Episode 30: When the Feelings Can’t Be Held Back Any Longer
Friday night, ten o’clock.
It had been the welcome party for Igarashi, our newest hire. We’d finished the second round, and the staff, faces flushed and pleasantly drunk, were filing out of the bar.
The fresh outside air mixed with the alcohol pleasantly, and I found myself taking a deep breath without meaning to.
“Alright, let’s call it here. Everyone get home safe, okay? Good work, everyone~”
Saeko, who’d organised the whole thing, gave her loose, easy laugh and waved the others off.
After the group scattered, it was just Saeko and me left.
I was turning to head home when —
“Reina, want to grab a drink?”
A hand landed on my shoulder, light. Pat.
Saeko’s gentle eyes, looking straight at me.
I don’t know why, but I couldn’t refuse that night, and the two of us ducked under the curtain of a small, independently-run izakaya that allowed smoking.
＊＊＊
We sat side by side at the counter, whisky in hand, cigarette smoke curling up between us. Talking shop, and before I knew it Saeko’s glass was already empty.
She’s someone whose expression never changes no matter how much she drinks, usually — but tonight, unusually, her face was flushed, her eyes unfocused.
“Saeko, isn’t your pace a little fast tonight?”
“Ahaha, maybe. Well, there’s been some stuff going on.”
“Stuff?”
“Yeah. This girl I used to live with — she’s working as a cleaner in our building now, of all things. We ran into each other there. …I was pretty shocked, honestly.”
Saeko said it and slowly let out a stream of smoke.
My heart gave one heavy, loud beat.
Ah. So that’s it.
So it really was true, after all.
In that instant, I felt the blood draining from my whole body.
Only now did I realise: some corner of me had been hoping Matsuyama’s story was a lie.
“…I see.”
I put on an unbothered face and dropped just that much. It was all I could manage. Underneath, my pulse was hammering, restless.
“Yeah. Totally out of character for me, but I told her I wanted to get back together. Told her to come home. …I guess I’d fallen for her pretty hard.”
Saeko said it with a faintly self-mocking profile.
“…Did you… have a relationship with her? With that girl?”
A question I had no business asking. The words were out of my mouth before I’d thought it through.
We really had just lived together. Nothing happened.
It was impossible, and yet — maybe, somewhere, I’d let myself hope for exactly that.
“Eh? Where’s this coming from. …We were together every day, so… well, you know.”
My whole body went cold. No words would come.
Saeko took a sip of the whisky she’d ordered and set the glass down slowly on the counter.
“Her kissing was incredible, you know. For someone so young.”
She said it with that loose, easy laugh, breathing smoke out slowly.
I didn’t want to picture it, and yet it surfaced anyway. Yuno’s lips touching Saeko’s. Overlapping. Tongues twining together. The scene played out whether I wanted it or not.
My chest gave a sharp, stabbing pain.
I knew it was stupid, knew there was no reason to be thinking about this, and still the image in my head wouldn’t disappear.
I drank the whisky, desperately trying to drown it out, and still it wouldn’t go.
“When it feels good, she holds her voice back, you know? That’s what made it so cute.”
A thin smile, her gaze dropping to the tilted glass. Soft eyes, the kind you’d use looking at something precious.
“When I asked her to do more, she got bolder and bolder, gradually. Like she was returning everything she’d learned, giving it right back to me.”
Every time Saeko’s voice reached my ears, someone’s outline tried to take shape in my head.
The face that would be waiting for me when I got home.
Popping her head up from the sofa, narrowing her sleepy eyes, smiling that soft, easy welcome back.
Saeko’s voice dropped lower.
“That girl — she’s normally so cute, but she gets this surprisingly sultry look on her face. At times like that.”
I couldn’t look directly at that face of hers.
What expression does Yuno wear, when Saeko touches her? I didn’t want to think about it, and thought about it anyway.
I didn’t want to know, and yet some part of me wanted to know too — and that contradiction made it hurt all the more.
Something thick and black clung from my chest up through my throat. The feel of it crept through me, slowly, eating away, and no words would come.
Something I couldn’t even name myself was writhing through my whole body, scorching, little by little, against the inside of my ribs. That’s the sensation it was.
“…Hff… what is that.”
All I could do was force a laugh and say it, calm. My own small voice dissolved uselessly into the air along with the cigarette smoke.
“Ahaha, sorry, sorry. What am I even saying. Bad, huh — I’m pretty drunk.”
“You really are. You’re drinking too much.”
Saeko laughed, big and unrestrained, then her eyes dropped, a little.
“…Still, I’m the worst, aren’t I. Even if it was just a moment’s lapse, I brought another woman home, and now I’m conveniently asking her to come back. I know that.”
Saeko went on, tracing a finger along the rim of her whisky glass.
“I never thought I’d see her again. …And once I did, the feelings just wouldn’t stay down.”
A short pause. Her finger stopped on the glass, and she murmured, quietly:
“I wonder if she’d come back to me. I keep thinking — next time, I’d treasure her properly.”
Her voice was like talking to herself. Just words that had spilled out on a drunken night.
I couldn’t say anything.
A sharp, stinging ache, deep in my chest. Like something with pointed nails had taken hold of my heart directly. Every breath I drew in, the nails dug in a little further, pressing, piercing.
I’d known. I’d known all along.
It was me who’d decided to keep the lid on.
Against someone as captivating as Saeko, there was no chance of winning.
There never had been a chance, to begin with.
As if just remembering, Saeko turned back toward me.
“What about your place? Is the housemate still living there?”
“Ah. Yeah.”
“Huh. Must be coming up on three months now?”
“About that, yeah.”
“It’s pretty rare for you to live with someone that long, Reina. You sure you don’t actually like her?”
She said it with a teasing look, poking lightly at my arm.
My heart throbbed again, hard enough it felt like it was being wrung out.
“You sure you don’t actually like her?”
Like.
I like Yuno.
I didn’t want to admit it.
If I admitted it now, I felt like everything would come to an end.
＊＊＊
I got back to the apartment and opened the door.
Yuno, who’d apparently been dozing on the sofa, lifted her head, noticed me, and narrowed her eyes into that soft, easy smile.
Then she came pattering over in small quick steps and wrapped her arms gently around my waist.
“Welcome home. You’re late.”
The face looking up at me was sleepy, hair a little mussed, smiling that loose, soft expression. An unguarded face, knowing nothing.
— She got bolder and bolder, gradually.
Saeko’s words surfaced again in my head.
A sharp throb of pain. My heart was hammering, restless. Even this close, even with her hand warm against me, it only made it hurt more.
“It was just the work party. You should’ve just gone to sleep.”
Even as I said it, I knew — there I went again, that distancing tone.
I pushed gently at Yuno’s shoulder and pulled my body away.
“Going to take a shower.”
Without a glance back, I headed for the bathroom.
I thought I could feel Yuno’s gaze following me the whole way.
No matter how thoroughly I washed myself clean under the shower, the thick, black something clinging to my chest refused to disappear.