Episode 20: Wavering
“…Honoka.”
Before I knew it, I had said her name.
“…Yeah?”
She answered — and yet the next words wouldn’t come.
The truth is, I want to see her. Right now. This moment.
But maybe that would only be the same thing repeating itself all over again.
— Even so.
“…I want to see you.”
Before I knew it, the truth had slipped out.
The moment I said it aloud, something stirred deep in my chest.
I realised, more than I’d expected, how hard I’d been pressing that feeling down.
The thought that showing even a hint of wavering might trouble Honoka again — that thought had been keeping a lid on everything inside me, all this time.
“…Really?”
Honoka’s voice trembled, just faintly.
“Yeah… I want to see you.”
My heart was racing.
Saying it out loud made the feeling grow stronger still.
But is it really all right?
I decided to keep my distance.
If I give in and see her now, won’t I just slip back to where I started?
That anxiety crossed my mind.
“…I want to see you too.”
The moment those words reached me, something deep in my chest went warm.
“…Do you want to come over? Now?”
Before I knew it, I’d said it.
There was still wavering in me — and yet, hearing the loneliness in Honoka’s voice, the wanting-to-see-her swelled up and pushed everything else aside.
Honoka paused for just a moment, then drew in a small breath.
“Yeah. I’ll come right now.”
Those words seeped deep into my chest.
I was still gripping my phone, and found myself laughing a little without meaning to.
“…I’ll be waiting.”
But not just waiting.
I got quietly to my feet, stepped out the front door, and started walking toward Honoka.
Outside, the cool air of the night wrapped around me.
A breeze moved through the empty street, ruffling it gently as it passed.
The glow of a distant streetlight guided me forward, one step at a time.
What kind of face will Honoka be wearing when she comes?
Anxiety and anticipation tangled together inside me — and then, from somewhere in the distance, I heard footsteps drawing near.
I held my breath and watched for the person those footsteps belonged to.
And then, out of the dark, Honoka’s figure appeared in the light of the streetlamp.
She found me too, and something in her expression softened.
But deep in her eyes, a trace of unease still remained.
I found myself walking faster without thinking.
“…Honoka.”
I called her name, and she took one step toward me in return.
And after that, no more words were needed.
The distance between us closed, and when she was close enough to touch, I reached out gently and took her hand.
Cold fingertips. But they warmed quickly in the heat of mine.
“Were you cold?”
She shook her head, just slightly.
“…Now that you’re here, I’m fine.”
Those words squeezed my chest tight.
I shifted my grip on her hand, holding it a little firmer.
Just a few days apart, and I missed her this much.
But is this really all right?
I haven’t decided yet to close the distance completely.
“…Shall we walk?”
Even as the words left me, the wavering in the depths of my chest wouldn’t go away.