Episode 29: Is Sex Really That Pleasurable?

To be honest, I didn’t know what to say.

Up until now, I’d never asked about Mitsuki’s home life.
I’d sensed things vaguely. Besides, I was afraid to ask.
I didn’t know how I should react, or what I ought to do.

Clichéd words of comfort never seem to reach the heart.
　Precisely because humans can only understand each other by conveying feelings through words, I didn’t want to choose the wrong ones.

Silence is convenient.
You don’t have to choose right or wrong.

I tentatively reached out to Mitsuki and tried hugging her slender body tightly. It was the only thing I could think to do.

“Sorry I’m not very perceptive… I don’t know what to say.”

　A soft chuckle escaped from her chest. She squeezed me back tightly, and I rubbed my cheek against her hair.

“I love that gentle side of you, Nana.”

Her ear pressed against my chest. Knowing she was listening to my heartbeat made my own breath catch.
My accelerating heartbeat threatened to betray my true feelings to her.

“When I think about how my mother destroyed someone’s warm family like this… it just feels so unfair.”

“It’s not just Mitsuki’s mother’s fault, you know…”

“Yeah, Tasuku’s father was an accomplice too.”

I’d suspected as much since they didn’t live together, but Tasuku was the child of your mother’s affair partner…

　In that video of Mitsuki’s mother feeding Tasuku baby food, she looked like a proper mother.
She does the bare minimum. She probably has affection for Mitsuki too.
In that respect alone, you couldn’t say she’s a bad mother outright, but surely, above anyone and anything else, she puts herself first. That’s why she can sacrifice her daughter without a second thought.

“Mum, you see, seems like she can’t live without a man around. She gets lonely.”

“………………………………”

“You know, I never understood that feeling before, but I do now. Blood is thicker than water, I suppose. …I, too, couldn’t live without Nana. I’d be so lonely. Hey, Nana, I love you. Stay by my side forever.”

I simply hugged Mitsuki as she rubbed herself against my shoulder.

　I’d sensed it vaguely. There’s a huge hole in Mitsuki’s chest.
I must have just slotted perfectly into it.

Terrified of that hole opening again, Mitsuki can’t let go of me, so she clings on like this, not caring how she looks.
Even though Mitsuki knows deep down that what she feels for me isn’t love.

“…Nana, aren’t you interested?”

“In what…?”

“Is sex really that good? Like, to the point where reason, common sense, morals – all that stuff just doesn’t matter anymore?”

Our bodies pressed so tightly together, there’s nowhere to run. She must hear my heartbeat too.

　Not interested?

Of course I am. Absolutely. How could I not be?
How much do you think I’m holding back?

If I could take it, I would.
I want to take every last bit of Mitsuki, leaving not a single fragment behind.

The affection I feel for Mitsuki is chipped and scarred in places. It’s so misshapen it feels like it might shatter at any moment.

“…Shall we try? The two of us?”

Hot breath. A sweet voice melts my reason away.

The moment Mitsuki’s lips pressed against my neck and her tongue traced its path, I couldn’t help but shut my eyes tightly.
A light suck, followed by a wet, soft sound.

Why couldn’t I have let it end as that beautiful first love?

　My love, which should have been a pale pastel pink, gradually darkened, stained by a mixture of emotions, like the night curtain descending.

＊＊＊

Leaning over Mitsuki, I press my lips repeatedly against her smooth, white nape.
Though my chest burns fiercely, only my fingertips feel cold; touching Mitsuki’s skin feels so hot it might scorch me.

“Nana…”

I’ve always wanted this.
I’ve dreamed of it countless times. And each time I woke, I despaired that it was only a dream.

　This is reality. Mitsuki’s real body and scent. I am now permitted to touch this soft skin.

I had always wished, even knowing it would never come to pass, that one day Mitsuki would accept my feelings.

I know this is pointless, yet why am I now running my tongue along Mitsuki’s neck?

A sigh escapes me.
　She was the one who led me on, yet I could feel her body stiffen slightly, and it was unbearable.

I want to touch Mitsuki, but she surely doesn’t want to touch me.
The wall between heterosexual and homosexual love stands right before us now. I felt I could see it clearly.

“…Nana, take yours off too.”

My clothes were pulled up, and I silently removed my T-shirt and tossed it aside.
　I stripped off Mitsuki’s clothes too, and as we embraced, our bare skin exposed, I felt her body was warmer than mine. Where we touched, it felt like we might melt together.

Right now, some utterly incomprehensible brain chemicals are absolutely flooding out.
Though my consciousness threatened to fade, I braced my arms and, looking down at Mitsuki pinned beneath me, saw her wet eyes fixed intently on me.

“…Is it… okay if I kiss you?”

“…You didn’t need to ask.”

I only wanted permission. Mitsuki was cunning, but I was cunning enough myself.

We were both trying to use each other’s feelings, our interests aligning so perfectly it was almost sad. We’re completely messed up..

If we went any further, there’d be no turning back. No going back. But Tasuku, who’d stopped me before, wasn’t here now.

　Savouring the softness of Mitsuki’s lips with mine, I tentatively slipped my tongue between them.
I felt her shoulder flinch, but she responded to me with less resistance than I’d expected.

I greedily tasted her lips and tongue.

　It was the first time in my life I’d mingled so deeply with another person.
I’d only ever seen this kind of grown-up kiss in films, but surprisingly, I grasped the method quite easily.

What should I do… it feels good.

As I traced her small tongue with mine, sucking it, kissing her passionately, driven by desire, Mitsuki suddenly pushed my shoulders hard. I snapped back to my senses and pulled away, my body jerking back.

“S-sorry… Was it… gross…?”

“No, Nana. Phew, it was just a bit… suffocating…”

Mitsuki’s arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me back in. Our eyes met at point-blank range. Cat-like, round pupils. Wet, long lashes. I was faintly reflected in those eyes, eyes that seemed to suck you in.

“…Nana, one more time.”

“Mitsuki, you didn’t mind?”

“I didn’t mind. It felt good. I want more.”

Drawn in by that voice, so soft it was almost a whisper, I did it again.
This time, I made a conscious effort to be gentle, touching Mitsuki softly, not too eagerly.

If asked whether I’d rather be the first person a girl likes or the last person she likes, I’d definitely choose the latter.

　But I can never be Mitsuki’s last.
I can only be someone from her past, someone who passes over her body.
If that’s the case, then at least, if I can be the first person to remain in Mitsuki’s memories, perhaps my feelings might find peace.

“…Nana”

At least, I want to touch Mitsuki carefully, placing all my love into my fingertips and lips.
　Even if one day Mitsuki should come to regret this night, I want to ensure it doesn’t become a truly awful memory.
As I pressed my lips to her cheek, Mitsuki touched my cheek with her palm.

“…Hey, Nana. Why are you crying?”

Her thumb wiped away the tears that had welled up, and I rubbed my face hard against Mitsuki’s shoulder.

“I’m not crying.”

“…Liar.”

It’s not a lie. These aren’t tears. I’m not sad. I’m not suffering.
Even as I told myself this, the tears welling up wouldn’t stop… and I lost my nerve, unable to find the courage to lift my face.

Then, after a brief silence, Mitsuki gently stroked my back, as if to comfort me.

“…Nana, your spine’s really bony, isn’t it? Like a dinosaur.”

“…Hmph, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nana, do you know what a Stegosaurus is?”

“It’s not cute, and even if you say I look like one, I’m not pleased.”

What on earth was she saying in a situation like this? The taut tension eased just a little.
At the same moment, Mitsuki hugged my back tightly.

“Nana, don’t be scared.”

“Scared? I’m not…”

Hearing her words, I realised.
Right. The one who’d been scared all along, trembling with fear, wasn’t Mitsuki. It was me.
Mitsuki is gutsy. Once she decides to do something, she doesn’t hesitate.

“Nothing’s changed, and nothing will. I like you, Nana. So trust me.”

It was me who couldn’t believe in our future.
No matter how much Mitsuki tried to meet me halfway, I knew I’d never fully trust her.

“…I’m sorry, Mitsuki. I like you. I love you.”

Lifting my face, I murmured as if clinging to her, and pressed my lips to Mitsuki’s.

The heat within Mitsuki’s body. Her expression, as if feverish. Her restrained, sweetly leaking voice and breaths.
A succession of sensations far exceeding my imagination left me with a constant ringing in my ears.

　Feeling her nails dig into my back, I bit her small ear and pressed my lips all over her body.

When I called her name, Mitsuki, she replied in a thin, raspy voice, “Nana…”

“Mitsuki, say you love me, please.”

I begged in a trembling voice. Her hot palm stroked my cheek, and tear-filled eyes gazed at me.

“Nana… I love you… I love you so much…”

Mitsuki’s body was like a poisoned apple.
Sweet and delicious, making me crave it relentlessly, yet my tongue grew numb… My breath grew shallow and ragged, my heart pounded, dizziness washed over me.

　Reason melts away into a sticky mess, leaving only burning desire.
What will remain when this heart burns completely out?
It hurts, it’s agonising. My heart creaks so fiercely it feels like screaming, letting out a silent cry.

But I can’t stop. I can’t stop now. Unable to contain my excitement, I roughly grab Mitsuki’s slender shoulders and press her down onto the sheets.

　What is this feeling?
Something precious is missing, yet only my desire is being satisfied.
Possessiveness? Conquest?
Just watching Mitsuki writhe beneath me, moaning sweetly and cutely, makes my head tingle with a sharp, electric sensation.

My heart feels like it’s about to burst. Am I going to die?
But… but it’s fine. Like this… I don’t mind if Mitsuki kills me like this.

　When the potent poison had fully coursed through my entire body, Mitsuki clung tightly to my neck and let out a soundless cry.
Feeling the irregular, repeated squeezes on my middle and ring fingers, a shiver-inducing pleasure spread through my own body.

I held her trembling body as tightly as I could and closed my eyes. My own breath was shaking pitifully also.

“Na..na…”

“…Mitsuki, are you alright? Does anything hurt?”

“Mm… Heh heh… I’m fine.”

We clung to each other, both drenched in sweat. As I kissed Mitsuki’s cheeks and body repeatedly until her ragged breathing steadied, she pulled my neck closer, pressed her lips to my ear, and laughed innocently.

“Nana… I’ve caught you. I’ll never let you go again. Don’t go anywhere. Stay my Nana forever.”

Oh dear… I’ve been caught fair and square…
You idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

That first night felt so sweet and bittersweet — like it had left a wound in my heart that would never fade.