Episode 48: Why Would You Say Something Like That?
“Alright, sales manager, you’re here. Everyone else, sit wherever.”
One week before I left for Silicon Valley, the sales department held a farewell drinking party.
At the organizer Tanaka-san’s call, people started settling into the long table one by one. I found myself reflexively searching for Hanamori.
—Our eyes met.
Diagonally across the long table, the farthest seat possible.
“Ah, Hanamori-sa—”
The moment I raised my hand, about to call out, come sit over here?—
Hanamori turned her face away and sat down between Sasaki-kun and Tamura-san. That usual sweet, calculated smile, aimed at the two of them.
A sharp sting in my chest.
“Hanamori-san, you sure you’re okay over there? Why not go catch up with your senior?”
Tamura-san teased lightly.
Nice one, Tamura-san, I thought, but only for a second.
Hanamori glanced my way briefly — then immediately dropped her eyes again. Then put on a smile that looked almost rehearsed.
“Eh, don’t say it like that, that’s so lonely-sounding. Saying stuff like that, you’re just happy about it too, right, Tamura-san, Sasaki-san?♡”
Her sweet, honeyed voice rang in my ears. My chest ached, sharp and repeated.
Why. I want to talk to her.
My chest throbbed. Impatience, unease, and irritation tangled together into a mess, and I couldn’t even sort out my own feelings anymore.
After the toast, I threw back my draft beer in one go.
Across from me, the sales manager launched into a long lecture on things to know before working overseas.
He’d apparently worked at an overseas branch himself once, and proudly shared his memories of it.
Oh, is that right, I see, that’s really helpful — I put on those kinds of lines, pretending to listen intently.
My gaze, though, drifted toward Hanamori roughly once every thirty seconds, I think.
Hanamori was laughing brightly with Tamura-san, Sasaki-kun, and Tamada-san across the table, high-pitched giggles ringing out happily.
The whole time, she never once looked my way.
But every so often, her eyes would drop, and she’d go blank for a moment. Still not much energy in her, after all.
After a while.
The men around Hanamori all stood up at once. Looked like it was time to pay respects to the sales manager.
Before I noticed, Hanamori was sitting alone, staring at her glass. Her eyes looked like her mind was somewhere else entirely.
Every so often, she let out a deep sigh, shoulders sinking.
I gave up my seat to another male coworker and stood up without hesitation.
“I’ll sit here.”
Highball in hand from a fresh order, I slid quickly into the seat beside Hanamori.
“Eh…”
Hanamori’s eyes went wide, startled.
But immediately, her gaze dropped again, avoiding mine. As if fleeing from something.
“Sorry, I…”
Clatter.
Hanamori started to stand. On reflex, I grabbed her thin arm.
“I just want to talk for a bit. Is that okay?”
Hanamori stopped moving, looking down. Resigned, she gave a small, quiet nod.
“…Cheers.”
We clinked our glasses together. The sound rang out strangely loud.
Silence.
I didn’t know what to say. For now, I took a sip of my highball. Hanamori brought her glass to her lips too. Silence again. Awkward.
“…Your first year. Good work.”
“…Yeah. You too, Asami-san. Good work on the OJT.”
Hanamori’s voice was small. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. What do I do.
“Really, though. I’m exhausted.”
“Is that supposed to be sarcasm?”
“N-no, not sarcasm. Genuinely.”
“………..”
Silence. A sour mood. This topic’s not working.
Flustered, I searched for something else to talk about.
“Heading to America soon, huh.”
“…Yeah.”
Hanamori only gave short acknowledgments, eyes fixed on her glass. My heart was pounding hard. My palms were sweating badly.
“You’ve seemed down lately.”
“…Not really.”
“I see.”
“…”
Silence again. This is bad.
“I wonder if Silicon Valley’s warmer than Japan?”
Hanamori glanced my way, briefly. Her expression seemed to soften, just a little.
“…Who knows.”
“Haven’t looked it up.”
“You’d do something like that, Asami-san.”
“Eh, what? Is that sarcasm?”
“…Not really.”
But the corner of Hanamori’s mouth lifted, just slightly.
“Packing clothes sounds rough.”
“You think? I figure I can get by rotating a few outfits.”
“Eh? Is that really enough?”
Hanamori turned toward me, just a little. Still not meeting my eyes, but the distance felt a little closer than before.
“Well, you’ll probably be fine, Asami-san. You wear pretty much the same thing all the time anyway.”
“Excuse me? Rude.”
Hanamori gave a small laugh. Small, but real.
Good. The ice seemed to be melting, just a little.
“Guess you could just buy summer clothes there, too.”
“Summer clothes…? Would I need those?”
“Eh? Obviously you would.”
“Ah, well, if it turns out hotter than expected and I need short sleeves, I’ll just get some there.”
Hanamori’s expression loosened, bit by bit. This time, our eyes met, briefly.
“Wonder if the food’s good there.”
“Who knows. But I bet I’ll be craving Japanese food fast.”
“If you’re craving Japanese food that fast, you won’t survive. You’ll get used to it eventually.”
“Hm? Guess so. I can just enjoy Japanese food when I come back, and try the local stuff over there.”
Bit by bit, the tension eased.
We picked at edamame, trading idle, meaningless conversation.
“Bet you’ll go all soft the eventually when you see some cute girl over there, Asami-san.”
“Huh? What do you take me for.”
“It’s just true. You’d go weak in the knees unconditionally for anyone with a big chest.”
I nearly choked on the beer I was drinking.
“There you go, calling me a pervert again.”
“Because you actually are one, Asami-san. Can’t help it.”
There she goes again, teasing me about being a pervert. Hanamori looked at me, eyes narrowing, laughing softly. Hanamori’s laughing face is, as always, cute.
The return of her usual sharp-tongued banter was a relief. This really is comfortable, I found myself thinking.
“I mean, come on. ‘Eventually,’ that’s—”
“Hope you find a ‘good match’ over there.”
Cutting right over my denial, Hanamori took a sip of her Kahlúa milk and murmured it quietly.
…Eh.
Hanamori smiled with just her mouth, eyes downcast, letting out a small sigh. Her fingers around the glass looked, faintly, like they were trembling.
My chest gave a sharp, ringing ache.
“…Why would you say something like that?”
The words slipped out of me before I could stop them. Quietly.
I could tell my own voice was shaking.
There’s no way I’d find a “good match.”
There’s no one I could ever love more than Hanamori.
“…Why, what are you even asking?”
Hanamori lifted her face. Staring straight at me, unwavering.
“Eh, what, I mean…”
I got stuck on the words. I didn’t know what to answer.
“Was something wrong with how I said it?”
“Ah, no, that’s not it.”
“Then what.”
Hanamori’s voice was shaking slightly.
“How was I supposed to say it?”
Hanamori’s eyes were wavering.
I want to say it. I want to say it right now.
Two syllables. Just two syllables, and yet.
If I just said it, all this tension, all this circling around each other, might disappear.
But in a space full of other coworkers, there’s no way I could confess. I don’t have the courage.
“Hanamori-san, you’re coming to the after-party, right?”
I tried to change the subject, deliberately, artificially bright.
“Today, I’m… heading home.”
“Eh?”
“I’m not feeling that great.”
“Eh, you okay? Want me to walk you?”
“…I’m fine.”
“But…”
“…”
Just as the conversation had finally started flowing, silence again.
Hanamori said that and dropped her eyes again. Her profile looked smaller than usual.
Shoulders slightly curled in, biting her lower lip.
“…Sorry, I’m gonna go to the restroom for a bit.”
“Ah, sure.”
With that, Hanamori took a small hand towel and headed toward the restroom, a little unsteady on her feet.
Hanamori didn’t come back for a while after that.
She’s taking a while.
There was more I wanted to talk about.
Guess she’s pretty drunk. Though she didn’t seem to have had that much.
Thinking about that, I finished off the closing rice porridge.
The first party was winding down.
By the time I’d finished paying, Hanamori had come back.
“Alright, after-party group this way,” “Good work today,” “See you tomorrow” — greetings exchanged all around.
Hanamori stood at the edge of the group heading straight home, while I stood mixed in with the after-party group.
I couldn’t stop worrying about Hanamori.
The chatter around me sounded distant. No one else’s voice registered.
I need to say something.
I want to say something.
“Hanamori-san, see you. Next week, then.”
I gave her shoulder a light pat, forced a smile, and called out lightly.
That’s all I said, and I started to turn away.
Hanamori turned around, and our eyes met.
*
—The instant they did, I caught my breath.
*
The skin around her eyes was red and swollen.
Her eyes were brimming with tears on the verge of spilling over, droplets caught in her long eyelashes.
The streetlight reflected off her glossy eyes, glittering, aching.
…Eh.
No words came.
Hanamori sniffled softly.
The corner of her mouth lifted, just slightly, and she turned forward.
Then, quietly, she just said, “Good work today,” and disappeared quickly into the night.
Her back looked, somehow, like it was trembling.
Looking small enough to vanish.
*
—We only have one week left.