Episode Four: A Feeling With No Name
I stared at the broad back walking ahead of me.
He wore a plain white T-shirt and jeans, and when he turned around, he grinned, delighted, and said we should go see the pandas.
Against that blinding smile of his, my own mood sat heavy and dull, grey as the overcast sky.
I kept up a strained smile, tossing out empty little responses as I trailed behind him, and somewhere in the back of my mind I’d been asking myself, over and over, how I’d ended up here.
I felt bad for Hayakawa-kun, but honestly, I hadn’t wanted to come today at all.
I almost wished it would just start raining early, the way the forecast promised.
I breathed in deep, and a familiar sweet scent drifted up with it — ah, Yui-san’s smell, I thought.
But she wasn’t here. This was just her perfume, still clinging to me.
A Saturday afternoon. The kind of hour I should have been spending over a cup of tea.
And instead, here I was, at the zoo, for some reason, alone with a coworker from my part-time job.
How had it even come to this. The whole mess traced back to two nights ago.
*
“Hey, so… Aozawa, do you like animals?”
The café was nearly closed for the night. The question came flying out of nowhere from Hayakawa-kun, whose shifts had been overlapping with mine a lot lately, and for a second the world seemed to just stop.
Huh. Animals. Did I like them?
Was that really a question that needed asking right now?
Animals covered a lot of ground, though — you could like dogs and still hate birds, there was no end to how specific you could get about it.
“I like them. Dogs, especially.”
He’d probably just wanted to make conversation, so I gave a vague answer while wiping down a saucer with a cloth, hands needing something to do.
We’d just seen off the last customer, and all that was left was closing up, though we still had a good ten minutes before then.
Even though my answer had been half-hearted, Hayakawa-kun leaned in over the counter, planting his hands on it.
“Aozawa, you like animals — good, that’s good…”
I mean, I liked dogs, sure, but that wasn’t the same as liking animals across the board.
And what exactly was “good” about it. I tilted my head, confused.
“Aozawa, you said earlier you didn’t have plans Saturday, right?”
“Huh?”
“I’ve got two tickets — want to come with me? To the zoo?”
My eyes went wide at how sudden it was. He had asked about my Saturday earlier, that part was true, but I’d assumed it was about swapping a shift or something like that. I should have lied and said I had plans anyway.
He was looking at me with such open hope in his eyes that I found myself holding my breath.
Having already admitted I liked animals, turning him down now would basically be announcing that I didn’t want to go anywhere with him.
I wanted to avoid that. I liked this job, and I didn’t want to do anything that might put a crack in the relationships here.
Reluctantly, I nodded, and Hayakawa-kun’s face lit up, pleased.
That had been Thursday night.
*
According to the forecast I’d checked that morning, rain was coming in from the evening today.
Yui-san must have noticed me getting ready to go out on a Saturday, which never happened, because she kept glancing at me curiously while making coffee in the kitchen, and it made me strangely uncomfortable.
It wasn’t like I was doing anything I needed to hide.
“Kanata. Didn’t you say you had a shift today?”
“No, I’m… going to the zoo, with someone from work.”
“The zoo? Hm… A date?”
“No, it’s not a date. He just had an extra ticket and asked me along, that’s all.”
I denied it a little too fast, and Yui-san’s eyes narrowed into a small smile. She beckoned me over with a curl of her fingers.
“Kanata, come here.”
“…What. I’m going to be late.”
“Just come here.”
I walked over to stand in front of her, and her hand reached out, straight for me. Before I could even wonder what she was doing, her wrist pressed against the side of my neck and dragged, once, in a slow, deliberate stroke.
Sweet. It was Yui-san’s scent. I realized she’d just put perfume on me, and when I looked up, she smiled, bright and pleased with herself.
I was baffled. Why would she do something like that, out of nowhere?
“…Um… Yui-san?”
“A little charm, for a good date. Have fun out there.”
“…I keep telling you, it’s not a date.”
Panicking about being late, I made a show of rushing out, forgetting my umbrella by the door as I left.
I knew perfectly well it was supposed to rain today.
By the time we left the zoo, it was already evening, and the forecast, apparently, had missed the mark.
We’d stood in line for a brief glimpse of the panda, and it had been far cuter than I expected — I hadn’t been to a zoo since elementary school, and I’d ended up enjoying it more honestly than I thought I would.
“The panda was so cute. What now — want to grab a café somewhere?”
I’d agreed to the zoo. I hadn’t agreed to anything after that. Goal accomplished. I’d done really, really well today.
I looked up at the sky, which did seem, conveniently, like it might start pouring any minute — not that I was faking the concern.
“I forgot my umbrella, so I should head home before it really comes down. Thank you for today.”
If I was honest with myself, I’d known from the start, in some vague way, what Hayakawa-kun wanted from this, what he was hoping for.
But I’d finally found a part-time job I actually liked, and I didn’t want some messy tangle of feelings turning it awkward.
“…I see. Okay.”
He deflated, shoulders dropping, and I felt bad about it, but I hoped this would be enough to get the message across, and turned to go — only for a hand to catch my arm and stop me. A man’s hand, knuckled and rough.
“Aozawa, let me walk you home. You spent the whole day with me, it’s the least I can do.”
“You really don’t have to, I had fun today too.”
I had, genuinely, learned that pandas were cuter than expected, and it hadn’t all been bad. I didn’t dislike Hayakawa-kun, exactly…
“Then I won’t feel right about it. Come on, let me.”
That was the mistake — giving in to him pushing, thinking it was close enough anyway.
The downpour that had been threatening all day finally broke just as we came within a few dozen meters of the house.
We bolted the rest of the way, but by the time we arrived, we were both soaked through.
“…Wait, this is your place, Aozawa…?”
“Technically it’s my senior’s place, I’m just staying here. Sorry — I’ll grab you a towel and an umbrella, could you wait at the entrance a second?”
“Whoa… it even has a garage…”
Leaving him gaping, I pressed the intercom. A few seconds later, the door clicked open.
“Welcome back, forgot your keys— wait, what happened? You’re drenched.”
Yui-san’s eyes went round at the sight of me, soaked clean through by the sudden downpour.
“I forgot my umbrella… Sorry, could I borrow a towel for Hayakawa-kun too?”
“H-hi, nice to meet you, I’m Hayakawa Eita…”
“Ah, nice to meet you. Towel, hang on a sec.”
With a breezy greeting, Yui-san disappeared and came back with two towels, handing one over to Hayakawa-kun.
“Hayakawa-kun, was it? Where do you live? It’s pouring — want a ride?”
“Huh? N-no, I’m fine, really. I can take the train.”
His cheeks colored slightly as he shook his head, and I couldn’t help a small, wry smile.
“Yeah? Then borrow an umbrella. You can just have Kanata bring it back to me later.”
Without a second thought, Yui-san grabbed her own umbrella — one of only two in the stand — and handed it straight over to him.
“Yui-san, it’s fine, I’ll lend him mine.”
“Huh, you’re lending yours? That pink one?”
I swallowed the words that had almost come out. It was, admittedly, a little — no, a lot — too girly for a man to be seen carrying.
“…Sorry, could you just bring the umbrella back next shift?”
“Ah, yeah, sure. Sorry, borrowing an umbrella on top of everything… Aozawa, well — thanks for today. See you.”
“Yes. Thank you for walking me back.”
I saw him off and closed the front door, and the moment it clicked shut, exhaustion hit me all at once, and I sighed. My blouse clung wet and unpleasant to my skin, and I was cold.
I’d meant to use the rain as an excuse to get home early, but I honestly hadn’t expected it to come down quite that hard.
“…Kanata, you okay? You’re soaked.”
Yui-san scrubbed roughly at my hair with a thick towel, and I felt, for a second, like a dog getting toweled off.
“…Yui-san, you know…”
“Hm?”
“You’re pretty kind to men too. That surprised me a little.”
I’d assumed her kindness only extended to women. I hadn’t expected her to offer him a ride like that. It threw me, just a bit.
“That’s a stereotype. Liking women doesn’t mean I hate men.”
Of course, I thought. Straight people don’t like the opposite sex because they hate their own — that’s just how it works, and I felt a little embarrassed at how shallow my assumption had been.
“You’re right. Sorry.”
“Anyway, forget that, you’ll catch a cold. Go take a bath — I already ran the water while I was grabbing the towels.”
“…Thank you.”
I was chilled clean through, and her thoughtfulness was genuinely a relief.
Just as I stepped up into the house, Yui-san’s hand reached for me.
Black-polished fingertips brushed the button of my blouse. It came undone, baring my neck to the cool air.
For a second, I had no idea what was happening.
“…W-wait, Yui-san!?”
“Huh?”
Her fingers had just gotten the second button undone when I clutched the front of my blouse shut and scrambled back, putting distance between us.
Yui-san blinked at me, round-eyed, and I glared back at her, not quite believing this.
“W-why are you undressing me…?”
“Oh — ah, sorry. You looked cold and wet, it’s just… habit.”
Just habit.
What kind of habit was that, stripping women out of their clothes. I stared at her, at a loss, and she gave a sheepish little laugh. She really did seem to have done it without thinking.
Annoyed, I shoved her shoulder back and stomped into the house, still in my soaked socks.
“Sorry, don’t be mad.”
“While I’m in the bath, you can dry the hallway floor, Yui-san.”
“It wasn’t on purpose, I promise.”
“Yui-san, you idiot.”
It makes me even more annoyed that it was unconscious, I wanted to say, but I bit it back and fled into the bathroom instead.
My chilled body shivered.
I touched my neck, lightly.
The sweet scent had washed away in the rain somewhere along the way, and now, oddly, its absence left a small ache of its own.
I knew she hadn’t meant anything by it.
My heart hadn’t so much as skipped once, the whole time I’d been with Hayakawa-kun. Now it was pounding, hard, fast, confusing.
“…Why…”
My pulse refused to settle.
Crushed under a feeling I couldn’t even put a name to, I sank down where I stood, and pulled my knees in against my chest.