Episode 106: My Birthday (3)

‘Takizawa, thanks for everything today.’

　As the sky turned crimson in the setting sun, I said this whilst walking alongside Takizawa.

‘I haven’t done anything special.’

　Takizawa had returned to her usual expression.
　Today, I’d taken advantage of her kindness and been rather selfish. I suddenly began to worry that she might have taken a dislike to me.

　By the time we were walking home, swaying with the train, it had grown dark around us.

‘Endo-san, are there any foods you don’t like?’
‘Me? Not really.’
‘I see.’

　When we got home, I was made to sit down on a chair in the living room. When I looked at Takizawa, she had a rather troubled look on her face.

‘I need to make dinner.’
‘I’ll make it today.’
‘What?’
“Just sit here quietly, it’s fine.”

Takizawa is going to cook?
Just as I was wondering if this was some sort of mistake, I heard the sound of vegetables being chopped coming from the kitchen.

I remembered how dangerous it had been the last time I’d let Takizawa chop vegetables, and I became so anxious I couldn’t sit still.

Noticing my state, Takizawa poked her head out of the kitchen and glared at me.

“Endo-san, if you come over here now, I’ll cut you off.”

Hearing that, I had no choice but to stay seated.
I certainly didn’t want her to cut me off.

Quite a bit of time seemed to pass, maybe things weren’t going smoothly — and then the smell of curry began to waft through the air.

It was only now that I realised why she’d asked to borrow the fridge this morning. I’m pretty sure her rucksack was stuffed to the brim, too.

Could Takizawa actually cook?

　No, there’s no way Takizawa, who’s so hopeless she can’t even chop vegetables properly, would suddenly be able to cook a whole dish. The bandage on her finger… could that be a cut from practicing?

　Come to think of it, Takizawa had been acting strangely for a while now.

　Had she been preparing for this day?

　No, surely not. There’s no way she’d go to such lengths for me.

　Just then, a bowl of curry was placed on the table, as if to blow my worries away.

‘Sorry, it’s nothing fancy. I can’t make anything like Endo-san does.’

　Takizawa just kept staring at the curry she’d served, refusing to look at my face.

‘I want to eat already.’
‘I don’t think it’ll be very good.’
‘Just eat it, come on.’

　I brought a spoonful of Takizawa’s curry rice to my mouth.

　It’s just plain old curry rice.

　And yet, why does it warm my heart so much? My eyes grew hot, and I held back hard so as not to cry.

　How long had it been since I’d eaten a meal made by someone else?

“It’s delicious.”
“Curry’s the same no matter who makes it, isn’t it?”
“It tastes even better because you made it, Takizawa.”
“Is that so?”

　She was so cold I wondered where the Takizawa from a moment ago had gone. But when I looked at her face, I realised it was probably just her trying to hide her embarrassment.

“Takizawa, you’re blushing, aren’t you? Your cheeks are red.”

　As I poked Takizawa’s cheek, she grabbed my finger firmly.

“Ouch.”
“You brought it on yourself.”

The curry — which I would have liked to keep forever, spoiled or not — was unfortunately finished entirely, and we cleaned up.

　Takizawa had been standing next to me for a while now, looking down. Not knowing what she wanted, I found myself staring at her.

“Endo-san…”
“Hmm?”

　Takizawa looked up at me with a terribly troubled expression.
　Was there something troubling her?

“What’s wrong?”
“……Nothing. I’m going for a bath.”

　She hurried off to the bathroom in a flurry.

　Once I’d finished up and returned to the room, Takizawa’s deflated rucksack caught my eye.

　That rucksack was the one I’d given Takizawa for her birthday, and as far as I could tell, she’d been using it every day. It made me smile to see that she treasured the gift I’d given her.

　Thinking that she must have been packing groceries into it this morning, I felt a surge of affection and gently hugged the rucksack.

I had put away the yellow handkerchief I’d left on the bed before Takizawa came over. I certainly didn’t want her to think it was creepy, so I always hide it when she’s coming over.

　I was reading through my exam revision notes when Takizawa came back, so I took her place and headed for the bath.

　So much has happened today; it feels like I’ve lived through a whole week. I’m glad today was a Saturday.

Tomorrow I can take it easy for the whole day.

　At the aquarium, Takizawa kept doing everything to suit me the whole time. she even went along with things she’d normally say she didn’t like.

I think I took advantage of that and ended up being rather selfish.

　Taking Takizawa to visit the family grave today was definitely the right decision. I’m so glad I was able to introduce her to Mum and Dad.

I wonder what they thought of her. If Takizawa had actually met them, what sort of conversation would they have had?

She would probably have been so nervous she’d have been acting all awkward. Or perhaps she’d have spoken quite normally? I can’t help but picture that heart-warming scene, even though I can’t actually see it.

‘Takizawa was so sweet today… I wish she could be that honest and kind all the time.’

　I submerged my face in the bath, letting the water bubble around me.

　During the dolphin show, I couldn’t suppress the urge to touch Takizawa, even with so many people watching.

　I have no idea if I’d be able to control myself better when we’re alone.

　It makes me happy that Takizawa stays with me when I sleep, but my anxiety was growing too.

　When I got out of the bath and headed for my room, Takizawa was waiting there, sitting in seiza.

‘Why are you sitting so formally?’
‘Come over here.’

　Wondering what was going on, I sat down next to Takizawa.

　Even though I’d followed Takizawa’s instructions, she said nothing; only the ticking of the clock could be heard.

　Had I done something wrong?

‘…………Endo-san’
‘Hmm?’
‘……Ha-’
‘Ha-?’
‘Happy birthday—’

　I was so taken aback by those words that my body froze, as if it had been encased in concrete.

　When I looked at Takizawa, she was sitting hugging her legs with her face buried between her knees, but I could tell her face and ears were bright red. The moment I saw that, I felt the heat rising to my own cheeks.

　That heat spread throughout my body immediately, and my ears were throbbing with heat.

Takizawa knew today was my birthday — and came with me to all the places I wanted to go?

Practiced making curry and cooked it for me?

Was gentle with me all day long?

　When I think that everything Takizawa did today connects to that, I can’t help but feel that it wasn’t just a coincidence that she was being kind today, but that she was doing it for my sake.

　I’m so happy…

　I’m happy, but it makes me misinterpret things.

　Takizawa probably does these things because she’s kind. I suppose it’s just a thank-you for me celebrating her birthday.

　Still, whatever the reason, the fact that Takizawa acted on my behalf made me happier than anything else.

‘Here, this is for you.’
‘A present… from Takizawa?’
‘If you don’t want it, I’ll just throw it away.’

Emotions collided inside me faster than my mind could process, and I found myself unable to speak properly.

　Takizawa tried to mercilessly snatch the present from my hand, so I struggled to defend it, and in the scuffle, I ended up pushing Takizawa onto the floor.

‘Sorry. That must have hurt.’
“Yeah. Get off me.”

　I suppose I should have moved away straight away, but I didn’t want to.

　Takizawa’s face was close.
　Just that alone made my heart feel as though it might break so easily.

　Perhaps realising what I was about to do, Takizawa covered my mouth with her hand.

“Don’t do anything strange.”

　Takizawa pushed me hard in the stomach, so I gave up and decided to move away.

‘Can I open it?’
‘No.’
‘I don’t want to hear that, I’m opening it.’

Carefully peeling off the tape, I removed the wrapping from the box and lifted the lid.

Inside were two pale blue and white mugs. The design featured a couple of cute polar bears, one lying on its back and the other raising both arms in a ‘victory’ pose.

“I had absolutely no idea what you liked, Endo-san. Polar bears were the only thing that came to mind. So, if you don’t want them, you can just throw them away.”

Whether it was about polar bears or what I liked, it didn’t matter to me right now.

“Why two?”
“……”

Takizawa fell silent. I didn’t know why there were two. Did she think I liked polar bears so she bought extra? A spare? Not knowing the reason left me feeling a bit unsettled.

“When I start university, I’ll come over to your place for dinner again… because Endo-san said she’d stay with me even when she became a university student…”

　Takizawa was still speaking with her face hidden. Uncharacteristically for her, her words were a jumble I couldn’t make head nor tail of.

“Does this mean… these are mugs for the two of us to use—?”

　Takizawa doesn’t answer. But she doesn’t say no either.

　My chest feels warm, and things I can’t hold back start spilling out one after another.

“I’ll take them back after all. I told you we wouldn’t make that sort of promise.”
“I absolutely don’t want to.”

　As I stubbornly cling to the mugs, Takizawa turns off the light and crawls into my bed.

“I’m going to sleep now. You sleep on the floor, Endo-san. Goodnight.”

　I wonder what expression Takizawa has on her face right now, burrowing under the duvet like a caterpillar.

　If I touched Takizawa right now, I probably wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

　I know that.

　I have a feeling I’d do something that would make this promise about the mug as good as nothing.

　But I simply couldn’t help touching her.

　I pull back the duvet she’s burrowed under.

　She’d dimmed the lights, but perhaps because it’s nearly a full moon, or because it’s so bright outside, I can see Takizawa’s face clearly.

　Takizawa has been trying so hard all day today. She, of all people, who hates having to accommodate others so much and has always kept to herself.

　What’s more, thinking that the reason for this is my birthday makes me happy, and I get a little carried away.

　I took Takizawa’s hand, rested my other hand on her cheek, and pressed my lips against hers. When I gently brushed her soft lips with my tongue, as if caressing them, Takizawa opened her mouth as if to respond, and something hotter and softer than her lips met my tongue.

　It’s Takizawa’s fault.

　When she does things like that, I find it even harder to stop myself.

　I press my lips against her neck and collarbone.

　Takizawa’s hair and clothes carry her gentle scent, making my head spin even more. It’s a sensation similar to when I have a cold, and it mercilessly melts away my rationality.

　I plant a gentle kiss on Takizawa’s ear.

“Takizawa, thank you. Let’s stay together even when we’re at university.”

　My tongue trails along the top of her ear. At that, the hand intertwined with mine tightened its grip. It is those small actions that melt my reason into a gooey mess.

　I want all of Takizawa.

　Takizawa said she’d never had a crush on anyone, nor had she ever had a partner.

　If that’s the case, I want to take everything from her right now.

　Takizawa’s first time… everything…

　She might end up hating me, but I want to imprint my existence on her memory so that I’ll stay there forever.

I cover Takizawa’s lips once more.

Normally, if I did something like this, she’d kick me or stop me, but today, Takizawa lets me.

I reach for Takizawa’s side and lift her shirt.

When I placed my hand firmly on her slender, soft stomach, I could feel Takizawa’s body jerk.

　As I slid my hand upwards, she bit down hard on my tongue; it hurt, and I instinctively pulled away.

　It was only then that I realised Takizawa was breathing heavily, and I realised what a terrible thing I had been about to do.

“This kind of thing is for someone you love, isn’t it.”
“You can do it with someone you don’t love too.”
“Then — does Endo-san do it with people she doesn’t love?”

　I found myself unable to say a word.

　That’s not the point here.
　Even if I told her I wanted to do this because I loved Takizawa, she probably wouldn’t understand.

　In the current situation, it wouldn’t be strange if she thought I was just telling an in-the-moment lie lie because I wanted to do that sort of thing.

　But if I backed down now, I feared she’d see me as just someone who wanted to do that sort of thing.

‘So, Takizawa, can you kiss anyone?’
‘No, I can’t.’
‘Then why don’t you refuse me? Just refuse me, hit me or kick me, whatever.’

It’s Takizawa’s fault for not refusing…

Because of that, my feelings are always left hanging in the air.

‘Why do you kiss me… You’ve even initiated it before… Why…?’
‘…………’

　Takizawa remained silent, her face looking terribly pained.

　Have I made the person I love look so miserable…?

　All day today, Takizawa has been trying her hardest for my sake.

　I’ve been given so many happy, joyful moments.

　And yet, I…

“I’m sorry. I won’t do anything else, so please just let me stay by your side for now.”

　Saying that, I hugged Takizawa.

　Realising just how awful I’d been made my chest ache.

　I’d done something that would make it no surprise if Takizawa hated me.

　If I think about it calmly, not being able to stay by Takizawa’s side would be the most painful thing of all for me.

　It doesn’t matter if we can’t be together.

　As long as I can be by Takizawa’s side, that’s enough.

　…………

　Is that really true?

　If Takizawa finds someone she loves, will I be able to watch her go with a smile…?

　The moment I thought that, even though it wasn’t a cold day, my body suddenly began to grow cold. As my body grew colder, I started to shiver.

　Takizawa stroked my back.

‘Endo-san…’

Her voice sounded somewhat anxious, as if she were worried about me. It’s my fault, so why is she the one feeling sad?

‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right.’

Takizawa stroked my head.

　Although she’s smaller than me, her heart is bigger than mine, and she always wraps me in her warmth.

She kept stroking my back until the shivering stopped.

“Endo-san, did you have fun today?”
“Yeah. It was the happiest birthday I’ve ever had. I told my parents, ‘Thank you for bringing me into this world.’ I felt so glad to be alive.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“I’m not being dramatic, I really mean it. I want to be with Takizawa, so I’ll work hard on my university entrance exams.”
“That’s not right. You’ve got things you want to do, haven’t you? You’re working hard for that.”

　Takizawa had a point.

“You’re right. I’ll do my best.”

　I leaned in close to Takizawa. I could smell her gentle scent, and drowsiness began to wash over me.

　Takizawa was holding my hand.

　Takizawa kissed me.

When she asked, ‘Why do you look so surprised?’, I replied, ‘It’s rare for you to make the first move,’ and she was the one who looked puzzled.

‘We’re dating, Hina, so what are you on about?’ she said, looking puzzled yet somehow smiling.

　Ah… That’s when I realised I was having a dream that suited me perfectly.

　In a dream, surely I could tell her how I felt as much as I wanted.

“Hoshizora, I love you…”

　I wished this dream would never end.