Episode Thirty-Five: Kissing You Matters More to Me, Kanata
Once Christmas passed, the days leading up to New Year’s flew by in a blink. Before I knew it, here it was — the morning of January first.
My parents had suggested I come home for it, but I used unfinished exams as an excuse and decided to stay in Japan for the new year this time.
Thanks to that, I got to ring in the new year with Yui-san, and today we’d promised to go to our first shrine visit of the year together.
Ever since Yui-san opened a big bag of mochi cakes in the kitchen for breakfast, I hadn’t been able to stop feeling giddy. Apparently you can just toast mochi in the toaster.
This was my first time eating mochi with that sweet-salty soy sauce and sugar seasoning. The toasted seaweed and soy sauce smelled so good it pulled a smile right out of me.
“Good?”
“So good. I want another one.”
Just minutes ago, when she’d asked how many I wanted, I’d been the one who said one was fine. Pretending to forget that now, Yui-san laughed and stood up anyway. Sure.
Since Christmas, there’d been exactly one day when Yui-san said she had a dinner engagement and left the house. The next day, beside the pale blue paper bag still sitting by the accessory tray, a second bag had appeared.
Him again, I thought, an unpleasant feeling settling in.
When I’d asked whether Kitagami-san gave her a Christmas present every year, Yui-san had said she didn’t remember — but going by this pattern, he probably sends one without fail, every single birthday and Christmas.
Yui-san never says anything about it. So I don’t ask, either.
He’s a man, so it’s fine. Nothing to worry about. I repeated that to myself, over and over, like convincing myself of something.
“Kanata, the mochi’s ready.”
Here you go, she said, holding out the delicious-looking mochi, her eyes gentle.
Yui-san will do anything for me, if I just ask. That makes me unbearably happy. Spoiled like this, I can feel myself growing more and more selfish by the day.
This is a privilege only I get. So it’s fine.
“Thank you.”
The bite of mochi was delicious, sure enough, and my cheeks softened. Yui-san watched me from across the table, smiling, happy.
Whenever I’m eating something delicious, Yui-san always looks at me like that, so pleased.
I love that about her. That look of hers, the one that makes me feel like maybe she likes me, maybe she loves me — it always sets something warm burning deep in my chest.
*
After breakfast, I got changed and finished getting ready to head out.
Fumbling with the clasp of the necklace behind my neck, Yui-san gently stepped in to help.
“You’re surprisingly clumsy, Kanata. You always fumble taking it off too.”
She said it, laughing, and I turned back, faintly annoyed. I’ve just never worn much jewelry before, so it can’t be helped.
“…I’m just not used to it yet. I’ll be able to do it myself eventually.”
“I’ll do it for you every day, so it’s fine if you never can.”
Said so easily, and it made my heart flutter despite myself. I nearly asked — every day, until when, exactly?
Yui-san forgives absolutely anything I can’t do, just like that. Being close to someone like her scares me sometimes, like I might slowly turn hopeless because of it.
It’s starting to feel like an illusion I can’t shake — that I might not be able to live without her anymore.
“Okay, now you do me.”
She said it, laughing, and handed me a scarf. The one “Santa,” meaning me, had given her for Christmas.
Watching her smile down at me, so pleased, I understood exactly what she was asking for, and my cheeks warmed, just slightly.
“…You can wrap it yourself, can’t you?”
Embarrassed, I gripped the scarf tight and shot back a small jab instead. Well used to my less-than-cute attitude by now, she just tilted her head slightly, watching me steadily.
“I did it for you, didn’t I? Your turn.”
“…Are you the type who wants someone to tie your tie for you, Yui-san?”
“I never wear a tie.”
“…Your high school uniform had a tie, didn’t it? I bet your ex tied it for you at some point.”
Even as I said it myself, imagining it made me irritated all over again. I can’t even tie a tie myself. Never done it for my own father, either.
“I don’t remember something that long ago. C’mon, hurry, we’ll be late heading out.”
That long ago — as if she could actually forget something from just a few years back. But getting worked up over something this small wouldn’t get me anywhere, so I let myself lose, just this once, to her smiling face.
“…Can’t be helped. Bend down a little.”
Yui-san’s about ten centimeters taller than me, so she needs to bend down for me to reach.
I spread the scarf and lifted my hands to loop it around her neck, and Yui-san bent down, gently, and pulled me in by the waist at the same moment.
Startled, before I could even register it, her perfectly composed face was right there, and our lips met, soft. Lately she’s taken to ambushing me with kisses like this. My lipstick, freshly applied, always ends up smudged because of it.
Even thinking that, every time our lips brushed together, tilting, meeting again from a different angle, some indescribable, mind-numbing pleasure took over my head.
Our lips parted, and our eyes met at close range. Caught in that mischievous, narrowed gaze, feeling like I’d been thoroughly played, I looked away, embarrassed.
“…Weren’t you the one who wanted the scarf wrapped…?”
“Yeah, hurry up and wrap it.”
Her gentle voice tickled at my heart. Yui-san’s sense for exactly when my mood’s about to sour is frighteningly sharp. Though I suppose it says something about me too, that a kiss like that is enough to talk me right back into a good mood.
Once I’d wrapped the scarf around her, Yui-san smiled, pleased.
“Kanata, let me fix your lipstick.”
She said it, wiping away my smudged lipstick, and picked up the lip color she uses herself.
“Why… Yui-san’s…?”
“Hm? Figured if it’s the same color, kissing you would be fine.”
Said so casually that my face nearly caught fire.
“We’re going to the shrine… if you keep thinking such lewd thoughts, the gods won’t grant your wish, you know.”
At that, Yui-san laughed. Gently tilting my chin up, her lips, in her own color, pressed softly against mine. The taste of Yui-san’s lips. Why, I don’t know, but my heart won’t stop racing.
“That’s fine, honestly. The gods have never once granted my wishes anyway. Kissing you matters more to me, Kanata.”
My wishes never come true — what a lonely thing to say. Something in my chest clenched, tight.
I don’t know how many wishes she’s made, all this time. What could they possibly have been, all those wishes of hers that never got answered?
What would someone this free of desire even wish for?
Hand in hand, trading idle chatter on the way to the shrine, I kept thinking about that the whole walk there.
＊＊＊
Ah, right — this is what Japanese New Year’s, the first shrine visit of the year, actually looks like. Packed with people, food stalls scattered around, here and there someone in a kimono.
“…Yui-san, I want to go check out the stalls later.”
“Yeah, sure.”
Careful not to get swept apart by the crowd, I gripped Yui-san’s hand tight.
“Ritsu’s apparently here today too, wonder if we’ll run into her.”
“Ritsu-san didn’t go home for the holidays either?”
“Same reason as you. Said she stayed to study.”
The real reason I stayed wasn’t studying at all — it was wanting to be with Yui-san.
Who’s Ritsu-san here with, I wonder. Actually, there’s something I’ve been curious about for a while now.
“…Does Ritsu-san have a boyfriend?”
“Ah, not right now. Ritsu’s not really the type whose relationships last long.”
“Really? She seems so caring, I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“That caring nature’s exactly the problem. She treats everyone equally, Ritsu does. Lonely, for whoever’s dating her.”
“…I see.”
I imagine, even dating someone, Ritsu-san probably wouldn’t change a bit. That would be lonely, I suppose.
I understand the feeling — I’m the type who wants to be someone’s number one too, once I love them. Though I’ve undoubtedly become that way entirely because of Yui-san.
“I’d like to see Ritsu-san.”
“Once we’re done here, want to give her a call?”
*
I gathered up every last coin in my wallet and tossed them into the offering box. Rang the bell, clapped my hands firmly, hoping my wish would be heard.
I closed my eyes. Please, let Yui-san be happy this whole year.
I prayed for that, seriously, with everything I had. This might be the first time I’ve ever prayed for someone else’s happiness before my own.
Once I’d finished, I glanced over at Yui-san beside me. Her eyes, lowered.
What is she wishing for? I want to know what she wants. Is it something that can only be granted by praying to the gods?
If that’s true, then please, let this be the year her wish finally comes true.
I closed my eyes once more and prayed, with everything in my heart.