Episode 118: Feelings

‘This is exciting, Takizawa.’

The woman sitting next to me looks absolutely delighted.

Today is the day I promised to follow Endo-san to wherever she wanted to take me.

She and I have been studying hard ever since the national exams, and as we need a break, I’ve allowed us to treat ourselves today.

February is the coldest month of the year. We’ve had a run of particularly cold days recently, and today the temperature was so low it looked as though it might snow. It’s not just cold, but dry too, so the air stinging my face makes me bury my face in the scarf Endo-san gave me.

We spent the day studying and set off from home in the evening. Endo-san usually wants to go out from the morning, so it’s unusual for us to be heading out at this time.

After grabbing a quick dinner at the station, Endo-san headed towards the train.

‘Where are we going at this time of night?’

It’s winter, so even at six o’clock it’s pitch black outside. I thought it was a bit irresponsible for a high school student to be taking the train somewhere at that hour.

‘Never mind, never mind.’

Endo-san grabbed my hand forcefully and dragged me onto the train. The train rattled along, and after about four stops we got off at a station where there was absolutely nothing.

‘What are we doing?’
‘Never mind, never mind.’

That’s all she’s been saying.

Endo-san ignores what I say and pulls me along. There are few houses around, and we arrive at a large park situated on a slight hill.

With only sparse street lighting, it had a slightly dim, eerie atmosphere. Endo-san sat down on a bench and beckoned me over with a wave of her hand. What on earth had we come here for?

I couldn’t make sense of her at all, and a foggy, unsettled feeling built up in my chest.

As soon as I sat down next to her, she took my hand without asking. I was about to tell her off for being so presumptuous, but she stopped me.

“Takizawa, look up.”

I looked up as she said, and the sight left me speechless.

Countless beautiful stars were shining in the pitch-black sky that stretched on forever.

I swallowed, and forgot to breathe entirely in the face of that beautiful view.

Not a single cloud in sight; the stars shimmering so brightly it almost looked as though they were chatting amongst themselves. It was such a beautiful sight that I thought it must be a rare occasion to see them this clearly.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it——”

I looked over at Endo-san beside me, and she was smiling with such happiness. Seeing that face, warmth began to gather through my whole body.

‘Yeah. Beautiful.’
‘Let’s have a race to see who can spot the Winter Triangle first, shall we?’
‘I’m not that familiar with the stars.’
‘Well, I’ll teach you then.’

Endo-san’s happy voice reached me, and the hand holding mine squeezed tight. She began moving her other hand animatedly as she talked.

‘That reddish one over there is called Betelgeuse. That one over there is Procyon, and that one is Sirius. Though I suppose just saying the names doesn’t help much.”

　Endo-san was pointing her finger at the sky, where I couldn’t possibly see anything, as she explained. I couldn’t possibly admit that I hadn’t been listening properly because I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
　And I hadn’t realised Endo-san knew so much about the stars. Usually, I’m the one teaching her everything, so being able to teach her something like this felt a bit refreshing.

‘Why do you know so much about stars?’
‘Because I love the starry sky¹, so I’ve done loads of research and studied it.’

Perhaps because of the cold, Endo-san’s cheeks were slightly flushed as she looked straight at me. Seeing her like that made me want to know more about the things she loves.

‘I see. Well then, could you teach me more?’

I should have been cold by now, yet I felt as though something was bubbling away inside my chest. I closed the lid to stop it from spilling over. When I said, ‘Teach me more,’ Endo-san continued her explanation with a delighted look on her face.

‘The constellation connected to Betelgeuse is Orion. The one connected to Procyon is Canis Minor. And the one connected to Sirius is Canis Major, isn’t it?’

　Endo-san was pointing all over the sky as if it were a blackboard, explaining as she went. Even her posture looked beautiful; I thought Endo-san was being unfair.

‘I really like the brightest star in Canis Major. It’s pale blue and sparkles, just like Takizawa.’

She said this with a soft chuckle. I wondered if Endo-san was actually enjoying being with me, as all I could do was sit next to her and listen silently.

“It’s Canis Major, so it’s got to be you, Endo-san.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re a bit like a big dog, aren’t you?”

　I’d meant it as a joke, but Endo-san looked at me with an uncharacteristically serious expression.

“How can I get Takizawa to see me as a person?”
“I do see you as a person.”

　Or rather, I wonder if I’ve reached the point where I can no longer even see her as a friend. Just looking at Endo-san is enough to make my heart go haywire.

I don’t even know when it started.

I’m becoming the sort of person who can’t live without her.

That won’t do.

Endo-san is popular and liked by so many people; someone like me isn’t the sort of person who should be by her side.

　My chest suddenly feels tight, and as I breathe to distract myself from the pain, a cold wind seeps into my body and I can feel my lungs growing cold.

Come to think of it, she said she had something important to tell me. And I found myself wanting to ask why she had to bring me here to say it.

“Endo-san, why did you bring me here today?”
‘I wanted to look at the stars with Takizawa. It’s exactly this time of year, four years ago. The day Takizawa and I first met. I wanted to see Hoshizora who saved me, and the starry sky itself. Just kidding.’

　Endo-san gazes at me with a shy smile.

　It just so happened that we lived near each other; we met by chance on a day when Endo-san was struggling; we went to the same high school; and it was she who miraculously stopped me from committing suicide.

　It was all a series of coincidences.

Yet, looking back now, our relationship has become so close that I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t all meant to be.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t met Endo-san—

Would I still be living in that house, trembling in fear of my family?

　…………

Probably, not a single fragment of my soul would have remained here.

My chest was burning with a tingling heat, and yet each breath drew in cold air, and I found myself unable to do anything at all. Perhaps finding my stillness strange, Endo-san leaned in to look at my face — and my chest tightened more than it ever had before, and I looked away toward the beautiful night sky.

Had I not met Endo-san, I would have died without ever knowing joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, or even this emotion welling up inside me right now.

Had I not met Endo-san, I would have ended my life without ever knowing so many emotions.

When I shifted my gaze to Endo-san beside me, she was gazing at the stars with such delight, her breath visible in the cold air.

Endo-san, will you watch the stars beside me again?

Endo-san, will you continue to eat meals with me?

Endo-san, will you keep holding my hand and not let go?

Endo-san, will you stay beside me forever?

Wishes that could never come to fruition welled up within me.

My body moved of its own accord. I had no idea why I’d moved, or why I’d done what I did.

I pulled her close as she gazed at the stars and gently pressed my lips against hers. Releasing the heat I didn’t want to let go of, I looked straight into her face.

‘Endo-san — I love you.’

——What on earth did I just say?

A cold sensation trickled down my cheek, and I began to gradually realise what I had just done.

It seemed I could no longer lie to myself about my feelings, nor hide them.

I loved Endo-san; I didn’t want to let anyone else have her, and I wanted her to stay by my side forever. Those feelings were what filled me, completely.

　Endo-san looked both surprised and lost. Seeing that expression, I deeply regretted what I had just done.

Someone like me must be repulsive. After everything terrible I’ve done to Endo-san — these aren’t words I had any right to say.

A sudden rush of heat flooded my face, and I was running — away from that place, away from her.

I could hear Endo-san calling after me from behind, but I ignored her and kept running.

　Breathing so hard my lungs felt like they were freezing, I ran on in a daze. Before I knew it, I found myself in bed at home, crying — more tears than I could count.

1. Takizawa’s given name Hoshizora, written with the kanji 星空, means “starry sky”. Endo-san’s love of the starry sky could be interpreted as a love of the vast, beautiful expanse of the sky, but we know it primarily means love for Hoshizora. ↩