Episode 9: The Reason for Hesitation ―August 2032―
“Maybe it’s because I grew up watching Mum’s love life, always burning hot but fading fast, never lasting. Honestly, I just can’t trust this whole ‘romantic feelings’ thing. No matter how much someone says they love you, it usually fizzles out after three months, right? Though it seems different for you, Sensei.”
“…Enough about me.”
“Because of Dad, who wouldn’t even acknowledge me, and all those boyfriends Mum kept stringing along, I think I fundamentally can’t trust men.”
I think it’s influenced by my disgust towards men who make advances despite having wives, or who whisper sweet nothings repeatedly only to vanish when things get inconvenient.
“So if I ever fall in love, I absolutely want a man who’s sincere, loving, and would never cheat. I thought if I dressed flashily like Mum, men with ulterior motives would flock to me, so since middle school I’ve tried to dress plainly and unobtrusively… but somehow, I don’t know why, I was incredibly popular.”
It was almost rude to be modest, but I was told affection by classmates, seniors, boys from other schools – all sorts of men. I could only feel confused. Why? I wore such plain clothes, kept my hair and personal life quiet.
“When a pretty girl like you dresses modestly, it gives a pure impression. Perhaps that made a good impression?”
The teacher casually called me “pretty,” making my heart skip a beat, but I carried on talking as if nothing had happened.
“Probably. Like when some senior I’d never spoken to and didn’t even know confessed to me, saying stuff like ‘I like how pure and girly you are’. I was just confused. What does this person even know about me?”
At first, being approached or confessed to based on someone’s arbitrary image of me only left me confused. But gradually, my feelings shifted towards fear and anger.
Because their expectations didn’t involve my feelings at all.
I often got dragged into romantic entanglements I never intended… Like when a guy I didn’t fancy showed interest, then the girl who liked him got jealous and the whole class ganged up on me… Honestly, that period was brutal. So I decided: I’m not going to try to appeal to guys anymore.”
“Er… I’m completely clueless about this sort of thing, but is your current style and vibe, Uehara-san, the answer?”
“Yeah, exactly. I stopped doing cute or feminine outfits, and I started watching what I said and did. I’d brush off pick-up artists and sleazy guys coldly, and just focused on valuing my female friends. Before I knew it, people started calling me a ‘gal’. I mean, I look like this, and I don’t think I’m actually ‘gal’-like inside at all, but…”
No matter what you wear or how you act, you only get closer to the person you want to be. Ultimately, people are only ever judged through others’ eyes. Once assumptions and preconceptions kick in, there’s nothing the person being judged can do about it.
“You went that far… Wasn’t it painful? Were you alright?”
“Yeah. I ended up making fewer enemies among the girls, and above all, going to Minami High was the best thing. Our school’s basically peaceful and calm, right?”
“That’s true. It certainly is something our school can be proud of, isn’t it?”
When I felt life became easier after becoming a high school student, I was glad I’d followed Grandma’s advice and worked hard at my studies. It’s a bit of a shame that despite getting into a good academic high school, going to university seems unlikely due to Mum’s policy, but I don’t regret it.
“Anyway, back to the point. Even so, I still had this feeling that I wanted to experience love. So when a boy confessed to me and I thought I might be able to like him, I’d give dating a go. But it never lasted long.”
Whether it was a friend, a classmate, or someone I worked with on a committee… whenever a boy I was reasonably close to and got on well with passionately confessed his love, I’d think “I might be able to like him” and give it a try. But it never worked out.
Wataru was one of those cases. We dated and it ended badly. He’d been one of my dear friends, someone I used to hang out with alongside Suzuka and Fuwa.
“…Does Uehara-san’s attempts at romance indicate a deep-seated desire for love? …Ah, I apologise if that sounds unpleasant. It’s merely my own speculation, so please disregard it.”
“There’s no way I’d find a teacher who listens so earnestly unpleasant. So, it’s like… I genuinely want to try liking someone properly, but I’m scared that if I fall in love, I’ll lose myself, or that I’ll be controlled by something else…”
That was the biggest reason I hesitated about romance.
If it meant my personality or even my way of life would collapse, then it would be better not to fall in love at all. Thinking that, I unconsciously applied the brakes in my mind. Calling myself calm feels less accurate than saying I’m cowardly.
A complex about not being able to do what Ryōka and my friends all manage.
Will the day ever come when I can love someone so intensely it burns in my chest?
“Thank you for sharing your worries with me. Putting your thoughts into words is important. Keeping any trouble bottled up alone is the most dangerous thing.”
For some reason, I felt dissatisfied with the teacher who said this in such a gentle voice.
“There you go again, sounding so ‘teacher-like’… I didn’t exactly want words from you as a ‘teacher’.”
Words from a ‘teacher’ could come from my homeroom teacher Yabe, or maths teacher Urano, or even Hisako-san. I didn’t want that. Words spoken solely from an adult’s position just felt stifling.
“…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you…”
Seeing the teacher apologise apologetically, I felt my own face flush with shame.
What a childish thing to do. Just because things didn’t go my way, just because the teacher didn’t give me the response I wanted, sulking like this… it’s no different from throwing a tantrum to get my own way.
Thank goodness the room was dark. Thank goodness she had her back turned. At least she didn’t see my face like this.
“Sorry. Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better now.”
I forced myself to sound cheerful, deeply remorseful, and simply offered my thanks.
She listened. Without denying it, without laughing, she just listened. She made me want to talk. Isn’t that enough?
My head understood that, yet my heart still seemed unwilling to accept it.
Just when I’d thought it was good she had her back turned. I slowly turned my body and looked at the teacher.
“Look at me, sensei.”