Episode Forty-Nine: I’m Sorry, For Falling in Love With You
I opened the door and stepped inside. The house was hushed, silent, and only the sharp click of the door shutting behind me broke the quiet.
Having made it all the way here, maybe I’d already steadied my resolve — my heartbeat was strangely calm, and I found myself a little surprised at how composed I felt.
I passed down the hallway and opened the living room door. The curtains were still drawn shut, leaving the room dim.
Yui-san, sitting on the sofa, noticed me and lifted her head, startled.
“…I’m home.”
Awkward, unable to meet her eyes, I murmured it, and Yui-san stood and rushed over to me. My hand was caught, and my whole body swayed off balance. Pulled straight into an embrace, I found myself folded entirely into her arms.
An embrace tight enough to hurt. I didn’t pull away, letting myself go still in her arms instead. That beloved scent of hers — enough to make me want to cry.
“…Kanata, thank you for coming home. For hurting you, I’m… really, truly sorry.”
Held like this, I couldn’t see what expression Yui-san wore. Only her voice, trembling, just slightly. Unable to bear it, I reached up and gently stroked her back.
“I’m the one who said awful things… I’m sorry.”
Yui-san said nothing, just shook her head, side to side. Her arms loosened slightly, and I looked up at her. She looked like she might burst into tears any moment, and my heart clenched, painfully tight.
“…Will you tell me everything?”
At my question, Yui-san nodded, small. I wanted to know. All of it, from her own mouth.
*
I opened the curtains, still drawn shut, and soft spring light spilled into the living room. Beside the sofa, the outerwear and bag she’d worn yesterday lay tossed carelessly aside — so unlike the usually tidy, organized Yui-san.
I wondered if she’d even managed to sleep properly last night. Worry crept in.
Once she’d set two glasses of iced tea on the coffee table, Yui-san settled down beside me.
After a pause, as if working out where to even begin, she finally opened her mouth, heavy with what she had to say.
“…I got engaged to Shinji when I was eighteen. We agreed marriage would come once I’d settled into working life — nothing’s officially decided yet. Since I’m the one taking over the company, it’s mostly a business-partner arrangement, honestly… That’s why Shinji’s currently working as Dad’s right hand. So he can support the company’s management eventually.”
“I see…”
I already knew this, and yet it still left me disheartened. Learning that Kitagami-san had been, all along, far more essential to Yui-san’s life than I’d ever imagined, my stomach twisted, sharp.
If he’d only ever been a partner, a fiancé, and nothing more — there might still have been some hope in that.
“Really, it’d be best if Yuki-nii took over the company… but as you know, he and Dad still haven’t made up, so that’s not possible. Which meant I never had the option to turn the engagement down. If Yuki-nii’s already gone, and I refused Dad’s wishes too, I thought it would break him. It’s the company he’s spent his whole life protecting, so I told myself — it can’t be helped…”
Her words fell, sparse, like rain, and I felt something in me go quiet, still. Watching her hands, clasped together, gripped so tight the knuckles had gone white, thinking of every ounce of suffering, every conflict she must have carried alone, my chest felt like it might split apart.
“I couldn’t tell you… because I was afraid, if I did, you’d leave. I was truly, genuinely the worst. I’m sorry, for staying silent…”
We looked straight into each other’s eyes. Not a single shadow of doubt in hers.
She’d gotten engaged at eighteen — her final year of high school. The same time she’d broken up with her ex. I found myself thinking — this must be the real reason for that breakup, the one she’d never told me.
Otherwise, there’s no way someone this kind, this wonderful, would ever get dumped.
Because of this, maybe — maybe this is exactly why Yui-san could never bring herself to tell me the truth.
“…You don’t have to apologize anymore. For staying silent.”
Something she’d meant to tell me someday. A feeling she simply couldn’t force out. I’m not incapable of understanding that. I know, too, how much she’d struggled with it. So, it’s enough now.
Because I already know — the love she has for me was never a lie.
Yui-san gripped my hand, tight.
“…I’m going to tell them properly. Shinji, and Dad too. It might take time before they understand, but… I won’t run from it anymore. So…”
“Yui-san.”
I cut off the words she was about to say, and gently squeezed her hand back in return. I’m a lucky person, I thought. Being told this much, by the person I love — that alone is already more than enough.
There’s something I have to tell you. Something I could never say, this whole time. Something I wanted to say. With everything I had, I wanted to give her this.
“I… love you, Yui-san.”
I looked into those black eyes I love so much. I could never say it, all this time. Because you said you’d never make a girlfriend. So it’s your fault, Yui-san, that I could never say it.
Tears welled, slow, in her eyes. When one spilled down her cheek, I gently wiped it away with my thumb. The way you’ve always done for me.
“…I love you too. I love you so much, Kanata.”
The first time I’d ever seen Yui-san cry. Fighting back the urge to pull her into my arms, I smiled instead, with everything I had. Right now, our feelings truly connect. We love each other.
So this love — was never, ever a mistake.
I won’t regret it. Falling in love with Yui-san. Not now, not ever, for the rest of my life. I’ll never forget it.
“…I’m going back to my parents. I love you, Yui-san, I love you so much, that’s exactly why I can’t stay with you anymore.”
Jewel-bright tears spilled, one after another, down her cheeks. “Why…” — Yui-san murmured it, small, a voice on the verge of vanishing entirely.
“…I can’t give you the things your life needs. If anything, I might end up taking them away from you. That’s… what hurts. Because I love you, Yui-san, so much…”
My arm was caught, and I was pulled into a tight embrace. Something cold traced down my neck, spilling, falling.
“No… don’t go, please… Stay by my side, Kanata…”
The arms holding me trembled. I’d thought I’d already cried myself dry last night, and yet the tears came so easily, blurring my vision all over again.
I hugged her back, tight. Thinking of the sheer weight of everything Yui-san would have to give up, choosing me — the answer I had to give was clear.
Somewhere inside, I think I already knew this kind person would say exactly that. That she’d choose to throw everything away, for my sake. And, just as I’d known, that’s exactly what she did.
I’d learned, this whole past year, just how deeply, how genuinely loving a person she is.
So there’s only one thing I can do, for someone like you.
I don’t want to be the shadow that falls across the rest of your life.
I want you to walk a path lit by sunlight. If you’d never met me, I’m sure that’s exactly the path you would have walked.
Let’s put everything back the way it was. I can’t turn back time, but for you to walk the right path forward, it’s better that I’m not there.
It hurts, enough to make me want to cry, it’s painful — but thinking only of Yui-san, this was the only answer I could come up with.
But… I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to forget the strength of these arms, this sweet scent.
“…Yui-san, one last thing. Will you grant me one last request?”
I whispered it, stroking the back of the woman holding me so tight, refusing to let go. When she lifted her face, large tears spilled from her eyes, one after another, falling.
I looked straight at Yui-san. I wanted to burn even a single one of those tears into my memory.
“…Will you hold me? One more time. The last time.”
Hearing those words, I saw something like despair light up in those black eyes. She must have understood — my feelings weren’t going to change.
This person understands things so well. Truly gifted at reading someone’s heart.
She knows my personality too, well enough by now. So she must understand — that I could never forgive her, if she gave something up to choose me.
She blinked, slow, once, then gently cupped my cheek with her hand, and her lips met mine, soft.
Her lips, wet with tears, tasted of salt.
*
Every part of Yui-san’s body was burning hot. Her fingers sliding over me, her lips, our skin touching – it all conveyed her love for me so directly.
It felt so good, I felt like I might go mad. My breath quickened, my whole body felt hot as if it were boiling.
Still lost in feverish thoughts, I gazed at Yui-san and pulled her body tightly against mine.
Until now, I hated sex. But I love doing it with Yui-san. I can feel so intensely loved. A euphoric feeling, like my chest was floating, washed over me.
All the feelings I’d kept bottled up surged forth like a muddy torrent, and over and over, as if broken, I repeated “I love you”. Each time, Yui-san looked as if she might cry, and kissed my lips.
I loved the way you called my name, “Kanata”. I loved the way you gazed at me, as if I were precious. I thought it was all mine. I wanted it to be mine alone.
I don’t want to forget a single thing. Your flowing black hair, your porcelain-like, beautifully smooth white skin, I want to remember it all, every last bit. So that even if you’re not here in the future, I can live relying only on these memories.
As if sharing the feelings I’d never been able to express, we lay those words ‘I love you’ over and over, clinging to each other.
I didn’t want it to end, yet those long fingers of yours, Yui-san, so infuriatingly experienced with women, drove me to the edge with such ease.
I couldn’t take it, the pleasure was almost too much to bear. My whole body trembled, unable to withstand the wave of it.
I wanted to bite her.
The moment I thought it, whatever was left of coherent thought scattered apart entirely, and, driven purely by that need, I sank my teeth, hard, into her white shoulder.
“Ah— !”
A groan of pain sounded right at my ear. Ah, I’ve done it again. But forgive me. This is the last time.
Because you’re the one who gave me this habit of biting, Yui-san.
Please, don’t ever forget. That you loved me.
The strength drained out of my body entirely, limp. My vision sparked, flickering, and I closed my eyes against my own ragged breathing.
Her gentle right hand wiped away the tears I’d shed. Drifting, my consciousness dissolving, I heard Yui-san’s voice.
“…I’m sorry, for falling in love with you.”
Her body, holding me tight, was burning hot. Locked together, our sweat-slicked bodies pressed close, Yui-san repeated sorry, over and over, in a voice barely there at all.
*
Once it was all over, maybe from not having slept properly the night before, Yui-san fell into a deep, heavy sleep, still holding me tight.
Pressed close together, I closed my eyes too.
Replaying every single day, from the one we first met right up until today, careful not to let a single one slip away, I kept holding that body of hers, tight, and never let go.