Episode Forty-Three: I Won’t Wait Any Longer Than This
Reaching the living room, still churning with frustration, I hurled my bag onto the sofa without care.
“…You idiot, Yui-san.”
That girl’s smug, triumphant face wouldn’t leave my head. Cute, maybe, but her personality seemed genuinely awful.
Is that really the “not-a-hassle” type? Does it not matter to Yui-san who it is, as long as they’re cute?
“Ugh… so infuriating.”
I remembered Yui-san’s face, frozen, stunned, after I’d kissed her out of nowhere, in public.
But I’d wanted to show it off. That this person belongs to me. I’m never handing her over to that girl.
I let out a sigh. She hadn’t chased after me, afterward. And her phone… that sound had been genuinely awful.
But she’s the one who let go of my hand — not my fault. This is all Yui-san’s fault.
The more I think it over, the deeper I sink into the mire. This murky, souring feeling in me just keeps swelling.
I’d known, from the very start, that Yui-san played around with women constantly. But actually seeing it, right in front of me — I never expected it would shake me this badly.
It had all been just something I imagined, up until now — and just knowing that girl actually existed, in the real world, was enough to squeeze something unbearably tight in my chest.
I didn’t want to think about it, and yet I couldn’t stop.
Those pale fingers of hers, those lips — touching that girl’s body. The exact scene where she must have sunk her teeth into that shoulder.
I could picture it, vividly, in perfect detail. It wouldn’t leave my head, no matter what.
Yui-san’s arms are supposed to be my own special seat, and no one else’s.
“No good… I need to drink something, calm down for a second…”
If Yui-san came home right now, I was certain I’d hurl every angry word I had straight at her.
I headed to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Something caught my eye. A can with a lemon print, not normally there.
A magic drink that might do something about this churning, frustrated feeling of mine right now.
I checked the clock. Just a little while left until my birthday.
—A few hours is well within reasonable margin of error, right?
I reached out, grabbed the can, and slammed the fridge door shut loud enough to rattle.
＊＊＊
“I’m home…”
An unusually subdued voice reached me, and I lifted my eyes. Yui-san, opening the living room door, noticed I was there and let her gaze skitter, uneasy.
“…You’re late, Yui-san. Did you go over to that girl’s place, by any chance?”
“No way. My phone screen shattered, so I just went to buy a new one. That’s why it took so long. This is because of what you did.”
Yui-san took off her coat and hung it on the rack.
“…So it’s my fault?”
“Wouldn’t you be startled too, if someone did that to you?”
“But you kiss me all the time too, Yui-san.”
“Not in public.”
“What’s the problem with kissing me in public?”
“It’s not me who has a problem, it’s you, Kanata. What if it started some weird rumor?”
Troubled, Yui-san’s brows drew down. Then she sat down beside me.
“…I don’t care. What anyone thinks of me.”
My hand was taken, gripped tight. Whenever Yui-san wants to talk to me properly, she always holds my hand like this.
“…I’ve got one more year until graduation, but you don’t.”
That reasoning tone, that gaze — not fun to hear at all. She’s never looked at that girl with an expression like this. Probably some far more heated look, courting her properly, wasn’t it.
“You’re just embarrassed other girls might find out you’re doing this kind of thing with me. Living together alone already draws enough jealousy, doesn’t it.”
I grabbed the can off the coffee table and tipped it back into my stomach. My whole body’s been hot this whole time. My heart’s pounding, my head’s gone strangely hazy.
“…Kanata, what are you drinking? Don’t tell me that’s alcohol.”
Yui-san’s eyes went wide, alarmed, at the canned chu-hai in my hand.
“Doesn’t matter, does it. I turn twenty in a few hours anyway.”
“Kanata…”
Reproachful, Yui-san’s brows drew together. Why that face? This is all Yui-san’s fault, isn’t it.
Not being able to date her — that girl has the same problem. But I’ve never slept with Yui-san.
I’m losing. I’m the one losing. Further away from Yui-san.
She’s pushed for that kind of physical relationship a few times before, but every time I refused, using “we’re not dating” as the excuse, Yui-san always backed off, easily, without a fight.
Of course she would. Because she can sleep with a girl that cute, anytime she wants.
Infuriating. Furious. That girl knows a Yui-san I don’t know.
“…Sorry, I made you feel awful, didn’t I.”
Being apologized to doesn’t make it better. Because the past can’t be changed.
I took another gulp of the chu-hai and stood. I slammed the half-finished can down on the table and, riding that momentum, shoved Yui-san’s shoulder, hard.
Something roiled, sick, in the pit of my stomach. If anyone will do, then it shouldn’t matter whether it’s that girl at all.
If it’s just sex you want, there’s no need to go out of your way to sleep with a whole rotating cast of people.
Doesn’t have to be a girlfriend — just pick one single person and stick with them, right?
Like, for example, me.
Shoved back, Yui-san caught herself with a hand behind her, looking up at me. I climbed onto her lap without hesitation, and seeing an expression on her face I’d never seen before, startled, felt satisfying, just a little.
I started tugging my top up, meaning to pull it off, and Yui-san’s hand shot out, panicked, stopping me.
“Kanata, hold on, stop!”
Her hand, gripping my arm, felt cool, cold. Or maybe I’m just the one running hot. I couldn’t tell anymore, honestly — but she really was looking at me, and I wanted, badly, to see the moment heat kindled in those black eyes.
Sex, when you really think about it, isn’t that big a deal.
Not like I’m a virgin, and besides, it’s a woman this time. There was nothing to lose, from the very start. I’d been overthinking it, this whole “has to be dating” business.
The first time I ever did that kind of thing, I don’t even know, now, whether I actually liked him.
It’s just that the word “dating” had functioned like some kind of permit — permission for him to do whatever he wanted with my body.
Because that permit existed, I had to hand my body over to him, and that was the only reason I could ever convince myself to endure it, however painful it was.
“Hold on, calm down, what’s gotten into you all of a sudden?”
“Do I need to spell it out? You’ve done this kind of thing with plenty of other women. You did it with that girl earlier too, didn’t you.”
My words came out with an edge, and Yui-san’s brows drew together, faintly. Her gaze drifted down to the table.
Not fun. Not fun at all, her not looking at me.
Her pale arm reached out, grabbing the lemon-printed can. The liquid inside sloshed, audible.
“This… this is the high-proof kind. Kanata, you’re drinking too much. I’ll get you water, get off.”
Said with faint displeasure, and I couldn’t make sense of it anymore. She loves women so much. She kisses me without a second thought.
So why won’t she take me up on this?
Fury, unbearable, welled up. I grabbed her hand and pressed it flat against my chest, hard.
Not big, not small, an entirely unremarkable size. Compared to that glamorous girl I’d seen today, this chest felt pitifully inadequate right now.
Yui-san froze, stunned, like a stone statue. Even the hand pressed to my chest didn’t so much as twitch.
“…Are you not interested in me at all, Yui-san? Was everything, all that pushing before, just a joke?”
“…What’s actually gotten into you today?”
“You kiss me fine, but you hesitate at sex? Or is it because I’m frigid, that you don’t want to?”
I know full well nobody enjoys sleeping with a woman who shows no reaction. Because my ex was exactly like that. Sex was always painful, difficult, and I never once thought it felt good.
My body’s probably broken, incomplete. If it didn’t work with a man, the outcome won’t change with a woman either.
“That’s not it… You’re the one who said you wouldn’t do this kind of thing with someone you’re not dating, Kanata.”
“…If you really think that, then don’t kiss me either.”
If she’d genuinely intended to respect that boundary from the start, kissing wouldn’t make sense either. It already goes well past ordinary skinship.
Even I hadn’t known this about myself. This is Yui-san’s fault. If I’d never met Yui-san, I probably never would have felt my heart race for a woman, not once in my whole life, and I never would have pushed myself on one like this either.
“I’m right here, aren’t I. I’m always home anyway.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“…Just stop playing around with women already.”
Being with Yui-san hurts. At night, when she’s not here, I feel lonely, and in the morning, passing her in the hallway carrying some unfamiliar scent, I want to cry.
I’ve endured days like that, over and over, for so long.
I’d finally started to feel safe, now that she came home every single night.
Yui-san drew a deep breath, and let it out with a long sigh. Those eyes, black as a midnight sea, held me, steady.
Wrong. I didn’t want to be looked at with that kind of gaze, and yet it was so serious it nearly stole my breath.
“Kanata… do you like me?”
Don’t ask something that obvious. As if I’d ever propose sex with someone I didn’t like.
“…I hate unfaithful people.”
“You’re not making any sense. If you don’t like me, why do you want to sleep with me?”
“I don’t want to hear that from someone sleeping with people she doesn’t even like.”
I shot it back on reflex, and Yui-san let out a wry laugh. True enough, there was probably nothing to say back to that. This person is beautiful. Smiling, angry, exasperated — all of it.
That’s exactly what makes me furious. This warmth of hers, something anyone else could get so easily — that I alone can’t have it makes me want to scream.
“…Are you really sure you won’t regret this?”
Asked that, I don’t even know anymore.
Unable to properly process the feelings welling up in me, my vision blurred, and tears spilled down my cheek. I don’t know this feeling. I don’t understand it. No one’s going to hand me an answer.
“…Don’t kiss anyone else. I don’t want you holding anyone else either.”
I know this isn’t really an answer, that I’m saying something incoherent, nonsensical. Forcing it out anyway, I felt the hand that had, at some point, left my chest gently wipe at the corner of my eye.
My vision cleared, and there, looking back at me, Yui-san was laughing, amused.
“…Why are you laughing? I’m being serious.”
“You’re a real handful when you’re drunk, Kanata.”
“…There, you said ‘handful’ again.”
“Sorry, sorry. You’re cute. Really, really cute.”
She said it and tipped back the rest of the chu-hai in her hand, draining it in one go.
Her pale throat moved, swallowing, and just as she tossed the empty can onto the table, my shoulder was grabbed and the whole world flipped.
My back hit the soft fabric of the sofa, which groaned, unsettling, under the impact.
“…Fine. Let’s have sex.”
Looming over me, Yui-san smiled, something alluring in it.
An expression I’d never once seen before.
Sudden fear crept in, and I gripped the front of my own shirt tight, and a gentle hand settled over mine.
“Don’t be scared… you’re the one who invited this.”
“Um, Yui-san, wait a second…”
My arm was gripped, hard, pinned to the sofa. It felt like whatever means I had to protect myself had just been taken away, and my heart pounded, loud, frantic.
“I’ve already waited long enough. I won’t wait any longer than this.”
Her lips pressed against my neck, biting, light. I found myself thinking, idly — what does the end of sex between two women even look like?
I don’t know. My head had gone foolish, useless, unable to think about anything at all.
I only wished for one single thing, from her.
“…If we have sex… will you stop playing around with women…?”
At that, Yui-san smiled, soft, gentle.
Her practiced hand slipped under my top, tracing up from my stomach, along my ribs. Her palm, which I’d thought felt cold just a moment ago, now felt strangely warm, and my breath caught, just slightly.
Lips pressed against my earlobe.
“You don’t have to worry… I already stopped, a long time ago.”
Whispered so gently, and then that sweet, beloved scent of Yui-san’s reached me, and I — unable to bear it any longer — wrapped my arms tight around her back.