Episode 81: Midsummer

Thanks to Endo’s insistence, we’ve decided to bring back our weekly study sessions.

I don’t really mind, but I can’t help wondering if the prefectural tournament isn’t just around the corner. When I voiced my concern about the tournament, she said, ‘Well, it is exam season, so I suppose I really ought to be studying.’ It’s true, we third-years have our university entrance exams coming up this winter.

　School life is always hectic.
It feels like only yesterday that our high school entrance exams were over, and now the university entrance exams are already beginning.

When I enrolled in this school, I resolved to lie low for three years and do my best to live up to my parents’ expectations.

I used to think that as long as I could study, that was all that mattered in high school. The thought that I just wanted my parents to notice me, even a little, never went away, and every day felt suffocating.

Until she stopped me from committing suicide—

　Thanks to the girl sitting next to me, I don’t feel quite so suffocated now. When I first enrolled, I never imagined my life would turn out like this. I’d simply steeled myself to endure a daily grind of misery.

　I’m grateful to Endo-san.
　That’s why I want to repay her in any way I can.

　I’m studying in Endo-san’s room right now, but I feel she’s sitting uncomfortably close.

　I can’t concentrate.

　Ever since I started to care about Endo-san, I feel like my heart beats even louder whenever I’m with her. It’s not loud enough to bother me if I ignore it, so I’ve decided to just pay no mind to my body.

‘Takizawa, your face is red.’

　As she said that and reached out to touch my forehead, I reflexively brushed her hand away.

‘…Sorry.’

　It’s not that I didn’t want her to touch me.
　When Endo-san touches me, it gives me this indescribable feeling. That’s why I don’t really want her to touch me.

　Endo-san looked terribly sad because of me.

　I suppose it was a mistake to live honestly with these feelings after all.

“Sorry. I don’t have a temperature, so I’m fine. Anyway, Endo-san, you’ve really gotten good at studying, haven’t you?”
“It’s all thanks to you, Takizawa-sensei!”

　Her eyes sparkled as she said it, looking rather smug.
I didn’t want her to get too carried away, so I gave her cheek a gentle tug.

“Aaaah, my lovely face!”
“Don’t talk like Mai. But you’re right, if such a pretty face gets hurt, people might hold a grudge against me, so I’ll let you go.”
“Eh… what did you just say?”
“I said your face is pretty. Endo-san is cute, and the boys in our class and other classes say she’s cute too, don’t they?”

In fact, Mai is quite well-informed about that sort of thing, and I often hear her saying things like, “So-and-so has her eye on Hina,” or “So-and-so said Hina was cute the other day.” As it concerns Endo-san, I just prick up my ears and listen, but Endo-san never reacts to any of those comments.
She just lets Mai’s words wash over her, as if she’s not interested.

　As I was lost in these thoughts, I noticed Endo-san’s cheeks turning red before my very eyes.
In the blink of an eye, they had turned as red as an apple.

“It’s pointless if the person I like doesn’t find me attractive…”

Endo-san was muttering to herself in a voice so soft I could barely hear it.

I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, so I gently stroked her flushed cheeks.

　I wonder if Endo-san will ever find a partner.
I’ve had similar thoughts before.
But what’s different now is that Endo-san has become someone important to me.

Even if Endo-san finds a partner, has children and starts a family, she’ll still be someone important to me…
But is it too greedy of me to want to be someone special to Endo-san as well?

I suppose I am being too greedy.

I’d strayed quite far from my studies, so I tried to refocus my attention on my work, but Endo wouldn’t let me.

‘Come to think of it, Takizawa. Do you remember our promise?’
‘—Yeah.’

It was a promise that if Endo made it to the prefectural tournament, I’d tell her which university I wanted to go to. Even if we’d lost that day, I’d still have been determined to talk to Endo-san properly about my future plans.

‘I’d like you to tell me which university you want to go to, Takizawa.’
‘I’m thinking of going to the Faculty of Education at ○○ University.’
‘That’s the one with the famous Faculty of Education, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah. I want to do my best.’
‘I see. I’ll be rooting for you…’

Endo-san looked as though she was deep in thought, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

I wonder where Endo-san wants to go.

A question I both wanted and didn’t want to ask slipped out before I could stop it.

‘What about you, Endo? Are you staying here?’
‘……I’m not sure.’

　It felt like asking any more would make things awkward, so I stopped.

　No, it wasn’t because it would make things awkward that I stopped asking. I stopped because I felt my heart was about to change shape.

　I was reminded once again that my time with Endo would end at graduation. I’d hoped, just a little, that Endo would still be nearby even as a university student.

　My heart aches.

It was my own decision.

To acknowledge that Endo-san is someone important to me, even if we part ways.

‘To be honest, I didn’t really intend to go to university. But now I’ve found something I want to do. It’ll be difficult at my current level, but I’ve started thinking I want to study hard and get into a faculty where I can do what I want. If I don’t get in, I suppose I’ll just get a job…’

　Endo-san looked at me straight in the eye and answered earnestly. Whenever she looks at me like that, I want to look away, but I find I simply cannot.

‘Thanks to you, Takizawa, I might be able to go to a university where I can do what I want. So… thank you. I hope we can stay in touch, okay?’

　Saying that, Endo-san hugged me gently, just as she always does. her arms wrapped around me tenderly, and I felt as though she truly cherished me.

　If I told Endo-san my selfish wish to become someone important to her, would she go away somewhere?

The thought of Endo-san going away made me unconsciously hug her back tightly. When I did, I felt her body tense for a moment, but I didn’t want to let go.

‘Takizawa…?’
‘Hmm?’
‘Don’t you mind me doing this to you?’

　I used to mind.
　I was afraid of being cherished.
　Because I knew this time might one day come to an end.
　Because I knew she might one day disappear from my life.

　But now it’s different.
　My feelings are the opposite of what they were back then; I want to cherish Endo-san.

　—And if I’m lucky, I want to be cherished by her.

　Even if she doesn’t cherish me, and even if she were to disappear from my life, I’d still have so many memories of her in my heart.

　At that moment, I felt that was enough.

“Good luck at the prefectural tournament. I’ll come and cheer you on.”

　Without answering Endo-san’s question, I said that and pulled away from her.

　Endo-san looked completely bewildered.

　Her expression was slightly amusing, and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh.