Episode 47: It Was the First Time I Had Ever Liked a Woman

After that, I only remember fragments of how I managed to escape from the scene.

“Kanata, wait, Kanata!”

Yui-san, who had chased after me as I ran off, grabbed my hand, stopping me in my tracks.

“No, don’t touch me!”

I turned around, trying to shake off her hand, shouting louder than I expected myself. My wrist, gripped tightly, ached like it was creaking. It was the first time that hand, usually so gentle, had touched me so forcefully.

“I won’t let go. Kanata, please, just listen to me.”

Listen? What, now? You never told me anything. I waited all this time. Why didn’t you tell me something this important? Why did you keep it from me for so long?

Without thinking, I looked up at Yui, glaring at her. Her dark eyes, as if frightened by my gaze, twisted as if she might cry at any moment. Why are you making that face? I’m the one who wants to cry.

“…I had no idea you had such a wonderful lover.”

The words that came out were surprisingly cold, even to me. I couldn’t quite grasp what the emotion welling up inside my chest was.

Was it anger? Sadness? Both? A whirlpool of unfamiliar feelings churned and stirred my heart.

“No, he wasn’t a lover. Shinji was a fiancé arranged by our parents…”

“You mean you were promised to marry him, right? That’s what people generally call a lover!”

As I half-shouted this, I felt the hand gripping my arm tremble ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry… truly… I knew I had to tell you… but I just… couldn’t bring myself to…”

　It was an uncharacteristically faint, fragile voice, almost as if she might vanish. Hearing it, the realisation washed over me: ah, this is true.

So Yui really does have an engagement… and intends to marry him in the future. I see. That’s why she said, “Since the breakup is certain, I won’t have a lover.” That’s what it meant.

　My vision slowly blurred, filling with tears. The memories of living together, the tender recollections, the days filled with affection – it felt as though they were crumbling away with a sound.

I felt something cold run down my cheek, then it just kept flowing, unstoppable.

“…Yui… weren’t… you… attracted to women…?”

My breath caught in my throat, and the words I barely managed to squeeze out trembled pitifully.

You said you couldn’t love men, that you’d never wanted to marry one.

“The only one I love… is you, Kanata… I swear, it’s not a lie. It’s true I can’t love a man.”

“Then why… …really… marry Kitakami-san…? But he’s a man…”

“…I’m sorry I kept quiet…”

I didn’t want her to say sorry. I wanted her to say it wasn’t true, even if it was a lie. Because that would mean she was affirming the marriage.

Once I understood, tears fell like a child’s, streaming down my face. My chest hurt so much I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I might die.

“Kanata…”

Yui-san gasped, reaching out to wipe my tears. But I flung her hand away.

“…I hate you. I hate you, Yui-san. I absolutely hate you!!”

I lifted my lowered face and stared straight at Yui-san, forcing the words out.

　Because the Yui-san before me wore an expression of hurt I’d never seen before — I couldn’t help but bolt from the spot, running as if to escape.

I had nowhere to go. I didn’t know where to go.

Because the home I returned to had always been the place where Yui-san was. Now, I had nowhere left to return to.

Yui-san didn’t chase after me.

　I don’t know how much time passed after that. As I sat on a park bench, lost in thought, my phone rang.

The name that appeared on the display made me tap the call button without thinking.

“…Hello?”

‘Kanata-chan? Where are you now?’

Only after answering unconsciously did I realise it was Ritsu-san’s voice.

“Where… I wonder, here.”

I’d just run and run, so I didn’t know where I was. I’d ended up at this park, sat down on a bench, utterly exhausted. On the other end of the phone, I could hear Ritsu-san exhale softly.

‘I’ll come and get you. Can you send me your location?’

Come and get me? Ritsu-san? Immediately, it dawned on me that Yui-san must have contacted her. She probably knew I wouldn’t answer if Yui-san called.

“…Are you going to tell Yui-san where I am?”

‘I won’t. I’m coming. Trust me.’

Hearing Ritsu-san’s calm voice, my consciousness gradually returned to reality. I was alone, with nowhere to go, utterly at a loss. That’s why Ritsu-san’s offer was so welcome.

“I’m sorry… thank you.”

‘No, no. I’ll be right there, just wait.’

I sent my location to Ritsu-san and looked up at the night sky. It was an infuriatingly cloudy sky, not a single star visible.
Even though it was early spring, the nights were cold. My body, which should have been warmed by the alcohol, was completely frozen.

My eyelids felt heavy from crying so much. Time passed in an instant, as if I were suspended between reality and a dream.

“Kanata-chan!”

Some time passed after that. I hadn’t moved at all, when a familiar voice made me lift my face. Ritsu-san was running towards me, her brow furrowed with concern.

“Ritsu-san…”

“Are you alright? You must have been freezing.”

Saying that, she took my icy hands and clasped them. Warm. Tears threatened to spill again.

“…Ritsu-san, how much do you know about me and Yui-san?”

Her kindness pierced my weary heart. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes, threatening to spill over again. Looking up at her with a trembling voice, Ritsu-san replied awkwardly, “I’m sorry, I heard everything from Yui.”

“For now, come to my place. I’ve already told Yui.”

Saying that, Ritsu took my hand. I couldn’t bear the thought of returning to the house where Yui was, so I nodded. I knew I was imposing on Ritsu, but right now, I wanted to lean on that kindness.

　Ritsu-san lived in a one-bedroom apartment near the station, not far from the university we attended. Originally from the countryside, she lived alone.

Unlike Yui-san’s sparse, empty room, hers was tidy yet had a touch of lived-in warmth – very Ritsu-san.

Thick books were stacked on the table, dotted with numerous sticky notes. Proof she’d read them thoroughly and studied. She might look flashy, but given she hangs out with that Yui-san, she must be good at her studies, of course.

When she urged me to sit on the sofa and I settled down, Ritsu-san brought me some iced tea. Come to think of it, my throat was parched. “Thank you,” I murmured softly, taking a sip to moisten my mouth.

Ritsu-san, sitting beside me, peered at my face with a look of concern.

“…Have you calmed down a bit?”

“…Yes. I’m sorry. Thank you for coming to pick me up.”

The clock hands were about to pass twelve. She should have been at the after-party, yet I’d made you come all this way. I felt truly awful about it.

“So… may I ask what happened with Yui?”

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” Ritsu-san continued. By the time I’d come home with her, I’d resolved to talk about it… or rather, perhaps I just needed someone to listen.

I couldn’t process these feelings properly on my own.

“…It was about a month ago. I got drunk and had sex with Yui-san.”

“Blast!”

Ritsu coughed violently, spitting out the iced tea she’d been sipping. It might have been a bombshell, but with my mind still reeling from shock, I couldn’t have phrased it any more delicately.

Was she that surprised? Did she not know?

“You didn’t know? I thought Yui might have told you.”

“Ah, no, I knew… or rather, I’d noticed. But I never imagined those words would come out of your mouth, Kanata-chan. I was a bit taken aback. Please, continue.”

“…As a fundamental premise, I’ve only ever dated men. So, liking a woman was a first for me.”

She continued, staring blankly at the droplets clinging to the iced tea glass.

“I thought our feelings were mutual. Yui-san says she doesn’t have girlfriends… but I believed she genuinely liked me. That there was some reason she couldn’t be my girlfriend… but that someday…”

Ritsu-san gave a soft “Hmm” in response and gently stroked my shoulder.

“But… Yui-san has an engagement. Did you know, Ritsu-san?”

I’m sure Ritsu didn’t know. If she had, she would have stopped me from falling for Yui-san. That’s the kind of person she is.

“…I heard it from Yui just now.”

“I see… So I was the other woman, then.”

Yui had intended to marry Kitakami from the start. That’s why she never told me. Perhaps those four years at university were just a bit of fun for her. Does that mean I was just one of many girls to her?

Objectively speaking, that might be true. But part of me refuses to believe it. I don’t want to believe it. I touch the necklace at my throat. I want to believe that Yui’s words, telling me I was special, were true.

“…Kanata-chan. I’ve known Yui since first year, but she’s really changed. She’s completely given up chasing women. No matter how you look at it, Yui likes you. That’s absolutely certain. What she did was despicable, and unforgivable. But please believe in that feeling alone. I guarantee it’s not a lie.”

　Ritsu-san squeezed my hand tightly and said this with a serious gaze.

“Then why is Yui-san… marrying Kitakami-san…? I mean, she likes women…”

“…Her father doesn’t know Yui is a lesbian. It’s not like a normal family, you see. Even though she’s such a scatterbrain, she is, after all, the heir to one of Japan’s leading conglomerates.”

　Hearing that, I nodded in understanding. Once again, I contemplated the immense burden borne by the person I had fallen in love with.
I should have realised it countless times before – that her family was different from ordinary households. Yet it had completely slipped my mind.

The house, far too luxurious for a university student living alone. The car. The hotel suite where we watched fireworks that night. Everything.
All of it was because Yui-san was the ‘heiress of a conglomerate’.

　For someone like that to have a romance like ordinary people, let alone dream of a future with someone of the same sex — it was simply impossible.

That’s why Yui-san was always looking towards the parting that would come someday. Probably, all along.

I remember the promise we made on Yui-san’s birthday. It was such a small, fragile wish. Just a promise to be the first to celebrate her birthday.

　I truly believed I could keep it. No matter how many years passed, as long as you were by my side, forever.

Looking back, Yui-san never asked anything of me from the start. She gave only kindness and affection, without expecting anything in return.

It was I who sought. Only I kept seeking Yui-san, endlessly.

Ritsu-san gently wipes away the tears that flow unceasingly.

“…I think it’s best for Kanata-chan to decide for herself what to do from now on. Whatever Yui says, choose the path you’ll absolutely never regret.”

I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t ask her to cast aside everything she was carrying for my sake, to choose me.

To you, whom I love so dearly — there was no way I could say it.