Episode 2: The Day My Heart Vanished

I’ve ended up on the rooftop again.

It must be around two o’clock.

Today, I have cram school from six to nine. What comes after that is depressing… I don’t want to go home. Both my father and mother are there. Yet, even if I return, there’s no voice greeting me with “Welcome home.”

I am an unwelcome presence in that house.

　I stand at the edge of the roof once more. One step forward would bring relief. Relief is within reach, yet somehow that step feels unbearably heavy.

“Haa…”

I step back, lean against the roof wall, and gaze up at the sky again. There seems to be no PE class now, and the wind is calm, so it’s very quiet, with no particular sounds to be heard.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

　I feel a little remorseful for what I did to Mai. I’m not sure if it’s about lying to her, or because she looked so sad when I turned her down.

Still, I don’t feel like apologising. To be precise, it’s more accurate to say I can’t face people to apologise, exchange opinions, or enjoy things together.

I think a part of my emotions, no, a very important part, is missing.

I’m so fed up with myself that I’ve avoided interacting with people as much as possible.

　In high school, I didn’t join any clubs, focusing solely on my studies. Since most people make friends through club activities, in that sense, Mai might be a very precious presence.

I should value her more.

Even though I understand that rationally, it’s incredibly difficult and I end up stuck.

Surely, it’s my family’s fault I’ve become like this.

No, that’s not right.

It’s all my fault, for being such a failure.

　From the outside, my family must seem perfectly content. Father is a doctor, mother a homemaker, and I have an exceptionally capable older sister four years my senior.

When I was around primary school age, we were all genuinely close.

Father had a demanding job, but he made time for family whenever he could, and Mother cherished us deeply.

　Mother was an incredibly kind person. I still remember how, on days I came home crying after falling over, she’d stroke my head until I stopped crying, even though I was such a bother.

Looking back now, I think we were happy.

Father wished for one of us to become a doctor and take over his hospital. Either sister could have been the successor. Once compulsory education began, both parents taught us diligently.

　My sister was exceptionally bright from a young age. She entered the most prestigious high school in the prefecture and went on to study medicine at a university renowned for attracting highly capable students.

I, on the other hand, wasn’t particularly gifted academically.

No matter how hard I tried, I could barely scrape an average mark in primary school tests. Yet my parents encouraged me, saying there was always next time. They sent me to cram school despite my young age and tutored me themselves.

I tried my best to live up to their expectations, but my situation remained unchanged.

　When I was in sixth grade, my sister passed her high school entrance exams and got into a good school.

Around that time, my parents’ attitude towards me began to change. They stopped tutoring me or telling me to become a doctor.

At the time, I felt relieved, thinking I no longer had to try so hard. But reality soon hit me hard, proving that was a mistake.

One day in sixth grade, I came home to find the house pitch black and empty. My mother was always home when I returned, so I felt a little confused as I stepped inside.

When I switched on the living room light, I found a note and a convenience store bento waiting for me. I hurried over to the table.

‘Warm it up and eat it.’

Feeling uneasy in this unfamiliar situation, I decided to wait for everyone to come home. Around 9 pm, I heard the door open. I jumped out of bed and headed for the entrance.

“Welcome home…?”

The three of them beamed, not even glancing my way. As I stood frozen for a moment, Mum said, “Hoshizora, have you eaten? It’s late now, you should go to bed.” She was her usual smiling self. But something felt off.

“Um… where were you all?”

I asked the question, wanting to know yet dreading the answer.

“It was the day Mayo took her first big step in life. We went out for a celebratory meal.”

Why…? Why wasn’t I taken along…?

Should I become more like my sister?

Would getting full marks on tests be enough?

I couldn’t understand the reason at all. Because I didn’t understand, I threw myself into studying. I thought that if I cancelled all my plans with friends and just studied, something good would surely happen.

　Yet, as if to say my efforts were futile, my parents stopped talking to me much. They spoke only when absolutely necessary and provided food, clothing, and shelter. But nothing more.

Driven solely by the desire to have happy conversations with my family again, I aimed for the same high school as my sister. I foolishly believed that if I got in, they would surely engage with me again.

But the result was cruel.

　I failed the entrance exam spectacularly and enrolled in my safety school. I was devastated, despairing at my failure to meet my parents’ expectations.

I vowed to them both that I would absolutely get into a good university. Yet, I still cannot forget the look on my father and mother’s faces on the day the exam results were announced.

They looked at me as though I were not their child.

No matter how desperately I pleaded with them to see how hard I would work from now on, they ignored me.

　At that moment, everything went black and I apparently collapsed. Waking up on my bed in my room, I instantly recalled what had just happened. My stomach churned violently, making me feel sick and miserable.

From that day on, I lost interest in everything. I stopped feeling anything.

……………

Opening my eyes, the familiar rooftop view stretched out before me.

　—A dreadful dream. I let out a sigh.

It had been ages since I’d dreamt of those days.

I’d been trying not to think about it, but I suppose all the thinking today led to this awful dream.

My parents said they’d look after me until I finished university. But that also meant cutting ties with that house once I graduated. After university, I’d have to live on my own.

If only I could just die… it would be easier.

　If I died, would my family truly grieve? No, even living at home, I was treated as if I didn’t exist. Probably nothing would change.

I still sometimes wonder what I should have done. But I don’t think I could have done any more than I did back then.

　I faced my parents, pleading with them to watch over me, saying I would try my best.

It was my parents who turned their eyes away from me.

…………

But the reason they turned away was because I was no good. I hate myself for only being able to blame my parents for my own failings, and I feel like I don’t want to exist anywhere in this world.

Ever since I lost the ability to face my parents properly, I’ve become afraid to face anyone seriously.

　Today, I spend much time dwelling on things I’d rather not think about.

Now, if I could…

Before I knew it, I was standing at the edge of the rooftop once more.

My foot steps forward.

The foot lifts off the ground… This will end everything.