Episode 4: An Emotion Without a Name

I stared at the broad, imposing back walking ahead of me. He wore a plain white T-shirt and jeans, and when he turned to look back at me, he smiled happily, suggesting we go see the pandas.

His dazzling smile directed at me stood in stark contrast to my own heart, which felt as heavy and overcast as the sky above.

　Forcing a polite smile, I repeated meaningless responses and followed behind him. Why had it come to this? I’d been feeling this helplessness for ages.

I felt bad for Hayakawa-kun, but I really wasn’t in the mood today. I wished the rain would come sooner, just like the forecast said.

I took a deep breath. At the same time, I caught that familiar sweet scent and thought, Ah, it’s Yui-san’s scent.

　But she wasn’t here now. This was the scent of her perfume.

Saturday afternoon. The time when I should have been enjoying a cup of tea.

Instead, here I was, somehow at the zoo with a colleague from my part-time job.

How did it come to this? Well… the story goes back to the night before last.

“Listen… Aosawa, do you like animals?”

A café nearing closing time. Hayakawa-kun, whose shifts I’d been overlapping with lately, fired off this utterly unexpected question, and the world seemed to freeze, as if a frame had been cut out.

Eh? Animals? Do I like them?

Was that really a question he needed to ask right now?

　Animals… well, there are all sorts, aren’t there? You might like dogs but not birds, and once you start down that path, it’s endless.

“I do, I suppose. Dogs and such.”

He’d probably just wanted to chat, so I gave a half-hearted reply while idly wiping the saucer with a cloth.

We’d just seen off the last customer; all that remained was closing up, but there were still ten minutes until closing time.

　Despite my noncommittal reply, Hayakawa-kun leaned forward over the counter, resting his hands on it.

“Aosawa, you like animals… I’m glad…”

No, I mean, I like dogs, but if you ask if I like animals in general, that’s not quite right.

And what exactly is “I’m glad” about? Puzzled, I tilted my head.

“Aosawa, you said you didn’t have plans for Saturday, right?”

“Eh?”

“I’ve got two tickets. Fancy coming with me? To the zoo.”

The suddenness made my eyes widen. He had indeed asked about my Saturday plans earlier. But at the time, I’d assumed it was just a request to swap shifts or something similar. …I should have said I had something, even if it was a lie.

Staring into those eyes full of expectation, I held my breath.

　Having admitted I liked animals, refusing now would be like saying I didn’t want to go with him.

I wanted to avoid that. I liked this shop, and I didn’t want to do anything that might cause a rift in our relationship.

When I reluctantly nodded, Hayakawa-kun smiled happily.

That was Thursday night.

　According to the forecast I’d checked that morning, rain was expected this evening.

Yui-san, who’d apparently noticed me preparing to go out on a Saturday — something unusual — looked at me curiously while making coffee in the kitchen, making me feel terribly awkward.

It’s not like I’m doing anything I’d be embarrassed about if asked.

“Kanata. Did you say you had work today?”

“No, I’m going to the zoo with someone from work…”

“The zoo? Hmm… A date?”

“No, it’s not a date. They just invited me because they had tickets…”

As I snapped out the denial, Yui narrowed her eyes and smiled. She beckoned me over with a quick wave.

“Kanata, come here.”

“…What is it? I’m going to be late.”

“Never mind that.”

As I stepped right up to Yui-san, her hand shot out straight towards me. What on earth? I thought, just as her wrist pressed against my neck and made a sharp, rubbing motion.

Sweet. It smelled like Yui-san. Realising she’d put perfume on me, I looked up. Yui-san was smiling brightly.
I was baffled. Why on earth would she suddenly do something like this?

“Um… Yui?”

“It’s a charm to make your date go well. Have fun.”

“…But I keep telling you it’s not that.”

“I’m going to be late!” I pretended to rush off, left my umbrella, and headed out.

Of course, I knew it was going to rain today.

＊＊＊

　By the time we left the zoo, evening had fallen, and it seemed today’s weather forecast had been wrong.

The panda I glimpsed briefly after queuing was unexpectedly cute, and since I hadn’t been to a zoo since primary school, I think I enjoyed it more readily than I’d expected.

“The pandas were cute, weren’t they? What shall we do next? Fancy going to a café?”

We’d agreed to go to the zoo, but I hadn’t said anything about going to a café. My objective was achieved. I’d really done well today.

　It might seem contrived, but I looked up at the sky, which looked as if it might rain any moment.

“I forgot my umbrella, so I’ll head back before it really starts pouring. Thank you for today.”

To be honest. Somehow, I’d realised from the start what Hayakawa-kun wanted with me, what he expected.

But I’d finally found a part-time job where I felt comfortable, and I didn’t want awkward relationships caused by strange human dynamics.

“…Right, I see.”

I felt bad for Hayakawa-kun, who slumped his shoulders dejectedly, but I hoped this would make him realise. Just as I turned to leave, he grabbed my arm to stop me. It was a knobbly, masculine hand.

“Aosawa, let me walk you home. You went out of your way to spend time with me today.”

“There’s no need to go that far. I enjoyed myself today too.”

I’d discovered pandas were cuter than I’d imagined, so it wasn’t all bad. It’s not that I dislike Hayakawa-kun…

“Well, that won’t satisfy me. Please.”

It was a mistake to give in to his pleading then, agreeing since it was close to my place.

The downpour I’d been dreading finally started just as we reached the last few dozen metres to my house.

We ran frantically to the house, but by the time we arrived, we were both thoroughly soaked.

“…Eh? Aosawa’s place… is this it…?”

“Strictly speaking, it’s the house of a senior I’m staying with. Sorry about that. I’ll lend you a towel and an umbrella, so could you wait by the front door for a moment?”

“Eh… wow… it even has a garage…”

Leaving Hayakawa-kun staring blankly, I pressed the intercom. A few seconds later, the door clicked open.

“Welcome home. Forgot your keys…? What happened? You’re soaking wet!”

Seeing me, drenched like a drowned rat from the sudden downpour, Yui-san’s eyes widened.

“I forgot my umbrella… Sorry, I’d like to lend Hayakawa-kun a towel.”

“H-Hello, I’m Hayakawa Eita…”

“Ah, nice to meet you. Hold on a moment for the towel.”

After a brief greeting, Yui-san fetched two towels and handed one to Hayakawa-kun.

“Hayakawa-kun, was it? Where do you live? It’s raining, shall I take you home?”

“Eh? N-no, it’s alright. I can catch the train home.”

Seeing him shake his head, his cheeks flushed ever so slightly, I couldn’t help but give a wry smile.

“Oh? Well then, I’ll lend you my umbrella. Just give it back to Kanata later.”

Without a second thought, Yui-san reached into the umbrella stand and handed him her own umbrella – one of only two left.

“Yui-san, it’s alright, I’ll lend him mine.”

“Eh, you’re lending him yours? This pink umbrella?”

Hearing that, I choked on my words. It was a bit… no, quite a bit too girly for a man to carry.

“…I’m sorry, could you bring the umbrella next time you come for your part-time job?”

“Ah, yeah, understood. Sorry for borrowing your umbrella too… Aosawa, well then… Thanks for today. See you.”

“Yes. Thank you for seeing me home.”

After seeing Hayakawa-kun off and closing the front door, a wave of exhaustion washed over me and I sighed. My blouse, clinging wet to my skin, felt disgusting and cold.

I’d intended it as an excuse to leave early, but getting caught in this much rain was unexpected.

“…Kanata, are you alright? You’re soaking wet.”

Yui-san roughly dried my hair with a thick towel, making me feel like a wet dog.

“…Yui-san…”

“Hmm?”

“You’re kind to men too, aren’t you? That was a bit surprising.”

I’d assumed her kindness was reserved for women only. I never expected her to offer to take him home. It took me a little by surprise.

“That’s prejudice. Just because I like women doesn’t mean I dislike men.”

Well, that makes sense, I thought. Even heterosexuals don’t like the opposite sex because they dislike the same sex. It’s obvious, and I reflected on my own shallowness.

“You’re right. Sorry.”

“Never mind that. You’ll catch a cold. Why don’t you take a bath? I ran a bath while I was fetching the towel earlier.”

“…Thank you.”

　My body was frozen to the core, shivering with cold, so Yui-san’s thoughtfulness was truly appreciated.

Just as I was about to step into the entrance hall, Yui-san’s hand reached out to me.

Her fingertips, painted with black nail polish, touched the buttons of my blouse. The buttons were undone, exposing my neck to the cold air.

At first, I didn’t understand what was happening.

“…Huh? Yui-san!?”

“Eh?”

Just as her fingertips undid the second button, I frantically pulled my chest together and created distance from Yui-san.

I glared at Yui-san, who looked at me with wide, bewildered eyes, as if I couldn’t believe what had happened.

“Wh-why are you undressing me…?”

“Eh, ah, sorry. You looked cold and wet, so I just… out of habit…”

　Out of habit.

What sort of habit is it to undress women? Looking up at her in exasperation, Yui gave a wry smile. It really seemed unconscious.

Frowning, I pushed Yui’s shoulder away and stomped into the house, still in my wet socks.

“Sorry, don’t be angry.”

“While I’m in the bath, you wipe the hallway, Yui.”

“I didn’t mean to, honestly.”

“You idiot, Yui.”

I wanted to say it was precisely because it was unconscious that it annoyed me, but I held back that urge, ignored her, and fled into the bathroom.

My frozen body shivered violently.

I gently touched the nape of my neck. The sweet scent had vanished, probably washed away by the rain, and now I felt just a little wistful for it.

I know that’s not what I meant.

My heart, which never once skipped a beat when I was with Hayakawa-kun, now pounds so fiercely it’s bewildering.

“…Why…”

My heartbeat shows no sign of calming. Crushed by an emotion I couldn’t even name, I instinctively crouched down and hugged my knees.