Episode 29: This Feeling Is…
We boarded the shinkansen.
The client meeting had gone well, and I let out a breath of relief. Settling into my seat, two days’ worth of exhaustion hit me all at once.
“Tiring, huh.”
“Yeah, exhausted. Glad we got seats.”
I answered while opening a bag of snacks I’d bought at the station. I held it out toward Hanamori, and she reached over without hesitation.
“Good.”
“Right?”
Idle conversation. Just that much, and somehow it felt fresh.
Being able to talk normally with Hanamori like this again, as recently as yesterday morning I couldn’t have imagined it.
“Ah, right. I’ll get the skirt dry-cleaned and return it. You really saved me.”
I said, and Hanamori grinned, faintly wicked.
“No worries. That was genuinely the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.”
“It’s way too early to be crowning ‘funniest of the year,’ it’s still January.”
“True, but. Provisional first place.”
Hanamori was laughing, having fun. Her unguarded smile. Watching that face, I found myself smiling too.
“Anyway, don’t you dare tell anyone at the office.”
I made sure to press the point. This one thing, I couldn’t budge on. My dignity as a working professional was on the line.
“Eh, I was planning to use it as material, though.”
“Excuse me!?”
“It’s just too funny. The suit pants split clean in half, and… that color.”
“Stop! Don’t remind me!”
“Oh, right. I’ve got to write something for the internal newsletter next month, I’ll use your story.”
“Absolutely not.”
I held my head in my hands. If that ended up in the company newsletter, I wouldn’t be able to show my face at work again.
I’d definitely go down in company legend as “the woman with the questionable underwear color.”
“Kidding.”
Hanamori said it, flatly. With a straight face. I couldn’t tell how much of it was actually a joke. I genuinely can’t read this woman’s real intentions.
But her eyes, at least, seemed to be laughing a little.
Talking like that, Hanamori’s eyelids gradually started drooping, heavy.
“Sleepy?”
“…A little.”
Hanamori answered with a yawn, rubbing her eyes. Made sense. Starting with last night’s cockroach incident, then a tense morning client meeting, then a packed afternoon of work. Of course she’d be exhausted.
Well, I hadn’t slept either, thanks to this woman, so I was pretty wiped out myself.
“You can sleep. I’ll wake you when we get there.”
“No thanks.”
Hanamori answered instantly.
“Why not?”
“You’re heartless, Asami-san. You’d probably just leave me on the train without waking me.”
“What kind of person do you think I am?”
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.
“It’s fine, I’ll wake you up.”
“…Really?”
“Really.”
Hanamori narrowed her eyes slightly, giving me a doubtful look, but eventually closed them.
“Well, just for a little bit, then.”
With that, Hanamori drifted off to sleep.
At first she slept leaning back against her own seat, head tipped forward, but with the shinkansen’s motion she gradually leaned toward me.
And then, a soft thud.
Hanamori’s head landed on my shoulder.
My heart gave a hard, loud jolt.
What is this feeling?
Hanamori’s weight. Her warmth. The scent of shampoo drifting from her hair.
All of it felt unusually vivid.
My chest was pounding hard enough to hurt. Why so much.
Actually, I’m just really, ridiculously happy that I can talk normally with Hanamori again.
What even is this.
Laughing together, sharing snacks, trading jokes.
Just yesterday she’d been so cold to me, so distant.
And now, here we were, this close.
Hanamori was completely, deeply asleep. I could hear her steady breathing.
Not the calculated, performed expression she shows the male staff, not the icy one she shows me, either. An unguarded, soft face.
Cute.
Precious.
I want to protect her.
I hate to admit it, but that’s genuinely how I felt. Cute.
“…I want to touch her.”
I was startled by myself, thinking that.
But right now. At this distance. Just a little.
I slowly reached out my hand. My heartbeat was loud enough to ring in my own ears. My hand was trembling.
Hanamori’s hand rested on her lap.
I gently laid my own hand over the back of it.
Warm.
Our fingertips touched.
I slid my fingers further, aligning them with hers. And slowly, I closed my hand around it.
Slender fingers. A soft hand.
Our fingers intertwined. Mine slipped between hers.
Like lovers holding hands.
My heart was so loud.
I wanted to stay like this forever.
I wanted to keep holding Hanamori’s hand.
I didn’t want to let go of this warmth.
—And then, I realized it.
—I’d fallen for her.
For Hanamori Chisa.
Being treated coldly bothered me.
Not being able to joke around normally anymore left me lonely.
I wanted to talk to her so badly it hurt.
She never left my head, day or night.
I wanted to see her smile.
Just being able to talk with her made me happy, made me glad.
Touching her made my heart race like this, made me this happy.
—All of it, because I love her.
But.
My chest gave a sharp, stabbing ache.
Hanamori has no interest in someone like me.
The person Hanamori likes is Tamura-san.
That kind, bright, good-looking Tamura-san, liked by everyone.
Not me.
I looked at Hanamori’s sleeping face. Long eyelashes. Slightly parted lips.
Hanamori’s heart, surely, isn’t looking at me.
If Hanamori woke up right now and saw my hand like this, she might yank it away instantly with a “gross.” No, she definitely would.
I know that.
I know it, and yet.
Even so, right now, I didn’t want to let go of this hand.
The illuminations streaming past the window outside looked unbearably bright.
Hanamori was still asleep.
I kept holding her hand, just a little longer.
Not much further until we reached Tokyo.
I wished this time would never end.
But it had to end soon.
Before this feeling swelled up too far and burst.
That contradictory feeling stabbed at my heart.
I just kept holding Hanamori’s hand, praying she wouldn’t wake up.