Episode 53: The Beautiful Older Woman

I used to think I could get through just about anything.
I believed that if I just acted cheerful, happy and energetic, and tried hard enough to influence those around me, everything would be fine.

However, it seems life isn’t quite that simple.

Hikari Abe wasn’t particularly good at her studies, but she was an all-rounder at sports and, with her cute face, was such a lively person that she became the class favourite.

　Both in elementary school and middle school, she was liked by both boys and girls.

However, there were also those who envied her and bullied her.
I wish I hadn’t let it bother me.
But I couldn’t forgive anyone making fun of my family.

　I think I was subjected to some pretty severe bullying when I was in my third year of middle school.

Although I was cheerful and popular in class, and boys even confessed their feelings to me, I loved everyone so much that I couldn’t imagine falling for just one person and giving them special treatment.

People who didn’t like that started to pick on me. At first, it was the sort of harmless bullying where they’d write nasty comments on my desk or throw my indoor shoes in the rubbish.
I could laugh it off with a smile when it was just that.

　However, perhaps my attitude only fuelled the bullies’ anger. When they wrote insults on my front door, calling me poor or claiming my parents were prostitutes, and when the bag my mum and dad had worked so hard to buy for me was destroyed, my spirit snapped.

My mum and dad told me not to worry, that it was fine, but I couldn’t forgive them.

I blamed myself for being too cheerful and began to withdraw into myself.

　Throughout my sixth form years, I lived as if holding my breath; I think I’d become such a faint presence that nobody even knew I existed.

I suppose I was harbouring a deep emotional wound at that time, and I found it almost impossible to speak to anyone.
I’d be terrified if anyone spoke to me, and regret and worry clung to everything I did, leaving me unable to focus on anything else.

　My mother, worried about me, arranged for me to see a counsellor. Even though we had no money and she didn’t need to do such a thing, she looked out for me. She wanted me to go back to the way I used to be.

I thought it was pointless, but as I went to counselling, my feelings began to change little by little.

I was convinced that I had hurt my family because of me. I lived my life reflecting on the fact that it was wrong of me to have been cheerful and happy.

However, the counsellor took the time to teach me that this was not the case.

　I am fine just as I am, and I simply need to find someone who will accept me for who I am.
They also taught me that, in this world, even something as simple as that can be difficult and challenging to achieve.
However, at the very least, the counsellor was one such person, and they stayed by my side the whole time.

At that time, the counsellor was my emotional anchor.

I learnt that just having one such person in your life can make a person this strong and capable of change.

　I want to be that sort of person too.
To live true to myself, and to be someone who can support others.

I wanted a job where I could be a source of emotional support for as many people as possible, so I went against my parents’ wishes and enrolled at university.

‘I’ve managed to get in, but money and living expenses are a bit of a problem…’

From then on, I moved from one kind person’s house to another. Or rather, I ended up staying with people who were only interested in my body, and there were times when I had to make a narrow escape from situations that looked like they might turn dangerous.

　I asked friends I’d made at university if I could stay with them, but naturally, if I stayed too long, they’d ask me to leave.

That’s only to be expected.

It’s my own fault for leaving without thinking things through.

Finding my next place to stay looks like it’s going to be a struggle again.

Perhaps I should just find a boyfriend, but I don’t think that sort of thing suits me.
I can’t imagine myself loving just one person.

I love myself the most, and I love all my close friends just as much.

　I have to say, I think my life has been quite a rollercoaster.

　I plucked up the courage to go back home for the summer holidays, and even though my mum and dad had been so against it, they accepted me without a fuss.

　They said they couldn’t afford to support me financially, but they wanted me to do my best at what I wanted to do. With their support, it looks like I’ll be able to get a scholarship from my second year onwards.

　Perhaps I should have talked to them seriously about it sooner.

　After all, no matter what happens, family is family, and they’re the ones who support you emotionally.

On the journey back to university from my parents’ house, the person who happened to sit next to me was a stunningly beautiful young woman.
The short, wolf-cut black hair suited her perfectly, and she was the only one giving off a rather unusual vibe.

She mentioned she was from Tokyo, so I struck up a conversation in a casual sort of way, wondering if she might let me stay at her place, and she accepted this suspicious-looking person that I am without a second thought.

　We chatted a bit on the Shinkansen, and I realised she was the complete opposite of me.

She couldn’t love herself, yet she tried to love others.
She had no self-confidence, yet she wished for the happiness of others.

That’s obviously impossible.
Someone who doesn’t know how to value themselves can’t possibly know how to value others.

Still, she must be a kind-hearted person.

　And so, my life with this beautiful older woman began. I’d expected her to tell me to get out within a week, but even after living there for a month, she didn’t complain about a thing.

At first, Mayo was the type of person who hid her true feelings, but as we lived together, her real nature began to surface, and I came to learn that she was, at heart, a person with a genuinely terrible personality.

But because Mayo opened up to me like that, I could be completely honest with her too.

　Living together, doing the housework together, going out together, sleeping together.

I’d never had anyone other than my family with whom I could do those things, but with Mayo, we got on so well it was as if we’d been family from the start.

Perhaps it was because Mayo was accommodating me, or perhaps it was just a coincidence.

However, there is one thing I can say for certain.

I wanted, from the bottom of my heart, to make Mayo happy.

　It wasn’t that I felt sorry for her because of her past circumstances, her family, or her situation.

I got to know Mayo as a person, truly understood her, and wanted her to understand me from the bottom of her heart.
In other words, I wanted to be someone special to Mayo.

I think I’ll keep these feelings to myself.
Because if I were to say them out loud, our life together as it is now would surely come to an end…

　＊＊＊

‘Hikari, wake up, it’s morning.’

I open my eyes to find Mayo there.

I hug her tightly.

‘Come on, if you don’t get up soon, we’ll be late.’

‘—Yeah.’

I prayed fervently that this life would continue forever.