Episode 8: I Can’t Go Back to a Daily Life Without Nana

After that, the distance between Mizuki and me closed even more rapidly.
It felt like a lie that we hadn’t even been friends for the past two years.

Though we still didn’t talk in class, I became addicted to spending afternoons with Mizuki.

Today too, after picking up Tasuku from nursery with Mizuki, the two of us… no, the three of us headed to the second-hand shop.
　I still hadn’t quite got used to counting a baby as one person.

“I need a chair to sit Tasuku on, you see. I’m not as deft as mum at holding him and feeding him solids. Tried it the other day, but ended up with porridge all over my T-shirt – absolute nightmare.”

I laughed at Mizuki’s exasperated expression.

Baby food, eh.
　I thought babies just drank milk for about a year, but apparently not.
Obviously, I’m clueless about parenting.

We passed through the thrift shop’s automatic doors. The air-conditioned interior was cool.
Coming from the muggy heat outside, it felt like heaven.

Whenever I’d come to thrift shops before, I’d always head straight for the games and manga sections. This was my first time visiting the corner packed with baby goods.

　Seeing it like this, the atmosphere feels completely different even within the same shop.

“I’d love to buy him new things, but we’re short on cash. Thrift shops are brilliant for saving money. That mobile on Tasuku’s bed costs over ten thousand yen new… Ta-dah! Look! Here it’s only two thousand!”

Mizuki pointed at the price tag stuck on a large box, beaming.

“Wow, cheap!”

“See? I can afford this even with my pocket money.”

“Eh? You’re buying Tasuku’s toys with your pocket money?”

“Yeah. It’s a secret from Mum. I don’t really play with any friends besides Nana anyway, and just saving it all up seems such a waste.”

“Huh…”

“I don’t really play with any friends besides Nana.”

　I chewed those words over in my mind. I shouldn’t be pleased, but I was. I could feel my mouth relaxing into a slow, slow smile.
To hide it, I turned away from Mizuki towards the opposite shelf, pretending to browse the baby toys.

“Ah, there it is! Nana, that one, that yellow chair!”

My gaze slid to where Mizuki’s finger pointed.

　On the lower shelf, where prams and baby carriers were displayed, a yellow chair sat at just the right height – I could reach it if I stretched.

“Nana, Nana, get that for me.”

She grabbed my uniform sleeve and tugged it playfully as she spoke.

“Sure, no problem.”

The stiffness from before we became close had faded, and Mizuki now leaned on me without hesitation.
　It was unbearably cute and made me so happy that I wanted to do anything for her.
The time had finally come to make use of my tall stature, inherited from my mother, a former flight attendant.
At my last health check-up, my height had finally reached 169 centimetres.
It was a bit surprising that I was still growing, even though my period had come relatively early.

　The rate of growth has been slowing down year by year, but since Mum is at least 170cm tall, I reckon I might still grow a bit more.
Though, if I’m honest, I kind of hope I stop somewhere in the 160cm range.

Standing on tiptoes, I reached up and grabbed the yellow chair with my fingertips. It felt lighter than I’d expected, and had a slightly squishy feel to it.

Handing the chair to Mizuki, she checked the price tag, which was stuck on with tape, and smiled happily.

¥1,900 excluding tax.

Whether that’s expensive or cheap, I couldn’t say, but judging by Mizuki’s expression, I reckon it’s probably a bargain.

It wasn’t small enough to fit in a plastic bag, so I carried the yellow chair in my hands as we walked back to Mizuki’s house.
Two high school girls with a baby were quite conspicuous. People stared as we passed by, but Mizuki walked with her head held high, completely unfazed by the attention.

　Mizuki is surprisingly bold for her appearance.
Just like in class, she shows absolutely no sign of caring how others see her.
It’s amazing. I’m always afraid to reveal my true self, living in constant fear of others’ eyes.
Even in adversity, Mizuki shines so brightly it’s almost dazzling.

　Even as evening fell, the temperature stubbornly refused to drop, and it remained hot. As soon as they got home, Mizuki was earnestly trying to get Tasuku to drink some weak barley tea from a straw cup, worried he might get heatstroke.

Most of the barley tea Tasuku sucked in ended up spilling out and running down his chin, staining the gauze handkerchief pressed against his neck a pale brown. I watched this with a warm, smiling feeling.

　Could it be… this is what having a family feels like?
Both of them were so precious, I wanted to protect them.

Before even getting a girlfriend, I found myself indulging in fantasies of becoming a couple with a girl I liked. Feeling merely giddy about it made me feel pitiful, sad, and just a little bit bitter.

　＊＊＊

“Mizuki, studying for your final exams?”

I asked as I washed baby bottles in her kitchen, as if it were my own.

“Nah, not at all. I’ve given up already.”

Mizuki said this while cradling Tasuku vertically against her shoulder, swaying gently from side to side.

“Is Nana studying?”

“Yeah, as usual.”

“Oh, right. Guess I’ll lose to Nana in the finals again then.”

“…You don’t sound the least bit upset.”

I wonder which university Mizuki wants to go to.
She probably can’t leave Tasuku, so will she end up going to a university within the prefecture after all?
I want to know, but I can’t bring myself to ask.

“…Why don’t you study while I watch Tasuku? I’ll make time for you.”

Even if it’s only a few hours, every little bit helps.
I’d rather she used the time meaningfully, not worrying about me.
That’s what I meant when I said it, but Mizuki looked slightly surprised and stared at me intently.

“…Hey, Nana, why are you so kind?”

“Am I kind?”

“You are kind. I’ve never met anyone this kind.”

It’s because I like you, Mizuki.
I can’t say it, but I grumble it inside my heart.

Just being here now, spending time with Mizuki, is enough for me. I don’t want much more.

I should be thinking that… yet I can’t stop noticing Tasuku’s drool wetting Mizuki’s blouse, making her bra straps visible through the fabric.

　I couldn’t help but avert my gaze to the far side.

“…Well, to be honest, at first, I was a little scared of Nana.”

It’s so honest, I can’t help but laugh.
No, it’s fine. I kind of sensed it anyway.
Because, Mizuki, at first, you looked at me with eyes that were absolutely terrified.

　On the day of the entrance ceremony. When I first spoke to Mizuki, she was already quite close to the carefree, innocent girl she is now.

Back then, I hadn’t dyed my hair yet, and my uniform wasn’t as scruffily worn as it is now, so perhaps she felt comfortable enough to talk to me naturally without being scared.
Mizuki seems to have forgotten all about ever speaking to me, though.

“Well… I do look like this, after all. It’s rather silly, isn’t it?”

I’m aware my appearance is flashy, though not quite as much as Maki’s.
Brown hair, short skirt, piercings in both ears. All against the school rules.

“Not at all. You’ve been top of the class since Year 7, haven’t you?”

I was stunned.
Had Mizuki known me since Year 7?
I was so happy I nearly wagged my tail, but I fought hard to suppress the urge.

“…Well, I suppose I am a bit of a model student.”

I gave my usual reply, placed the washed baby bottle in the sterilising case, dried my hands, and headed for the living room.

“I’ll take over looking after Tasuku. Study, sleep, do whatever you like. I’m here to see Tasuku, so don’t hold back.”

That’s a lie. The truth is, I just want to spend time with Mizuki. But I can’t say that, so I use Tasuku as an excuse.

To ease my guilt a little, I bought Tasuku a cute rattle with my pocket money the other day.

　This is a bribe.

Hey, Tasuku. I want to get closer to your big sister, so help me out here.

After I handed over the bribe with that thought, Tasuku happily squeezed and shook it for a while before flinging it onto the floor.

Given the choice between studying or sleeping, it seems the current Mizuki would opt for sleep.

　Rubbing her sleepy eyes, she lay down on the sofa. I draped a blanket over her legs, peeking out from under her skirt, to keep them warm from the air-conditioner breeze.

Then, Mizuki took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. For a moment, my heart nearly burst.

“Nana, your nails are short lately, aren’t they? They used to be long.”

“Eh, ah… yeah, that’s right. I cut them.”

It wasn’t a guilty feeling at all.
　But I didn’t know what to say and fell silent. Mizuki smiled softly, looking pleased and a bit flustered.

“It’s for Tasuku’s sake, isn’t it? Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here, Nana. You really help me out. I couldn’t go back to a daily life without you now…”

Poor Mizuki.
She truly trusts someone like me, a sly person.

I can’t say I’m visiting her with ulterior motives.

　But I also think this:
The more Mizuki relies on me, the deeper she becomes embedded in my daily life, the harder it will be for her to leave me.

When that happens, if she finds out I like her, what kind of face will she make when she looks at me?

I’m sure she’ll think something like this:

“I can’t return your feelings, but it would be a shame to let Nana go.”

　Come spring, I’ll be off to university in Tokyo.
Mizuki and I will be separated.

Can I endure these feelings until graduation?

Being together all the time makes me fear my affection might overflow.

I don’t want Mizuki to notice, yet somewhere deep down, I want her to realise how I feel. I loathe that part of myself.

　Tasuku, who had been rolling around playfully, looked up at me and smiled like an angel.

Would a baby this age smile so innocently at anyone, even if they were a murderer?

I still find that pure gaze, as if saying, “I see right through you,” a little difficult to handle.