Episode 5: If You Don’t Like It, You Can Push Me Off.
“Have you ever… had sex?”
The words landed like a bomb.
— A quiet bomb, dropped from above me through the covers.
(What… did she just…?)
I understood the words. I couldn’t absorb them.
Something at the centre of my body locked up, and the moisture drained from the back of my throat.
A phone notification bled into the edge of my vision.
That pale light traced the outline of Riwa-san’s face, and somehow made everything more real.
Body heat through the fabric.
I couldn’t — breathe properly.
(…ah. She’s messing with me. That’s what this is.)
(This is just normal to people like Riwa-san — a kind of communication I don’t understand yet.)
(It doesn’t mean anything. I just happened to be the one next to her.)
(If I act weird about it, she’ll think I can’t take a joke.)
The hand on my neck had been there the whole time.
Every time those fingers shifted, my body shook on its own.
I couldn’t breathe normally anymore.
“I haven’t… I mean, I’ve never been with anyone.”
“…That’s my answer.”
The voice I’d tried to make sound calm came out smaller than I expected.
I looked away to hide it.
But —
“Oh yeah? Always on your own? Hm~…”
Riwa-san murmured it with her hand still on my neck.
Then her fingers traced the back of it, slow.
Cool fingertips against warm skin — a shiver shot down my spine.
“…Is there someone you like?”
“No — there’s nobody! …You’ve been making fun of me this whole time, haven’t you?!”
I was angry at myself for not being able to hide it.
But more than that — I was scared by how completely this person, who kept crossing line after line, was pulling me apart.
“…So. Wanna check the answer?”
“Do you like me?”
…?
“Wh — what?! How does that follow?! Stop saying weird things — stop playing with me — !”
“But it’s pretty obvious, you know~?”
Riwa-san’s voice was smiling. And it hit somewhere.
“Mio-chan — you look at me a lot.”
(…what?)
A beat. Then, thud — her heartbeat, spread through my ears.
“Like, I’d think I felt someone watching, and every time I’d turn around — every time, it was you.”
(I didn’t mean to…)
I looked away.
My face was burning. For some reason my fingertips ached too, and without thinking I twisted the futon tight in my hands.
“And when I’d smile at you, you’d kind of go shy and look away.”
— That was true.
It was true. I’d been looking.
Across the desk.
The side of her face turned toward her screen.
The way she gathered her hair up.
Every time she stood from her seat, I’d turn toward the sound of her footsteps.
The voice when she laughed with someone — I’d watched that too.
(…but that was just —)
Something that just caught my eye.
Or it felt like she was looking first.
That’s all it was.
(Was it?)
(Was that really it?)
(From the start —)
The world went quiet. Her voice, the sounds of the room — nothing. Only my own pulse, loud and enormous.
I’d been watching her.
“When someone’s been watching me like that — they always kind of flinch, first. Like this.”
“And then if you touch them a little… their body answers.”
“You’re like that too, aren’t you, Mio-chan?”
Like that — what does that mean?
I’d thought people like Riwa-san were hard to be around.
Bright, free, relentlessly sure of themselves.
Too dazzling to look at directly. Frightening.
(…but.)
Maybe I’d been envious. The whole time.
Something so unlike me it was almost frightening.
But was that all?
Was staring just admiration — ?
(…no.)
It wasn’t just looking.
I’d wanted to be noticed.
Words jammed in my throat.
All I could do was bite my trembling lip.
And I looked down.
◇◆◇◆◇
“Hey~, Mio-chan. Are you… okay with girls?”
She leaned over me and said it.
Disguised as teasing — but feeling like a test.
“I’m fine with anything, for what it’s worth~”
“…That’s — that’s not what this is… If you’re just joking, please — please stop…”
The backs of my eyes ached. My throat was all but closed.
Is it real? Is it a lie? Why now?
…This is — unfair.
“Hm.”
A beat, and then her voice dropped, right beside my ear.
“…What if it is a joke?”
“What…?”
“If it’s just playing around — would you push me off?”
Her breath grazed my earlobe. A shudder ran through me.
My arms and legs wouldn’t work right. It wasn’t fear — my body just wouldn’t listen.
“But what if I meant it — ?”
There was nothing left of the teasing in her voice now.
“I know I’m needy, I talk too much, people say I’m sloppy — but —”
Slowly, fingers met my neck. Not through the covers. Directly against my skin, now.
The warmth was unbelievably hot, and gentle.
Like it was dissolving every thought I had.
“When I realised you were watching me — I felt something go through me.”
I held my breath.
I didn’t want to understand what that meant.
“…If you think this is just playing around —”
She tilted her head, looking into my face.
“— want to play a little more…?”
“…”
“If you don’t like it, you can push me off.”
Such an unfair thing to say.
Pretending to be gentle. Putting every choice on me.
And yet —
My body didn’t move at all.
The futon was pulled back.
A cool slip of night air across bare skin.
And then, almost immediately, her warmth took it away.
“Mio-chan.”
My name, and I forgot to breathe.
Again.
Her weight settled against my legs.
Sinking into the deepest part of me.
Slowly.
Like something falling from above.