With Love From London

Memory is truly a bitter thing; with time, the recollections one wishes to hold onto slip away like grains of sand through one’s fingers. I only realised this after spring, when we chose to part, had passed, and summer had gone, leaving autumn in its wake.

Time is cruel indeed. Merely your absence beside me has caused my world to lose all colour, and the seasons have swept past like the wind.

　The British weather is perpetually overcast, shrouded in thick clouds. It felt as though it mirrored my own state of mind, and those disheartening days continued even now.

A Sunday with nothing to do. Lying in bed, I gathered Shachi-kun once more, the stuffed animal I’d hugged until it was worn out.

“…I wish I could see you.”

　I picked up the pink perfume bottle left by my bedside. On nights when loneliness became unbearable, I wanted to fall asleep enveloped in that scent. I’d bought that bottle with its cute ribbon design thinking it would be my sleep aid.

The scent spread with a soft hiss. It was definitely Yui-san’s scent. But it wasn’t quite right. Something was missing. It just wasn’t the same without her. Every time I thought that, I felt crushed and sank back into the bed.

　I won’t regret it. I mustn’t. I did the right thing. Surely this wound will heal eventually. I keep telling myself these things, as if to convince myself.

I thought that if the physical distance grew, I could accept it. I don’t want to forget this feeling. Yet at the same time, part of me was utterly weary of this suffering, which might go on for who knows how long.

I feel like I’m wallowing forever, like I’ve become the very embodiment of the ‘troublesome woman’ Yui-san disliked.
　I wonder how Yui-san is doing now. Has she forgotten all about me by now?

Being apart only brings such unpleasant thoughts to mind. Oh well, there’s nothing else to do anyway. I’ll just take a nap.
Just as I sighed and closed my eyes, there came a knock, knock, knock on my bedroom door.

“Big sis, can I come in?”

My brother Kaname’s voice came from the other side. “Sure,” I called back, and his face peeked through the door crack.
While we were apart, Kaname had become a high school student. He’d shot up in height since I last saw him, and by the time I returned, his rebellious phase had ended – he was practically a different person.

“What’s up?”

Sliding smoothly into my room, he quietly closed the door behind him with his back turned, making me tilt my head in puzzlement.

“…Huh, something smells nice. Did you put on perfume, sis?”

“Er, yeah… sometimes.”

That was a lie. I’d never put any on myself. I couldn’t say this was the scent of someone I liked, so I fumbled for an excuse. In the end, he didn’t seem to care much, just shrugged it off with a “Oh well,” pulled out my desk chair, and sat down.

“Listen, I’ve got something important to discuss with you.”

“Eh? What is it?”

He looked so serious, it must be something really hard to say. He hardly ever came to me for advice instead of Mum or Dad.

　Wanting to gauge his true intentions, I stared straight back into those same light brown eyes of his.

“Actually, I… I’ve got a girlfriend now…”

“A girlfriend?”

The phrase was too shocking; I repeated it. I stared blankly at my brother, who looked embarrassed and fidgeted, running his fingers through his not-particularly - long hair at the nape of his neck.

　Here I am, still nursing the wounds of the biggest heartbreak of my life, and this little one… He seemed so tiny just the other day, and now he’s got a girlfriend? I felt like burying my face in my hands.

“So, it’s her birthday this month. Thing is… I’ve no idea what to get her.”

Ah, I see. I get it. His body had grown considerably, but inside he seemed much the same. Seeing her brother fidgeting awkwardly, the kind-hearted sister decided to offer a helping hand.

“…Shall we pick out the birthday present together?”

He looked up suddenly, nodding with sparkling eyes, and she felt all her irritation melt away. “Sure,” he said. He beamed happily and immediately stood up, ready to go right now.

　This too was part of being an older sister, she thought, rising to her feet. She hadn’t planned on going out today, but it couldn’t be helped. Having lazed around since Saturday, she turned two pages of the daily calendar in her room that she’d missed flipping.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t wondered why it had to be on a day like this.

Today was the 9th of October. Tomorrow was Yui-san’s twenty-second birthday.

After a few stops on the cramped underground train, I watched my brother earnestly selecting a present at the department store I’d taken him to, circling the various shops over and over.
I remembered how, at Valentine’s, I couldn’t decide which chocolates to give Yui-san either, circling the shops so many times that Yuri teased me about it.

“…Genetics are scary, aren’t they?”

“Eh? What?”

“Nothing. Just thought you looked exactly like me.”

“…Well, we are brother and sister, so it’s only natural we’d be alike.”

That’s true, I suppose. Yui-san looks just like Yukiyasu-san too. Though I can no longer ruffle the hair of that head that’s long since surpassed my own height, my little brother remains adorable no matter how old he gets.

After much indecision, we ended up at a jewellery shop where he picked up a necklace. For my little brother, he has rather good taste. When I encouraged him by saying, “That’s really cute, I think,” he seemed to decide to buy it.

It’s for my adorable little brother, but why does my chest keep twinging? Everywhere we go, everything I see and hear pry open the drawers of memories, making my chest ache.

“…Big sis, you don’t have a boyfriend? Did you leave him back in Japan?”

Asked that suddenly, I faltered for just a moment.

　I don’t have a boyfriend, and what I left behind in Japan wasn’t a man. I smiled and shook my head, saying, “Big sis isn’t popular,” to which he replied, “I don’t think that’s true,” essentially.

With his limited pocket money, he treated me to tea as a thank you. Then, on the way home, we stopped at a cake shop and bought just one shortcake to take back.

　After I got back, neither Dad nor Mum asked me much about it. They must have known something had happened. But I had no intention of telling anyone about this.

I was afraid. Afraid that if I told someone, shared this pain, then this feeling would become a memory, and someday it would fade away without a trace.

I know it’s contradictory. My chest hurts and it’s painful, yet I don’t want to forget this feeling.

　The promise I made on Yui-san’s birthday last year. Not keeping it was a thorn in my side.

Returning to my room, I placed a candle in the shortcake I’d bought and lit it. Japan is ahead of us in time, so the date would change soon.

I stare intently at the second hand. I wonder who Yui-san is with right now. Is she home all alone? Did she think of me even for a moment? Such thoughts occupy my mind.

“…Yui-san, happy birthday.”

The second hand points to twelve, and at the same moment, I blow out the candle.

May this feeling reach you faster than anyone else in the whole world.