Episode 30: Just a Little While Longer, Let Me Stay Like This
When I arrived at this inn, I thought choosing futons over beds had been the right call.
But now, I find myself reconsidering — perhaps it was a bad move after all.
Even after what happened, Yui-san grabbed the edge of the futon laid out in the tatami room, pressed the two together snugly, then smiled brightly and said, “Let’s sleep together.”
Right, that’s the sort of person she is.
Fresh from the bath, my flushed body still warm, I was pulled by the arm and dragged into the futon.
The lamp in the corner cast a faint glow over the room, its warm light creating an indescribable atmosphere.
“Yui-san, haven’t you been a bit too forceful lately?”
When she said it with that beaming smile, it sapped my resolve and I couldn’t refuse.
Refusing would be like declaring, “I’m conscious of you.” There was only one choice.
“Did you mind sleeping together?”
Her expression made it clear she knew I didn’t mind. Yui-san fundamentally wouldn’t do anything I disliked.
“If it’s just sleeping… I don’t mind.”
I slipped under the futon and lay on my back.
Yui propped herself up on her elbow, facing me. She lifted the edge of my futon and slid her body in without hesitation.
As she patted my stomach gently through the futon, I started to feel like she was putting me to sleep.
“Aren’t you going to sleep…?”
“I will. But I want to watch you a little longer.”
We live in the same house, so she could see me anytime. Yui-san sometimes says things like this.
When life gets hectic, it’s easy to forget, but I think Yui-san surely understands that each day doesn’t just come around as a matter of course.
A soft, gentle hand stroked my cheek, then her fingertips traced my neckline, lightly tracing a certain spot.
What are you doing? When I looked at Yui-san, I noticed her eyes were fixed on my neck.
“…What is it?”
“Kanata, you’re so pale, marks show up on you straight away, don’t they?”
A mark? What are you talking about — just as I started to say that, I remembered when we’d bathed together.
My head was foggy then, so I hadn’t noticed, but I think she’d sucked my neck quite hard.
“Sorry, I left a hickey.”
I hastily pressed my hand to my neck. I knew full well that bruising wouldn’t vanish that easily.
Yui-san grinned mischievously. Without thinking, I gave her a light jab in the side.
“You did that on purpose, didn’t you…!”
“I didn’t mean to. Sorry, forgive me.”
She gently took my hand and kissed my palm. Was she really not doing it on purpose? She looked so satisfied.
“…Will my hair cover it…?”
“You don’t need to hide it. It’s not that noticeable.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
That delighted look on her face was definitely fake. It’s not like anyone’s going to see me naked, and it’s not like it’s going to cause any trouble, but I decided I’d check properly in the mirror tomorrow.
My heart was pounding steadily. In this state, would I be able to sleep tonight?
This was only the second time I’d slept with Yui-san. The night we watched the fireworks, I’d just slept beside her.
Even that had made me so nervous I couldn’t sleep properly.
But even though I’m nervous and my heart’s pounding, strangely, I don’t dislike it.
I vaguely think that the girls Yui-san plays with must know so many sides of her that I don’t know.
That night she didn’t come home, and that night too, someone I didn’t know slept like this in her arms.
I grip the hem of Yui-san’s yukata tightly.
“…Do you always do this when you sleep with other girls?”
At that question, Yui-san’s hand, which had been stroking my hair, stopped abruptly.
“…What’s wrong, all of a sudden?”
Even if I asked, Yui-san wouldn’t answer. That’s right—she knows that if she said anything, I’d start saying troublesome things. The clever girl must be rapidly thinking up an excuse that won’t upset me.
“Haven’t I told you many times? That you’re special. I don’t do this with anyone else.”
“…Why am I special?”
“Because I like you.”
“You absolutely say the same thing to everyone. You’re kind to everyone, Yui-san. That’s why everyone ends up liking you.”
I couldn’t quite believe it. I’d never seen how Yui-san interacted with other girls, so it was all just speculation.
But Yui-san dismissed it flatly.
“That’s not true. You’re misunderstanding. Everyone just likes my fingers.”
Her bluntness made my heart ache.
Yui doesn’t play with troublesome girls.
But isn’t that just her subtly pressuring them with “If you want to play with me, don’t cause trouble,” without ever bothering to find out what they really feel?
If that weren’t the case, there’d be no explanation for that mountain of historical drama Blu-ray sets Yui brought home.
—Judging by how she tilted her head in puzzlement that day, I reckon she still doesn’t realise it was all Ritsu’s scheme.
“…Isn’t that contradictory? You like me, so why are you having sex with other girls?”
“No, really, lately I haven’t been doing much…”
“Haven’t been doing much” means it’s not zero, after all.
Well, we’re not lovers, and I’m not fulfilling her desires, so I’ve no right to blame her if those desires turn elsewhere.
“You’re being disloyal, aren’t you, Yui-san? If… I ended up falling for you, would you take responsibility?”
When I said it, pouting my lips accusingly, Yui-san blinked several times in quick succession.
“Responsibility… hmm. I don’t know. We couldn’t get married… couldn’t have children either… Hmm, it’s difficult, isn’t it?”
Marriage, children – is that what “responsibility” means to Yui? Saying something like that, I think it’s absolutely impossible in Japan today.
A relationship that can be easily established between opposite sexes with a mere piece of paper is something that, no matter how hard you struggle, is difficult to attain between same sexes.
“…Marriage and children? Are you thinking that far ahead, Yui-san?”
“It’s not that far ahead. You might not understand now, Kanata.”
“…Is that why you don’t have a lover, Yui-san?”
When I asked timidly, Yui-san gave a faint smile. A smile that could be interpreted as either right or wrong.
“Well, it’s not the only reason… But no matter how much I like someone, there are things I absolutely cannot give. Since breaking up is inevitable once we start dating, it would only hurt the other person. That’s why I don’t have girlfriends.”
Yui-san’s resolve, stated so decisively, seemed far firmer than I had imagined.
“So… I can’t take responsibility, and I can’t make promises… but even so, I like you, Kanata. Is that not enough?”
Her gentle hand caressed my cheek tenderly. She’s such a loving person, so why is she so stubborn?
My father said Yukiyasu-san was stubborn like him, but I think Yui-san is just as stubborn.
“I… I don’t want just ‘liking’ you. It’s not enough. If I like someone, I want to possess them entirely and make proper promises. I want you to only have eyes for me, not look at other girls.”
Hey, Yui-san. I’m talking to you. I stare intently into those eyes and pour out my feelings.
Whether she understood or not, the eyes that had been fixed on me softened into a gentle squint.
“Hehe…”
Yui-san couldn’t hold back and laughed.
“…You thought it was a bother just now, didn’t you?”
“Hmm, no — you’re adorable. Whoever becomes Kanata’s lover will be truly lucky.”
Why imagine my future with someone else? Don’t you like me? If so, why can’t Yui-san picture a future with me?
“Yui-san… you say you like me, yet you don’t want to be my girlfriend. You can’t know whether we’d break up or not without trying, can you?”
“…Well, if Kanata begged me to be your girlfriend, I’d consider it.”
“Why should I be the one asking…?”
You say you like me, so you absolutely should be the one to say it.
Frustrated, I lightly punched Yui-san’s stomach, and she laughed.
“Come on, let’s sleep now. We’ve got an early start tomorrow. We’re going to eat black eggs, aren’t we?”
“You always dodge it like that. I hate that about you, Yui-san.”
“Don’t say you dislike me. I adore you, Kanata.”
Smoothly, an arm slipped between my pillow and neck. Before I knew it, it had wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me close, fitting me perfectly within its embrace.
She was giving me her arm as a pillow. I felt an unexpected pang of emotion. Enveloped in her lovely scent, I closed my eyes.
Oh well. It’s warm and comfortable, so I’ll let her get away with it today.
Even though you say you like me, you refuse to be mine. I truly can’t stand how hateful you are.
“…I’m sorry for being so sneaky. I’ll talk properly someday. Just let me stay like this a little longer.”
The voice whispering in my ear was unusually weak, unlike the usual Yui-san.
Even if Yui-san still has something she can’t tell me, I felt it was alright for now.
Every time I saw this vulnerable side of her, I found myself unable to say anything.
Because I’d come to realise that Yui-san wasn’t as strong as she appeared.
I’m certain it was precisely that part of you that I fell in love with.