Episode 138: 19 Years Old (2)
“I’ll give you all of me — heart and body——”
What that meant was that with Takisawa, I could go further than anything we’d done before. Since falling for her, I’d long since been ready for that.
And yet now that she was right in front of me, my hands were trembling just slightly.
Would she be disappointed in me?
I’d never done this kind of thing with anyone, so I had no idea what was right or wrong.
All I could understand right now was that the girl in my arms smelled of everything I loved, and that person I loved so much was right there in front of me.
“Endo-san…”
She was looking at me with gentle eyes — and yet somewhere deep in those eyes, I could feel a warmth.
I didn’t think anyone had ever looked at me with eyes that full of feeling before.
Something like that——
Something like that was enough to undo me completely.
She reached out and stroked the part of my heart that should have been untouchable, as though it were nothing.
My shoulders were pushed gently back, and before I knew it my back was against the soft bed. The softness beneath me smelled of Takisawa, and my vision swam a little.
Completely heedless of my state, Takisawa pressed her lips to mine again and again, softly — and I simply received it.
Just receiving — and yet what my lips felt was something soft and warm, and something about just that squeezed at my chest.
Takisawa then gently traced my ear with her tongue. The sound of her tongue moving at my ear pulled my reason apart piece by piece.
“Is this… okay…?”
Takisawa’s warm breath landed on my ear, and at those words my stomach tensed.
“Is this okay…?”
“Can I… do this…?”
I hadn’t said yes or no — and yet Takisawa looked anxious, and then began to slowly, gently trace my ear again.
She always used to nibble at my ear. Having someone nibble your ear should only ever hurt — and yet tonight she was being like this, gentle.
Whether she was doing it consciously or not, that action unravelled both my heart and my body.
Then something soft landed against my neck.
The sound of lips against skin was all that echoed through the room, and my ears fixed on it.
Where next…?
Something between anxiety and anticipation mixed together in a mess.
Tonight Takisawa traced so many places on me with her tongue, gently.
There were so many firsts happening tonight that my head had already lost the ability to keep up.
The sensation I’d been feeling at my collarbone a moment ago had returned to my lips. Wanting more of Takisawa’s warmth, I wrapped my arms around her neck and drew her close.
As if to say I’m not going anywhere without you telling me to, Takisawa gave her warmth freely.
With her warmth against my lips, Takisawa undid the buttons at the centre of me one by one.
We’re not in high school anymore.
And Takisawa and I are together.
There’s nothing strange about doing something like this — and it’s something I’ve wanted for so long — and yet in the moment it felt enormously difficult, and I even fell into the feeling of doing something wrong.
Through the gap of the undone buttons, Takisawa’s slightly cold hand moved over my stomach.
Whether it was because I was running too hot, or because her hand was simply cool, I couldn’t tell anymore. I couldn’t tell — but it didn’t matter now, because my whole body had tensed in a way that made everything else irrelevant.
I had unconsciously taken hold of her hand.
And then Takisawa looked a little put out and drew close.
“You said you’d give yourself to me, didn’t you?”
She spoke with my ear gently between her lips.
By that point, I think my reason had already crumbled almost entirely to dust.
I knew there was no point resisting now.
But I couldn’t shake the fear that today might be the end — and I found myself asking.
“Only if you let me do the same to you.”
Selfish, I thought — I’d said I’d give myself to her, and here I was bargaining.
Takisawa didn’t answer.
Whether because she knew I wouldn’t resist even if she said nothing — her hand was placed on my chest.
I want to touch Takisawa the same way too.
“If you won’t promise, I’m getting out of bed right now.”
I want the promise that there’ll be a next time.
Takisawa never breaks promises.
That’s exactly why I want the promise of a next time.
“Endo-san is already mine——”
Takisawa placed her hand over mine and held it. I could have resisted with my other hand — but I had no will to.
It wasn’t a promise of a next time — but apparently I was Takisawa’s.
The kind of person who gets carried away by words like that — I thought — I’m simple, transparent, easy to handle.
Even so, I couldn’t give up, so I made one last futile attempt.
“Take your top off too.”
“No.”
My wish was refused without ceremony, and Takisawa’s hand did not stop.
Where her hand had touched felt as though it had been branded — heat lingered, seeping slowly into my body.
No matter what, Takisawa never looked away from me.
Her gaze, her hands, her voice——
The only thing I could understand was the sensation of melting, of losing the shape of myself.
Sounds I didn’t recognize as my own slipped out. Even then, Takisawa said you’re cute and received all of me, I think.
Being loved by her wrapped me in happiness, and my consciousness was already floating, untethered.
“Sora… do you love me?”
Takisawa too was a little breathless — her breath reached my ear again and again.
Whatever reason I had left that was keeping me here was already broken — now I couldn’t think at all.
“Hina, I love you——”
The strength left the arms I had wrapped around Takisawa, and she looked at me with a slightly troubled expression.
I don’t know this version of myself…
Even on nights alone when I’d thought of her, nothing had felt like this.
Would she accept this unrecognizable me? The anxiety crept in.
But as though to sweep that anxiety away, Takisawa said nothing — just laid me down on the bed and held me close.
“Sorry. That was… I’m a mess…”
“Endo-san is always beautiful. Tonight too.”
At those words, the heart that had been cold with anxiety began to warm again, gradually. Takisawa really is unfair——
“Hina…”
She held me tight.
“I love you…”
I couldn’t see Takisawa’s face — but it was the voice she used when she was a little embarrassed.
Those words settled something in me more than anything else could.
“I love you too——”
I held her close, and a simply happy time flowed on.
Around two in the morning, I quietly slipped out of the duvet and went to the bathroom.
Takisawa was sleeping contentedly, so she probably wouldn’t wake.
Looking in the mirror in the bathroom, I found myself grinning.
The necklace Takisawa gave me was around my neck. Beside it was a red mark, and I found myself unconsciously tracing it.
I want to show Mai and Yamamoto-san and brag.
I don’t even know who I’d brag to — but I want to tell someone.
The necklace that said Takisawa wanted to keep me to herself was a necklace with a pretty design.
At the centre was a star, shining beautifully.
Just like Takisawa——
Earlier, she said it was like a collar.
A collar is fine.
But if it is a collar — I want her to properly take responsibility and hold the lead.
Tell me not to go anywhere.
Even if she never said it, I wouldn’t go anywhere — but if Takisawa gave that command, then Takisawa too, having bound me to her, would have the responsibility of staying by my side.
If Takisawa stayed with me — I was ready to give her everything.
No. Even if Takisawa someday found another love, found someone to marry — I think I’d give her everything regardless. I had that much certainty in myself.
No matter how much it hurt, I didn’t want to lie about the feeling of loving her.
That’s how completely I had sunk into the person called Takisawa Sora.
I confirmed the necklace in the mirror and felt at peace, so I went back to bed.
I thought I’d slipped back in quietly — but Takisawa woke up.
“Where did you go, Endo-san?”
“I went to the bathroom.”
“Come back here quickly.”
I’d told a magnificent lie — and was pulled by Takisawa’s arm into the duvet. Wrapped in Takisawa’s warmth and Takisawa’s scent, my head threatened to go strange again.
Takisawa was a little drowsy — she was gently stroking my head.
“I thought you’d gone somewhere.”
“If I went somewhere — what would you do?”
“Don’t go anywhere.”
“Are you lonely?”
“——Yeah.”
Sleeping Takisawa is this honest — the shock of it.
Leaning on that honest Takisawa, I kept asking questions to a girl who should have been tired.
“There are so many people who could take my place.”
A slightly cruel question, I thought.
But I wanted to know what Takisawa would say. Knowing her, I thought she might say you’re right.
“There’s only one Endo-san.”
“Does that mean… I’m the only one you’d want?”
My heart was beating steadily. Right now, I had the feeling the answer I wanted would come back to me.
“I want Endo-san. Only Endo-san will do——”
Takisawa buried her face in my chest and fell asleep to the soft sound of her own breathing.
Her body rose and fell with each breath.
I tried to breathe at the same pace — but right now even breathing had become difficult.
I took a long breath in and let it out.
Even something that simple became impossible in front of Takisawa.
Takisawa was probably tired — but could I be a little selfish just for tonight…?
“Takisawa, call me by my name like you did earlier?”
No answer.
She’d finally fallen asleep from exhaustion, perhaps.
“Sora…”
“Endo-san, you’re noisy.”
Takisawa’s disgruntled voice reached me. But I couldn’t stop wanting to quiet the anxiety inside me.
“Sora, please.”
Takisawa lifted her face from where she’d been curled up and glared at me.
I was the one who’d annoyed her — I knew she didn’t like it — and yet there was a part of me that was happy to see that expression. That was terrible of me.
“Hina——”
My favourite face looked straight at me, and my favourite voice said my name.
That was more than enough to undo me completely.
Takisawa returned to her usual position and settled in to sleep.
“Thank you——”
I said that, and stroked her beautiful hair, and closed my eyes without knowing if I’d be able to sleep at all.