Episode 17… Nana

“Mizuki, I’m opening it, alright?”

I forced myself to steady my voice, trembling with nerves, and placed my hand on the changing room door handle.
I’d assumed Mizuki would be there fully clothed, holding naked Tasuku.

　But the changing room was empty. Beyond the steamed-up frosted glass of the bathroom, a flesh-coloured figure moved. Startled by this unexpected turn of events, my eyes widened in shock.

I instinctively stumbled backwards. My heel slammed against the door with a loud thud.

Eh? Eh? Wait, what’s going on!?

　While I froze, unable to grasp the situation immediately, I realised Mizuki’s hand was on the bathroom door handle.

Oh, bloody hell. It’s too late, I won’t make it…!

The sound of the folding bathroom door opening with a bang coincided with steam flooding into the changing room. Steeling myself, I fixed my gaze straight on Mizuki.

　Just her face, just her face is all I need to see. Absolutely nothing else, I mustn’t look…

Her black hair, wet from the bath. Though tied back, stray strands clung to her nape, and I found myself tracing the droplets as they slid down her neck.
Her flushed cheeks, her neck, and then…

　Ah, no, it’s all too much.
My cheeks burned relentlessly. My breathing grew shallow.
Ah, ah, ah, ahhhhhhh…!

“Nana, please look after Tasuku for me. I’ll go once I’ve dried my hair.”

“U, un…”

Mizuki, seemingly utterly unconcerned about being completely naked, smiled and handed me the steaming hot Tasuku. My gaze inevitably turned towards Tasuku. Then, inevitably, my eyes drifted downwards… and caught sight of Mizuki’s chest.

Her chest… Mizuki’s…
No, no, I mustn’t look!!!!

Mindlessly, I wrapped Tasuku in the bath towel. Suppressing my heart, which was pounding like it was about to explode, I hurriedly turned my back on Mizuki and rushed into the living room.

＊＊＊

I truly loathe myself for looking at Mizuki like that.

Why can’t people choose who they fall for?
Why can’t I control this, even though it’s about me?

Even knowing this love can never be fulfilled, I can’t easily discard these feelings. It’s utterly irrational, no matter how you look at it. Isn’t this just a flaw in human nature?

　Mizuki returned from the bathroom, changed into a black T-shirt and grey shorts. The mismatch between that schoolgirl-like loungewear and the ‘woman’s body’ I’d seen in the bathroom was giving me a headache.

So Mizuki was the type who looked slimmer in clothes… Remembering the fullness at her chest, I nearly blushed again.

“…Mizuki, do you always do this routine on your own?”

“Yeah. I’m used to it now, but at first I was so worried about Tasuku catching a cold that I didn’t even bother changing myself. I’d just get him dressed while I was still completely naked.”

Completely naked…

Even this heartwarming anecdote about Mizuki struggling with childcare left me grimacing, because the image of her naked body I’d just seen was stuck in my brain, refusing to leave.

I saw the naked body of the girl I like. Even if it was an accident, I couldn’t shake the guilt.

“Right, Nana, go and have your bath. I’ll get Tasuku to bed while you’re gone.”

“Ah… right. Thank you…”

Avoiding Mizuki’s gaze, I grabbed the bag stuffed with my change of clothes in one hand and stood up.
Ever since then, I’d been unable to think of anything but Mizuki naked. I needed to cool my head a bit.

I went to the changing room and shed my clothes.
Noticing Mizuki’s clothes from earlier and her pale pink underwear in the laundry basket, I frantically looked away.

Honestly, I’m hopeless today. Utterly hopeless.

　Head bowed, I entered the bathroom and turned on the tap. To drown out my desires, I stood under the cold shower, letting it pour over my head like a waterfall ritual.

It’s been over two years of unrequited love. I’d given up completely, yet unexpectedly, my connection with Mizuki has reignited. The distance between us has closed far too quickly, leaving me utterly unsettled.

　I’d thought I’d quietly finish high school, cherishing this unrequited love deep within my heart, forever keeping Mitsuki in a corner of my mind.

It should have been fine like that. So why, on that rainy day, did I grab Mitsuki’s arm at that crossroads?

I’m happy we’ve grown closer, but right now… it hurts terribly.

I twisted the tap with a sharp click.

“…I mustn’t think about it… Mizuki is just a friend…”

I bang my head against the wall. I’m losing confidence I can keep suppressing these feelings until graduation.

After drying my hair, I open the living room door. The room is dimly lit.
Wondering why, I look at Mizuki. She’s holding Tasuku and raises her index finger to her lips. Startled, I press my own lips together.

“…He looks like he’s about to fall asleep.”

Her voice was low, almost a whisper. I nodded quietly and approached as softly as possible, trying to muffle my footsteps.

A set of futons lay laid out beside the cot.

I had said I’d help with the night shift, but was I really going to sleep here alone?

I felt conflicted – part of me wanted to sleep in the same space as Mizuki, yet another part felt relieved at the thought of not having to see her sleeping face.

　Mizuki gently laid Tasuku into the cot. He made a slight ‘ooh’ face, rolled onto his side, and fell quietly asleep.

“…Huh, he’s not crying?”

I asked Mizuki in a whisper. She smiled, brought her lips close to my ear, and murmured softly.

“Not when he first falls asleep. He wakes up crying in the middle of the night.”

“Is that so? …He looks adorable asleep.”

To be honest, before I started helping look after Tasuku, I wasn’t particularly good with children.
But now I’ve changed. Watching him like this, asleep, I feel a maternal instinct stirring within me that shouldn’t be there.

“Right? He looks like an angel, doesn’t he?”

“Is it true he turns into a little devil?”

“True. You’ll see when night comes.”

Mizuki grinned.

“Oh, right. Where should I sleep?”

“Ah, yes. Sorry about that. There’s only one futon, so we’ll have to sleep together tonight.”

Huh?

I didn’t immediately grasp what Mizuki meant.

Sleep together? With Mizuki?

Unnoticed by me, frozen in place, Mizuki pulled back the duvet, made space for one person beside her, and lay down.

“Nana, come on over.”

Seriously…?
Staring at me as I stood there dumbfounded, Mizuki tapped the futon repeatedly, as if to say, “Come over here already.”

What should I do? But… refusing now would be weird, right? As friends, it’d be unnatural not to sleep together…?
　I swallowed hard, steeled myself, and lay down beside Mizuki.

Our shoulders touching felt scorching hot. Trying desperately not to think about it, I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

“…Hey, Nana.”

Mizuki’s whispering voice reached my ear, tickling me. But I couldn’t turn my head.

“…What?”

Keeping her eyes closed, she murmured a quiet reply.

“It’s kind of fun, isn’t it? Doesn’t this make you feel excited? It’s like a school trip.”

Excited? More like my heart’s pounding like mad. The scent of Mizuki after her bath. My attention threatened to focus on the smooth touch of her leg brushing mine occasionally, so I rolled over to distract myself, turning my back to Mizuki.

“…Yeah, I suppose so. Haaah, sleepovers are fun, aren’t they…”

I yawned deliberately.

“Nana, are you sleepy already?”

Frankly, I wasn’t sleepy at all.
In fact, my heart was beating relentlessly fast, pumping blood through my veins with a pounding rhythm that only made me more wide awake.

“Yeah… Let’s sleep, Mitsuki.”

“Right, understood. Tasuku will probably wake up in the middle of the night too, so let’s get some sleep now. Goodnight, Nana. Thank you so much today.”

“…No, don’t worry about it. Goodnight, Mitsuki.”

I heard the sound of Mitsuki rustling as she turned over. Then, her back pressed tightly against mine, and I felt her body heat.

　I like her. …I like Mitsuki. I like her so much.

Emotions surged over me, and I hugged my own arms so tightly it hurt.
Even though I know it’s impossible, why do I still want to put my feelings into words?
Why can’t I be satisfied just holding onto these feelings, just being near her?

Someone, tell me the answer.

I want to stab this love to death right now.

　Then perhaps I could have stayed by her side for life, as a pure and proper “best friend”.

＊＊＊

　The ticking of the clock echoes through the room.
　Then Mizuki’s breathing, and Tasuku’s breathing.

　Even at midnight, I couldn’t sleep at all. Time just passed while I felt suspended between dream and reality.
　Slowly rolling onto my back, I gazed at Mizuki’s profile, illuminated by the orange security light.

　Ah, her mouth is slightly open. So vulnerable and cute.
Why is Mizuki so incredibly cute?
Her philtrum is short, giving her a childlike face. Her wide, parallel double eyelids, long lashes, and round cheeks seem to accentuate that youthfulness. In that way, she resembles Tasuku a little.

It’s quite the opposite of me, who’s often told I look mature. Because of my height, I was frequently mistaken for a secondary school pupil when I was in primary school, and for a sixth-former when I was in secondary school.

　I wish I’d been born like this. She’s so cute, truly adorable…

She mentioned having a boyfriend before. Did Mizuki’s ex ever touch these lips?
I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I’ve never had a girlfriend, so it’s only natural, I suppose.

To say I don’t care would be a lie. …About the softness of those lips.

Mizuki. …She sleeps so soundly.
　Right now, I could do anything… she wouldn’t wake.

A chilling, devilish whisper echoed in my mind, and I frantically shook my head from side to side.

“No way… what am I thinking…”

The words slipped out before I could stop them.

But I couldn’t tear my gaze away from her lips.

No, this is wrong. This is criminal. This is bad. Absolutely bad.
　Even though I know it, my body rises of its own accord, as if controlled by instinct.
Stop it, no. If I do this, it’ll hurt Mitsuki. Because this is betrayal, this is.

But before I know it, Mitsuki is beneath my arms. My heart is pounding loudly. My breathing… gradually grows heavier.

I want to touch her.

That’s definitely not allowed.

I want to kiss you.

Impossible…

A chance like this won’t come again, you know?

Hey, I said no!!!

I’ve given so much. It’s only fair I get something in return! Just once…!

The monster inside the wardrobe kicked the door open with all its might.

I’ve lost already, to so many things.

　Impulsively, I drew my face closer to Mitsuki’s.
My chest tightened painfully.

Mitsuki, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll end it all after this. I’ll try hard to forget… Please, just this once, forgive my selfishness.

Just as our lips were about to touch, at that moment.

“…Nana.”

I heard a quiet voice calling my name.