Episode 43: I Won’t Wait Any Longer

Reaching the living room, I flung my bag onto the sofa with a violent toss, still seething.

“…You bloody idiot, Yui.”

I couldn’t forget that girl’s smug face. Her face might have been cute, but her personality seemed utterly awful.

Was she really that easy-going? Does Yui just fancy anyone who’s cute?

“Ugh… it’s infuriating.”

　I recalled Yui-san’s stunned expression, probably because I’d suddenly kissed her in public.

But I wanted to show her. That this person is mine. I’ll never let her go to that girl.

I sighed. After that, Yui-san didn’t chase after me. And her phone… it made a really awful noise.

But it was Yui-san who let it slip from her hand, so it’s not my fault. It’s all Yui’s fault.

The more I think about it, the more it becomes a quagmire. These murky feelings just keep swelling up.

I knew from the start that Yui was always chasing after girls. But I never imagined I’d be so shaken when I actually saw it with my own eyes.

Until now, it was just a world of imagination. But just knowing that such a girl actually existed in reality made my chest feel unbearably tight.

　I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t stop.

Yui’s white fingers, her lips — touching that girl’s body. The sight of her, her teeth probably sunk into that shoulder.

I can picture it all too clearly. It won’t leave my head at all.

Yui’s arms should be my special place, just for me.

“No good… I need a drink, to calm down first…”

　If Yui-san came home now, I’d probably lash out in anger and hurl all sorts of words at her.

I headed for the kitchen and opened the fridge. Something caught my eye. A can with a lemon design on it, not usually there.

A magical drink that might somehow fix my current irritable mood.

I glanced at the clock. Not long until my birthday.

　——A mere few hours? That’s within the margin of error, surely.

I reached out and grabbed the can, slamming the fridge door shut so hard it rattled.

＊＊＊

“I’m home…”

An unusually sombre voice reached me, and I looked up. Yui-san, opening the living room door, noticed me and shifted her gaze awkwardly.

“…You’re late, Yui-san. Did you go to that child’s house or something?”

“Of course not. My phone screen cracked, so I just went to buy a new one. That’s why it took so long. It’s all because Kanata did that thing.”

Yui-san took off her coat and hung it on the rack.

“…Is it my fault?”

“Wouldn’t you be shocked? Normally, if someone did that to you.”

“But you always kiss me, don’t you?”

“Not in public.”

“Would kissing me in public cause you trouble?”

“Not me. Kanata would be the one in trouble. What if strange rumours started spreading?”

Yui-san lowered her eyebrows, looking troubled. Then she sat down beside me.

“…It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what anyone thinks.”

She took my hand and squeezed it tightly. Yui-san always held my hand like this when she wanted to talk to me.

“…I’ll be graduating in a year, but you won’t, will you?”

Her admonishing tone and gaze were irritating. She didn’t look at that girl like this, did she? Didn’t she court her with eyes full of passion?

“You just don’t want the other girls to know you’re doing this sort of thing with me, do you? Just living together makes them jealous, doesn’t it?”

　I grabbed the can from the coffee table and gulped it down. My body had been burning since earlier. My heart was pounding, and my head felt strangely foggy.

“…Kanata, what are you drinking? Surely not alcohol?”

Yui-san looked startled, her gaze fixed on the canned chu-hai in my hand.

“It’s fine, isn’t it? I’ll be twenty in a few hours anyway.”

“Kanata…”

Yui frowned reproachfully. Why that look? It’s your fault, Yui.

That girl can’t get you to go out with her either. But I’ve never had sex with Yui.

I’m losing. I’m the one falling short. I’m distant from Yui.

　She’d pressed me several times about becoming physical, but whenever I refused, saying we weren’t dating, Yui-san always backed down easily.

Well, of course she did. After all, she could have sex with such a cute girl whenever she wanted.

It’s infuriating. It makes me furious. That girl knows a Yui-san I don’t.

“…Sorry. I made you feel bad, didn’t I?”

Apologies won’t lift my spirits. After all, you can’t change the past.

I took another sip of canned chu-hai and stood up. Slamming the half-empty can onto the table, I used the momentum to shove Yui-san’s shoulder hard.

My stomach churned. If anyone would do, it shouldn’t have to be that person.

　If it’s just about wanting sex, there’s no need to go out of your way to sleep with random people.
Even if it’s not a lover, you could just pick one person, couldn’t you?

Yes, someone like me, for instance.

Yui, pushed on the shoulder, almost fell backwards but instinctively put her arms behind her and looked at me. Ignoring that, I climbed onto her lap. Seeing the look of utter surprise on her face, one I’d never seen before, made me feel a little better.

　I started to pull up her top to take it off, but Yui’s hand hurriedly stopped me.

“Kanata, hold on a second!”

Yui’s hand gripping my arm felt cool, almost cold. Or maybe I was just hot. I couldn’t tell anymore, but she was definitely looking at me, and I wanted to see that moment when the heat lit up in her dark eyes.

　Sex, when you really think about it, isn’t such a big deal.

I’m not a virgin, and besides, the other person is a woman. There was nothing to lose from the start. I’d overthought it – all that stuff about having to be in a relationship.

When I did that sort of thing for the first time, I don’t even know now if I liked the other person.

It was just that word, ‘being in a relationship’, that felt like a licence for him to do as he pleased with my body.

　It was only because that licence existed that I had to offer my body to him, and it was the sole reason I could convince myself to endure it, no matter how painful it was.

“Hey, calm down. What’s got into you all of a sudden?”

“Don’t you get it? You do this sort of thing with loads of women. You did it with that girl earlier too, didn’t you?”

My sharp tone made Yui frown slightly. Her gaze drifted straight to the table.

This is no fun. It’s no fun that she won’t look at me.

A white arm stretched out and grabbed the can with the lemon design on it. The liquid inside made a noise.

“This… it’s the strong stuff, isn’t it? Kanata, you’ve had too much. I’ll fetch you some water, come downstairs.”

She says it with a hint of annoyance, which confuses me. She adores women, after all. She kisses them without a second thought.

Why won’t she take me up on my invitations?

I was utterly furious. I grabbed Yui-san’s hand and pressed it hard against my chest.

　Neither large nor small, just an ordinary size. Compared to that glamorous woman I saw today, right now, these breasts feel pitifully inadequate.

Yui froze like a statue, looking taken aback. The hand pressed against my chest didn’t twitch at all.

“…Yui, aren’t you interested in me? Does that mean everything you’ve done before was just a joke?”

“…What on earth is wrong with you today?”

“You’ll kiss me, but you hesitate about sex? Or is it because I’m frigid, so you don’t want me?”

I know full well that a woman who shows no reaction is utterly pointless to be with. Because that’s exactly what my ex was like. Sex was painful and agonising; I never once felt it was pleasurable.

　My body must be flawed. If it doesn’t work with men, it won’t work with women either.

“It’s not that… Didn’t you say you wouldn’t do this with someone you weren’t dating?”

“…If that’s how you feel, then don’t even kiss me.”

If she’d truly intended to respect my wishes from the start, kissing me was already wrong. It crossed the line of physical intimacy.

　I didn’t know myself. It’s Yui’s fault. Had I never met Yui, I probably wouldn’t have felt a flutter for a woman my whole life, and I certainly wouldn’t have ended up pursuing one like this.

“Isn’t it fine with me? I’m always at home anyway.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“…Please stop seeing other women.”

Being with Yui-san makes me feel suffocated. At night, I feel lonely without her, and in the morning, when I pass her with that unfamiliar scent, I feel like crying.

I endured those days for so very long.

Finally, she started coming home every day, and I should have been able to feel at ease.

Yui took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. Her eyes, as black as the night sea, fixed on me.

No. I don’t want you looking at me like that. It’s so intense it makes my breath catch.

“Kanata… do you like me?”

Don’t ask such obvious questions. I wouldn’t be the one to suggest having sex with someone I didn’t like, would I?

“…I dislike people who cheat.”

“You’re talking nonsense. If you don’t like me, why did you want to have sex with me?”

“I don’t want to hear that from Yui-san, who has sex with people she doesn’t like.”

I snapped back reflexively, and Yui-san gave a wry smile. She was right, so I had no retort. This person is beautiful. Whether she’s smiling, angry, or exasperated.

　That’s why she infuriates me. It galls me that I alone can’t possess this warmth of hers, which others could so easily obtain.

“…Are you sure you won’t regret this?”

Asking me that now, I couldn’t possibly know.

Unable to process the emotions welling up, my vision blurred and tears streamed down my cheeks. I don’t know this feeling. I don’t understand it. No one has prepared an answer for me.

“…Don’t kiss anyone else. I don’t want you hugging them either.”

I know it’s not an answer, that I’m saying incoherent, jumbled nonsense. As I squeezed those words out, the hand that had slipped away from my chest gently stroked the corner of my eye.

My vision cleared, and when I looked up, Yui-san was smiling oddly.

“…Why are you laughing? I’m being serious.”

“Kanata, you’re quite a handful when you’re drunk, aren’t you?”

“…You said ‘handful’ again.”

“Sorry, sorry. You’re adorable, really.”

Saying that, Yui downed the rest of the canned chu-hai she’d been holding in one gulp.

Her pale throat moved with a gulp, and just as she tossed the empty can onto the table, I was grabbed by the shoulders and the world flipped upside down.

　Her back pressed against the soft sofa fabric, which creaked ominously.

“…It’s fine. Let’s have sex.”

Yui-san, now perched on top of me, smiled bewitchingly.

An expression I’d never seen before.

Suddenly feeling scared, I clutched the fabric at my chest tightly. A gentle palm came to rest over my hand.

“Don’t be scared… You’re the one who asked me out.”

“Um, Yui-san, wait a moment.”

My arm was seized firmly, pinning me to the sofa. It felt like my means of defence had been stripped away, and my heart pounded loudly.

“I’ve waited long enough. I won’t wait any longer.”

Her lips pressed against my neck, biting lightly. It suddenly occurred to me. What exactly is the end of sex between women?

I don’t know. My head feels like it’s gone stupid; I can’t think of anything.

There’s just one thing I want from you.

“If we have sex… will you stop sleeping around…?”

When I said that, Yui-san suddenly smiled gently.

Her practised hands slipped beneath my top, tracing my ribs upwards from my stomach. Yui-san’s palm, which had felt cold just moments before, somehow felt warm now, and my breath caught slightly.

Her lips pressed against my earlobe.

“Don’t worry… I stopped ages ago.”

After she whispered that gently, I caught the sweet, sweet scent of Yui-san that I loved so much, and I — couldn’t bear it anymore, and hugged her back tightly.