Episode 19

“We won’t be able to see each other for a while from tomorrow. I’m going to miss you.”

Ran pressed herself against me, brow creased with genuine sadness.
I felt heavy about it too — school being gone from tomorrow weighed on me.

“Happy new year when it comes.”
“Yeah! Let’s call each other sometimes!”
“Okay.”

I said goodbye to Ran and made my way home, trudging along.

By the time I reached the apartment, the world outside had gone considerably dark.
I stepped into the completely dark flat — the temperature barely different from outside — and turned on the lights. I switched on the electric heater and sat down in front of it.

I stared vacantly at the orange glow until the part of me closest to the heater became so hot it was almost painful.

I shifted back a little and went back to warming myself.

Why does school start winter break on the twenty-fifth, I wondered. It should start on the twenty-seventh, like working adults.

Come to think of it — I hadn’t bought anything for dinner for my mother today.

But no. Today I didn’t need to.

Every year, without fail, my mother never comes home on this day.
She was probably somewhere I didn’t know, with someone I didn’t know, spending the night happily.

When I was small, I used to think — if my mother is happy somewhere, then being alone in a cold flat on Christmas is fine. But lately, something closer to anger had started building in me toward a mother who let herself have everything she wanted and considered her own daughter irrelevant.

I checked my phone. Of course, no messages from anyone. Ran would probably send something lonely in a few days — but today there’d be nothing.

Right on cue, the phone chimed, and I grabbed it quickly.

Just an ad notification.

I dropped my shoulders and set the phone back on the desk.

What was I expecting…?

Nanoha and I had a deal that she’d help me study through end-of-term exams — so since then, no messages had come. Before that we’d been in contact so much, and now that kind of contact had gone completely quiet.

She probably didn’t want me coming over anymore.

Was that actually true, though?

I hadn’t heard anything like that from Nanoha directly. Maybe I was just deciding it on my own, pulling back on my own.

I didn’t know anything about Nanoha.
That was natural enough — neither of us tried to get deeply involved.

But it felt somehow wrong to assume what she was feeling when I barely knew her at all.

Haah…

Being alone made me do nothing but think, and I was tired of it.
Thinking about my mother, thinking about Nanoha — the worries never ran out either way — so I decided to take a walk.

I had a bath, changed into house clothes, pulled a warm outer layer over the top.

Fully insulated, or so I thought — but the winter cold came at me with full force the moment I stepped outside.

The houses lining the street all had their lights on, and I found myself imagining what was happening inside each of them.

Nice—.

I couldn’t hide my surprise at the feeling that had surfaced in me.
I’d thought I’d given up on spending Christmas with family. And yet.

For some reason I found myself rushing, cutting through the residential streets, heading for the convenience store as though looking for somewhere bright.

The hot snack corner was lined with fried chicken pieces, and cheerful Christmas music was playing inside. The dessert section, naturally, was stacked with Christmas cakes.

I thought I might allow myself a small indulgence for once, and came up to the register to buy fried chicken — then saw the sign above the hot snacks and felt my mood sink to the floor.

Buy 2 or more: ¥50 off!

That’s what it said.
A discount built on the assumption of eating with someone. Right now, that stung.

The world took it for granted that you ate with other people. Eating alone wasn’t something it had room for.

That wasn’t really true — I knew that — but I’d arrived at that twisted version anyway.

Standing hesitating in front of the register wasn’t going to help. But buying just one felt somehow pathetic, so I bought two, and was handed a heavy bag of meat.

I drifted out of the convenience store and found myself in the shopping area. I immediately regretted coming outside at all.

Families looking at the illuminations. Friends. Couples.
The happiness of all of it was more than I could take, and I turned my back on the scene and walked, without knowing where I was going.

I didn’t want to go back to that flat yet.
I didn’t want to be alone.
But I didn’t want to be anywhere bright.
I’d walk until I felt sleepy, then go home.

Without thinking about it, I had walked to the usual shrine.

Inside the shrine grounds everything was the opposite of the illumination street — almost no one, no sound. That frightened me a little, but it was also calming.

The park was empty, of course.

What had I been expecting…?

I didn’t know anything about what kind of home Nanoha had. I wasn’t particularly interested. But somehow — vaguely — I’d thought maybe she’d be here today too.

I sat down on the usual bench and looked up at the sky.

There aren’t many buildings or streetlights around here, so I thought I might be able to see the stars clearly — but tonight there was cloud cover, and they weren’t visible.

I was hungry.
Go home, eat the chicken, sleep.

“Haah… I should go back.”
“Morishita, what are you doing here?”

A voice I shouldn’t have been able to hear reached me, and I leapt to my feet.

A few metres away, Nanoha was standing with a puzzled expression. I held back whatever was running wild inside me and tried to speak to her normally.

“What are you doing here, Nanoha?”
“Taking a walk.”

Nanoha took my hand and sat me back down on the bench. Then she pressed herself right up against me, sitting unreasonably close.

“Morishita — why did you stop coming over?”
“Exams finished, and I thought I’d be a nuisance.”
“You’re not a nuisance. I actually wanted you to come.”

Nanoha leaned into me as she said it. She was always close, but tonight felt closer still.

“You really don’t mind?”
“I said I don’t mind.”
“Nanoha, your ranking dropped because of me.”

Nanoha stopped leaning against me and looked at me with a startled expression.

After end-of-term exams, when the top results were posted, I’d found myself unconsciously looking for Nanoha’s name. Looking for it — or rather, I’d been watching the names of the people who always placed near the top.

I’d held something like resentment toward that kind of person — assuming they came from comfortable homes, had money for cram school, were loved by their families, living lives that simply went smoothly.

But spending time with Nanoha had shown me that was just my own groundless fantasy. My own bitterness.

“It’s pretty rough having you know my embarrassing side…”
“It’s not embarrassing.”

More than that — knowing it was my fault sat somewhere painful in my chest. Another person becoming unhappy because of me, I’d felt.

“I was thinking about you and my test scores dropped.”

I’d already known, but hearing it said directly made something in my chest pull tight.

“Then you shouldn’t get involved with me.”
“Why does it have to be like that? You really are an idiot, Morishita.”

A weight settled on my shoulder — her head.
She was so close that I thought I could feel a trembling passing through her body.

“Stay with me until I can get first place. Help me study.”
“I’d just be in the way.”
“Keep watch over me? I can try harder when Morishita’s watching.”
“Then I’ll keep watch — but tell me about yourself, Nanoha.”
“What? What do you mean?”

I shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all, yet the heat is rising to my face.

It was Nanoha’s fault for reacting strangely.

“What you like, what you don’t like, things that are hard, things that make you happy. Tell me those things properly, and I’ll keep watch.”
“What is that.”

Nanoha let out a small laugh, like she couldn’t help it.

“That doesn’t sound like you, Morishita.”
“Shut up. And you’re annoying, get away from me.”
“It’s cold, so no.”
“I’m not cold.”

I pushed her away and put distance between us.

“Morishita, you’re mean.”
“Say whatever you like.”

From beside me, despite everything — heh — came a sound like she was pleased about something.

It should have been cold. But somewhere at my core, I felt warm.

I’d thought she was a strange creature from the beginning — but once again, I thought: Nanoha really is strange.