Episode 9
How long had I been sitting here, watching the steam rise from a penguin-patterned mug? Seriha, seated across the small folding table, was watching me in silence, saying nothing.
One deep breath.
“So — listen…”
“I’ve been running away. From enjoyable things. From happy things. From all of that.”
“The reason — I can’t go into it in depth. I’m sorry.”
— I never thought you meant it that seriously. I’m sorry, it surprised me.
— Goodbye, Hiito. It was fun.
Please. Be quiet for a moment.
An unwelcome memory flashing back.
The eyes watching me without a word met mine. She was intending to stay silent until I’d finished speaking.
“I don’t know the reason, but — when you said you liked me, it made me genuinely happy. I know it takes courage to say something like that, and it made me feel like someone could actually see me — even hollow me.”
Another deep breath. I force my trembling knees still.
“I think being with you would probably be wonderful. You’re kind, you’re perceptive — you’re lovely.”
For just a moment, those large eyes waver.
“But the more clearly I can see a happy future — the greater the pain when it ends. And I don’t think I could bear that.”
My throat is dry. I want to reach for the mug in front of me, but my hands won’t lift from my knees — stuck there, as though pinned.
What kind of expression am I making right now? Blank? Crying? Smiling? I can’t tell.
“No matter how wonderful a dream is — waking from it leaves you feeling empty, doesn’t it?”
“A dream that’s still wonderful once you’ve woken up — that doesn’t exist. It can’t.”
I say it absolutely. I state it as fact.
“So — I can’t answer your confession.”
“If I look like I’m in pain — that’s probably why.”
Had I managed to answer her question properly? I’d never told this to anyone before, so I couldn’t be sure I’d said it clearly.
Avoiding the colour called Ichikawa Seriha — choosing the one closer to colourless and transparent. The same thing I’ve always done, over and over.
I couldn’t look at her face. I looked down. Even the little penguin on the mug seemed to be laughing at me now.
She stretched out slowly, as if loosening a body that had gone rigid — and turned a soft smile toward me.
“Senpai.”
“First of all — thank you for telling me all of that. It wasn’t something you wanted to talk about, and I can tell you pushed yourself to say it for my sake. That meant a lot to me.”
How can she be smiling, after everything I just said. Has she lost her mind?
“I don’t know what brought you to this way of living, and I don’t think I need to. I’m not going to ask.”
“So — just let me say one thing.”
That serious face again.
What on earth is she going to say. Even I can’t make complete sense of what I said — I can’t imagine anyone else understanding it.
“You wake from a wonderful dream, and a dull world is waiting for you on the other side. Living in that world is too painful — so you give up on dreaming altogether. Is that what you mean, senpai?”
A small nod.
“So you’ve been living in pain all this time. Even though you’d love nothing more than to enjoy all sorts of things — you bind yourself up like a penance.”
A penance. That’s a good way to put it.
“When you wake from a dream — you ride on to the next one.”
“Would that not work?”
My hands tighten in my lap.
“Ride on… to the next dream…”
The words slip out of me like something murmured in a daze.
That’s strange, I think. It’s probably impossible.
“No dream lasts forever — surely. Just as you say, senpai, every dream ends eventually. Every single one.”
“But it’s all right for them to end. Dreams can be dreamed as many times as you like — so you just keep going round and round, through dream after dream.”
It’s like a spell. Once you’ve entered the dream, you can never leave.
My vision blurs. A drop spills from my eye, traces my cheek, and falls onto the back of my tightly clenched hand. The grip I’ve been holding begins to come undone.
“I’ll take you to all sorts of dreams, senpai. Staying in just one dream your whole life is no fun, is it?”
“I’m taking back what I said about giving up.”
“Hiito-senpai.”
“I love you. Will you stay with me?”
“Let me show you so many dreams.”