Episode Forty-Seven: Falling for a Woman Was a First for Me
Everything after that, how I actually got myself away from that spot — I only remember it in fragments.
“Kanata, wait, Kanata!”
I’d broken into a run, and Yui-san, chasing after me, caught my hand, and my feet stopped.
“No, don’t touch me!”
Startled by the sheer volume of my own voice, I spun around, trying to shake her off. My wrist, gripped tight, ached where she held it. This was the first time that hand, always so gentle, had ever grabbed me with this much force.
“I’m not letting go. Kanata, please, just listen.”
Listen — to what, now, of all times? You never once told me anything, this whole time. I’d been waiting, all this time. Why didn’t you tell me something this important, all this time, this whole time?
I looked up at her, glaring, without meaning to. As if flinching from my gaze, those black eyes twisted, on the verge of tears. Why would you make that face. If anyone should be crying right now, it’s me.
“…I never knew you had such a wonderful partner.”
What came out of me sounded, even to my own ears, startlingly cold, and I honestly didn’t know what this feeling welling up in my chest even was.
Anger, or sadness, or both at once. A storm of feeling I’d never experienced before churned, tearing through my heart.
“It’s not that, he’s not my partner. Shinji’s a fiancé, arranged by our parents…”
“That means you’ve promised to get married, doesn’t it. That’s what the rest of the world calls a partner!”
I said it, half-shouting, and I could feel the hand gripping my arm trembling, faintly.
“I’m sorry… really… I knew I had to tell you, but… I just… couldn’t say it…”
A voice so weak, so unlike Yui-san, like it might vanish entirely. Hearing it, the reality of it all came crashing down on me. Ah — this is real.
Yui-san really does have a fiancé, and really does intend to marry him, someday. So that’s what she meant — “since the ending’s already decided, I don’t make girlfriends.” That’s exactly what she meant.
My vision blurred, slowly filling up. It felt like the memories of our life together, the gentle moments, the days I’d cherished, were all coming apart, crumbling with a sound I could almost hear.
Something cold traced down my cheek, and once it started, it wouldn’t stop, spilling over, again and again.
“…Weren’t you… into women, Yui-san…?”
My breath came ragged, and the words I managed to force out shook, embarrassingly.
You said you could never fall for a man, that’s why you never wanted to marry — that’s what you told me.
“The one I love is… only you, Kanata… I swear, it’s not a lie. That I can’t love a man — that’s true too.”
“Then why… are you really… marrying Kitagami-san…? He’s a man, though…”
“…I’m sorry, for staying silent…”
I didn’t want to hear sorry. I wanted her to say it wasn’t true, even as a lie. Because saying sorry meant admitting the marriage was real.
Once I understood that, the tears spilled out, messy, like a child’s. My chest ached, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I might die.
“Kanata…”
Yui-san, startled, reached out to wipe at my tears. But I knocked her hand away with everything I had.
“…I hate you. I hate you, Yui-san. I hate you so much!!”
I lifted my downcast face and looked her straight on, forcing the words out with everything I had.
Yui-san, standing there, wore an expression more wounded than I’d ever seen on her — and, unable to bear it, I turned and ran.
I had nowhere to go. I didn’t even know where to go.
Because the place I called home had always been wherever Yui-san was. Now, there was nowhere left to call home at all.
Yui-san didn’t come after me.
*
I don’t know how much time passed after that. Sitting blankly on a park bench, my phone rang.
Seeing the name on the screen, my mind went blank, and I tapped the call button anyway.
“…Hello.”
“Kanata-chan? Where are you right now?”
Answering on reflex, I registered, a beat late — ah, it’s Ritsu-san’s voice.
“Where… am I, even…”
I’d run so hard I had no idea where I’d ended up. I’d collapsed, exhausted, onto a bench in whatever park I’d reached. Through the phone, I could tell Ritsu-san let out a small breath.
“I’ll come get you. Can you send me your location?”
Come get me? Ritsu-san? It hit me, immediately — Yui-san must have contacted her. She’d probably known, if she called me herself, that I wouldn’t pick up.
“…Are you planning to tell Yui-san where I am?”
“I won’t tell her. I’m coming myself, trust me.”
Hearing Ritsu-san’s steady, composed voice, my mind slowly drifted back toward reality. Alone, nowhere to go, at a total loss — her offer was, genuinely, a relief.
“I’m sorry… thank you.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there soon, just wait.”
I sent my location to Ritsu-san and looked up at the night sky. Infuriatingly overcast, not a single star visible.
Even though it’s early spring, the nights are still cold. My body, which should have been warmed by the alcohol, had gone completely cold.
From all the crying, my eyelids felt heavy. Like standing right at the border between reality and a dream, time slipped past in a blur.
*
“Kanata-chan!”
After a while like that, still unable to move, a familiar voice reached me, and I lifted my head. Ritsu-san came running up, brows drawn together, worried.
“Ritsu-san…”
“You okay? Must’ve been cold.”
She said it and took my frozen hand, holding it tight. Warm. I felt the tears threatening to spill again.
“…How much do you actually know? About me and Yui-san?”
Kindness cuts deep into a heart already worn down. I could feel the tears welling back up, ready to spill. Looking up at her, my voice shaking, Ritsu-san answered, awkward, “Sorry, I heard everything from Yui.”
“Anyway, come stay at my place tonight. I’ve already told Yui.”
She said it and took my hand. I didn’t think I could go back to the house where Yui-san was, so I nodded, small. I knew I was troubling Ritsu-san, but right now, I wanted to lean on that kindness.
*
Ritsu-san’s place was a one-bedroom apartment near a station, not far from our university. Coming from out of the prefecture, Ritsu-san lives alone.
Unlike Yui-san’s spare, empty room, hers was tidy but had a lived-in feel to it — very Ritsu-san.
Thick books stacked on the table, covered in sticky notes. Clear proof she actually reads and studies properly. Flashy as she looks, she does hang around Yui-san, after all — of course she’d naturally be capable academically too.
Urged to sit on the sofa, I settled in, and Ritsu-san brought out iced tea. Right — my throat was parched. I murmured a small thank you for this and wet my lips.
Sitting beside me, Ritsu-san peered into my face, worried.
“…Feeling a little calmer?”
“…Yes. Sorry, and thank you, for coming to get me.”
The clock hands were closing in on midnight. She was supposed to be at the afterparty — I felt genuinely bad, dragging her all the way out here.
“So… can I ask what happened, with Yui?”
You don’t have to say if you don’t want to, Ritsu-san added. By the time I’d followed her home, I think I’d already braced myself to talk about it — or maybe, I’d just wanted someone to listen.
I couldn’t process this feeling on my own.
“…This was about a month ago, now. I got drunk, and slept with Yui-san.”
“Pfft!!!”
Ritsu-san choked, spraying out the iced tea she’d just sipped. It might have been a bombshell to drop, but with my head still reeling from shock, I had no capacity left to soften it.
Reacting that strongly — had she really not known?
“You didn’t know? I figured Yui-san would have told you.”
“Ah, no, I mean — I knew, or, I’d guessed, but I never expected those words to actually come out of your mouth, Kanata-chan, it just caught me off guard. Go on, though.”
“…As a starting point, I’ve only ever dated men. So falling for a woman was a first for me.”
I kept my eyes fixed, blank, on the water droplets beading on the iced tea glass, and continued.
“I thought our feelings had connected. Yui-san kept saying she doesn’t make girlfriends, but… I really believed she genuinely liked me. That there was some reason she couldn’t be my girlfriend, but that someday, maybe…”
Ritsu-san made a small sound of agreement and gently rubbed my shoulder.
“But… Yui-san has a fiancé. Did you know, Ritsu-san?”
I don’t think Ritsu-san knew. If she had, I think she would have stopped me from falling for Yui-san. Because that’s the kind of person she is.
“…I only just heard it from Yui, a little while ago.”
“I see… So I was the other woman, then.”
Yui-san had intended to marry Kitagami-san from the very start. That’s why she never told me. Maybe it really was just something like a fling, over her four years of college. Maybe, to Yui-san, I really was just one more girl among the crowd.
Stated as plain, objective fact, maybe that’s exactly what it was. But some part of me can’t quite believe it. Some part of me doesn’t want to believe it. I pressed a hand against the necklace at my chest. I want to believe there was no lie in the words Yui-san gave me, telling me I was special.
“…Kanata-chan. I’ve been watching Yui since freshman year, and she’s genuinely changed. She quit playing around with women completely, and from every possible angle, Yui is in love with you. That much, I’m certain of. What Yui did really was awful, unforgivable. But I want you to believe, at least, that her feelings for you weren’t a lie. I guarantee it.”
Gripping my hand tight, Ritsu-san said it with a genuinely serious look in her eyes.
“Then why is Yui-san… going to marry Kitagami-san…? She’s into women, though…”
“…Her father doesn’t know Yui’s gay. It’s not like an ordinary family, you know. As careless as she seems, she’s still the heir to one of Japan’s leading conglomerates.”
Hearing that, ah, I understood, and accepted it. All over again, I found myself thinking of the sheer weight of what the person I’d fallen for was carrying.
That her family wasn’t like an ordinary one — I’d seen it, over and over, and somehow it had completely slipped my mind anyway.
That absurdly luxurious detached house, too extravagant for a college student living alone. The car. The hotel suite where we’d watched the fireworks. All of it.
Every single thing Yui-san had was hers because she’s the “daughter of a conglomerate family.”
Someone like that, falling in love the way ordinary people do — let alone dreaming of a future with someone of the same sex — there was no way that could ever be possible.
That’s why Yui-san had always been staring straight at the ending that was coming, someday. Probably, this whole time.
I remembered the promise we’d made on her birthday. Such a small, fragile wish. Just a promise to be the first to celebrate her birthday, every year, nothing more.
I’d believed I could keep it. However many years it took, as long as she stayed by my side, forever.
Looking back, from the very start, Yui-san had never asked anything of me. Never once expecting anything in return, she’d just kept giving, endlessly, nothing but kindness and love.
It was me who wanted something. Only I had ever kept wanting Yui-san, all this time.
Ritsu-san gently wiped away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling.
“…I think what you do from here is something you should decide for yourself, Kanata-chan. Whatever Yui says, choose whatever path you know you won’t regret.”
I can’t say it. That I want her to throw away everything she’s carrying, for my sake, and choose me instead. That kind of thing.
There’s no way I could ever say that — to the person I love this much.