where sounds still echoed, then made my way back to my room on heavy feet.

◇

The weather is good today. Under a sky spreading endlessly blue, anything you did would feel pleasant, I imagine.

I would have lost my mind staying cooped up in the house again today, so it was the right call to go out. I’ve done the cleaning too, so I can enjoy the capital without guilt.

That’s what I tell myself, but my gaze stays fixed on the toes of my boots, and I can’t bring myself to look up at the sky.

Wandering the capital with my eyes down and nowhere particular in mind, I ended up on the small-goods street I recognised.

Variety shops with distinctive trinkets and stuffed animals, clothing shops with colourful, eye-catching things in the windows. This street is bright, and everyone passing through it looks colourful and happy.

What must I look like, standing here on this same street. Maybe I alone have lost my colour, turned monochrome while everything around me stays bright.

“…Boring.”

It was so much fun that time. This street, it seems, isn’t somewhere you can enjoy alone.

I passed by the accessory shop we’d gone into together without stopping, and let my drifting feet carry me away from the small-goods street.

By the time I noticed, the crowds had thinned considerably. I’d moved away from the noisy centre and found myself at the edge of the city.

A familiar shopfront caught my eye, and I pressed my back teeth together.

I’d been wandering with nowhere to go, I’d told myself — but where I was headed must have been decided from the start.

On the small-goods street we looked round all sorts of shops together, bought matching pendants. Then we walked here hand in hand.

That day, even just walking was fun. Now I feel nothing.

I thought about going in for a rest, but even that feels like too much effort now. Just watching couples walk by hand in hand is enough to make my chest hurt.

I let out a long breath and walked quickly away from the café at the edge of the city.

No lunch, no rest. By the time I noticed, I was home. In a house for two, only one pair of footsteps sounded.

If I’d gone all the way to that hill, I thought I might come apart, and so my feet couldn’t carry me that far.

I’d gone out to clear my head and only ended up more breathless than before. Going on like this, feeling like this — I know for certain I can’t.

“…Selene.”

I really am losing my mind, it seems.

Yesterday and today, I haven’t used magic, so there’s been no supply either. I don’t even have to be the Black Witch anymore, so I can walk through the city with my sunken face showing. This should have been exactly the life I wanted.

And yet right now I want to be with Selene. For that, using magic doesn’t seem so bad, and being the Black Witch doesn’t feel like something I’d mind.

“…!, u… uu…”

Tears falling for no reason I understand were soaking the pillow. Crying alone, it seems, means no one comes to hold you.

What on earth has happened to me.