#16: Triple Passion / ep.4
“…Make a move on me.”
Mikoto swallowed her words. Her heartbeat rattled loud enough through her whole body to be heard. A tension no small thing could settle, tangled up with guilt, took hold of her completely.
“Shandy-san, I—”
“It’s fine. I’m asking you this knowing everything already.”
“But I don’t have—”
Shandy’s eyes curved into a waxing crescent. She smiled, gentle and calm as the moon itself.
“…The rest of this, let’s save for the game.”
Turning away as if nothing had happened, Shandy started walking toward the bar. The lounge’s attendant didn’t even bother confirming their name — probably already had every regular’s face memorized — and led the two of them straight to a private room overlooking the night skyline.
Two spacious three-person sofas faced each other across the room. They settled side by side on one, looking over the menu the attendant brought. The first drink of the night was already decided. Neither of them needed to prompt the other before the order came out.
“Two Shandy Gaffs, please.”
The attendant left with a simple “Understood,” careful not to intrude further. Feeling Shandy’s warmth and heartbeat leaning against her right shoulder, Mikoto murmured.
“…About tonight’s game — I still think I have to win it.”
“Meaning you don’t want to make a move on me?”
“…That’s right.”
Words catching in her throat, Mikoto forced out something close to her real, honest feelings.
“I still don’t have the confidence to love… to love a woman, Shandy-san.”
Mikoto’s romantic interest had always been men. She’d dated whoever confessed to her, kissed them, had a reasonable amount of experience with sex too. It wasn’t as if no woman had ever confessed to her before — but she’d spent her whole life assuming that world simply had nothing to do with her.
Which was exactly why she didn’t know.
If she actually dated Shandy. If they actually slept together.
Whether she could love her the way she’d loved the men before her — she genuinely didn’t know.
“Yes, I understand that. Which is why I want you to try, with me. Like tasting a cocktail you’ve never had before.”
“Please, stop. I can’t do something like that — treating you as some kind of test…”
“You’re right. I’m well aware I’m asking something unreasonable.”
She wasn’t someone capable of switching gears that neatly — dating on a trial basis, then simply breaking it off if it didn’t work out. To begin with, there was no way she could bring herself to hurt someone precious to her like that.
It was Mikoto who broke the silence that followed.
“I don’t want to hurt you. You’re precious to me. And besides…”
“And besides?”
Shandy’s tone carried something close to an interrogation. As if trying to pin her down to a confession, with none of her usual composure anywhere in sight.
“…Please don’t say ‘try it with me.’ Value yourself more than that.”
A knock, and the door opened. Straightening herself, Shandy accepted the served cocktails and set them down in front of Mikoto and herself. Every practiced motion pure Antiqua bartender, through and through.
“It’s exactly because you worry about me like that — because you’re this kind — that I love you.”
“But I don’t know, do I? Whether I could love you back.”
“I…”
Shandy steadied her breath and continued.
“I’d be fine with you hurting me. If you tried and it didn’t work out, you could just throw me away.”
“…Do I really look like the kind of person who could do something like that?”
“I’m asking exactly because you don’t. Make a move on me. Touch me, try me, learn how I want to be loved.”
Mikoto closed her eyes.
“…I’m sorry. Just — give me a little more time…”
She knew it was a cowardly answer. Because Shandy was a generous, compassionate teacher. Because she was leaning on Shandy’s own promise to “wait for her.” Because she knew saying this would make Shandy back down. She hated herself for it.
“…Understood.”
With that, Shandy tipped back her glass. The crackle of beer and ginger ale fizzing echoed from beside her.
Mikoto couldn’t look at her profile. She could feel it, through their touching shoulders — a small, faint tremor.
“So — might I make one request? Something to do with the game.”
“What is it?”
“Beat me. And as your reward… order me to tell you a secret.”
Shandy had crushed her own path to victory by hand. Trying to erase the “make a move on me” reward as if it had never happened.
“That’s—”
“No, I’ve decided. Tonight’s Yokohama outside-the-shop game — I lose!”
“Shandy-san.”
“Ahh… first time I’ve ever been beaten…! My winning streak, snapped, just like that. And honestly… it stings, quite a bit. So this is the feeling you’ve been challenging me with, this whole time, Mikoto-san.”
Shandy laughed, same as always. But tears had spilled from those glistening eyes.
“…Are you really all right with this, Shandy-san?”
“Yes, well, a loss is a loss, nothing to be done about it. Ha, guess I really am only human, after all. Letting a fleeting feeling get the better of my judgment like this.”
“……………..”
“Come now, Mikoto-san. A winner ought to celebrate a little more. Go on, put on airs like you usually do, gloat over your defeated opponent. If you don’t, how am I supposed to work up the fire to win next time?”
“I can’t celebrate a victory like that.”
“Mikoto-san? If you want to be kind to me, then be kind all the way through. What you’re doing right now is nothing but indecision.”
Gently scolded, Mikoto thought it over and realized Shandy was right. If erasing her own reward counted as kindness, then acknowledging the win and celebrating it was the only way to actually see that kindness through. Casting doubt on the outcome now was nothing but Mikoto’s own indecisiveness dressed up as consideration. The longer Mikoto agonized, the more it would end up hurting Shandy in the end.
Mikoto forced herself to taste the flavor of victory.
Bitter and salty beyond anything, more frustrating and humiliating than any defeat she’d ever tasted before — her first win.
“I won! I did it! How does it feel?! Getting outwitted by the one you’ve been teasing this whole time, how does that feel?! I won, I actually won! I won, I really—!”
Partway through, she didn’t even know what she was saying anymore. She was crying. Selfish tears, born of self-loathing. Her victory declaration, choked with sobs, echoed through the sealed room — but she wiped the tears away at once, forcing a smile onto her face with everything she had.
“I won! I finally beat you, Shandy-san!!!”
“Ha… What a lovely smile. Yes, that’s exactly like you, Mikoto-san.”
Forcing herself to smile hurt. She drained her Shandy Gaff at once and pressed the bell beside the table. She wanted to get properly drunk tonight, no matter what. Strong enough to blank out her memory entirely, to forget everything, so she could go right back to visiting Antiqua again tomorrow.
She ordered a Martini from the attendant who came. Threw it back the instant it arrived. Went right back to the Shandy Gaff after that.
For a while after, she kept washing down the bitter taste of victory with cocktail after cocktail. There was no getting drunk on this particular vintage of victory. No matter how strong the drink, the needle lodged in her heart wouldn’t come loose.
“Mikoto-san, do you remember? About the reward.”
“Yes, but… whether I’ll actually remember it if I ask now…”
Head spinning, Mikoto asked anyway. More than guilt, more than the haze of drunkenness, what dominated her now was pure exhaustion pulling her toward sleep. Understandable, having gone the whole night without sleep planning this date. With the alcohol loosening her thoughts to just the right degree, love and self-loathing had blended together into a single, indistinguishable cocktail.
“Which is exactly why now’s perfect. You’re more than welcome to forget it.”
“Then… please… tell me… Shandy-san’s secret…”
“Yes, understood.”
To finally shed one veil of her own mystery, Shandy began to speak.
＊
Once upon a time, there lived a girl as pretty as a doll.
Blonde hair from birth, skin white as porcelain.
And amber eyes, round and glowing like the full moon.
“Just like she’d stepped straight out of a fairy tale.”
Her mother named the girl Alice.
But the girl — Alice — was a child who never should have been born.
Her father said, “Alice isn’t my child.”
Her grandfather and grandmother said, “Then whose child is she?”
Alice and her mother were driven from their home.
Alice lived together with her mother.
No one else was ever home. Not day, not night.
Her mother came home every morning, always exhausted.
Because Alice loved her mother so much, she decided not to be a burden.
She decided to become a doll — sweet, and kind.
Alice started attending the local school.
But because Alice was a doll, she never fit in with the rabbits.
The rabbits all said the same thing, together: “Alice is different.”
The owls said: “Let’s all get along with the rabbits.”
Alice couldn’t bring herself to trust the rabbits, or the owls.
Eventually, Alice found herself alone.
Her mother had journeyed off to heaven.
Alice had no money, and no wisdom of her own.
But then she met the Cheshire Cat, and everything changed.
The Cheshire Cat said, “Let’s open a shop together, Alice.”
Alice worked alongside the Cheshire Cat.
The Cheshire Cat was kind, and Alice fell in love with her.
But when Alice confessed her feelings, the Cheshire Cat vanished.
At last, Alice understood. No one could ever be trusted.
Every kindness around her was only a trap, meant to deceive her.
Her mother, the rabbits, the owls, the Cheshire Cat.
In the end, everyone betrays you.
And so Alice decided.
She would trust no one, and live on alone.
However lonely, however painful — better that than betrayal.
And so, even now, Alice remains all by herself in her shop.
＊
Finished with her story, Shandy smiled, faintly embarrassed.
“…How was it? My own little Alice in Wonderland.”
“I’ve learned you have no talent for storytelling, Shandy-san. That was terrible.”
“Ouch. That stings.”
Mikoto had half expected to fall asleep by now, but her eyes stayed sharp and clear.
She didn’t need to think twice about who Alice, in Shandy’s story, actually was.
“Is your real name Alice, Shandy-san?”
“Now, I wonder. Though don’t you think ‘Alice’ feels a little too cute a name for a face like mine?”
“You really do say that about yourself, don’t you…”
“Well, of course. It’s the face that captivated you, Mikoto-san.”
Puffing herself up with mock pride, Shandy smiled.
Alluring, girlish, and, more than anything, the very embodiment of a Western porcelain doll — that face had, without question, taken hold of Mikoto’s heart and refused to let go. But it wasn’t just that.
“…It’s not just your face.”
“Then my legs? My hands? Or perhaps you’re partial to a modest chest?”
“Those too, maybe. But mostly, it’s your heart. Whatever real feelings are hiding beneath all those different faces of yours, Shandy-san — that’s what I wanted to know. That’s why I kept coming to Antiqua.”
“Did you manage to learn it?”
“No, not at all. You’re far too skilled at keeping it hidden.”
Mikoto turned the story she’d just heard over in her mind again.
“Shandy-san. May I add something to that story just now?”
“Even after calling it terrible?”
“It’s exactly because it was terrible that I want to add something.”
Quietly, Mikoto drew a breath.
“This time, Alice finally meets someone. Someone who won’t betray her. That someone is indecisive, always putting on airs — but she’ll never leave Alice alone again.”
“……………Hai.”
“So… um. I want Alice to wait. Just until that someone finally makes up her mind, for real.”
“…And once Alice has waited for that someone to grow, what happens to her?”
“I hope she gets to feel happy. It came out pretty convenient and cheap as endings go, but — how’s that?”
Mikoto’s lips were sealed. This time, just a brief, fleeting touch of a kiss.
“…Passing grade. Good thing I’m not your writing teacher.”
“Lucky for me the grading was generous.”
She’d managed to scrape together some kind of answer for now. And done it, at least, without hurting Shandy too badly in the process.
The tight knot of tension in her chest loosened, just slightly, with relief. The instant it did, reaching for her glass, Mikoto’s body gave out entirely — collapsing forward onto Shandy.
“M-Mikoto-san…?”
“Ah…”
Even with the private room lit brightly, her vision had gone dark and narrow. Her heart raced like she’d just finished a sprint, heat coursing through her entire body.
The drunkenness hit far harder than usual. She’d gone nearly the whole night without sleep, walked all over Yokohama, burned through every reserve of stamina she had. On top of that, she’d downed cocktails at a reckless pace throughout a tension-soaked game.
“Sorry… I think I’ve had too much…”
“I’ll get you a chaser. Do you think you can make it home?”
“Ah, no… I’ve got this, so…”
Mind hazy, Mikoto fumbled through her pocket. What came out was a room key card. The tickets she’d won included a dinner-and-stay package for two. She’d never actually intended to stay overnight — the room had simply come bundled with the tickets, and she’d been told at the front desk to return the key if she didn’t need it.
“…Oh my. You’d already secured a room. Whatever were you expecting?”
Exactly as she’d predicted, the teasing came immediately. Dinner, followed by the lounge bar, followed by an overnight stay — there was no way that wasn’t going to read as expecting that kind of thing.
Wanting, at least, to clear up the misunderstanding, Mikoto forced her uncooperative tongue into motion.
“…Honestly, I just got the pair tickets as a prize, dinner and the stay bundled together. So — everything except the bar was free. I was… bluffing. Sorry…”
“Bringing that up, of all times… pfft, ha…!”
Letting Mikoto, still slumped and unable to sit up, rest her head in her lap, Shandy broke into helpless laughter.
“…I love that about you too, you know?”
“…I’m… sorry…”
Whatever Shandy said last, it never reached Mikoto’s fading consciousness at all.
—The Yokohama outside-the-shop game. Mikoto’s victory.
Though that victory dissolved, in the end, into nothing but her own kindness.